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I have two adult children who believe that she has set up a trust fund for them. So they hover around her like a space ship. Mainly so they can see where
all of her finances are. I am in charge of all of her medical. We split it up this way because my daughter has her degree in Marketing, so she pays all of my Mom,'s bills because she can longer do them. She no longer drives as well. Her memory is in and out. She lives by her calendar. Why she has not walked out the door yet I have no idea. Yet she still maintains that there is nothing wrong with her, except regular aging. I'm an only child and she and I have always had a contentious relationship. She has always pitted the girls against me. She is a borderline personality narcissist and I have always been the target of her behavior. But I have been in therapy for years working through my issues with her. However, now I find myself in a position where although she did not prepare for me to be the one to take care of her, she thought she could buy the girls love but it has not turned out that way. Their thought is, "because she's so mean and nasty with her mouth, we're not helping her out now other than just paying her bills and overseeing her financial accounts. When she can't talk anymore, then we'll help." But I'm a proactive person, and I'd like to get ahead of the game as possible. So I would like all the advice I can get. I also believe that if my Mom gets admitted into a hostial, she won't be coming home again. She'll never pass any test. Her doctor has expressed to me that she would sign papers saying she was mentally incompetent. But I just also think she would never recover from the anesthesia alone.


Thanks.

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May I ask, anesthesia for what? I re-read your post a few times and see no mention of her needing surgery.

It sounds like your mother is controlling everyone’s relationship with everyone else. Your daughters are doing the bare minimum, waiting for a possible inheritance? Also waiting for Grandma to lose it completely so they can put her in a facility?

Since your relationships with your mother and your daughters are so taxing for you, enough to cause you to enter therapy for years, perhaps you should simply resign your Medical POA. Maybe to one of your daughters. Let them handle all of Grandma’s needs. This way they will earn any funds they inherit. You will give up control, but maybe this is not such a bad thing, eh?
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zwgail Feb 2020
Thing is, I know you're right. Problem is, for an only child rejected by their Mom, it's just proving to be the most difficult thing to do, no matter how narcissistic she was. Go figure! I'm going to follow your advice though.

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It’s not possible to get a POA now. Your mothers doctor told you can be declared incompetent. So the POA ship has sailed.
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Bed aide the law is complicated and varies from state to state, you need to consult with an elder law attorney and ask these questions. Most attorneys will give you 30 min of their time for free.
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No, your Mom is incompetent to assign you. Power of attorney is just that. Someone assigned to handle anothers finances/medical when they can't. This means following their wishes not yours.

You could get guardianship but thats expensive. Maybe tell Mom without POA the state can step in and what she wants is out of her hands and yours.

Sounds like ur daughters are more like grandma than u. So sorry.
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zwgail Feb 2020
You're right, I finally realized that they are exactly like her. I just wasn't paying attention until now. Definitely see myself left somwhere in a dirty diaper all day. So I'm just busying making sure these two aren't in charge of my care.

She actually just smirks when I ask about a POA. She has Dementia but I really can't tell the difference sometimes between that & her Narcissim.
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You're right, I finally realized that they are exactly like her. I just wasn't paying attention until now. Definitely see myself left somwhere in a dirty diaper all day. So I'm just busying making sure these two aren't in charge of my care.

She actually just smirks when I ask about a POA. She has Dementia but I really can't tell the difference sometimes between that & her Narcissim.
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