My mom suffers from Alzheimer’s. She is turning 90 and I’m not sure how to celebrate her birthday. Any suggestions?

If your mother doesn't like many people around, why not just have you and your sister, with her favorite meal or cake. If other family members want they could send cards or gifts for her to open. Or, have them call in their birthday wishes or faceTime them. If you're able, you might make a photo album with lots of photographs from the past. Is she still able to recognize family members? A lot would depend on how much she is able to recognize. With my LO, birthdays were not something she could comprehend. It meant nothing to her, but, she like that we showed up with balloons, festive spirit, ice cream and cake!

Good advice from Sunny Girl.  My Mom dosn't even know that it is her B-Day anymore.  And she never believed me when I would tell her how old she was.  I think like a lot of us we never really feel our age!  LOL  Just make her feel really special and compliment her a lot!

Ask her--perhaps she would have a choice--or is that asking too much?

We've quit trying to mark anniversaries and b-days for mother. We plan them and she inevitably 'gets sick' the day before the event. And we've put money down on food or a venue....I am still a little steamed I put $1000 down on a beachfront property for mother's 85th birthday and she pulled out 3 weeks before--but I couldn't get even a partial refund.

Sis tried to get us together on mother's 88th b-day and same thing happened, but she hadn't DONE anything to prep--it was to be at her cabin.

Much as mother SAYS she wants to see the family she really wants to see about 10 out of the group of 70 that comprises "our family". I guess the favored 10 could go to lunch with her. (I wouldn't be invited).

If your mother would enjoy this kind of thing and wouldn't be too tired out or upset unduly by the fuss, and you'd enjoy doing it, then go ahead.

Make is very simple and as short as you can. When mother does show up for something, she stays 20-30 minutes and wants to go home.

My mom is also turning 90. (She said yesterday that she is 47. She said this while looking at me, who she knows is her 70 year old daughter). I am going to bring her from assisted living to my house and make her a nice simple meal, give her presents, let the rest of the family know we are here, and if they want to come, fine. Most won't, so I know she will not be overwhelmed with too much company. I'm sure there will also be a celebration of sorts for her at the assisted living house. She'll be pleased with all this, but will pretend she hates the attention. I will notice the little smile and brightness in her eyes though.

Her sister who lives in another state asked if she should send a card or call. Okay, she asked, so I gave her more suggestions: send a card because my mom no longer knows how to answer her phone, and include a letter about how everyone is and photos that I can talk about with her, especially photos of my cousin's dogs - my cousin lives with my aunt and uncle and always has beautiful dogs. My mom loves dogs and she remembers my cousin when I tell her about the dogs. I really enjoy when memories float back. It may seem to my aunt a lot to ask for, but I've decided that when someone actually steps up enough to enquire about my mom, I'm going to give them a suggestion on how they might help in the smallest way I can think of. Maybe, probably not, but maybe they'll do it and more.

Short answer:. It doesn't matter she won't remember anyway 😉 lol. Just s little attempt at humor. Maybe to soon? If your mom gets nervous with too many people around then the best birthday you could give her would be a very small one. And don't try to put 90 candles on the cake. I learned that the hard way.

A slightly different approach would be to make it spectacular but short. We did a 'party' when MIL turned 90. Candles on the table, balloons tied to the chairs, funny hats on everyone. I think we managed sparklers! MIL was brought into the room when it was all happening, and cried with happiness. She said ‘No-one has ever done anything like this for me before’. Everyone sang ‘happy birthday’, lined up to kiss her and then almost everyone left. The exciting bit lasted less than 10 minutes. Photos to remind her. The next bit was very quiet and low key, mostly three of us saying the names of everyone who turned up. It was a Saturday evening, all the younger people were on their way to something else. They were happy to put in a short stint, and in fact helped to get everything in place.

I think the relay idea is best. Get together a list of the people she would like to see, and give them time slots, not too many at once and not too close together.

Have any of the absentees made enquiries about what's happening on their mother's/grandmother's big birthday? I'm wondering if you're safe to assume that they will get their finger out for the occasion, or not so much.

Then cake, balloons, flowers, Champagne if she likes it, you and your sister put on your Sunday best clothes, display her cards nicely, play her all-time favourite music, and away you go. May she have the loveliest day!

[As far as possible don't create extra work for your sister; it would be nice if all she had to do all day was sit by your mother and share. If you can corral willing grandchildren into catering and cleaning up in the background - using your best kind-but-firm aunt technique - so much the better.]

I think the relay would be too much. People with Dementia tire out easily. Mom was always ready to leave a place after an hour.

I think a nice party with just you and sister would be enough. Maybe with ur kids attending. Her favorite meal with a cake for dessert. Could have birthday plates and tablecloth.

I would contact everyone by email or a note. Explaining that Moms ALZ has approached the stage where a big party would be too overwhelming for her. That you plan on a small one in her home. That you realize that all can't make it but she can enjoy cards, flowers, a phone call, etc. Even a picture of their families together so she has something to look at daily. You may be surprised, some may want to be there. Keep her in her comfort zone.

My dad turned 93 last year shortly after going into SNF.

Not terribly clever, but we arranged with the SNF to reserve a sort of party room at the facility, invited his siblings, nephews, other close friends, bought a cake all tht.

I know you said your mom gets nervous with many visitors, but perhaps a few close ones?

While my dad was losing it by then, we wheeled him in and he loved it . You could tell he suddenly came to and recognized people and when they were swapping old stories from the past he didn't necessarily join in but you could tell he was following the conversation and knew what they were talking about (kind of a side, but some of the stories were how hobos wandered by their farm during the depression and my grandma would feed them, and the kids had funny names for all the hobos and how they had favorites)

We sang Happy Birthday and my dad joined in happily, not totally realizing it was him we were singing to. He had a great time, and he died less then two months later, so happier memories on his last birthday.

You should take her out to eat and go shopping

I say, keep it about her. My Mom has Alzheimer's also, just turned 87 and was sick that day, throwing up, etc, She didn't even know it was her birthday. It's not about 'us' anymore. It's about them. So, whatever will make her happy? Then do that. Maybe keep it simple? Whatever is best for her.

Have just a FEW in and make her favorite Meal Deal....YOU being there will make all of the Difference.

Whatever you do, I am sure it will be special Celebrating her...I wish i could have celebrated my father's 80th Birthday...A few close friends, family a niece/nephew..etc...candles, old photos, her favorite food...etc. I am sure will make her day.

I can’t seem to get anything right- if you know what I mean.
I used Edible Arrangements.
Different sizes depending on your budget.
I selected a medium size fresh fruit arrangement.
Its been months since the birthday and it was appreciated by all.
(Mother in assisted living. The group including staff and guests and residents all enjoyed fresh fruit for days.

She may have dementia and not Alzheimer's since with Alzheimer's she will have no clue of a birthday, and won't even be able to swallow her cake.

I’m in similar situation. Mom turning 90 soon. It seems obvious after reading the suggestions here that there is no right or wrong answer. (I’ve learned that many times on this site.) I suggest you and your sister honor your mother that day in a way that will make YOU happy. I plan to invite family for cake at the AssistedLiving and suggest everyone slip out before supper. (Goodbyes are hard on my mom.) I plan a lunch next day at her old favorite restaurant. If she doesn’t feel up to it, I will go and celebrate with the family without her. I am asking everyone to wear name tags. In the invitation, I am including her phone number, best times to call, suggestions for short conversation where caller’s name repeated every minute, etc... Please enjoy this precious memory of you mom’s 90th birthday!

The answer is certainly not to do anything that adds to frustration. The birthday is about her, what is good for her. And the sad truth is that having a day like any other is perhaps the best answer. Anything else would be upsetting for her and add to your tasks. Perhaps a beautiful cake you two make together, talking about her birthday, her life, birthdays she might remember. Remember, it isn't about that extended family that doesn't honestly care all that much--it's about her. Her birthday. Cards to go through may be as much as she wants out of the extended family. They are living their lives. She is in a different place than they are; they will get there, too. It is a life passage thing to my mind

For us, it depended on mother's health and also who was interested in coming.

When Mother (vascular dementia) was in an ALF and more able, we invited family (about 14 people) for her 104th and had snacks, coffee and juice, and an ice cream cake. She recognised everyone and enjoyed it and the bake, though wasn't able to interact. The next year there were only 3 people there, she was more tired, and we just got her an ice cream sundae. For her last birthday, 106th, her dementia was more advanced, she was not happy much of the day, only my sis and I and our partners were there and she had ice cream. Each time we gave her flowers as well. I don't know that the last two years she knew it was her birthday, but it was special for her having close family there and having a treat..

My suggestion would be to have a few people and serve something simple that your mother likes and can manage, give her flowers (if she likes them). It is not about the guests, it is about making your mother feel special.

If you can get others to put it on, so your sister gets a break and a little fun that would be an awesome gift for both of them.

I love the outdoors, so I automatically think of the park. People can bring different dishes for a potluck, tables can be decorated with birthday fair and you can set up a shade screen off to the side with a good view of it all so that mom can be queen for a day and people can come over in 1s and 2s to wish her well and happy birthday. Maybe someone has a cot that could be borrowed and you can make it nice and comfy if she feels like a nap, alligator clips and sheets can be attached to the shade to create privacy. Maybe some silly games, like balloon pass can be played so she can enjoy watching others having enjoyment.

Sounds like a lot, but 3 people dedicated to pulling it off would be good, more is better but it can be simple with grilled hotdogs, potato salad, chips, drinks, cake and ice cream. Paper plates, dollar store decorations and balloons.

Picnic parties are probably something she participated in as a child.

🎉🎊🎂Happy 90th Birthday to your mom!🎊🎉🥂

Kudos to your sister and you for caring enough to make this special day memorable.

A slightly different take on this. Mum has ALZ and would not remember and would not enjoy a big gathering. However; my siblings live all over the country and we rarely see each other, never all at the same time. My suggestion was to have a party weekend to celebrate Mum's birthday but actually not invite her. We could have a grand reunion for a couple of days, visit Mum in singles and pairs and all would be happy. Turns out my siblings frowned on the idea of a party without Mum so I organized a luncheon at the Nursing Home, pictures were taken, Mum was 'shattered' and we still had the reunion for the rest of the weekend.

Collect And play her favorite old songs as Alzheimer's patients often remember a music and it stimulates their memories. Ring out photo albums. Make her a memory quilt with photos they're very inexpensive. Have a poster with a photo of her signed by your all your family members and her friends If there are enough still alive or something to that effect. If it shows her how much she is loved and how much her life meant. Create videos of people recalling their favorite experience with her. He sure they introduce themselves and show a photo of themselves with her or Of themselves when they were younger. Good luck and keep us posted.

I think you could make a beautiful birthday cake and call it a BIRTH DAY. Not too much to cause anxiety.

My mom's first cousin wanted for her for her 90th that in lieu of a big party that everyone drop in on her so that she could have 1 on 1 time with us all - FYI she was 1 of 24 first cousins so there were a lot of us with several generations - she was so happy with us doing that so try that as it will be the best for HER & that's what is important - maybe get a book for all to sign like at a wedding as a momento

When my mother turned 80, we rented a small bus/limo and invited a handful of her closest family.  We then went on a tour around town and drove by places such as her high school, her church, a restaurant and a bar that my parents used to frequent, her home when she was a child, her and my father's first home.  At each place, we took pictures, and later turned that into a Shutter Fly book.  It really turned out nice and the picture book is such a great resource when going down memory lane with her. For those that couldn't make it, they can purchase the book for their memories.

If they seldom come anyway, why not find out who is even interested in participating. Your sister already manages the day to day, so she should not be burdened by additional work to throw a party. Since you have the concerns, I would assume you would participate. So really that leaves 4 siblings and, perhaps, some of their children. Send those 4 an email reminding them of mom's birthday and her health just doesn't allow a big night out because she gets too anxious around too many people at one time. Ask if they would be interested in selecting a night in X-month for their own family to bring a meal in and visit with mom for her birthday. Tell them to get together and set 4 dates during the month when they could do this and you'll know you won't have to cook on those days/nights. If there are grown grands that want their own night, they can set additional dinner dates with g'ma.

If your caretaker sister is not available on one of the selected days, you go over there and help with the sibling visitation. Like I said, caretaker sister should not have ANYthing added to her plate. In fact, if any of the siblings ask what to get your mom as a gift - maybe hire someone to come to the house to do her hair and/or nails. They could also consider doing something nice for caretaker sister - commit to stay a weekend so sister can go somewhere (and they pay for the trip), pay for sister to do hair/nails, something to show their appreciation for the difficult 24/7 job she does for all of them.

The dust catcher gifts are not needed and really have little meaning to folks as they age. A family picture so she can remember faces is nice. Clothing that others buy is often not something she would wear - give sister the money to go buy what she already knows will work. (It's very aggravating when people grab stuff off the rack and I end up having to run all over the place...using what little personal time I get...to exchange items).

If no one is interested, don't get in to the drama with them - everyone is busy, but we all manage to set dr appointments/dates when we need them. These children of hers can, too. If they choose not to participate, so be it. You tried. Have a small celebration, ask a neighbor she remembers, and just move on. You cannot make all siblings get involved. Don't frustrate yourself.

There are several good ideas here. Most of your plan is going to depend on if your mom likes to leave the house (like the drive mentioned below) or having a picnic, or if you really need to stay in the home where she lives. -Hope you figure something out and that she has a happy day!

Mom's birthday falls on a holiday weekend and family wasn't interested in coming to a party so I celebrated her 95th at her facility in the private dining room - her caregivers doted on her - my friend picked up bar-b-q takeout and I ordered a big cake - despite being immobile, she tried to blow out the candles, and I think she enjoyed herself as best she could

About a month ahead of time, I wrote our local representative who sent a beautiful color congressional certificate in honor of her 95th birthday