My mom has lived with me for 4 years. My sister lives 35-45 minutes away from me and feels like it’s too far for her. Can anyone relate?

Sorry if I sound blunt, but if this is the worst "issue" you have with your sibling, you should get down on your knees and thank whatever greater being you believe in.

Do you know how many people here would give their eyeteeth for a sibling offering to take a parent into their home on a regular bases so the primary CG can get a much needed break?

I understand that there might be some logistical considerations with moving mom to your sister's home, but it's six days! Unless mom is in deep, deep dementia, take your sister up on her kind and generous offer, pack a bag for mom and go on your much needed vacation! Because if you keep balking at the offer, eventually your sister is going to take it off the table, and then you're looking at a facility for mom if you need respite. And if she's balking at going to her other child's home, how do you think she'll respond to a nursing home or similar facility for respite for you?

Honestly I think your mom needs to be more accommodating . Your sister is offering to take your mom so you can get a break. Many on this site would kill for a sibling to offer that. Mom had no medical reason to need to be at your place other than she prefers it. Your sister is offering to help and it would be easier for her to do this at her home rather than move into yours. Take her up on her offer

I am a firm believer that the person NEEDING the care, needs to be flexible and accommodate the caregiver, especially when it is a freebie.

Mom isn't the only one that matters and she needs to go to your sisters house for you to get a break.

Letting the senior run the show is why caregivers are worn to nubs.

Bending over backwards to accommodate your mother's 'preferences' is unnecessary at this point! It's a privilege for her to be living with you AND to have her other daughter inviting her to stay at her home as well. You have every right to go on a well deserved vacation and to have your mother go stay at your sister's home, so don't give her a choice in the matter. Mother, we're leaving on vacation from X date to X date & you'll be going over to Susie's house where you'll have a wonderful time and a change of pace. In fact, we're going to make arrangements for you to have a lovely visit with Susie every X amount of time so you can get used to living in both homes, won't that be GRAND? Your sister should not have to disrupt her entire life to come live in your home so mother can have her way, that makes no sense at all!

Giving an elder too many choices at this stage of the game only confuses them. Presenting these two homes as her new living arrangement and as a WONDERFUL thing is the way to go. If your sister needs to purchase some items to accommodate her mother's needs while she stays with her, then she'll learn that when mother comes to stay.

Every mother should be so lucky to have such a situation at play!

My sister and I shared “custody “( our phrase ) of my mom for 8 years . My mom passed away at 98 in 2020. We made sure my mom was equally as comfortable in both homes with all the necessities that she loved and needed. As the years went on , if we didn’t have each other and this set up , my mom would have had to go into a nursing home . We made that clear to her because it would have been too hard for one person . Of course , we were blessed that my mom could make the switch , on a regular basis . The only time she stayed at one home was when she wasn’t feeling well and /or was recovering from a hospital stay . It worked for us and our beloved mom was able to live with us till her death .

I just reread your post to make sure I read it accurately. You say”… so mom will give in and go stay with my sister if I need her to.“ My question to you is: Who exactly is stopping Mom from going to sister’s house? We all make sacrifices when we travel and stay in strange places. That is why it feels so good to come home. You have 6+ people affected by this decision. If you don’t go on vacation, your husband loses out on a vacation. If you do go on vacation, and your sister comes to your home to care for mom, her children and spouse lose a vital member of their family. Their lives are disrupted as they will lose the normal caregiving of a mother and, most importantly, her presence and TLC. That is a lot to ask of children and spouse. If you do go on vacation, and mom stays with sister, mom loses the comfort of home and familiar surroundings. But she gains the love of extended family and will get to know her grandchildren much better. She will have a team of people looking after her. If the lift chair is so vital, then that can be brought to sister’s house or one can be purchased and kept at sister’s house. There is another positive to your mom traveling to sister’s house. You and your spouse will get much needed time alone. The care of an elderly relative is always there and having a break does a tremendous amount for mental health and emotional well-being. Your husband needs it as much as you need it. You said your mother is needing more help. As she ages, she is going to need more and more and more help. The more family members you have on your caregiving team, the better it is for all. No family member will feel overburdened. Please stop and think deeply about why you are reluctant to send mom over to your sister’s house. Is it really your mom who doesn’t want to go or you who doesn’t want her to go? Your sister is being very generous in offering you regular respite from your mother’s care giving. She is willing to disrupt her family and bring mom in. It shows how much your sister loves your mom and how much she loves you.

To get out of the middle stop discussing one with the other. And yes, you need regular breaks to keep this up, I hope you’ll take advantage of what your sister is offering. If she can’t handle mom’s needs in her home, she will find this out on her own

I can understand CM’s comments, although I can’t remember reading a post on here where falls have been the result of respite in another house. It might be a good idea to ask your sister to come and spend a day at your place with mother, so that she can get a better idea of the arrangements that she is used to. That means you go out (a day’s respite isn’t all bad) so that you don’t end up doing the tricky bits yourself.

Your mother as well as your sister can get an idea of how things may go with sister as carer and sister’s house without all the arrangements. You and sister might arrange to get the lift, commode, whatever, transferred between the houses for the respite period, or to hire anything essential.

But it’s not a good idea to work on the basis that mother can’t be moved out of your house!

Anyone would rather spend time in their own home than stranger surroundings but in this case I think you should go on your vacation and have your mother stay with your sister. It's not the end of the world. Your Mom will get to spend loving, quality time with her other daughter and grandkids and vice versa. Your sister will learn a lot about the care she needs and possibly purchase items to make her next stay more comfy. You will get the respite you desperately need while on your trip and possibly open the door to more! It's really just a matter of "letting go".

Sorry, but I don't see that you have an issue. You are blessed to have a sister that will have mom come stay with her so you can get away. Over and over again people post on here about not being able to get away because nobody is willing to help. If your mom agrees to it, apparently it's not all that bad for mom. Sure, she is more comfortable at your home where she lives most of the time and will be glad to get back home again, just like you will be glad to get home after your vacation.

Your sister WANTS your mom in her home. Imagine if nobody did.