My mom keeps guilt tripping me on finding her senior living. Keeps telling me she is a throw away. She has always been manipulative. Advice?

I think that even though we are adults there’s still a little kid somewhere inside of all of us, that feels they are being bad and we feel guilty for getting our parents angry and upset with us. Like we need their approval and we need do what they say all the time because they are our parents. Well, we really have to remind ourselves we are not that little kid anymore! We’re not getting grounded for not listening and doing what’s best for them. My mom always pulls the guilt trip on me. Always saying things to make me feel horrible. I know she’s trying to manipulate the little kid that used to be.

I’m the same age range. My heart breaks for you. I get it. My mother’s parents did not cause this type of grief and upset. She’s always lived her life on her terms, but has high expectations of others. I have no advice. Only empathy and understanding.

Your mother sounds exactly like mine. In addition to the guilt-tripping and manipulation, I'll bet there was also gaslighting, devaluing of you, and probably even bullying. All of this is abuse.
The truth is your mother wants to be miserable. It isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong and aren't the reason. If you found her the best and most perfect senior community on earth she would react as if you were dropping her off in the worst, nastiest nursing home or homeless shelter. She probably loves the place and is raving about it to everyone she knows. Except you. She wants to wallow in her own self-pity and misery with you there more than she wants a healthy and happy relationship with you. That's not your fault. I know this is hard to hear, but it's true. It's the truth for many people, myself included. You know what they say.
Misery loves company. It's also an addiction. People can become addicted to their own misery. Well don't give her any. Cut off her supply. I too have heard the pathetic claim of my mother being a 'throw away'. Know what I tell her? I tell her that I've already seen this performance pretty much every day of my life since I was a little kid and I really don't care. Then I walk away. Try it, my friend. You'll see that it works.
I don't know if you've ever seen a Harry Potter movie. If you have you'll be familiar with the dementors of Azkaban prison. They are terrifying creatures that fly around and when they come near people everything turns cold and ices over. Then it feels like all the joy, love, hope, happiness, pleasure...has gone from the world and is replaced with misery, despair, doom, gloom, boredom, and negativity. Our mothers are dementors. They are emotional vampires who suck all the good out of us. The only way they lose their power over us is if we stop letting them be powerful. Ignore her. Pay her no attention when wallowing in self-pity and the complaining start. Let your response be, 'I'm sorry you feel that way' then leave. When she calls you on the phone, if the behavior starts up, end the call. See, I live in the same house with my mother and am her sole caregiver, so it's harder for me to get away from it. I do though. When she starts with the behavior or the instigating of a fight, I tell her straight that nobody cares or wants to hear it. Then I ignore her completely. She will usually stop when she isn't getting any attention. Not always though. Sometimes she'll work herself up into an anxiety attack. When she does this I still ignore her and walk away, but I do give her a round of applause first and compliment her on the performance.
This is how you have to be otherwise the misery and negativity will ruin your life. It all but ruined mine. Not for some time now.
You can end the power that your mother's emotional terrorism and manipulation has on you by ignoring her and giving her no attention when she starts triggering you. Disable your triggers. I was like one of Pavlov's dogs until I learned how to. This works. Please try it.

Manipulation is a for of abuse - guilt tripping is a form of abuse. You have found your mother somewhere safe to live, now move on an get your own health and sanity back. Phone, but tell her you are hanging up and why if she starts complaining - if she still carries on then you should feel free to not be in contact but to tell her she can call you if she has anything to talk about in a adult manner. Good luck - we can only get away from being guilt tripped if we refuse to allow it, or take action to move away from it.

Not sure who wrote it was but I read it here somewhere ... and I am paraphrasing..
Mom can buy the ticket, you do not have to pack your bags and go on the guilt trip.
You are an adult.
You can make your own choices.
I find it horrendous that a parent would put their child through this.
The problem arises if mom can still legally make decisions for herself.
She can refuse to go into AL at that point but YOU do not have to continue to care for her.
If you are living with her you can move out.
If she is living with you can tell her that she has to find other arrangements and then file an eviction (this sounds easy but with COVID it is difficult and will take lots of time)
If she can not care for herself she will have to hire caregivers.
If she refuses to do that and can not care for herself contact APS and report her as a vulnerable Senior.
If at any point she goes into the hospital do not let them release her if her only option is to come home with you. Tell them that you can not care for her and it would be an unsafe discharge.

It always blows my mind to hear that an elder would prefer to live with a daughter or son who they don't get along with, who they have to manipulate and guilt trip in order to continue living with, rather than move into a nice senior living apartment where they can live a relaxed life as they see fit. Without having to guilt trip anyone or manipulate anyone in the process. No fighting, no hair pulling, no hand wringing, nothing.

It always blows my mind, by the same token, to hear of a daughter who says she's depressed and losing her mind but who's still willing to house her mother who's at the root of her misery.

Make a decision. Stand by that decision. Choose to accept the guilt that's being heaped upon you for no good reason or to reject it out of hand because you know you're doing 'nothing wrong' by taking your life back & forcing mother to live her own life independently, as she should have been doing all along.

Remember this: your mother is 74 years old. She can easily live another 20 or more years. My mother is 94.5 and going strong, living in Memory Care Assisted Living and NOT with me, or my life would have been ruined as well. She'll probably live another 5 years, too, the way things are looking.

Time is wasting. Stop allowing anyone to destroy your life for one more moment. Time is precious.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/should-i-feel-guilty-about-moving-my-mother-back-to-her-home-state-with-my-brother-469671.htm?orderby=helpful
You said in your last post that your were sending Mom back to her home State to live with brother? Why hasn't this happened? Do not allow her to guilt you. You two do not get along and the Dementia does not help. Do you have POA? Then place her. If she refuses to go, wait till she is Hospitalized better if in rehab. Have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If they say its needed, refuse to take her home. If she has money, have her transferred to an Assisted Living. No money then apply for Medicaid.

Sorry your mom is being so difficult. I know that I need to have my mom move somewhere soon and fear the guilt as well.

Maybe do some reading on boundaries. I don't know a good way to phrase this but when she starts up on this throw away refrain, have an answer ready for her. A short, calm answer. Do not engage in an argument or trying to convince her of anything. "Mom, I really think this was the best thing for both of us. This is a nice place and you get to be with people, not just home with me." Whatever you come up with, say it every time (then you can be as repetitive and boring as she is being!). Then she will throw more guilt at you. Say something like "OK, mom, since this is all you would like to talk about, I am going to go home now. I will see you tomorrow (or whenever it is you will be back)." And walk away.

Maybe, just maybe, she will learn to leave you alone and talk about something else.

Good luck.

I’d just agree with her. Yes, you are too old, too helpless, too miserable, I don’t want you here anymore, you’re a throwaway. Get her into Senior Living or AL, and then start again once the dummy spit has died down. Reassuring her doesn’t help, just agree with her.

YOU are just as important.

Please do all you can to protect your sanity.

You deserve not to fall apart.