My mom's DMV letter came today, all hell is going to break loose...

I went thru same ... Took my sister to her neurologist and he went ahead and told DMV that my sister should not be driving due to her dementia.
I personally took the completed
forms back to DMV, and Less then 8 days later sister received letter stating her license has been suspended.
Fortunately for us my sister just accepted it.... Actually I think she was somewhat relieved.
I do not think your moms Dr will fill final paperwork out without your mom having an appt.,
good luck

I would send it to her doctor and keep my mouth shut.

The mother needs to know nothing about the first letter. Really, if she had thrown it away without filling it out, her license would have been revolked for not complying. All she needs to see is the letter asking for her to turn in her licence. In NJ, u don't go to the DMV, but mail it to the DMV in Trenton. The next step is taking the keys and disabling the car. If she won't hand over the keys, call the local police dept and ask if an officer will come out and do it.

The best thing is to get the car off the property where she can't see it.

Is she mentally capable/aware of how to get a car fixed if it is broken? Perhaps, disable the car and put a note under the hood to say she can no longer drive and not to fix the car...just tell her they can't find the problem. Maybe if she gets used to people having to drive her around, she'll give up. She'll still have a car in the driveway, just unable to use it.

Just read the post where the DMV clerk kept giving the father the test till he passed it. The one Dept you trust to say "NO". It shouldn't have to be the family. Its hard enough dealing with some stubborn LO suffering from a Demenia and then u have to be the Bad one.

A police Officer in my town knew his Mom was not capable of driving. But state law says a Dementia person has to have an accident and it has to show that the Dementia was the cause. Really! So they kill someone in the meantime and that's OK. The States need laws to protect the rest of us. A car is a weapon used in the wrong hands.

Doctors need to step up to the plate and report that a patient should not be driving. As soon as a diagnosis is made of any Dementia, the license needs to be taken away. There were signs way before the diagnosis.

Hi Exhausted: I was the one who notified the DMV about my parents when they started to show signs of bad decision making while driving putting themselves and the public at large at risk. When “ the letter came” my mom decided she wasn’t going to bother with going to the DMV and her frustration and anger were not too difficult to handle. It wasn’t pleasant by any stretch, but she still had my dad and me to drive her places. When the DMV notified my dad, he went ballistic and wanted to kill whoever notified the DMV. He went to DMV and I knew he’d struggle with taking the test on the computer there. To my horror, after failing it on the computer and telling the clerk about getting picked up by the police because he got lost and ended up at some stranger’s house driving to a friend’s home, the DMV clerk let him take the test repeatedly manually until he passed it. I then took away my dad’s keys and told him he couldn’t drive until a neurologist gave him the OK. It was HELL. Neurologist backed me and over rode my dad’s “ passing of DMV” . To this day, my family agrees that by keeping my dad off the road in his demented state, we saved innocent lives. Hopefully, your DMV will be smarter and will do their part. You will still need to remove the car as seeing it everyday will remind your dad of his inability to drive. We also arranged for someone to drive both parents wherever and whenever they wanted to go somewhere. Yes their ability to drive was taken away, but they were not left stranded with no options.

Piper, this is one of the hardest things you will ever endure. Yes, I am a rabid advocate for getting dementia folks off the road. It took me 5 years, interactions with cops and a pickup driven through a bank window to get this accomplished. We were so blessed that nobody was killed during this time.

My advice is this. Leave the letter in with all the other mail to be given to mother. She will likely throw it away. The beautiful thing is that 45 days will pass. License will be revoked, another letter will appear. By then, she will have no license. You can then have a family intervention and agreement that nobody assists her to "reclaim" the license. You can try to reason with her that she cannot insure vehicles if she has no valid license. By this point, you need to have a family plan on who is going to take her to medical appointments, grocery shopping, church, etc.

Best to you...

Usually they get their loved ones medical team involved as you have suggested here. If your Mom gets pissed, let her be pissed. She needs to be saved from herself as you stated she wouldn't pass the assessment. She can also kill someone behind the wheel due to the fact that a car is a machine capable of inflicting such harm. She needs to know and understand that at this point.

As a former insurance agent ------ good luck
This is a very tricky and hard area to navigate.

Some customers told the senior the doctor/insurance agent advises you should not drive for a while
or the State is clamping down and said you can't drive for xx amount of months.

Mom your driving is scaring me that you may get hurt. I love you and want you safe. If you need to go somewhere I'll be happy to take you. ( or others who are available ) Just let us know when you want to go somewhere.

This is so hard. For some its the most sacred feeling of independence. Good luck in however you approach it.

Even if the license were to be revoked or not renewed, your mother can still try and drive. Remove keys where she can't find them and incapacitate the car if you plan on keeping the car.

Do what you know you need to do. I lost a good friend because some senior was driving only because her family was too chicken to get her keys away from her. She plowed right into my friend who was on a motorcycle killing him. To me her family was just as guilty as she was.

It's a good thing that you opened said letter! She shouldn't be driving and you should tell her doctor that. Good grief - she would kill someone!

Just a quick question. Are you your mothers guardian or Power of Attorney? Or is she still Independent and signs for herself. If so there could be legal problems if you take the paperwork to her doctor without her approval.

I just went through this with both my parents. My mum, having dementia, really didn't care/notice. My father was extremely angry his independence had been taken away. They lived in the suburbs and were car reliant with no family members nearby. Because my father refused to stop driving I reported them to DMV and they went through the process of trying to fill out the forms, get medical approval to drive from their doctors (declined).
Yes, the charade of independence is intense. My father feels life is not worth living without full independence. The lose of driving privileges led to their moving in with me and I have been the subject of his anger. It doesn't matter, it had to be done. They were not only risking their own lives, but the lives of everyone else on the road.
I really felt bad reporting them (and they don't know I did, though my father suspects), but I felt it was my responsibility.
When he lashes out at me about living with me and I tell him, "This isn't about me, this is just what getting old is. I'm sorry you have lost your driving privileges and your world has gotten smaller. It's not my fault, it's just life."

A few weeks ago, 2 elderly women from the Bay Area, both suffering cognitive decline, took a drive down to my neck of the woods. Roughly a 115 mile drive. I don’t know if anything happened on the way down but.......they did a hit & run sometime after arriving in town, I believe they hit a parked car and kept going. And then when they left for home, they got on highway 1 and drove several miles going NORTHBOUND in the SOUTHBOUND lanes, before the highway patrol got them stopped! They are lucky they didn’t kill someone!

I hope the driver’s family took away her keys after that.......

Luckily, my mom gave her license up without much of a struggle. We live in NY state and insurance is required. After she had 3 accidents in 3 years, her insurance was dropping her. I told her no other insurance company was going to want to pick her up unless they put her in a risk pool and that would be very expensive. That appealed to my mom's thriftiness and - even though she could have easily afforded it - she thought she'd go broke paying it and relinquished her driving privileges. She would not, however, turn in her license and because of that, MY insurance increased. My agent reasoned that she was living in my house and could have taken my car or my son's if she got her hands on the keys.

Hi ExhaustedPiper: My dad is going to be 90 in July. In 2016 he was drinking a 12 pack a day. I knew he had to stop driving but he'd go in the morning, get his beer and come home and drink all afternoon. I prayed if he had an accident no one would be killed. He did have an accident Aug, 2016. His fault. He was taken to the county hospital as he was so confused. Thank God no one else was hurt. The police wrote up an accident report and notified DMV. Dad got a letter stating his license had been suspended but he could appeal that decision. He read the letter but forgot that he could appeal and then I started telling him that he "lost" his license due to the accident. He doesn't even remember any of it now and when I tell him he doesn't have a license he says he'll go to Oklahoma (where he was born) and get one there. haha I'm wondering, while your mom is gone, could you disable the car (take out the distributor cap) so if she does go to drive it won't start. Perhaps with the letter from the DMV and the car being "broken" and needing "repair" that would help with the transition. My dad is VERY independent too. That trait never goes away. I wish you the best as you cross this hurdle.

My mother lost her license because the DMV found out that she's 75% blind due to glaucoma. She kept driving without the license and planned to keep on, forever. I told my sister that if mom hurt or killed anyone her money and property would be taken away in a lawsuit and there'd be nothing left to inherit. (Insurance wouldn't cover her without the license.) That did the trick--word spread throughout the family and everyone applied so much pressure that mom finally sold her car and stopped driving. Study your family situation to apply pressure at the right points...

When my Father was 88 he had an accident in the neighbors driveway hitting their car no one injured and little damage. The police were called and they wrote it up as a "Senior Accident" and DMV was notified. Dad received a letter stating he would need to take a drivers test ( eye,written and driving) to keep his license. My sister said it was a very tense time but he passed with flying colors. However about six months later he had a stroke never a drove again. He did become a great back seat driver and always was quick to give the driver pointers on what he thought they were doing wrong.

My 90 year old father starting driving on the "farm" when he was 12. Not so much as one ticket or accident until he turned 89. Then as dementia began he started having minor scrapes and rubs on his vehicle. I knew that dad probably should stop driving but being so independent I chose not to do anything (guessing I knew the fallout would be huge). My brother (who lives with him) refused to even discuss having his license revoked (no doubt afraid he would have to drive dad). One day I saw the side view mirror was missing - dad couldn't remember hitting anything. The police brought him home at 4:00 am because he had curbed it and got a flat tire. He told them he was going to the doctors. Neither the police nor his clinic doctor (various doctors alternate seeing patients) pulled his license. I rode with him to see first hand if there was a problem. He went through two red lights and drove about 20mph in a 50 zone. I went to my doctor, explained the situation and got dad to come for a appointment. He failed the medical tests horribly. Three weeks later the DMV sent "THE" letter. He was furious at the doctor (and at me). He took my brothers keys a couple weeks later and went out Christmas shopping. The police stopped him 1/2 mile from home for which he incurred $840.00 in fines. This still did not daunt him, to this day he would drive if he found anyone's keys and does not understand why this happened to him. It is a battle 10 months later. But as guilty as I felt having this done to him, and as sneaky as I feel warning everyone to pocket their keys, I know it is the right thing. Do you want to wait until your Mom is injured? Do you think maybe you can wait until something happens? Could you live with yourself if Mom injured or killed another person from her alterned driving? I knew Dad would lose his pride, independence, and freedom when I did this, but I also knew it wasn't going to get any better and I wasn't going to take any chances. I now take my father for a ride every Sunday and Wednesdays are set for his errand days. He's not entirely happy and it is another job for me - but it's the best I could do and feel it was the right thing to do.

Hello Exhausted Piper, I am going through a similar situation with my sister. I am getting her evaluated by a neurologist (we still don't have full diagnosis). Once I get a diagnosis, I will send a letter to the DMV and get her license revoked. I will take the car keys myself. I know my sister will be angry but it is better than her getting lost, getting into an accident and hurting herself or someone else.

When my mother could no longer see the lines in the road due to bad macular degeneration, she took herself off the road. Bravo for her BUT.......She attached herself to me so I could take her all over and be the whipping person who had to carry on her life as if she was still independent. After some trials and tribulations, I established boundaries and there’s been more peace. But it was not easy.

Taking public transportation was out of the question due to her poor eyesight. She was too vulnerable. I had to do everything for her when she was out - like pay with her credit card, use cash, look for an item etc. So it was me who had to do everything for her except use the bathroom.

Be prepared to take on her life! She will hand it to you on a silver platter. I’ve been doing this for over 7 yrs now. Oddly enough, I had a dream last night that my father (who passed 8 yrs ago) came in to take my mother to a new apartment. In my dream they were both in their 30’s or 40’s. I woke up so very relieved that someone else was taking over my burden. I felt finally that my overwhelming responsibility of caring for my mother was finally over. It was like walking in air for me this morning! I forgot how knee-deep into being responsible for someone else’s life was all about. Like having kids again. Anyway, I’m back to reality for now. Have a POW-WOW with your siblings and get things sorted out to make life easier for you all.

With my MIL she got to take the new test for her license . she passed and I had told them she needed to drive . In short she got 3 tries ,they even came to her house the last time . Then the officer told her it wasn't safe for her or other ppl to be driving .. I heard all about how mad she was at the cops for taking her license but she never tried to drive after . Since she always obeyed the laws . And you get a easy way to not be the person she is yelling about .. she never did get the officers name who told her nope you cant drive .We the family then weren't to blame either !

Um. Do you have your mother's permission to open her mail?

Here in BC, at age 80 and every two years after that drivers need to pass a mandatory medical exam.

The form is mailed out about 6 prior to the driver’s birthday and has to be completed by the family doctor.

Dad passed his this year at age 90, but he is not driving much at all anymore.

Additionally a family doctor can fill in the forms to have a license pulled if they feel the person is no longer safe to drive. It takes a fair bit of the burden off the family.

Of course it does not help with the anger of the parent. Nor does it stop them from driving without a license. But here the police can impound the car if the driver does not have a license.

My dad lost his driving privileges because of dementia in December of 2017. He continued to drive for over 6 more months without a license. I was scared to death something would happen. I tried a mini intervention in April of 2018 to get his keys from him (zipped in his pocket 24/7). I had to physically force myself to take them. He became so violent we had to call the police and they put him in handcuffs and took him away in an ambulance and he stayed in the hospital for a few days on a medical hold, only to find after that there were extra sets of keys I didn't know about. No, that did not stop his driving. The DMV failed to have him turn in his old license when he got his ID card and in his mind, he still 'had a license' because it was still in his wallet. I got to know the sheriff in his neighborhood and used to leave phone messages for him when my dad was out so they could pull him over. Finally one day, the sheriff called me and he was at dads. My dad was sitting in his car in the driveway and the sheriff had taken the hard copy of his license from him. After that, he said he no longer had a license and did not drive on the street anymore but he still drives back and forth in and out of his garage. Unfortunately because he is on his own property, the sheriff told me there is nothing we can do. The caregivers are the ones that usually drive his cars now. Just because they revoke his license, it does not mean they won't still drive.

I went through a very similar thing with my in laws. None of my family would write to DPS to ask for an evaluation. They both have dementia. Have gotten lost while driving and has had a wreck. My personal doctors have told me that I am doing everyone on the road a favor and my in laws a favor by getting them off the road. I'll take the wrath. I do anyway for everything else. That's a fact. They've yelled at me, pounded the table. Neurologist has told them no driving. Some see driving as their last bit of independence that has been taken away. They do not see that it is for their safety and the safety of others. Do what needs to be done!

If this form has to be returned within 45 days...
She is out of town....
You have no knowledge of this letter....(wink wink)
Her license will be revoked before she knows it has been revoked.
She can then "try" to get another letter and another doctor visit upon her return. But until she obtains the signed form she will not be able to drive.
The question is does she have access to a vehicle in PA where she is? If she tries to rent a car they will find out that her license has been revoked.

One of the ways I got my Husband to sort of accept the no driving..I told him with the new the medication he was on the doctor said he could not drive while he was taking it. He still asked and he did take the car once, I had hidden the keys but obviously not well enough. I got a carabiner clip and attached the keys to my belt loop!

This is my second post, sorry.

My grandfather, when he was over 80, moved into AL. He still had his car, and a valid driver's license, and he drove. He almost aways had a little fender bender. But, my father (his son, obviously), knew that if my father tried to get the license taken away that my grandfather would be devastated.

So, my father tried to do as much as he could for his father s that no driving was needed. And, as soon as my grandfather needed to renew his license, my father went to the DMV with my grandfather's medical records and photos of all the DINGS in the car, and asked them to make my grandfather take a driving test (not just an eye test) and let my grandfather take the test but FLUNK him. Because my grandfather should not have been driving.

Yes, it was a small town.....but not really. 100,000 people.

My father took my grandfather to the DMV, and he flunked on is own, without any dishonesty needed from the DMV.

It is possible to get the DMV to help.

I would not take the document to your mother's physician. It's your mother's mail, just forward it to her, along with whatever other mail has come if any. If she asks why it looks as if you opened it, just say it was a mistake. You thought maybe it was a traffic ticket, or car registration renewal?

Even if you are the POA, that doesn't mean that you HAVE to deal with her mail, it just means that you have the legal authority to deal with her mail.

As far as your mother being able to get someone in PA to step in: I doubt that any reputable physician in PA who does not normally treat your mother is going to agree to fill out that form at all, never mind fill it out in a way that would pass Florida driving issues. That's a huge liability for that PA physician. And, I'm not sure that the Florida DMV would even honor a form filled out by a PA physician. You could call and ask the Florida DMV about that.

Lastly, right now, at Florida DMV, it is recorded that your mother has been deemed not authorized to drive by a physician. And, not just any physician, but one who did a neuro-psych evaluation. That means that wherever she drives, if she gets into an accident, insurance will not cover it and someone could sue your mother civilly and, if they win, get a judgment taking way all her assets that are not legally protected from a judgment. And, obviously, we all know that it's a crime, however low level, to drive without a valid license.

As long as she is in PA, she won't drive, right? As long as you don't try to expedite things, which could go against what you want, this may play itself out within the 45 days and when your mother gets mad at you then you can blame it all on the medical and legal professions!

I would do exactly what you are going to do. There is no way if Mom got that letter that she would have taken it to the doctor. Fill out what you can and take it to the doctor. She will never know. She will just get a letter from DMV asking her to hand in her license.

Please, don't feel guilty about this. I really think there should be stricter laws concerning the elderly and driving. Also, that doctors must be the reporter and not expect family to handle it.

I thought FLA was a state that tested their elderly periodically for driving?