I have a full time job and things are progressing rapidly and I don't know what to do. She is confused, seems to be manic several times a week now. Some hallucinations. But refuses to take medication. She lives alone. I don't know what to do.
Sorry to hear, but I was in the same boat with my dad in 2019 (Dementia). He lives alone in a senior apartment building, would not take meds on time, and often talked of wandering episodes. I am an only child who lives about 45 minutes away so I was frightened for him.
I mentioned this to a co-worker who gave me the best advice ever to install some small cameras in his apartment. I installed five of the $25 Wyze cams and once I did, it instantly gave me peace of mind. I am now able to monitor my dad via the app on my phone 24/7/365. I was able to check and see that he was making up the wandering episodes. I asked his doctor for a stronger med and that helped a lot.
The next gadget I bought was an automatic pill dispenser called the Hero. This device is a lifesaver and I am able to add his meds to it and set a time to dispense each one. Now with the cameras, I can log in and make sure that he takes his meds. This also gives me peace of mind and I can now actually relax.
I also got a Durable Power Of Attorney, a Living Will, and an Advance Directive. A family member also bought him an Alexa and now we can video chat with Dad.
The next step was to apply to get him some in-person home help. I did this via the In-Home Supportive Services (IHSS) Program. You will need to apply within your county. He had a social worker approve 120 hours per month. This has been a godsend and I hope these suggestions help as they did for me. It took a bit of work, but I am in a much better place now mentally.
Cameras are certainly helpful, but only to a certain extent. They won't hurt, for sure, but they won't stop him from wandering (good that they showed you he wasn't.) If he did wander off, you are 45 m away - you could contact the PD, but do you watch every minute of the day? How long might he be gone before you noticed and in which direction did he go so they know where to search?
As for the pills, you can see that he took them out of the dispenser, but do you actually watch him take them? Someone else talked about a LO who took the pills from the dispenser, but threw them away, wrapped them up and hid them, etc., anything but take them! If they don't take it while you're watching, you just don't know. We set up some cameras. They weren't everywhere, but it helped a bit. We also set up a pill dispenser, but sometimes she wouldn't see the flashing or hear the alert and would miss them. I hired aides 1hr/day to check on her and see that she took her meds, but no guarantees! If she took them while they watched, success. If they were already gone before the aide arrived, who knows. That didn't last long, when she refused to let them in. I was 1.5 hours away, so no way could I check on her daily. I even had to resort to asking her neighbor to go over and once the PD when she didn't answer the phone for 2+ days! PD officer figured it out - mom managed to turn the ringer off.
Sometimes they even thwart what you do set up. YB installed a flashing light for the phone/doorbell. She had hearing loss and would also forget to replace the battery, so this would help her "hear" the phone or doorbell. She dismantled it. She lost or misplaced the hand-held phones. She'd put away supplies I brought and would forget she had them and would ask for more.
When they reach this point, cameras and other devices can only bandaid the issues. They either need oversight (aides) or to be in a secure place.
It’s now unsafe for your mother to be on her own. Wandering can turn into a tragedy all too easily. She could do any number of things while a hallucination is going on. She needs either full time caregivers in her home or to live in a safe place such as memory care. Start by working with her doctor and local Area Agency on Aging to find a safe plan for her care
It's definitely time for mom to have a thorough examination by her Dr. It can be a variety of things that she has going on, and always best to know exactly what you're dealing with. You are either going to have to then use your mom's money(not yours) to pay for fulltime help to come in and assist her, or get her placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care that she needs. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all this now, but you must do whatever it takes to keep your mom safe. Best wishes.
Get the doctor on board-- make you the POA-- give you the power to put MOM in an assisted living facility. There they will powder the meds and put it in pudding-- find a ALF by going there at lunch time-- best way to find one by how good the food is-- pick 3-- visit all three-- in the mean time hire a visiting CNA and tell Mom she will only be there temporarily. Then tell Mom you have got a free week for her at a local seniors only hotel with great food and entertainment...( see the facilities entertainment director--) Get the doc to advocate for taking away Mom's driver's license-- take her check book-- put yourself on the bank account and see about eventually selling her home-- .... be strong and get used to not telling her everything or you will not be a good POA. Never let the courts appoint a POA-- they are thieves-- most of them. Really what reason do they have to take good care of your Mom?
My father is having trouble taking his pills. I’m working with his doctor to find out what we do now. I’m guessing he either needs a caregiver or time for placement in a home unfortunately, as I have health problems and can’t be there for him full time. My sister is not wanting him to go to a home but she’s not willing to take him either.
RE the pills - talk with the pharmacist too. Some pills cannot be crushed. Some medications can be made into a compound, so they are liquid. When mom had her first stroke last year, she was having trouble swallowing her BP meds. The pharmacist said we could open the capsule and put it in something like pudding or ice cream, but if she managed to chew any of the crystals, they wouldn't be effective (time release.) I figured getting some in her was better than none!
Sister wants her cake and eat it too? No go to home, but No he can't come here... So YOU look very tempting to her! Maybe check out some places and show her the nice ones you find. They aren't all like the NHs of old. Mom's place was VERY nice. If she has no other solution, then she's out of the picture or she's the problem!
If she is a threat to herself, please call authorities to have her involuntarily admitted to a hospital, She can be evaluated, diagnosed and treated. That should get her into a better position to be managed outside of a hospital.
Be prepared to hear that she may need full time 24/7/365 care. Praying that she can be well cared for with the least restrictions to her freedom of choice.
While you are working out the details, keep this in the back of your mind: if your Mother has to go to the hospital or ER for any reason -
1. Make sure you are listed as her emergency contact.
2. Keep repeating that she is not safe at home and it would be an unsafe discharge- Unsafe Discharge are the two magic words. That transfers the burden to them to make sure she has a safe place to stay (not home).
I think you answered your own question. Dementia, manic, medications, lives alone. I see either a caretaker who tends to her or she must be placed. You work full time and can't handle this. Please start checking options - it will only get worse.
It's never, ever safe for an elder with dementia to be living alone. Ever. Not even with cameras and pill dispensers & other gadgets. She needs to either be placed in Assisted Living/Memory Care or you need to hire in home caregivers at HER expense to come in and care for her. You should not be paying for your mother's care in any way; if there is a home to sell to finance placement, you can get POA and oversee it. Having hallucinations and manic behavior does not lend itself to living alone, nor does wandering. She is very unsafe and will continue to be very unsafe until & unless action is taken to have her placed in managed care or caregivers sent into her home, and this is once she's gone to the doctor for a full work up and diagnosis.
I know from where I speak. I was a caregiver to an elderly couple who's daughter insisted on keeping them at home with dementia, and hiring me for a few nights a week, for 4 hours at a pop, to cook for them and clean a bit. Jim was prone to wandering, but his daughter didn't think it was a big deal. One night, Jim wandered outside at 3 am, fell in the street, and suffered a subdural hematoma on his skull. He laid in the street for a few hours until someone found him, called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital. He couldn't be saved, and passed away the next day.
Wandering IS a big deal. Even if you see her leaving the house on a camera you install, what will you DO about it?
Please hire full time help or get your mom placed where she can get care 24/7. Good luck!
As several noted, start with a good checkup, hopefully ASAP, including urine culture and blood work. UTIs can cause dementia-like symptoms. Imbalances in the blood can wreak havoc too. Give the doc office a head's up regarding your observations and concerns before the appointment. Written down and mailed, emailed or hand-delivered is best. Too much can get lost in describing it verbally.
While awaiting appointment and Dx, ensure she is NOT alone. She needs someone there 24/7, whether it is hired help or family members. She should NOT be alone.
IF you can find a facility that does respite care, try to get her in there as soon as possible, while waiting for the results of testing. IF it's a UTI or blood issue, treatment should return her to her old "normal." If not, then you need to seek out permanent placement.
If you don't have any POAs in place yet, you may have missed that window. A good EC atty can take her aside and query her, to determine if she is capable, but I wouldn't hold my breath! If she has assets, including a house, you will likely have to get guardianship. NOTE: POAs do NOT give you power to move anyone against their will. IF you have to go guardianship, that does. If you have POA, you can't force her to move, but with dementia you can finagle a way to make it her idea using fibs. If you need ideas when the time comes, there are many of us that had to do this, post another question or send private message.
You CAN get control of her SS funds by applying with SS to be Rep Payee. It doesn't cost anything - you make appt (call a local office, not the 800 #) and answer the questions. You DON'T have to take your mother there. She will get notice in the mail, but if she's in a safe place or has "watchers", they can snag it, to avoid problems. My mother was already in MC by then, so staff gave me any mail that didn't appear to be a personal card or letter. In a short while you will get notice whether they approve or not. It was one of the easiest things I had to do! Even the yearly reporting isn't that bad, just keep good records (guardianship record keeping is probably much worse - never had to go that route!) The worst for me was having to open a special account for this, but mostly because the person didn't know how to do it. The first Rep payment comes as a check. Once the account is set up, call that local office and request electronic deposit.
So, start with ensuring her safety NOW and setting up an appt with her doc.
Begin looking into MC facilities. If treatment takes care of the issue(s), you may not need a place yet, but at least you will have that already worked out for later!
Learn all you can about dementia, the types, what you might expect for symptoms and behaviors, what you can do to avoid conflicts and issues, how to redirect/refocus. Not all experience the same symptoms or behaviors. Not all follow the same order or intensity. Each person's journey is unique for that person. Yes, they can share symptoms, but personality plays into it all as well as what part(s) of the brain is impacted and what the underlying cause is, if they can even determine that!
If she can afford a facility, it will allow you to continue working and will take the load of care-giving out of your hands. It allows you to be a loving child who watches over mom and advocates for her. It allows you to visit instead of doing all the chores needed and therefore allows you to perhaps share some good times on this sad journey. There will be good times, but some not so good times. Relish the good ones and try to overlook the rest!
(Note: The cost of the EC atty and facility should come from mom's funds. Guardianship, the atty and MC facilities are not cheap. While waiting for it all to work out and you sell her house, you may have to front the money for some of these expenses. Keep good records and you should be allowed to recoup what you had to pay out when the house is sold, assuming she owns her home.)
I mentioned this to a co-worker who gave me the best advice ever to install some small cameras in his apartment. I installed five of the $25 Wyze cams and once I did, it instantly gave me peace of mind. I am now able to monitor my dad via the app on my phone 24/7/365. I was able to check and see that he was making up the wandering episodes. I asked his doctor for a stronger med and that helped a lot.
The next gadget I bought was an automatic pill dispenser called the Hero. This device is a lifesaver and I am able to add his meds to it and set a time to dispense each one. Now with the cameras, I can log in and make sure that he takes his meds. This also gives me peace of mind and I can now actually relax.
I also got a Durable Power Of Attorney, a Living Will, and an Advance Directive. A family member also bought him an Alexa and now we can video chat with Dad.
The next step was to apply to get him some in-person home help. I did this via the In-Home Supportive Services (IHSS) Program. You will need to apply within your county. He had a social worker approve 120 hours per month. This has been a godsend and I hope these suggestions help as they did for me. It took a bit of work, but I am in a much better place now mentally.
Good Luck
As for the pills, you can see that he took them out of the dispenser, but do you actually watch him take them? Someone else talked about a LO who took the pills from the dispenser, but threw them away, wrapped them up and hid them, etc., anything but take them! If they don't take it while you're watching, you just don't know. We set up some cameras. They weren't everywhere, but it helped a bit. We also set up a pill dispenser, but sometimes she wouldn't see the flashing or hear the alert and would miss them. I hired aides 1hr/day to check on her and see that she took her meds, but no guarantees! If she took them while they watched, success. If they were already gone before the aide arrived, who knows. That didn't last long, when she refused to let them in. I was 1.5 hours away, so no way could I check on her daily. I even had to resort to asking her neighbor to go over and once the PD when she didn't answer the phone for 2+ days! PD officer figured it out - mom managed to turn the ringer off.
Sometimes they even thwart what you do set up. YB installed a flashing light for the phone/doorbell. She had hearing loss and would also forget to replace the battery, so this would help her "hear" the phone or doorbell. She dismantled it. She lost or misplaced the hand-held phones. She'd put away supplies I brought and would forget she had them and would ask for more.
When they reach this point, cameras and other devices can only bandaid the issues. They either need oversight (aides) or to be in a secure place.
You are either going to have to then use your mom's money(not yours) to pay for fulltime help to come in and assist her, or get her placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care that she needs.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all this now, but you must do whatever it takes to keep your mom safe. Best wishes.
Get the doc to advocate for taking away Mom's driver's license-- take her check book-- put yourself on the bank account and see about eventually selling her home-- .... be strong and get used to not telling her everything or you will not be a good POA. Never let the courts appoint a POA-- they are thieves-- most of them. Really what reason do they have to take good care of your Mom?
Sister wants her cake and eat it too? No go to home, but No he can't come here... So YOU look very tempting to her! Maybe check out some places and show her the nice ones you find. They aren't all like the NHs of old. Mom's place was VERY nice. If she has no other solution, then she's out of the picture or she's the problem!
Be prepared to hear that she may need full time 24/7/365 care. Praying that she can be well cared for with the least restrictions to her freedom of choice.
1. Make sure you are listed as her emergency contact.
2. Keep repeating that she is not safe at home and it would be an unsafe discharge- Unsafe Discharge are the two magic words. That transfers the burden to them to make sure she has a safe place to stay (not home).
Best of luck dear.
I know from where I speak. I was a caregiver to an elderly couple who's daughter insisted on keeping them at home with dementia, and hiring me for a few nights a week, for 4 hours at a pop, to cook for them and clean a bit. Jim was prone to wandering, but his daughter didn't think it was a big deal. One night, Jim wandered outside at 3 am, fell in the street, and suffered a subdural hematoma on his skull. He laid in the street for a few hours until someone found him, called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital. He couldn't be saved, and passed away the next day.
Wandering IS a big deal. Even if you see her leaving the house on a camera you install, what will you DO about it?
Please hire full time help or get your mom placed where she can get care 24/7. Good luck!
My neighbour too. Wandered onto main road & hit by car. #Hip & head injuries caused demise.
Local retired Lawyer. Delusional. Found hiding under his car in garage. Injuries & dehydrated caused demise.
While awaiting appointment and Dx, ensure she is NOT alone. She needs someone there 24/7, whether it is hired help or family members. She should NOT be alone.
IF you can find a facility that does respite care, try to get her in there as soon as possible, while waiting for the results of testing. IF it's a UTI or blood issue, treatment should return her to her old "normal." If not, then you need to seek out permanent placement.
If you don't have any POAs in place yet, you may have missed that window. A good EC atty can take her aside and query her, to determine if she is capable, but I wouldn't hold my breath! If she has assets, including a house, you will likely have to get guardianship. NOTE: POAs do NOT give you power to move anyone against their will. IF you have to go guardianship, that does. If you have POA, you can't force her to move, but with dementia you can finagle a way to make it her idea using fibs. If you need ideas when the time comes, there are many of us that had to do this, post another question or send private message.
You CAN get control of her SS funds by applying with SS to be Rep Payee. It doesn't cost anything - you make appt (call a local office, not the 800 #) and answer the questions. You DON'T have to take your mother there. She will get notice in the mail, but if she's in a safe place or has "watchers", they can snag it, to avoid problems. My mother was already in MC by then, so staff gave me any mail that didn't appear to be a personal card or letter. In a short while you will get notice whether they approve or not. It was one of the easiest things I had to do! Even the yearly reporting isn't that bad, just keep good records (guardianship record keeping is probably much worse - never had to go that route!) The worst for me was having to open a special account for this, but mostly because the person didn't know how to do it. The first Rep payment comes as a check. Once the account is set up, call that local office and request electronic deposit.
So, start with ensuring her safety NOW and setting up an appt with her doc.
Begin looking into MC facilities. If treatment takes care of the issue(s), you may not need a place yet, but at least you will have that already worked out for later!
Learn all you can about dementia, the types, what you might expect for symptoms and behaviors, what you can do to avoid conflicts and issues, how to redirect/refocus. Not all experience the same symptoms or behaviors. Not all follow the same order or intensity. Each person's journey is unique for that person. Yes, they can share symptoms, but personality plays into it all as well as what part(s) of the brain is impacted and what the underlying cause is, if they can even determine that!
If she can afford a facility, it will allow you to continue working and will take the load of care-giving out of your hands. It allows you to be a loving child who watches over mom and advocates for her. It allows you to visit instead of doing all the chores needed and therefore allows you to perhaps share some good times on this sad journey. There will be good times, but some not so good times. Relish the good ones and try to overlook the rest!
(Note: The cost of the EC atty and facility should come from mom's funds. Guardianship, the atty and MC facilities are not cheap. While waiting for it all to work out and you sell her house, you may have to front the money for some of these expenses. Keep good records and you should be allowed to recoup what you had to pay out when the house is sold, assuming she owns her home.)
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