Not sure how much traction this post will get, but here goes..
To start, I'm relatively young - 27 years of age and make approx. 45k a year in a low (er) cost of living area. Not terrible, but not great either. I'm currently saving the majority of my paycheck as I'm still (embarrassingly) living at my dad's house as it's closer to my work (they're divorced, but "friends" evidently. Whatever that actually means). I've managed to save a very hefty nest egg since graduating college. However, due to my mother's stream of unwise financial decisions she's made in the past, it feels like my life is on hold indefinitely (I'm not saying this is entirely the issue, as I have my own problems, but definitely contributes to it).
My mother is 67, nearing 68, retired, and on disability. She has numerous physical ailments and from my understanding has very little in the way of retirement - SS, annuities, savings and I believe that's it.
My mother has never been great with money and has made some life-changing mistakes before in the past (like pissing through her lottery winnings many years back. This is a very long story but take it for what you will).
This has been churning now for years (I've had to bail her out multiple times) but it finally came to a head when we found out her apartment was cutting utilities and increasing rent. This has put significant stress on both of us now for months and I'm honestly scared at this point.
She is currently enrolled in a "workforce for the aging" program or something, to help aging individuals gain employment. We expect to hear back within the next few weeks. Again, she's very limited on what she can do. We've also checked into low-income housing in our area, but they're ALL not only booked, the waiting is closed.
I've been giving her $500 bucks every month, but just last week I gave her $900 as a big expense came up...
I want to become independent, move out, hopefully start a family, do whatever the hell else a 27 year old should be doing but I pretty much can't. My mother literally has no one else but me to rely on. My dad is apathetic towards the whole situation and helps out financially, but very sparingly. Her family is on the opposite end of the country and tbqh I don't think they even care to begin with.
I'm scared, sad, feel hopeless and at a loss at what to do.
What should I do about this?
I wouldn't give her any money until she found a solution herself. If she then needs a small amount of financial help, you could agree to a specific amount.
She does have options. She may not like the options, but she does. She will need to change her life to live within the limited amount of money she has. You will need to allow her to do this to enjoy your life and build your own financial future.
"Many individuals are eligible for benefits under both the Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) and Supplemental Security Income (SSI) programs at the same time. We use the term “concurrent” when individuals are eligible for benefits under both programs."
When u get the Supplmental Income Medicaid is included. My Aunt received this.
When you get Social Security Disability, you get Medicare and Medicaid as a secondary. My nephew receives this.
So, how much of her lottery winnings had she given to you ("pissing through her lottery winnings years ago"), that has resulted in you being unable to separate and individuate from her? And living with your Dad is often described as "failure to launch" in a person your age.
It is not too late to grow up and move out, once you understand that there is no such thing as "WE" when it comes to you, your Dad, your mother. While it is understandable you've had issues after graduating from college, you really cannot blame your mother, or father.
Healthy parents are pleased to have their adult children go out, launch, leave home.
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"Black metal is an extreme style of Heavy metal that started in the early 1980s. Lyrics are often for religions such as Satanism. Various black metal bands have relations to satanism in their lyrics and even in outlook. Lyrics may also have subjects such as Paganism. The majority of black metal vocalists are male, although there are a few notable exceptions – for
example Cadaveria, Astarte and Lucifugum."
Maybe being tied to a satanic pursuit could interfere with your becoming an independent adult? Are there drugs involved?
Aw, yes, sounds judgmental of me, doesn't it? You asked, saying you wanted to become independent and move out. I suggest finding a male mentor that you could listen to and respect, patterning your life similar to someone you find as successful. Maybe ask a former college graduate or former college counselor to help or refer you.
How much "traction" are you hoping for in this post, and what does that mean?
"living at my dad's house as it's closer to my work (they're divorced, but "friends" evidently. Whatever that actually means)."
Yeah, I see. I will need to step back... Or..
But I can't.. This is my Mother. I must fix it for her.
Are you asking yourself a few more questions?
OP is 27, so the chances are that mother is in her sixties – or younger. She needs to be given the responsibility for organising herself. ‘It’s too hard’ is simply the easiest cop-out for ‘poor little me’.
Your mother DOES NOT have you “…to rely on”.
She has you to LOVE HER (if you choose), advise her, sympathize with her.
You were not born with a sign around your neck saying “I will pay your way indefinitely once I grow up”.
For HER to grow up you have to stop allowing her to be a parasite. It will be very tough for you both, but NEITHER of you benefit from the way things are right now, and seriously why should it occur to her to change the set up as it is now?
You are a good person. Put yourself first, for a change. You may be surprised how good that feels.
She's a serial money-blower.
She has no conscience about whether or how her continuous and unrepentent financial irresponsibility affects her daughter.
Please understand it's not about her "learning" to do anything. She won't. She has no intentions of changing.
Do not feel guilty or sorry for her. Cut her off. You propping her up is not only enabling but also unsustainable from your end. Just read some of the other posts on this forum if you want to know what your future holds if you don't jettison her from your wallet.
She's a big girl and should be expected to figure out a solution for her situation. My bet is she is living beyond her means, not only in terms of rent, but in what else she spends money on. I know the kind of person she is. Had one in our family who borrowed money from everyone and never kept track because he *knew* he had no intentions of ever paying them back, or changing his spending (and earning) habits. It's abusive and manipulative.
Stop supporting her immediately. You don't need to give her any reason except "No, I don't want to do it any more." Do not say you "can't" do it because she will negotiate with you and convince you you can do it. She'll wear you down. Tell her the answer is simply "no" and if she asks why you just keep repeating, "Because I don't want to." And that's a perfectly legitimate reason. You've done so much for her to this point, and she's basically crapped on your sacrifice and generosity. Yes, that's what she's done and will continue to do if you continue to enable her. I wish you much courage and strength in defending this boundary.
Only another thing is, that by housing you your father is actually contributing quite a lot to the pot. He's enabling you to save, but the savings are then going to his ex-wife and you're not able to flourish in the way he is trying to help you to.
It beats me how your mother can accept this from you. Sorry, but it does.
What support or advice is your mother getting from the correct authorities and agencies?
Op needs to stop bailing out Mum.
Dad needs to give OP a push out to door to becoming an independent adult.
I understand the rent increase but I don't understand the cutting of utilities. When you rent, heating is always included. I think the landlord by law has to provide it. Electricity, cable, wifi and phone are the renters responsibility. Maybe Mom needs to make some cuts.
She doesn't need wifi if she has a cell phone with Data. My daughter has Tracfone, pay as you go. I do too and maybe pay $20 a month. You need to buy the phone or bring one with you. The prices are pretty good.
No need for cable. You buy a Smart TV and stream shows. Get an antenna to get local stations.
Electricity and even heat she can get discounts from the utilities.
I would tell Mom you will give her no more money till you see how much she brings in and what her bills are. Take her to Social Services and see what she is entitled to. Maybe she can get Supplimental Security Income (SSI) in addition to her SSD. Maybe a housing voucher. Foodstamps. There are food closets all over. HUD has apts that require 30% of your monthly income for rent.
Mom needs to realize that she cannot depend on you forever. Your entitled to your life. Your Dad is being generous and her family is not obligated to support her.
I was raised you stay within your income. If things get tight you look at where your money is going and cut back. If Mom has a car, this means insurance, gas and upkeep she can't afford, so get rid of the car. Start using the Senior Bus or the Community bus. Peopke do it every day. There is help out there, she is the one that needs to find it.
The exception is if there is a central boiler it is included and also if there is a central water heater for the entire bldg.
A landlord has to provide heat, but they don’ have to pay for it. And you can’t tell a tenant to use space heaters.
It's time for mom to figure out her own life now. Shes not dads responsibility either, nor is she yours. At her age, it's time for her to work out her own future without relying on anyone's help anymore.
Good luck.
And your father is not responsible for her either, as they are now divorced.
Your mother by her poor choices has made her bed and she's now going to have to lie in it. By you continuing to enable her she will never learn and continue to need more and more of your money.
When are you going to say enough is enough? It's like when you have a family member who is an alcoholic and you complain about how much they drink and their bad behavior, yet you're the one who's going out to buy them alcohol everyday. That's called enabling, and that's exactly what you're doing with your mother.
You may want to start with getting yourself some good counseling so you can better understand the total dysfunction going on within your family, and then your mother can apply for Medicaid and food stamps if she is that destitute.
And in case you didn't understand what I've been saying from the start, I'll say it again, you are NOT responsible for your mother in any way shape or form, nor are you your mothers keeper. It doesn't matter if you are all she has, it's time you now look out for yourself and get on with living and enjoying your life.
She's going to have to learn to live on whatever money she brings in, and as long as you continue to bail her out, she will never learn, and this viscous cycle will continue on for years to come.
You deserve better. I hope you know that.
- Stop paying her bills. This is enabling her.
- Stop fixing her messes. This prevents her growth.
- Point her towards a financial service for low income women.
- Point her towards a housing service for older women.
Mom is an adult. She will either take on her own responsibility as she needs to, or if unable, have to face the reality of why she cannot. Face any dependencies, addictions (if any). Face the past bad choices & now make the best of it. Choose from what is available for her means.
- Go live your life.
Sometimes we do have to tie someone's canoe at the side of the river, for them to stop & get the help they need. It is OK to row our own canoe towards our own goals.
She needs to figure her own problems out, where you are not the answer. If she literally can't afford her life, she needs to cut back. Maybe she needs to find a new type of living arrangements. Rent a room in someone's house? Look for a smaller/cheaper apartment?
Good luck.
We have looked at the local housing authority and senior centet, but I'll examine those again to see if there's been any update on the waitlist.