My mother has divided herself from EVERYone. Where does someone go when they've burned all bridges elsewhere?

The State takes over their care.

You're not alone in this. My MIL has done exactly the same thing. She has 2 people in her life, my DH and his sister. Their older brother has cut her out of his life.

And she's not particularly nice to my DH.

Her ONE 'friend' died a couple of weeks ago. She has literally no one who really is included in her life.

I'd feel bad, but she did that to herself.

I can't even FATHOM what kind of 'patient' she'd be in a NH.

ALs are paid exorbitant fees each month not to have 'patience' for a resident and their "Christian" values or lack thereof, but to house them and to feed them and to make sure they're safe. Why is your mother wearing out the ALs patience? What is she doing that makes you think they'll be asking her to leave? If that happens, you find her another AL that's willing to accept her, knowing she has a 'difficult to please' personality, as MANY elders do. They all complain, they all kvetch, they all carry on to some degree or another, so unless your mother is literally wreaking havoc continuously at her AL, I doubt they'll ask her to leave when they're raking in $5K a month from her (or whatever her monthly rent is). I mean, they MIGHT, if there's a waiting list and she's truly a pain in everyone's butt........but then you can find another unsuspecting AL to take her on.

Perhaps you can have a meeting with the ED of the AL to see what ideas s/he has to keep your mom living THERE for the future. What would mom have to do to stay? Then you can read mom the riot act and say listen, either play by their rules or I'll have to find you another ALF to live in that may not be as NICE as this one, your choice.

What else can you do? Making her a ward of the state would be the absolute LAST thing I'd do if it were me, along with taking her into my home. OUT of the question. So all you can do is shuffle her off to another ALF if she gets kicked out. It won't be 'her fault', of course, b/c women like this refuse to see the error of their OWN ways, God forbid.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

OyVey, you have to realize that she was raised in an era when what she complains about was illegal. She was raised to know that certain behaviors could get you jailed or killed and definitely exiled from the Christian community.

I think people can make their own choices but, they need to be accepting of those that choices are not in agreement with theirs. Acceptance goes boths ways, regardless of our own opinion on that.

I wouldn't bring up the queer or alternative choices family members and tell her that you don't want to hear anything about it. Tell her to love the sinner and hate the sin and pray for them and stop talking about them. Don't try to justify their choices and don't try to make her change her personal beliefs.

She is entitled to her beliefs, as we all are but, NONE of us are entitled to force our beliefs on others. That is where most of these issues lay, people demanding that others forgo their beliefs and accept whatever is forced on them. Not okay!

I wouldn't get involved with her care or housing, I guarantee she isn't the only senior that can't accept 2022 and what is being shoved in everyone's face. Before anyone attacks me, I don't want to see or know about anyone's sexual preference, keep it in the bedroom is my belief, I think it is a special connection that shouldn't be flaunted to the world, period.

I don't think the AL can kick her out based on what opinions she holds and the fact that her filters are all broken (as many AL residents suffer from this, too). Just limit the time you spend interacting with her, use distraction and redirection to keep changing the toxic topics no matter how often she steers back to them. When you've had enough hang up or go home.

She has reached the point at which every word exiting her lips needs (FOR HER OWN GOOD) to be disregarded.

As to the AL, if THEY as trained professionals are “distressed” by her “offensive” comments, you may have to try another care site that is more down to earth about managing and dealing with the needs of crabby old ladies with hearing loss.

It may be helpful in having people accept her as she is if you have a behavioral/functional eval. done by a psychologist or psychiatrist trained in geriatric behavioral management. You may get some tips, but don’t expect any miracles. Dementia reduces the ability to recognize the need for limits and consequences for personal behavior, and KNOWING that she has such problems MAY help victims of her hostility let it pass them without as much hurt.

Bottom line- you have made a FAIR DECISION about what her living arrangements SHOULD be, and what they CAN’T BE. She deserves safe, humane care, but NO ONE needs to bend over backwards, nor to be insulted or maligned without an explanation that her rants are meaningless.

My present LO in care was waspish early on, but ultimately learned a sense of acceptance and appreciation of her caregivers (or maybe just learned to keep her mouth shut).

All you can do is your best. Short visits, ignore what you can, and plan something pleasant as a reward to yourself after you leave her.

Pot Stirrer. Likes to see the swirl they create. Turn away.

We had a post about a difficult AL resident who was required to eat in her room, after upsetting everyone in the dining room. AL’s self regulate. Something else to discuss with her?

OyVey, let me start by saying 'OyVey' because you've got a live one here.
The AL facility can handle her behavior. If they can't then she may have to go to a memory care facility.
My mother is exactly like yours only she throws in a nice big scoop of martyrdom and guilt-tripping.
Try saying to her:

'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares what you think'.
*(you may have to substitute the 'hell' with something stronger. I often do)

Then walk away. Encourage the AL staff to do the same. This is what I have to do every day. People like our mother's are only happy when they can drag other's into their misery circle. They thrive on people's unhappiness. They love to bully others and if they can get tears out of someone, that's so much delicious gravy to them.
If the AL throws her out, they'll make another arrangement for her. Reduce how much communication you have with her. Let her become a ward of the state if necessary.
The AL will put her in memory care of they can't deal with her.
Whatever happens, DO NOT agree to her to being moved into your house.

I sure do agree with your "No. Thank you NO".
Your mother has chosen her path.
We can't change others.
While you might want to tell her gently that her attitude may get her removed from her AL which would/could result in a much less nice facility to finish her life in, it is unlikely to make a difference and would just mean you did cover all the bases.
Again, we cannot change others. We simply must move on with our own lives understanding that they DO indeed get a kind of satisfaction out of their actions, foreign as that may seem to someone who doesn't behave this way.
You might do a bit of training by making negative visits and phone calls very very short. Other than that, I hope others have a few clues for you going forward and I can only wish you good luck and the happy life your Mom has chosen to ignore.

Mom's not in an AL, but rather still living in an apt with YB's family.

Her filter is almost completely gone. The stuff she has said to me in the safe environment of her own home had blown my mind completely.

OK, she's 92 and still living the racist, bigoted attitudes of the 40's. She just has no ability to filter out what she THINKS before she says it.

She asked me one day if my dear friend D was 'still gay' and I replied, "it's not something to 'get over, mom, it's WHO HE IS'. She scoffed and said 'well he broke his mother's heart'. (No, he did not and was and is a stellar son! His mom accepted D's husband as her son and there were no issues.)

Mom's remark following this was "well, I am glad WE don't have any of that awful mess in our family'. NOBODY is going to tell mother than she has 2 grandsons who are gay and one Great grandson (our grandson).

Don't even get me started on racial stuff. She's gotten to the point that we don't take her anywhere. You never know what she's going to spout out.

I am sure and AL has encountered this and will continue to do so. If they can't, maybe a nice calming benzo to settle her down. IDK, I think AL's see the gamut of inappropriate behavior and are generally equipped to handle all and sundry things.

There are no societal 'filters' or worrying about being politically correct with dementia. Regardless if her opinions are popular or not or may hurt someone's feelings, she deserves the same care and respect that would be offered someone who is totally compliant with all of your beliefs and opinions. ALs are trained to understand that, or they should be. You and your family need to decide what is more important; spending time with an elderly LO despite potentially being offended, or staying away completely because it's more comfortable.

Just say, no mother, moving back in with us isn't going to happen. You're going to have to make your living situation work and that might mean you have to be a little nicer to people.

You're not going to be able to "change" how she feels about gays or gluttony....throw a little dementia in there and you've got a really unpleasant conversation, because now she doesn't have a filter. Just divert the conversation every time she goes there.

It would be helpful to the staff if you made clear to your mother, in front of them, that you disapprove of her behavior and treatment of them. Tell her you are leaving and don't want to talk to her anymore at present, as her physical needs have been met currently, reassure them that you understand if they do the the same when indicated. Remind her that her behavior has ended her stay at other ALs, and state that you won't be involved in another change. Some staff won't be personally upset by her behavior, but it will be helpful to know that you support their dislike of it.

Does her Christian faith offer an assisted living facility anywhere in the US where she can live with "like-minded" Christians? Birds of a feather flock together, right?

Tell your Mom that if she starts getting nasty while you’re visiting her, that you will leave immediately. Then do it. She sounds like that she has always been a narcissist. She will be lonely if she burns her bridges. When you visit her, maybe have it more structured. Plan something so that she will stay distracted. Narcissists can learn to keep there mouth shut-if they want to. Sometimes it just takes having someone set them straight. If she asks you a question, just say that you don’t know. Don’t share any information with her about yourself, family, or others. Narcissists will only use it against you at the first opportunity. There are very good books and on-line information about dealing with narcissistic people. You definitely have to set boundaries with them and limit your time around them. I know it’s difficult when it’s your Mother, but it’s better then getting your feelings hurt all the time. That can be very damaging over time and cause you to need counseling. Good Luck!

Some people are just this way. My son's mother-in-law is like this, he really did get the mother-in-law from hell. I have a sister who is competing for the same title, and it cannot be blamed on dementia. Sounds to me like her problems are symptomatic of being a narcissist. Only way to handle a narcissist is to tell them it will not be tolerated, then follow through. When a person gets kicked out of a facility, there is always one waiting that will take anyone to fill a bed. Look for the one-star places and that's where these people end up. Just never forget " no, thank you, no more."

OyVey63: Perhaps it is near impossible to change your mother's personality/attitude/the way she perceives herself.

My mom is highly educated and has always seen herself as superior to others as a result. She distanced herself from all family & friends for years until there was really nobody but me (an only child). She's been unhappy, depressed and down continually for the last 2 decades. It's heartbreaking to me because we were close in younger days. I feel bad for her but her actions have the power to damage my life (and they have). I am now numb to her words after all of these years (self protection mode). She's in assisted living but doesn't like anyone there, hates the food (she orders in about $500.00 of food from outside the facility, per month), refuses to participate in anything. I have just had to accept that this is the person she has become. I tried the happy face song & dance thing for years to no avail. All it did was further damage my own mental health.

I see that someone else suggested not to share too much about your life with her. Sadly that's a lesson I have learned as well. I tell my mom very little about my life and outright lies are the norm for me anymore. Again, self protection first and foremost.

She may need a little therapy - medication and behavior modification - to calm her busybody and vocally critical ways. Maybe a Christian geriatric psychiatrist is the answer to your prayers,

If every senior—or really anyone else—got kicked out for any -ist or -phobic or politically incorrect thought, most seniors and indeed most people would be homeless.

If she doesn’t care for the gay grandchildren, it’s her right. You don’t have to hear about it from her, but it’s not on you to change her mind.