My mother has requested hospice but my siblings have said no, called me murderer and that Mom is committing suicide. I am very distraught.

Hospice is great at explaining just this type of conflict.
Contact the Hospice you have chosen.
Contact family members and have a meeting of minds.
I think family will come to realize that..
Hospice will not deny medical treatment as long as it is not treatment for the condition that they are Hospice eligible.
Hospice will provide support, supplies, a nurse in the home at least 1 time a week.
CNA's at least 2 times a week to help with bathing, dressing, bed changes and a whole host of other things.
A Social Worker if you want one
A Chaplain if you want one.
Therapies like Music, Art, Massage and if necessary Speech and Physical for a short time an to train family and caregivers.
You will get supplies delivered, medications delivered, equipment like hospital bed, wheelchair, Hoyer Lift or Sit to Stand if needed.
There is so much positive about Hospice that I can not imagine anyone not taking advantage of it.
Hospice will be very willing to sit down and discuss any concerns any family member has.

I'd honor my mother's wishes and work hard to do what she wants to keep her comfortable. I might give succinct and sincere explanation one time to siblings and then let it alone. If the siblings are that ignorant, it's not likely you can change them. The Hospice social worker and clergy should be very helpful and give you much support moving forward.

You are under no obligation to listen to hurtful family members. You can walk away, hang up the phone and block them from visiting her if they are upsetting your mother.

I would learn to say something like "Family member, my mother did not ask for your opinion. I would appreciate it if you would respect my mother's difficult and courageous decision. I support my mother's decision and will not allow you to upset her. You can inform yourself about hospice at the Hospice Foundation of America."

Yes, your siblings are mad/upset and want to blame someone, or want answers they'll never get (why does my mom have to die?). Knowing a loved one is on their way out is so hard to accept, even when that loved one is ready to go. Denial can run deep.

My mother kept refusing to take her father off a ventilator. There was no hope, he was worn out and pretty much comatose. At one point he opened his eyes, but they were glassy and empty... the person behind them was gone. Mom took this is as "Yes! He's coming around!". He wasn't. She'd keep asking the staff if he was improving; the answer was always no. His doctor said it was time, and Mom just wouldn't accept it. This went on for weeks. Her sister wanted to take him off and let go, we all did, but she felt like taking him off would be killing him.

Finally the doctor, head nurse, and two other nurses had to sit her down and get real with her. Prior to that, they'd talk to her and she just wouldn't hear them. When she was alone in a room with them, without distractions, she finally understood. Once he was off the ventilator, he was gone within an hour. He was ready.

I second the idea of getting staff, chaplain, etc to sit down with your siblings and get them to understand.

Your siblings are angry and want someone to blame. You are their target. I went through the same thing with my mom, even though mom signed (with my brother present) the DNR papers. Legally, I could have stopped it but it was her decision. She went into hospice and lived only a bit over a week. My sister, standing in front of her coffin, accused me of killing her.

Sometimes there is no reasoning with people (your siblings) and you just have to harden your heart and ears to what they are saying and let them think what they will. The important one right now is your mom- she obviously knew what she was asking and knows she may never leave Hospice alive. You are honoring her wishes out of love.

I speak from experience; my own mother went in to hospice with end stage cancer knowing full well she would die there. There was no hope for her and she was in constant, excruciating pain. It was only in Hospice that I ever saw her face relax from it because of the medication. Was it easy watching her body die? No. Was I ever bothered with guilt? No. Because the alternative to hospice care- watching her linger in agony as the cancer ate away at her spine- was far worse. I loved my mom too much to try and convince her to not enter Hospice.

Stay strong for your mom; get her pastor to visit her regularly. Talk to him or a counselor if you need encouragement, they will be there for you.

Please let us know how your mother gets on, liagko; and well done to you for supporting your mother's right to decide for herself.

I don't want to say a word about your siblings, too angry 😡. Could your pastor say a few words *to* them, perhaps? - they seem to have a lot to learn.

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your family. But this is a decision your mom has made, and you are right in honoring her wishes. Maybe this has been addressed, but can a hospice chaplain reach out to your siblings? My dad was just on hospice and it was so helpful. The nurses and chaplain were the absolute best and they took such wonderful care of him, right up to the end. He was 97, had diabetes, and he just was worn out. I am not sure people who haven't gone through a situation like this understand how hard for both the patient and the family, but hospice is there for all. Best of luck to you.

Studies have shown that the introduction of palliative care in terminally ill patients not only improves their quality of life but actually lengthens life.

https://www.geripal.org/2010/08/palliative-care-prolongs-life.html

It is neither murder nor suicide to prioritize comfort over cures.

As XenaJada said, every hospice is a little different. Having said that, everyone’s ideas of what hospice is, is also a little different. Perhaps it is best for your siblings to meet with the hospice people themselves so that they can be educated to the process and ask whatever questions are lingering. In the long run, it is best for you and your mom to have everyone on board. If that is not possible, then move forward with your mom’s wishes. Hospice has a lot of experience with difficult family dynamics so don’t be afraid to use their wisdom. I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I have uncooperative, nasty siblings too. It makes a tough job even tougher. Hugs to you.

Your siblings need education but that is not your problem. Your mother has requested hospice and you are honoring her wishes. Period. You need to qualify for hospice and if she does why wouldn't you use them? Sounds like your siblings need to realize where your mothers health is but that is on them not you.

It amazes me every time I hear of the level of ignorance from people who know nothing yet demand their own way.

your siblings are idiots.

talk to your Moms doctor. Hospice is not just there to decide to use...a doctor must sign off on it...so that is where to begin. If her doctor can’t/won’t ...contact hospice directly yourself and they will do the evaluation.

i can tell you my biggest regret is how long I waited to call hospice. It is a knife to my heart to think of the needless pain my Mom suffered.

I'm sure your hands are quite full, but I will say that I learned not all hospice providers are the same. Try to do some calling around and find one with the best reputation.

One of my relatives is in end-stage pulmonary fibrosis. She was briefly on hospice and the particular one she was on was awful.

I would recommend finding one that also has their own hospice facility in case you end up needing to send her there rather than keeping her at home.

Honor your mother's wishes. This is HER decision regarding HER pain and HER life!

You do what your Mother wants...Not your family. It is her decision...hers alone, and she should have the right to do so. There is nothing fun about dying, and if she feels the need for Hospice well then by all means give it to her...ignore your family, you are the caregiver, you are following your mom's wishes...

Hugs! You did the right thing for your mom.

Ask hospice if they have any brochures about their services that you can send to your siblings or if they have someone that can call and explain that you have to have a death diagnosis and less than 6 months to live and how painful end stage cancer is. They need to hear from someone else that your mom is dying and this is the most precious gift that she can receive, death without excruciating pain and anxiety.

May The Lord grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.

Yes, your siblings are idiots, and clueless about Hospice.

Your siblings are idiots. You are doing the right thing.

Hospice is neither murder or suicide. When the time comes I will definitely consider hospice care.

Oh goodness, I am so sorry. I just went through something similar with my mom (the patient) and my sister having the issue w Hospice. I was her main caregiver so I knew in my heart when it was time, as she did too. It was the best decision ever made and I know in my heart that it actually extended her life. The Hospice staff is amazing! They offer so much not only to the patient but as Also the family. They are not there to “kill” the patient but rather offer “comfort care”. If and when it comes to pain meds, you can work together but otherwise the other services are a god send. From bathing help, to music therapy and just simply creating relationships that patients needs aside from family and friends. After just losing my mom I learned from her hospice nurses that mom shared secrets she felt she couldn’t tell her family for fear to hurt them perhaps. My point is that they gave her that outlet and I’m grateful she had that. Even on her worst days she refused to cancel her hospice visits because she looked forward to them. Sometimes just a different face, especially when you’re home bound. It’s sad that Hospice has gotten such bad stigma behind it. They are changing the name as they should because it no longer means just “end of life care” but also “comfort care”. There are many patients that graduate several times because the caregivers are so positive and motivating to the patients. My husband has worked for Hospice for the past 10 years and has seen a lot. Mostly though is that it can be a savior for the patient and family. Living longer perhaps, having better says and finding solace through the hearts and care of the see wonderful people. I highly encourage you to move ahead. Have professionals talk to the family to help them understand perhaps. It’s so important? Especially for the patient. We have to remember that the patient is the one seeing their mortality and how frightening or confusing they must be. Something we could never help them with. Hospice however has devoted their lives to this and can give the patient things, talks, thoughts, support etc. that we simply cannot at this time. Please, I highly encourage you to consider hospice. For the patient, caregivers and family sake. You will not regret it. They will be there everyday through the end if you need them. Medicare covers everything too! Good luck to you and god bless!

Your siblings are ignorant of what hospice is all about. They do not enable assisted suicide, nor do they "murder" people. If they did, they'd have been shut down long ago since murder is a capital crime. Your poor mom is suffering from constant pain with end stage cancer and your siblings are against giving her comfort care in her last days. That's what they are saying, which makes no sense.

Hopefully, they will enlighten themselves soon. Do as your mother wishes and allow her to have the final word about her own end of life care here. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Sending you a big hug and wishing you the best of luck during this difficult time.

How far are siblings away from you. Maybe a Hospice agency would be willing to come to the house and explain what they will be doing for Mom. There are so many misconceptions out there. Some on the forum have seen it as a blessing. Others a nightmare but I think that is because they were not aware what happens. Its all about the comfort of the client.

A doctor actually has to order Hospice. Hospice will come and evaluate Mom. She may not even fit the criteria. Be aware, home Hospice Nurse only comes about 3x a week. An aide about the same. You will still be responsible for care in between. Medicare pays. This includes supplies and I think Scripts. If Mom uses depends, these are covered.

My mom was on hospice for two years and I used them like an at-home clinic. They will screen, patient weights, labs, x-rays..and they also authorize Emergency Room visits when needed--BUT you have to ask for it. I never used them to kill my mom. Quite the opposite. Mom was too weak to take her to her regular doctor. Eventually she completely forgot how to eat and drink so I revoked her hospice, got a PEG tube inserted, then she was discharged back on hospice. PEG or feeding tubes was a last resort. But hospice provided all the tube feedings, tubing, feeding machine, and so on.

I spent eight years as a hospice nurse. It is quite common for other siblings to be critical of the caregiver. Do not let your family tell you that you are a murderer. Hospice is for the patient's comfort, it has nothing to do with suicide. If your mother qualifies for hospice then it's fine to respect her decision. You sound like you are a great support to your mother, please take care. xx

Are you her power of attorney? If so this is without question your obligation to your mother who has requested this (I would want it as well). You should tell your siblings that, given their strong feelings against your mother's wishes and your obligation to carry them out as her caregiver and her POA, they should consider consulting clergy themselves, or seek help of a counselor. They may be most helped by a licensed Social Worker who deals with life change. Death comes to us all. May that of your mother be gentle and peaceful as it can be. I am so sorry that you are hurt but for myself I find the ignorance of your siblings difficult to deal with, and I feel it is THEY THEMSELVES who need forgiveness for their cruelty. I do however chalk it up to ignorance. Sam Donaldson had a wonderful quote once about the difference between IGNORANCE and WILLFUL ignorance. In the first case you have a lack of knowledge, so I hope your siblings will become informed. In the second case you have a will not be be informed. To me, it is the latter that is unforgivable. I wish you and your Mom good luck.

Thanks everyone I have called hospice and refuse to feel guilty. Mom requested this.

Your duty is to your mother. Not your siblings. Do what's best for your mother.

I'm sorry your family is adding to your and your mother's burdens during this very difficult time. You are not alone in this painful delimia.

Years ago my SIL's sister was dying of lung cancer. It had spread into her spine and no pain killers were very effective anymore. Her daughter (a RN) came over one afternoon after her shift and found her mother curled into a tight ball screaming from pain even though she had taken a full dose of pain medications about 60 minutes earlier, including a shot of morphine. The daughter called for an ambulance and directed the hospital to control her pain, even if it caused unconsciousness and/or sped the death process. Many of her aunts and uncles (her mother's siblings) accused her of killing her mother. Many came to their senses after her death but a few have never spoken to the daughter again.

If we honest, most of us fear what we may endure before death much more than dying. I am my mother's HCPOA and Mom has directed she does not want to suffer pain either. I will be endorsing her choices just like you are. I hope my family doesn't put me through the additional stresses you family is inflicting but even if they do, I am going to support Mom's choices.

I will pray you and your mother experience God's comfort during this very difficult time and your family members come to their senses and support you.

If you have care of your mother, then do what is best for her and don't even talk to the negative voices coming at you.

Hospice is not suicide nor is it murder. It is a gracious, loving way to give someone and honorable and hopefully peaceful death.

This concept of 'life at any cost' is ridiculous and you know it. So sad to have to deal with relatives who don't understand. Let them spend a day with an aging LO who needs to be kept comfortable and pain free....they'll likely change their tune.

You do what you know your mother wants. If she is still lucid enough to make the decision for Hospice, then she can voice this to the relatives, through a phone call or letter.

It's HER choice, not theirs.

And take care of yourself also, while helping mom through this last phase of life. It's more emotionally tasking than you can imagine--but you are doing the right thing.

Please get your mom assessed for hospice. End stage cancer can be very painful. Do these siblings spend significant time with your mom? Do they see what your mom is going through? Or for that matter what you are going through?
Will you please listen to your mother. I see nothing on your profile that indicates your mom can’t make her own decisions. It is her that is suffering and not them. Make that call now and get her whatever relief is available.
I have an aunt (Parkinson’s and dementia) who has been on hospice for over two years. It has made a world of difference in my cousins life because she has support and is able to provide better care for her mom. And her mom is in no pain.
Don’t let your siblings bully you. You are your mom’s caretaker but she is making her own decision. If she isn’t eligble the hospice team won’t accept her.

I’m so sorry. Choosing to enter hospice is a difficult and a very personal decision. Your family is being utterly ridiculous. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who do not understand what hospice is and how it helps terminally ill people & their families. Its NOT suicide. It’s comfort care that allows a person to die a comfortably dignified death. It seems your family isn’t at all concerned with your mothers quality life. She’s 88 and has cancer....are they serious wanting her to fight cancer at her age? I understand that finding out that a loved one has entered hospice is devastating, I’ve been there. So I would try to cut your family a break for the time being and see if the pastor will reach out and have a discussion with them. If they continue to have the opinion and make the same nasty comments, it may be best to go grey rock. Let them deal with the situation in their own way why you take care of yourself and your mother.