My mother has been calling all her friends and our relatives telling them I stole from her. How do I react?

just read your post, please know you are not alone in this situation. I am an only child, mom is 95 with early alzheimers and I have been going through this for the last couple of years. believe me I know how hard it is and I have a pretty sharp temper myself sometimes, especially when she gets right in my face accusing me of stealing her money or wishing she would die, etc. and I had a really hard time with it at first because my mom and I had always been best friends and so close. but I finally realized it wasn't her and I finally realized I needed my Lord to help me deal with the situation, not just when things were rough but all the time, so every morning and really any time I have to deal with her face to face (which is every day since she is still living in her own home/next to me)I simply stop and repeat a little prayer I have which tells me that I am not meant to carry anyone. only God alone can. He is the Savior and Provider, not me. You can walk beside you cannot carry. Lay people down at the feet of Jesus and come to the sweet understanding He has carried them all along. God Bless.

My mother has dementia and gets worked up about things that aren't really happening. One thing that she seems to enjoy is when I bring her her favorite dessert. And I leave her with enough for several days. It seems to change her thinking and keep her happy for a while

I know how you feel. When I started stepping in to help handle my father's affairs, he decided I, my husband, and our DOG were all involved in Medicare fraud! Their thought processes are failing, but it is all true to them. I stayed away for a year, but continued to handle his affairs. My brother, and Dad's caregiver could not mention my name, but I was still able to call him every week to talk. Somehow, he did not match up the person on the phone to the one he was distrusting. My advice is just keep doing what you know is right. Eventually, he forgot his issues. Before he passed, I was able to visit him again, and even if he couldn't correctly identify me, he knew I was someone near and dear to him. Don't bother trying to prove your innocence, logic is already gone. Try to redirect the conversation. Remind yourself you are doing what you should. And, yes, it is really hard to lose your parent slowly, a bit at a time. You are in my prayers.

Dementia creates the confusion regarding missing items. Don't take it personally even though hard not to. I mean, the fact that she thought you took sheets/traded them for rags and a plate tell you she is no longer thinking rationally. Her friends will also see that it does not make sense.
My boyfriends mother accused her husband of stealing her purse and car keys on a daily basis. We would go there nearly every day and find the purse somewhere in/under the vicinity of her chair. She kept a roll of quarters in her purse, but would take them out of the wrapper and accuse him of stealing the roll....and in her mind the 'roll' was missing. She didn't associate the 40 qtrs in the bottom of her purse as being the original roll of quarters.
The best thing to learn how to do is to not argue because you cannot change a broken mind. Just agree and move on. Or trade the loose quarters in the purse for a roll that you 'find'. And keep her friends in the loop to tell the stories before she tells them. If they hear it from her, they already had your version and will have a better understanding of her diminishing mental issue.

Jodall, I can tell you emphatically that you are not alone in being accused of stealing from your mom. I had mine living with me for five years and there was never a time when she misplaced anything, someone ALWAYS stole it. Everything from her underwear (like I'd want them) to money. And at first, relatives and friends would believe her. It bothered me a lot because I'd never steal from anyone. However, I began to tell myself that I knew she wasn't right in her mind and eventually others would see that and know I hadn't stolen anything. That day did come, especially when she moved to memory care and started accusing residents and caregivers of stealing. This is a daily occurrence now and the relatives and friends that believed her stories that I was taking things from her now know the truth. It's just part of the dementia - they all do it.

Just a funny note on it, my grandfather used to accuse my brother of stealing his socks of all things. My brother responded to this as only he would. He bought a 12 pack of socks at Walmart and every time he visited our grandpa and heard "did you take my socks?" he would go to his truck, pull out a pair and give them to my grandfather. Worked like a charm.

You mentioned that your brothers don't want her to move into a nursing home and one will eventually move in with her. Seems as far as her care goes you shouldn't be pushing to put her in a home. She could very likely accuse your brother of stealing from her after he moves in. But the state your relationship is in now and the fact that you have two siblings willing to look after her seems like maybe it's time to step back and let them have a turn. If you didn't steal from her and you're reputation amongst her friends is good then chances are no one important believes you are a thief anyway. The fact that your relationship with your brothers is so bad that they jumped on this accusation with glee makes me wonder why you would want to be involved at this time?

Ironically, I have a friend who works in an old age manor and you would not believe how many old people accuse others of stealing from them. It's almost like a right of passage, she says. So, you are not alone in this, nor is she. You and other s know you aren't stealing from her, so try to ignore. I know it's hard. Good luck.

I've seen this so many times - often, it is the closest (or only) caretaker that gets accused. Sounds like once she winds down you can have a decent conversation with her. I would suggest diverting - ask her about what she like best about being a model. Tell her how beautiful she still is and what a good job she does keeping herself in good shape. It's actually worse to watch someone go downhill who once cared about their appearance - and now won't let anyone cut her hair or those long facial hairs older people get. I so want her to have her cute haircut again so she doesn't look like some uncared for ragamuffin but she won't allow it. Does your mom like music? Ask her what her favorite songs are, maybe play some music for her. Ask about family - what she remembers as a child, any family stories - before it's too late to ask when she no longer remembers. Narcisists especially love attention and to talk about themselves and be told what a good job they are doing. My mother was horrible to my sisters - the would go to visit her and she would say, in the most hateful tones, that they were only there to try to get her money. If they told her they loved her, she would turn it back to they didn't love her they just wanted her (nonexistent) money. It was devastating to them! Me? I would ask her how much she has, and tell her it wasn't enough for me to bother with, and make a joke out of it. My aunt insisted my cousin who was caring for her was trying to poison her so refused to take her medicines from her, says she was pushed out in front of traffic, that my cousin was going out all the time having orgies and bringing men back, that she took my aunt on a trip to a foreign country and was so busy having sex with all the men and my aunt wanted to leave but my cousin abandoned her there with no money and no identification. Some wild stuff! She truly believed it and would get infuriated if anyone disbelieved it or laughed, so I would just sympathize and ask her what she did to get back from the foreign country, or when she was pushed in front of a car. She would get very vague and forget ... which sometimes allowed me to divert her onto another subject.

I know how you feel. It really hurts. I was crushed when I found a letter addressed to my four siblings. She wanted them to know I stole her wedding ring and after her demise, they should take action. When I had to move her from one facility to another I found another note repeating her accusation. I of course am the sole person responsible for her care. What I now realize is that in her mind, she truly believes that this happened. She is not responsible for what she says or does. You can try one more time to connect with her. If she continues her behavior, give up knowing you tried your best. Let someone else in the family handle things and you can help them when your mom is gone. Otherwise you will start experiencing health problems.

You should get an elder lawyer in order for a statement to be made that YOU have done nothing wrong and this is all psychotic fabrication on her part.

I do not know much about dementia, but I believe accusations of stealing are stemmed from the disease. She probably needs professional help to help her manage the disease. The dementia will progress and there are symptoms of being belligerent and the concern for her safety. You might want to have another family member or a friend of her's accompany you during the visits.

Good luck.

I see three things you should do. She has dementia so I don't think the first thought will do any good but do it anyway to make yourself feel better and get this off your chest. Sit her down and tell her you are appalled and shocked at her horrible lying behavior and it must stop at once - and for all time. Tell her if she persists, you will disown her and walk away or put her in a home. Then you could call the friends and the relatives, depending on your relationship, and tell them she has been diagnosed with dementia and is lying, etc. You are NOT guilty and you want them to know the real facts. Get a doctor to attest to this before you do this. The last idea is to simply stay away from her as much as possible and if she talks with you and gets nasty, hang up or walk away. She is not a nice person. Ignore her completely. Do nothing for her any more and certainly do not ever give her another cent. I'd personally walk away as she is no longer who she once was - and I can't tolerate that myself as it would destroy me.

I question how safe she is however. She could walk off , burn the house down. Might be time for a facility

Firstly - don't even try to justify yourself over anything she says, you know its not true, family and friends know it is not true, so you are putting more stress on yourself for no need.
Secondly - think seriously about whether you go and see her. If it disturbs her and makes her behaviour more difficult, and upsets her, then it may be time to stop. So many people go on visiting when they are unknown, or it distresses the patient, or worst makes them violent and impossible for carers to handle. I know it is hard when one has been especially close but you are not (from what you say) adding anything positive to her life. If you feel you need to go to convince yourself you have done everything, and ensure you do not feel guilty or uncaring, that is a different matter - but you go for you, you are not going for her at this time, give yourself permission to make whatever choice you feel best for YOU.

According to my mother I stole all her furniture ( started when she moved , presently it’s sitting in her apartment and she uses it daily but whatever) , my sister stole all her money( nope, still in the bank she put it in) lol.
Its a delusion so to her it’s real. No sense trying to convince her . Her dr told me change the subject. If you can and she’s in a safe environment like ALF , say goodbye. She’ll just continue to get reved up and madder and madder.
My mother is a narcissist and has always been verbally abusive but it still is hurtful. I just try to look it it humorously. Like I want her ratty old couch lol. Once I learned she was a narcissist and started seeing her gaslight etc it made me laugh. She thinks she’s pulling a fast one 😂

If there is a tiny drop of consolation, your letter is my life word for word, except my siblings (her darlings who do little for her) agree with her that it's true so that they can get more out of her. She's alienated them from me so I now have no one as I spent my life catering to her rather than getting my own family/spouse. Yes, this is a crappy answer, but I'm hoping at least you can say "gee I don't have it as bad as that old maid does."

I can emphasize with you. My mom was just entering dementia when she started telling friends and family I was stealing her money. I lived 90 miles away but that didn't stop them from believing her. To this day I'm ignored by family. I even lost a great relationship I had with my favorite uncle who died believing the lie.
Its hard but you have to count on your integrity and reputation to stand tall. You can't convince your mom she's wrong.

Unfortunately this is one of the symptoms of the disease. It seems as though they always say someone is stealing from them, among other things. Talk to your friends and family and let them know that this is something they go through as the brain is under attack. Everyone needs to read about the disease and what the brain is going through and they will understand better. It might be helpful to have a website or even printed information on hand about dementia to give to family.

Yep, BTDT. I, as the DIL, have been accused of stealing my MIL’s “expensive” jewelry. This was actually a few necklaces and pieces of costume jewelry that they had picked up on trips. She had a list of things I had supposedly stolen. My FIL knew it was not true but couldn’t find it. Having already btdt with my grandmother, I told my husband some places to look and sure enough they found it hidden in the drawer under the sheets. My grandmother was also great at throwing things away that she couldn’t figure out how to use or that “didn’t work anymore” and then accusing people of stealing them. It’s a rough road, but it will pass when she gets to the point that she can’t remember that she can’t find it. hang in there!

We went through that with mom - my sister stealing anything mom couldn’t find. It escalated to anything she noticed that didn’t look right had to assign blame and was often negative. Very hard. But every friend told me this is a phase and there is the other side. It’s true. She stopped accusing everyone of stealing or doing things in her home etc etc. Someone else brought up meds and I will add that codeine made mom hallucinate. To this day she firmly believes the crazy stuff she saw and only gets angry when we poke holes in her story to try and reason and reassure her. Hang in there - its the awful Dementia not mom. One more thing. We got rid of her AARP newsletter which is filled with useful information on how to avoid scams including being taken by family members. All these would cause great fear in mom and some stories became her reality. So if possible have your brothers bring mom to your place for visits so mom cant accuse you of taking anything when at her house. Or take her out for drives. This is what my sister started doing during that phase.

My mom has done this for over ten years. No dementia. She has a hoarding problem. Very suspicious of my sister Ian's I once when we cleaned her home. (We did NOT grow up that way in filth). Now while in hospice for renal failure, and other issues that impact blood flow and clear thinking, I think, she blames everyone about the loss of even trash envelopes. All I can say is hang on. Best wishes.

I, too, like many of the other caregivers, was in the same boat. My once stable, grounded, and intelligent mom became paranoid and distrustful once Alzheimer's was in full swing. In a book I wrote about it, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale," I have chapters entitled, "Steel Yourself for Stealing," and "Paranoia Can Annoy Ya." At first, I tried to reason wit my mom. When she accused "coffee thieves" of coming in a second story window to steal her coffee, I reminded her that she just drank a cup (of decaf), but since she didn't remember doing that, the only "logical" explanation was that someone came in and siphoned it out of her cup. When she accused someone of trying to put poison in her cup of coffee, I offered to drink it to prove otherwise, but it just escalated the situation, so I went in the kitchen, banged around some pots, poured her coffee into another cup, and she said it was delicious. I learned to think on my feet, and get rid of logical thought when necessary. It's so counter-intuitive, but it was our "new reality." At first, her insults really hurt my feelings. We had always gotten along so well. Sometimes my husband would mouth, "It's not really your mother," and he was so right. You just have to view your mom's insults as the disease talking, and not her. Best of luck.

Absolutely typical and classic for Alzheimer's. A certainty. We are both fairly elderly ourselves, but my partner and I still laugh about his Mom's constant litany of "Wilma took it". When anything is missing it is our "go to". That is not to say that the elderly are not, for this reason alone, easy for the nefarious to prey upon.

Jodall WELL DONE for ploughing on with the conversations yesterday and making that breakthrough. I hope you both felt so much better by the end of it.

It just made me wonder, about your mother's anger and paranoia - is she yelling AT you, or TO you? And if it does feel like at, does she go on doing it if you don't try to contradict or correct her?

Unfortunately your issues with mom seem to be pretty common. My mom has dementia but thankfully (knock on wood) her illness hasn't gone in that direction. If you start reading more posts on here you'll notice that people in your situation usually have siblings that take mom's side. It's great to hear that your brothers are on your side and close enough to mom to check up on her. Hopefully things will change in regards to her paranoia. I had an older friend (70) that started telling everyone her daughter was trying to poison her. This started right after she started taking a new medication for her dementia. They changed meds and her paranoia went away. Unfortunately her dementia staid the same but she was a lot happier it seemed without the meds.

These seem to me to be a direct product of her dementia.
When my grandmother became ill, she turned on my dad, accusing him of throwing human waste on her property.
Previous to this, she had dearly loved him all the years head beenher son-in-law.
As her dementia increased, she forgot her accusations and became peaceful towards him.
Sometimes it’s hard to remain focused on the widespread damage that dementia does to even very close, very dear relationships.
Whether you attempt to “prove” that you didn't steal from her, or ignore what you are told she has said, it makes NO difference to her, and in the long run, no difference to the sadness you feel about it.
If you are able to forgive her and realize that it is her ILLNESS TALKING, NOT the loving soul you have begun to lose to her disease, I promise you that you will ultimately find yourself at Peace.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I'm sorry your mother is so frightened and angry, too; but at least that's not something you or anybody else did to her.

The pain and grief that you have because of losing your relationship with your mother is a big issue that will take time to address. Meanwhile, though: your mother is living in a mobile home close to your brothers? Hey, that doesn't sound any too safe. Hadn't the three of you, you and both brothers, better get together and work out a care plan for your mother?

I don't know if it's any consolation for you that at least one of your brothers now understands what you've been going through. It does, at the very least, make you safer from any potential misunderstanding of the accusations your mother has been making.

For the time being I think it would be the right choice not to go and see your mother if it leads only to confrontation and aggression on her part. I know you're the one who gets lashed out at, but she is the one feeling the fear and anger - all the more reason not to go, it doesn't do either of you any good. I hope this won't be forever or even for very long, necessarily, just until things are more under control.

Does your mother get any medical, psychiatric or other professional input? Have any recommendations been made about her care?

It's very normal for the person the closest to the patient to be blamed for the most. Does she know you are her daughter? I use to deliver medicine to Dementia wards and the patients would always tell me stories about how the nurses are stealing from them (the people they see the most). Honestly, the fact that she recognized you is great. I know its upsetting but you don't have to prove yourself to anyone. Alzheimer's/Dementia is something that's different for each patient and hard for most people to understand, regardless. Does she do it with anyone else? It's normal that when a patient loses/ misplaces something they blame it on others. She's not understanding that she was the one who did it. Most patients don't accept the fact that they even forget things. Anger is a normal stage. Stay strong.

The only thing I can tell you is that this stage will pass.
For whatever reason a person with dementia can become attached to only one person and they can single out one person to become very angry with.
Make sure brothers get her tested for a UTI. As strange as that sounds, a UTI can cause dementia like symptoms while it may not cause symptoms you would expect like frequency of urination or burning. The only way you would know is a simple pee test. An antibiotic would be needed. A UTI can be toxic.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. The spoken word, true or not, is powerful.
It’s good that your family knows she is ill.
edit: how do you react? With compassion if possible. Come here to vent. We understand.

You can not argue with someone who has dementia. They absolutely believe what they are saying is true. You write that everyone she’s told knows it’s not true, so let it go. It’s easier said than done, I know. Everyone on this forum who has watched a loved one sink into the quicksand of this disease and slowly disappear knows exactly what you’re going through. Sending hugs.