Usually when she is in respite care, I visit her every day for 1-2 hours. I find this excessive, but it keeps her from being lonely and bored. My mom has a lot of problems with her hands, so its hard for her to use a phone to call people. She can't work a smart phone or even her flip phone without assistance. She doesn't read. She basically just watches TV.
I don't want to visit her this time as much. I need rest. I'm so mentally tired. Right now I'm packing her bag and she's at the hospital (she was in there for a UTI) but she couldn't eat her meal properly and wants me to come out there and get her food together to take it with her to the facility. I don't want to do this either. I called the facility and asked them could they have food ready for her when she gets there.
Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me the truth. I just want to rest. I feel like even trying to rest I have a ton of responsibility.
I need rest, but also would like to catch up on household chores. Get the house all clean, the laundry all done, and do things for myself that I haven't done in a while. I can't do that if I'm worried about her constantly, or if she calls me crying about something or anything like that. I worry that the room is going to be cold and she won't have her nice warm bed. I worry that she's not going to have her own TV, that she'll have to share it. Should I take her TV to the facility? She's only going to be in there a few days, maybe like 4 days?
How do people usually treat respite care? Is it okay to not go out there at all to visit??
I told neighbor it's too big of a communnity for Ma.. Ma has lived by herself for over 30 years,,, REally? she had her own way... she was the only one in her home..
Well... life goes on. some are more screamers than others... My LO's place only 6 people... its a 6 pack, and one is a screamer...When I visit l look in, ,appolgize, but nurse is coming over.. I can't have that... I shut her door... It's okay, if it gets quiet over 5 minutes, someone opens the door to peep in to make sure she is okay.. When I leave, I open the door , thank her, and good night... Yikes... It is a bit, but they cannot help it...It is a nightmare in their brain, and it is REAL.... I hope I am quiet as a mouse like my LO... "heart" she is lovely.
I've had to shorten visits & now reducing. Just can't deal with it :(
I know, I know. It is not for guests.... I am over 40 and I know it... My friend says it: YOU HAVE UNOPENED MAIL.... RECYCLE IT ALREADY!!! No, you don't have to shred.... just put it t the bottom of the cat/dog bag... If anyone wants it let him go through what we do all the time....!!! It's stinky, but go ahead.
These bodies of ours are harder than we can imagine... and imagine what your LO is going through.... "hearts love" Their bodies won't give out, until it is time...For her, for you, for whomever....
I don't thin you hear this one... I slipped over the pool sweep/broom. I had old slippery sandals on, and yes I stepped on this thing, and it swept me right over the pool edge... right leg first, then my head... Ok, I think, I can hold my breath... I did, I relaxed, closed eyes, and let my body follow....
I think to myself, I didn't get a deep enough breath, and went to get one, it my favorite way to relax... sorry,,,,, floating face down, weightless... yes, fat floats so I float too. oops. When I came about... I found myself under the pool cover... over a couple feet from the edge.... Couldn't get up... I was stuck... found my self at the ground and forced my self up, grabbed the swim step, gulped a bit of air, and aimed for the edge. held on an yelled for superwoman.... my nextdoor neighbor Mickie who takes care of 2 of ther great grandkids.... :) Well, by the time she found me, I found a chair to sit in. Must have asked her for 2 hours straight if my hubby was mad.. He wasn't home from work yet... Things happen quickly. she got me dried off, and walked me to her home for a bite to eat... Wonderful woman... superwoman... honestly.... not by this story, just what she does.
Last itme I walked with my friemd K.. she told me she was syphing rainwater from a hose, and a small rock got lodged in throat...She thought she was a gonner... This body can get through lots... She ;managed to get it out somehow... Thank God !!!
So, you an d mom can get through this week... It is a day by day issue you will dp good
Thanks!
I do not think you are being unreasonable.
You said, "If I ignore her, which I'm afraid not visiting is, she will raise hell for days or bring it up out of nowhere. She will throw a fit for HOURS. I have lost sleep before over her fits". If she acts this way again, warn her you aren't putting up with it anymore. Leave the room, the house, whatever until she learns to behave herself. Even if you sit out on the curb. You wouldn't put up with this kind of actions from a 2 year old, don't put up with it from a 82 year old (or however old your mom is).
Perhaps you need to read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud, or get some help from a counselor. When I was in therapy, it took me 3 weeks to just say "no, I won't do that". THREE darn weeks. The second time it was easier.
Hugs on your journey to taking care of yourself.
My daughter had a happy emoji on her hand to cheer her up. I may write NO on my palm, ha ha
Worry is like paying a debt
YOU
don’t owe!
Another one I use when entering my
home (now my sanctuary or sacred space).
“Always leave your worries at the door”.
If you must - 5 minutes or so. Give yourself a very limited time to “worry”. Write them down in a notebook and leave them in a basket at the door. Trust me, you give enough of yourself and your time doing caregiving. The worry part will only harm you.
One more, try a rocking chair! Supposedly you can’t worry while you rock.
I suggest once your mother is in the facility you ask they keep her for at least a week, two would be better. It is called Respite for a reason. Recharging your own batteries with a decent rest .... not spending the entire time playing catch up with chores and visiting her ... is essential for you if you are going to continue caring for your mother at home. Personally, I would be taking the opportunity to arrange for your mother to remain in permanent care. If you are honest with yourself you will see her needs are going to increase and her emotional neediness, which you have obviously been enabling, will eventually strangle you. Rather than visit, make a daily call to the facility to check on her welfare. You do not have to speak to her directly. Lack of contact for only 4 days will not hurt her. If you were unconscious in hospital she would have to rely on staff, so why not now?
You need some down time. She's in a place where she'll be looked after. I never was a liar, but sometimes for survival we have to. So you have a cold or feel like you're coming down with one. And you don't go. And you try very hard to savor and enjoy your well deserved time off. Four days will go in a blink. Try hard not to answer the phone. Tell her your phone died/battery dead/broken wire. Of course let a staff person know in an EMERGENCY they can reach you.
If you can afford it, have someone come in one of the days to clean the house for you.
If you can't stop from worrying, it won't be of much benefit. Yes, if you can, take her own TV so that's another worry you can take off your list.
Do all you possibly can to enjoy every second. With no guilt!
Now I am lucky that mom will typically go out every other Saturday with dad to get her hair washed/blown dry. I call that my "golden hour". Which I am off to deal with right now...I can tidy up a bit, steal her robe to launder that she lives in...it's the only time I have aside from the wee hours of the night.
I have had my mom in respite care three or so times over the last four years. She is in hospice care now and the hospice company nurse told me that they have families that request respite care once a month so don’t even think about feeling bad!!!!
Remember, and I know it’s a hard concept for us at times, but you have to take care of yourself to be good at taking care of others.
If you don’t go to the facility for a visit, it’s perfectly OK - don’t beat yourself up - it’s for four days after all - perhaps explain to your mother that you will be busy tending to things that need tending that way she won’t expect you.
With regards to a TV, you can request a visit prior to her stay to scope out the room.
In the end, remember you’ll be fine and so will your mom!!!
Enjoy your time, you deserve it!!!!!
Is it time to make this her new home?
When you are resting up, if she gets someone else to dial your number for her, let it go to voicemail.
We must take care of ourselves FIRST and that includes you.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
If she can be there for 4 days leave her there for 4 days she will be fine.
Make sure that the facility has your number. if she calls you let the call go to voicemail. (if she has a cell phone..but unless the staff helps her that is not an issue either.)
Respite is so important that even Medicare recognizes it's importance and pays for 1 week of respite per year for Hospice patients.
Don't visit.
Relax
She will be fine.
By the way if you can get someone to come in and clean, send the laundry out to one of the places that will wash, dry and fold and get a room at a nearby hotel that has a pool and truly relax! See a movie BTW..Knives Out is funny!
Tell me. Do YOU think that your worries are mainly rooted in possible genuine problems, or mainly rooted in your not taking personal direct responsibility for her care for those few precious days?
We have a tendency to end up thinking, even if subconsciously, that we are the only ones who can take proper care of our loved ones. We therefore feel terrible if the slightest technical hitch, teething trouble, mild inconvenience or momentary discomfort even might happen.
You give them your emergency contact number. I personally used to send my mother a daily email (asking the reception desk to print it off for her) with cat updates and my love but I didn't visit and couldn't call her for the full five days (day 1 is dropping off, day 7 is picking up - you don't really get the whole week off). My mother could have, was encouraged to join in all kinds of activities but she preferred to sit in her room and hold her breath. I had to harden my heart about it, but that really was up to her. There was nothing wrong with the facility, its residents, or its lovely staff.
So presuming your selected respite facility is one you know and trust, trust them. For four days they will cope, and you can sleep.
And don't make your To Do list too ambitious; or if you must then at least include things like Bubble Bath, Watch DVD, Go For Walk on it.
My other experience with adult children, I find those adults who did not have children of their own, for the most part, are only concerned with themselves. While this is not true for all childless adults, I have found it to be the norm. For those of us with children, I don’t think we fully realize how important our parents are until we have children of her own and experience what it takes to raise a child.
On the other hand, some of us are just born caretakers, and some are not.
And to say those who do not have children are all about themselves is one of the most stupid comments I have ever read.
I do not have children, nor does my brother and we make certain our parents are properly cared for, and we do not do it by having them live with us. And we do not visit them everyday, never have, never will. They have their lives in AL, and we as adults have ours, we are not co-dependent on each other. They are in a 5* homes, have made new friends and enjoy the activities. They are with people of their own age, just as it should be.
All your posts are offensive and judgmental.