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I live 600 miles away from my parents, but am in constant contact with them and the caregivers. My Dad has stage 5 Parkinsons with advanced dementia. He lives in a 24 hour care facility, where he has thrived for almost 2 years. (He wasn't expected to last 2 months when he got there) It was his wish, when the time came, to be placed in an adult foster home vs memory care or other facility. (He was the director of the local Area Agency on Aging before he was diagnosed 20+ years ago, and knew what was out there) My Mom is his POA with me as an alternate. I'm also her POA. Mom lives 5 minutes from my Dad. She is in a wheelchair in an independent living Sr apartment facility, where they provide transportaion. She has now decided that my Dad needs to be moved closer to her and wants to move him to a memory care facility, despite my objections, which are that it would be against his wishes; that now the caregiver to resident ratio is 2 to 5 and in a memory care it would be 1 to 12, not to mention the care he's getting now is amazing. It's a known fact that Parksinson's patients struggle severely with moves like this. He now needs 24 hour care, which is provided by the foster home, and is paid for by his long term care insurance. His disease has progressed substantially in the last few months (he has started to choke more, etc) If she moved him to Memory Care, she would need to hire a 24 hour care giver and pay for that out of pocket, which she can't afford since the LTC is capped. (I manage her and Dad's finances - she's unable to do that - Dad always did it) She's been doing strange things too like bringing my Dad food he would choke on and trying to get him to eat it (he doesn't have teeth) before the caregiver sees. She thinks she can live with him in a 1 bdrm apartment in Memory Care, and take care of him, despite her having severe health problems herself. Last fall she gave her apt 30 day notice and tried to take my Dad out of state before I was finally able to stop her. (She was going to fly my Dad, who can't walk, and has a 24 hour catheter!) My Dad's Dr thinks he should stay put. When I try to convince her that Dad should stay put, she threatens to turn me into Adult Protective Services and won't speak to me for weeks. I feel like I need to protect my Dad from my Mom. I feel helpless. What can I do to stop her from moving my Dad?

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Is your mom competent? Is it possible her health issues have affected her ability to make good decisions.
Have you considered filing for guardianship of your dad?
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Springchix Mar 25, 2019
Thanks for your help. When I called the elder attorney's office, the paralegal told me she's having very similar issues with her parents. The problem is that since my Mom can function and can pretty much take care of herself, albeit with home health care services, it would be a battle to get guardianship of my Dad. It seems she gets very defiant and has this sort of lack of judgement when she gets a UTI, and I wonder if she has that now. She's 100% incontinent. If I suggest she even get an OTC test for a UTI, she gets EXTREMELY angry with me. The last time she had a UTI was when she tried to take my Dad out of state and gave the 30 day notice. The time before that when she had one, she tried to convince the Drs she needed 24 hour nursing home care. They refused and sent her home.
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Ask your Dad's doctor to talk with her.  Tell him what she want's to do and how concerned you are.  It would be best if he could speak to her in person and maybe you could arrange that, but she NEEDS to hear it from him.  Hugs to you - a very difficult dilemma.
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Reply to dlpandjep
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Springchix Mar 25, 2019
Thanks for you help. I wrote my Dad's Dr a letter and then spoke with him. I took notes because he didn't want to talk to my Mom and get involved with the "family dynamics." I don't blame him. When I called a 2nd time, his office agreed to send a social worker to evaluate the whole situation, hopefully this week. Fingers crossed!
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It might help to contact the MC in question and tell them the situation. You certainly don't want them to be encouraging your mother in this. They may be willing to get in touch with the facility where your father is now, and check out with them what they think is best. The MC place may not be too happy about taking on something that is going to involve them in something controversial between POAs and doctors.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Springchix Mar 25, 2019
Thanks for your help. I might give that another shot. What worries me is that MC facilities sell beds, whereas the place my Dad is has a long waiting list. One of the out of state facilities my Mom tried to take my Dad to misled her into believing she, in her disabled state, could share a 1 bdrm apt with my Dad, providing some of his care, and at a reasonable price. After a bit of pushing, I discovered their idea of "24 hour care" was a reliance on motion detectors! (My Dad can't walk, but his disease makes him constantly jerk and try to get up out of his chair and bed) They then told me she would have to hire a 24/7 caregiver to constantly watch over him, like the care he gets now, but at $10K per month!
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