My mom has lived with me for 4 years. My sister lives 35-45 minutes away from me and feels like it’s too far for her. Can anyone relate?

Honestly I think your mom needs to be more accommodating . Your sister is offering to take your mom so you can get a break. Many on this site would kill for a sibling to offer that. Mom had no medical reason to need to be at your place other than she prefers it. Your sister is offering to help and it would be easier for her to do this at her home rather than move into yours. Take her up on her offer

How old is your mom? What is her physical condition? Does she have any cognitive or memory problems? If she's able to move about on her own, doesn't have any medical issues that require daily medication or special provisions, and has all her mental faculties then I don't know why she can't go to her daughter's house and give you guys a break for 6 days. If she can't go up and down stairs and your sister's house has them, then that would be a deal-breaker IMO. Your mom may be having undiagnosed cognitive decline and the break in routine would then be much harder on her. But for the 6-day vacation, mom should acquiesce so you can get refreshed.

To get out of the middle stop discussing one with the other. And yes, you need regular breaks to keep this up, I hope you’ll take advantage of what your sister is offering. If she can’t handle mom’s needs in her home, she will find this out on her own

Bending over backwards to accommodate your mother's 'preferences' is unnecessary at this point! It's a privilege for her to be living with you AND to have her other daughter inviting her to stay at her home as well. You have every right to go on a well deserved vacation and to have your mother go stay at your sister's home, so don't give her a choice in the matter. Mother, we're leaving on vacation from X date to X date & you'll be going over to Susie's house where you'll have a wonderful time and a change of pace. In fact, we're going to make arrangements for you to have a lovely visit with Susie every X amount of time so you can get used to living in both homes, won't that be GRAND? Your sister should not have to disrupt her entire life to come live in your home so mother can have her way, that makes no sense at all!

Giving an elder too many choices at this stage of the game only confuses them. Presenting these two homes as her new living arrangement and as a WONDERFUL thing is the way to go. If your sister needs to purchase some items to accommodate her mother's needs while she stays with her, then she'll learn that when mother comes to stay.

Every mother should be so lucky to have such a situation at play!

Sorry if I sound blunt, but if this is the worst "issue" you have with your sibling, you should get down on your knees and thank whatever greater being you believe in.

Do you know how many people here would give their eyeteeth for a sibling offering to take a parent into their home on a regular bases so the primary CG can get a much needed break?

I understand that there might be some logistical considerations with moving mom to your sister's home, but it's six days! Unless mom is in deep, deep dementia, take your sister up on her kind and generous offer, pack a bag for mom and go on your much needed vacation! Because if you keep balking at the offer, eventually your sister is going to take it off the table, and then you're looking at a facility for mom if you need respite. And if she's balking at going to her other child's home, how do you think she'll respond to a nursing home or similar facility for respite for you?

Your mother will be better off staying in her familiar environment, especially with the lift chair and any other adaptations she's used to.

You're asking your sister to leave her family, husband and home for nearly a week to do six days' unpaid work. It isn't a small request. I can't blame her for saying no.

So, ask somebody else. An agency should be able to provide a live-in caregiver for those days.

Just my 2 cents. For a day trip 35-45 minutes away from your home is not that far, really. People travel farther than that daily for work. Sis has got to get over that, it's an excuse. For a 6-day trip. Whoa, if your sis has kids it's a lot to ask to uproot herself unless your mom has a hospital bed. You mention a lift chair. Is mom unable to get out of a chair at all, even with assistance? Does your sister have grab rails for mom to use in the bath/shower? An over-toilet seat is easy-peasy and inexpensive so that sis should probably have that at her house. A six-day trip may not be possible, but could sis stay with mom at your place for a Friday night, Saturday, Sunday with you coming home Sunday night? It would give you a much-needed break, your sis a nice visit with mom, and then you can bring mom to sis's home for a day visit another time.

I am with lealonnie. You need a break. Mom needs to do this for you. It can't always be her way, and neither can u let it be.

We used to take my Mom to my Aunts for a week visit every 6 weeks or so,, and we would take my Aunt for the same. It was a great break for both families, and the ladies were happy to see each other. Did we give them a choice? Maybe not really.. and they all lived! And we were all better able to take care of them with a break every so often that we could count on. And I swear my cousin in TX is a saint,, she took BOTH of them for 6 weeks once. My Aunt wanted to come home sooner, but they convinced her to stay.

I can understand CM’s comments, although I can’t remember reading a post on here where falls have been the result of respite in another house. It might be a good idea to ask your sister to come and spend a day at your place with mother, so that she can get a better idea of the arrangements that she is used to. That means you go out (a day’s respite isn’t all bad) so that you don’t end up doing the tricky bits yourself.

Your mother as well as your sister can get an idea of how things may go with sister as carer and sister’s house without all the arrangements. You and sister might arrange to get the lift, commode, whatever, transferred between the houses for the respite period, or to hire anything essential.

But it’s not a good idea to work on the basis that mother can’t be moved out of your house!

I am a firm believer that the person NEEDING the care, needs to be flexible and accommodate the caregiver, especially when it is a freebie.

Mom isn't the only one that matters and she needs to go to your sisters house for you to get a break.

Letting the senior run the show is why caregivers are worn to nubs.

Yeah, it's great. The mix of different personalities, soaking up all the emotions, juggling everybody's wants & desires.. it's great entertainment! Sit back & enjoy the show.

Oh wait, you're in it...

#1. Do you like all the drama? Some thrive on it - I don't judge, makes life interesting.

But if you don't.. try stepping back a bit emotionally.

So Mom prefers to stay in her familiar home? Sure. So Mom speaks to Sis about that DIRECTLY. Because right now, you have been 'triangulated' into their drama show. Bow out. Watch from the audience.

# 2. Mom wants something. Does this mean you always NEED to make it happen? Like, what happens if Mom doesn't get her own way? Tears & tantrums?

#3 the person helping gets to help in the way THEY want. I just watched Pretty Woman again.. "we say who, we say when, we say how much". Exactly. If Sis says she will help but in her home only - take it or leave it. Well - she can.

Many of us are 'empaths' & soak up too much of other people's emotions. Would you be in this category do you think?

Both your mom an d sister are being passive aggressive with each other and you. If you want to go someplace and need your sister to be the sitter, you will have to take mom to her place. If you don't like that option, you will need to find a different person to sit with mom in your home.

It's wonderful that your sister is willing and able to help in your mother's care. You will see in many posts on this site that help from siblings cannot be taken for granted. Like your mothet, I am also happier in my "own room" with my "own things," but sometimes circumstances make it necessary to stay somewhere else for a while. It would certainly be much easier for your sister to have your mother at her own house while you are away. Encourage your mother to stay with your sister that week even though it is a little awkward. It's something your mother can do to make your sister feel appreciated.

Also, don't wait for a six day vacation. Make staying at sis's a once a month thing, for at least a long weekend. So everyone gets used to the idea and its a regular occurrence. Or, sis can come stay at your home for long weekend while you get away. Unless she had minor children, under age 12 or 13, they will be fine with their father for 3 days. Or they can come along for a weekend with gma.

Go for it! Share this burden with your sister! Neither of you needs this full time! Accommodate Mom’s likes & dislikes to the best of your ability, but help each other out! Mom will adjust, barring a disability on her OR your part(s)!

My sister and I shared “custody “( our phrase ) of my mom for 8 years . My mom passed away at 98 in 2020. We made sure my mom was equally as comfortable in both homes with all the necessities that she loved and needed. As the years went on , if we didn’t have each other and this set up , my mom would have had to go into a nursing home . We made that clear to her because it would have been too hard for one person . Of course , we were blessed that my mom could make the switch , on a regular basis . The only time she stayed at one home was when she wasn’t feeling well and /or was recovering from a hospital stay . It worked for us and our beloved mom was able to live with us till her death .

Anyone would rather spend time in their own home than stranger surroundings but in this case I think you should go on your vacation and have your mother stay with your sister. It's not the end of the world. Your Mom will get to spend loving, quality time with her other daughter and grandkids and vice versa. Your sister will learn a lot about the care she needs and possibly purchase items to make her next stay more comfy. You will get the respite you desperately need while on your trip and possibly open the door to more! It's really just a matter of "letting go".

I just reread your post to make sure I read it accurately. You say”… so mom will give in and go stay with my sister if I need her to.“ My question to you is: Who exactly is stopping Mom from going to sister’s house? We all make sacrifices when we travel and stay in strange places. That is why it feels so good to come home. You have 6+ people affected by this decision. If you don’t go on vacation, your husband loses out on a vacation. If you do go on vacation, and your sister comes to your home to care for mom, her children and spouse lose a vital member of their family. Their lives are disrupted as they will lose the normal caregiving of a mother and, most importantly, her presence and TLC. That is a lot to ask of children and spouse. If you do go on vacation, and mom stays with sister, mom loses the comfort of home and familiar surroundings. But she gains the love of extended family and will get to know her grandchildren much better. She will have a team of people looking after her. If the lift chair is so vital, then that can be brought to sister’s house or one can be purchased and kept at sister’s house. There is another positive to your mom traveling to sister’s house. You and your spouse will get much needed time alone. The care of an elderly relative is always there and having a break does a tremendous amount for mental health and emotional well-being. Your husband needs it as much as you need it. You said your mother is needing more help. As she ages, she is going to need more and more and more help. The more family members you have on your caregiving team, the better it is for all. No family member will feel overburdened. Please stop and think deeply about why you are reluctant to send mom over to your sister’s house. Is it really your mom who doesn’t want to go or you who doesn’t want her to go? Your sister is being very generous in offering you regular respite from your mother’s care giving. She is willing to disrupt her family and bring mom in. It shows how much your sister loves your mom and how much she loves you.

I'd like to second and third many of the responses here.

OP, it is normative for seniors even without dementia to do the tears and tantrum thing or pull some passive aggressiveness. Same with their caregivers, no offense.

Sister wants to help, let her take on your mom. This way, both of you will have a fully shared understanding of where mom stands and what needs to be done with her in the future. Which, since she can't do for herself, is your choice. And your sisters.

Sorry, but I don't see that you have an issue. You are blessed to have a sister that will have mom come stay with her so you can get away. Over and over again people post on here about not being able to get away because nobody is willing to help. If your mom agrees to it, apparently it's not all that bad for mom. Sure, she is more comfortable at your home where she lives most of the time and will be glad to get back home again, just like you will be glad to get home after your vacation.

Your sister WANTS your mom in her home. Imagine if nobody did.

What your sister doesn't understand is that your mom has a routine at your house and it is so very hard for older people, with problems like your mom has, to change her routine. Your sister will never understand because she is not involved in day to day care and doesn't appear that will ever happen.

You probably need the 6 day vacation. Tell sis to come and get all of the things your mom uses each day and you'll deliver mom in your car if everything doesn't fit into her car. Let her figure it out for 6 days and she may come to realize what you're talking about. She will have more work on her hands of her own doing. Mom will be fine for a week. Sis will be exhausted - and that's a good thing. Hauling all the crap over that mom needs and then returning it PLUS the week of care might be just what sis needs to temper her obstinacy a little.

As for mom, just tell her you really want this vacation and sis/her family are looking forward to being with her. Let it happen!!!

OMG - send your mom to your sister. I would have given every dime I have if either one of my sisters would have stepped up to the plate when my mom was in a SNF after her stroke. One sister wouldn't let me know she was coming so I could miss a day checking on mom, because she doesn't like have to schedule anything, and she was an adult and didn't need to tell people what she was going to do.
The other sister expected me to be raxi service; pick her up at airport, take her to NH, pick her up when I got off work and take her to my house. In the morning, I had to take her to the NH on my way to work (which it wasn't) and pick her up when I got off.
I never got a day off until my hubby volunteered to go on Saturday and Sunday.

Me2me2: Imho, your sister needs to bend because your mother is the most important individual in this issue and the needs of your mother are paramount.

My mom lives around the corner and won't come visit. They like their own stuff and don't want to venture far from their nest. Extract you and your family and your mom would still want that environment. I can relate with sister because I wish my mom would come over to my house. My other sister who also lives near can get her to go to her house from time to time, but not often. I don't think it's personal, maybe you can tell sister it's not about her or her home. However, if you need a break, Mom should have to go there! And, you WILL need a break.

I'm sorry but I can't see an issue with your sister. You want Mum to live as you think she should and sister should fit with this, Sister is willing to have her to stay but things will be a bit different. Let Mum go and stay with sister who will then find out if she needs to make modifications to her house, or to come and care for mum in yours. But sister seems to be being perfectly reasonable based on the knowledge she has. Mum is willing to go so they both seem happy the only one who isn't is you. You may be right, but don't write options off, you are fortunate that your sister is willing to help out with Mum and that Mum is willing to go along with it.