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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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I have to ask... What do YOU want to do? If you can not safely care for her...the answer is no. If you do not want to care for her....the answer is no.
Honestly if mom is in Skilled Nursing I would gather that to mean that her care is more than what can be managed at home. Unless you have help. Can SHE afford that? And I mean caregivers 24/7/365, not just a few hours a few days a week. And I should add unless the house is such that she can be safely cared for by caregivers WITHOUT you giving up your primary space.
In your profile you say mom is in "Independent Living" in your question you say mom is in Skilled Nursing. Has she just moved to Skilled Nursing? You also mention she has dementia. No matter what level (i.e. "stage") she is now she will decline. Even if you can care for her this week can you manage her care in a month when she has declined and needs more care.
If she is being cared for now. I would tell her that it is not safe for her to come live with you now. You could even place "blame" on the doctor that says she has to remain where she is.
Since you are asking us, I will assume you really don’t want Mom living with you , and that’s ok .
You can tell Mom that her care needs require a full staff at a skilled facility . You can also say that you can not provide the care she needs at your home .
If your mom is in skilled nursing, that means that she now requires 24/7 care with a whole team of folks assisting her. You are but one person and sadly would not be able to give her the care she now requires, so it's best to leave her where she is at, where you can continue to be her loving daughter and advocate and not her overwhelmed and unskilled caregiver.
You do what Mom wants. Because she is your Mom. You make her plan come true - regardess of the consequences, cost, whether you have the nursing skills.
I HOPE you read the above & got angry with me! Thought NO - That ain't right!
When calm, try to set aside the guilt at Mom living in care & look at the FACTS. Think about what she WANTS vs what she NEEDS.
Is it possible for her to live at home, her home, with help? Is it practical to live with you? What would the care burden load on you look like?
You should be very firm! NO! For her own good, she needs to remain in skilled nursing where there are many people to take care of her. You can't do it alone, and even if you hired help, you can't provide the professional team like she has now.
You're a grownup, and mom doesn't call the shots, especially since she's probably not in her right mind at present. She's your mom and you love her, but you don't have to do what she wants.
Your responsibility is to keep her where she gets what she NEEDS.
If you want to give it a try and it’s feasible, go for it. She can always go back if it doesn’t work out. There are a lot of variables. You can get the idea, reading this forum, that it’s an impossible feat, yet people (including myself) have been doing it from time immemorial. I’m not saying my own parent will live with me forever, but right now, in the midst of her moderate dementia, I have no regrets. When she’s in a facility, I’m spending so much time there, that this is actually easier. It’s not the life I dreamt of, but watching my mother lose her mind never was my dream.
If she is in Skilled nursing than she needs 24/7 care. This is her Dementia talking. Most of them want to go home but is it the home they lived in as an adult or the one they grew up in?
You know, Mom can't come to live with you. So you tell her "maybe when the doctor gives the OK". Or "Right now we are remodeling, place is a mess". Or be honest "sorry Mom, I just don't have the extra room and you need more care than I can give".
Why do you need to do anything? Did she give your everything you wanted when you were a child? No, why is this any different? Just because she wants something doesn't mean she should get it.
Tell her it's not possible to do that, that she requires a team of caregivers to help her and you're only 1 person. When she tells you there's absolutely nothing wrong with her and SHE can help YOU at home, tell her she's under doctors orders to stay in the SNF. Repeat as necessary.
"I'm sorry, it's simply not possible - doctor's orders."
Repeat as necessary.
Resist the urge to give various reasons. Your profile says your mother has dementia. That means her reasoner is broken, so trying to reason with her will just lead to anger and frustration for both of you.
Why is she in skilled care if living with you was a possibility?
She is in skilled care because it wasn't. So don't start entertaining the thought of taking her out of care and moving her in with you. Be honest with yourself. If you could take care of her in your home she'd already be there. You cannot so you did the right thing and put her into LTC.
I would never give someone a moment of judgment for having to place a LO in care. You do what needs to be done for their own good.
Susie, your profile says that your mother Betty “is 97 years old living in independent living”. You are a new poster who wrote ‘independent living’ very recently, perhaps just yesterday. Betty has AZ, depression, anxiety, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, mobility problems and a UtI. Your question says that she is in skilled nursing, which sounds much more likely than ‘independent living’. Getting mixed up between them shows that it’s currently an overwhelming mess for both of you.
You “recently lost your father”, so both you and M are dealing with a lot of changes. If F was with her, she is lonely now, would love to be with you - or with Dad. She wants to go back in time. Perhaps that's how you feel too. Give yourselves both time to adjust, and tell her that the NH and the doctors are working to get her well enough to try going home.
My friend used the home really as a care center while she worked full-time and it worked for her! She would get her mother after work all dressed and ready! Take her home and run a bath for her while she was getting their dinner ready she let her soak! She put her night clothes on her and after dinner they talked as much as her mother could and she took her back to the center! She had her room fully decorated with pictures personal pillows and even her favorite sheets! My friend did it because she had to work and couldn't trust her 99 yr old mother from leaving her home to wander! She had the home to clean, groceries to buy meals to plan and she changed her mom's sheets every day and her pads for her chairs and beds! I don't know how she did it, especially since her mother was lost in la la land for years! She sucked the life out of my friend and she never married because her mother was unhappy with her father! She got to sleep at night because her mother was a night traveler! She exhausted herself into the hospital for a month! She was home for a month and was restricted to visits only with her mother! Her cousin a nun and her cousin a priest told me that she was getting her strength back and they even had dinner at her home to discuss her mother's 100 birthday and their father's 101 birthday because they were at the same center and had the same Bday! My friend had a wonderful neighbor that took care of her little dog and home while she was sick! She was also the one that insisted the police needed to break in her home because she could hear the dog barking! They got annoyed and did break in and my friend was in the basement with her little dog laying on her! She never came back from a stroke and her cousins said when they told her mother, she asked "Is that the girl that gave me my bath at her home?" Her cousin, the priest gave a lovely sermon about living with a lifetime of hatred and how it destroys everyone around you too! My friend was 53! Her father died 10 years before and when he died her mother was shattered! As my friend would say "she couldn't like him when he was alive, but she missed him when he was dead?" Take her out for the day if you can! Even if only outside! I used to take my friend outside each day even in the cold in her wheelchair and we would go around and she felt the fresh air and since her eyesight was gone I would describe what was going on to her! She was transferred several hours away and her sister said she asked for me everyday! I did see her several times and her sister asked me to come tell her it was time to go with her children! I was with her for several hours! I talked to her and the nurses said her vitals were for settling down and she wasn't fighting it! She passed the next day in her hometown with her sister and brother there! She was a woman that had a rough shell but a lot of warmth inside! She asked me to be her guardian angel and I will always have her in my heart! Whatever you do will make a difference! Take her favorite food and eat outside on a nice day! Any change will make a difference! I had a social worker ask me why she was so depressed? I said she lived in a beautiful home that she owned and is in half a room, blind and knows she is never going home? She said Wow! I guess your right!
I'm sorry, but a 99 year old has lived their life, and then some. By all means we ensure they are well cared for, but why sacrifice what may be the last few years of our own lives for them? Surely that is not what a loving parent would have wanted. We don't all get 99 years!!
We kept my Dad at home as long as we could, until it became a safety issue for him and us caretakers. It was much better for him in a nice assisted living facility with only 45 residents. We visited every day for hours. I am amazed at how many have no loved ones visiting. We brought many things from home to decorate his room. When he asked to go home we told him we had to tent the home for termites. ( a white lie but it helped) until he stopped asking. The ALF was also good as we could not pick up dad if he fell or help him to the bathroom alone. It was also good to have the staff Dr there to change medication as needed for any aggression or sickness. As he got much worse we moved him to a small 6 person home where he got more individual attention. It worked out well
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What do YOU want to do?
If you can not safely care for her...the answer is no.
If you do not want to care for her....the answer is no.
Honestly if mom is in Skilled Nursing I would gather that to mean that her care is more than what can be managed at home.
Unless you have help. Can SHE afford that? And I mean caregivers 24/7/365, not just a few hours a few days a week.
And I should add unless the house is such that she can be safely cared for by caregivers WITHOUT you giving up your primary space.
In your profile you say mom is in "Independent Living" in your question you say mom is in Skilled Nursing. Has she just moved to Skilled Nursing?
You also mention she has dementia.
No matter what level (i.e. "stage") she is now she will decline. Even if you can care for her this week can you manage her care in a month when she has declined and needs more care.
If she is being cared for now. I would tell her that it is not safe for her to come live with you now.
You could even place "blame" on the doctor that says she has to remain where she is.
You can tell Mom that her care needs require a full staff at a skilled facility . You can also say that you can not provide the care she needs at your home .
You are but one person and sadly would not be able to give her the care she now requires, so it's best to leave her where she is at, where you can continue to be her loving daughter and advocate and not her overwhelmed and unskilled caregiver.
I HOPE you read the above & got angry with me! Thought NO - That ain't right!
When calm, try to set aside the guilt at Mom living in care & look at the FACTS. Think about what she WANTS vs what she NEEDS.
Is it possible for her to live at home, her home, with help?
Is it practical to live with you? What would the care burden load on you look like?
You're a grownup, and mom doesn't call the shots, especially since she's probably not in her right mind at present. She's your mom and you love her, but you don't have to do what she wants.
Your responsibility is to keep her where she gets what she NEEDS.
You can get the idea, reading this forum, that it’s an impossible feat, yet people (including myself) have been doing it from time immemorial. I’m not saying my own parent will live with me forever, but right now, in the midst of her moderate dementia, I have no regrets. When she’s in a facility, I’m spending so much time there, that this is actually easier. It’s not the life I dreamt of, but watching my mother lose her mind never was my dream.
You know, Mom can't come to live with you. So you tell her "maybe when the doctor gives the OK". Or "Right now we are remodeling, place is a mess". Or be honest "sorry Mom, I just don't have the extra room and you need more care than I can give".
If not, say:
"I'm sorry, it's simply not possible - doctor's orders."
Repeat as necessary.
Resist the urge to give various reasons.
Your profile says your mother has dementia. That means her reasoner is broken, so trying to reason with her will just lead to anger and frustration for both of you.
She is in skilled care because it wasn't. So don't start entertaining the thought of taking her out of care and moving her in with you. Be honest with yourself. If you could take care of her in your home she'd already be there. You cannot so you did the right thing and put her into LTC.
I would never give someone a moment of judgment for having to place a LO in care. You do what needs to be done for their own good.
You “recently lost your father”, so both you and M are dealing with a lot of changes. If F was with her, she is lonely now, would love to be with you - or with Dad. She wants to go back in time. Perhaps that's how you feel too. Give yourselves both time to adjust, and tell her that the NH and the doctors are working to get her well enough to try going home.
My friend had a wonderful neighbor that took care of her little dog and home while she was sick! She was also the one that insisted the police needed to break in her home because she could hear the dog barking! They got annoyed and did break in and my friend was in the basement with her little dog laying on her! She never came back from a stroke and her cousins said when they told her mother, she asked "Is that the girl that gave me my bath at her home?" Her cousin, the priest gave a lovely sermon about living with a lifetime of hatred and how it destroys everyone around you too! My friend was 53! Her father died 10 years before and when he died her mother was shattered! As my friend would say "she couldn't like him when he was alive, but she missed him when he was dead?"
Take her out for the day if you can! Even if only outside! I used to take my friend outside each day even in the cold in her wheelchair and we would go around and she felt the fresh air and since her eyesight was gone I would describe what was going on to her! She was transferred several hours away and her sister said she asked for me everyday! I did see her several times and her sister asked me to come tell her it was time to go with her children! I was with her for several hours! I talked to her and the nurses said her vitals were for settling down and she wasn't fighting it! She passed the next day in her hometown with her sister and brother there! She was a woman that had a rough shell but a lot of warmth inside! She asked me to be her guardian angel and I will always have her in my heart! Whatever you do will make a difference! Take her favorite food and eat outside on a nice day! Any change will make a difference! I had a social worker ask me why she was so depressed? I said she lived in a beautiful home that she owned and is in half a room, blind and knows she is never going home? She said Wow! I guess your right!