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I'm 41 and my mom is 64. She lives on the west coast and I live in the south. She has type 2 diabetes and seeping wounds on her legs. She just left a nursing home in April. She had sepsis. She told me they treated her so badly while she was in the hospital and there. She calls 911 frequently because she lives by herself. She has no in home support worker. She keeps finding bad ones or firing good ones. She lives in a downtown area where there's no parking. My only sister was her helper some time ago in 2020 but they can't get along and my sister quit on her. They live in the same apartment building but she has nothing to do with my mom. My 56 year old aunt lives in the same building as well but has her own health problems. She helps when she can. My husband and I moved for personal reasons but even when I was there, I couldn't help her, as I worked full time. I want to move her here but her health is so bad that traveling may not be a good option at the moment. I'm afraid she'll hurt herself being all alone. She's fallen off her bed, she is incontinent and in a really bad shape. She's 5 feet tall and 190 so obese. I also have health problems but I'm the only one who really can help her. No one else wants to or can't. Where I'm living there seems the only option is for Medicaid or private pay and I don't have that kind of money. Please if anyone knows anything, please help me.

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Contact Adult Protective Services where she is and report her as a vulnerable adult.

I can't fathom how someone can be so sickly at only 64. She's only three years older than I am. What a waste. ☹️
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JoAnn29 Sep 2022
She is not taking care of herself. I am 5ft and can't imagine being 190#s. No wonder she is having trouble with her legs. Too much weight on them.
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Please try to let go of the idea that you're the only one who can help her. It sounds like lots of people have tried to help her and she doesn't want help. Moving her near to you won't make her into a new person who wants to get better and wants to have help. You can't change her, the only person you can care for properly is yourself, so do that.

Calling APS isn't a bad suggestion I'd look into it. You may be playing the same waiting game a lot of us are, waiting for your person to be hospitalized so you can tell the hospital she's not safe at home. It's crappy but you really can't fix other people who have no desire to change.
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I agree with contacting APS and reporting her.

Please come to terms with the fact that she doesn't want help from anyone...including you. You will exhaust yourself trying to force your solutions onto her. Yes, it seems totally irrational and illogical and unsympathetic to you and your sister. She may have the beginnings of dementia and unless you are her assigned PoA, then reporting her to the county is the best you can do. If she goes to the ER for any reason that would be an opportunity to remove her to another location. Tell the hospital that she is an "unsafe discharge" then ask to speak to the hospital social worker. From there you can hopefully guide her future care. Whatever you do, please do not take her into your home: she is sickly and heavier than even 2 people can safely handle. She will eventually get worse, and then what? It's not a sustainable solution.
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I, like the other posters on here am having a hard time figuring out why your mom at the young age of 64 requires so much help. Yes she has diabetes and some sores on her legs but millions of people have diabetes and are more than capable of taking care of themselves. And millions of people are also obese and still take care of themselves.
And why is mom incontinent at her young age? Somethings just aren't adding up to me. You say that she's in "really bad shape," yet from what you described nothing sounds all that bad. I'm 63 years old, live by myself(just the way I like it)and while I have minor aches and pains, nothing and no one is going to stop me from living and enjoying my life. And I'm WAY too young to even think about someone having to look after me.
Perhaps your mom is just seeking attention and is using her supposed health issues to get you and others to feel sorry for herself. I hope I'm wrong about that, but sadly it's not unheard of.
Stay where you are in the south and let mom figure things out on her own where she's at. Bringing her to you will only damage your marriage and suck you down with her. And like others have said you are NOT the only one who can help her, as she and she alone is responsible to help herself.(there's no obvious reason that she can't)
So from afar, encourage her to get the help she needs(that probably means mental help as well)and if needed you can call the local APS office to report her, and they can come and make an assessment of her and her situation. And then let them handle it from there.
Best wishes.
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Your mother's resources and benefits will be used for her care. You are not financially responsible for her care.

If she keeps calling 911, she will be reported to Adult Protective Services as a vulnerable adult; they may be able to help her get assistance.
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Incontinence can be a symptom of alcoholic abuse. Is this why no-one can cope with her? Does anyone see her in the evenings? If it’s all alcohol related, no-one can force her to stop drinking.
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I lost a friend to juvenile diabetes at the age of 63. In her 50s she had a major heart attack. By 60 she lost a leg primarily because of sores that would not heal. They get infected and gangrene sets in. These type of sores need to be taken care of by a wound care doctor or Nurse. Then her kidneys gave out. She could not get regular dialysis because of years of diabetes her veins would collapse. The last ditch effort did not work. Her kidneys gave out and she passed.

Seems Mom is not a happy person and probably does not even know what she wants. I am surprised 911 has not called APS in. You need to. The State can become her guardian. She will do much better in LTC.
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