One year ago, my sister passed away from Colon Cancer. My sister's adult daughter (30 yrs old) moved into my Mom's house. My niece quit her job shortly after moving into my Mom's house so it’s coming up on a year since she worked. Before my sister died my niece lived with her Mom and my sister's husband and I know there was a lot of verbal and some physical abuse that happened in that house. Since my niece moved into my Mom's house, my Mom has changed. My Mom rarely talks to her 3 adult kids and she refuses to see family members. Before my niece moved in, my Mom would talk to her kids several times a day. I’ve talked to my 2 brothers about my Mom's behavior and they’re also concerned about my Mom's behavior too but they aren’t pushing too hard to find out what’s happening because they are just happy my Mom has someone there with her. I’m afraid that my niece is abusing my Mom...verbally mainly. I’m sure she uses my Mom's money and doesn’t pay anything to live there. I’m the only child that lives out of town. My brothers live near my Mom. I would like to find out if my Mom's personal health is ok and find out if there’s any abuse going on because it’s not like my Mom to act this way. My Mom won’t even talk to me....and we use to talk twice a day on the phone. I really have concerns...Is there anything I can do to make sure everything is ok with my Mom?
You don't say a lot about the kind of care your Mom is needing now, and if in fact it is the niece who is DOING this care. If you have evidence that there was physical and emotional abuse in the last living situation, that is a definite warning bell.
What is the family relationship with this niece? Your brothers are in town and they are honestly the only ones in a position to investigate this more carefully. It's difficult in covid-19 times to make the trips you need, get Mom out to lunch to talk with her privately and etc.
This is a real dilemma. I surely hope others have some advice for you, but I can't see the way forward right now. A call to APS would really create an adversarial relationship. I would now concentrate on speaking directly with the niece about your concerns of changes in Mom, for instance the fact that she used to like to speak with you all several times a day and now will not speak with you at all, ask her if she has any explanation for that behavior at all. Keep it kind, non-accusatory, but let her know you are concerned and that these changes may mean she needs reassessing, and a POA appointed from her immediate family to control all bills and accounts. This may get her attention fast.
My Mom hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia... My Mom is 85. I think she could have some dementia because of her age...none of us would really know. My niece doesn’t keep anyone in the family updated about my Mom...she doesn’t talk to my brothers or myself. My niece has no friends...she keeps to herself. It’s a very strange situation... When my Mom passes away, I have no clue what my niece will do because my brother won’t allow her to live in the house anymore. My niece has nobody in her life...it’s very sad.
I hope to fly and visit my brothers and hopefully my Mom in the next couple of months to see if we can see what’s going on at my Moms house. I miss my Mom so much and I’m very puzzled about this whole situation.
That you are concerned that she doesn't pay anything to live there makes me ask, how much is she being paid to care for her grandmother? You can't ask someone to move in, be a full time caregiver and expect them to pay room and board for the privilege of having a roof and food. I wouldn't talk to you either if that was your attitude.
Approach this with a helping hand, not fault finding and you will get to the bottom of the truth.
Edit: Since this situation has been allowed to continue for an entire year you will probably be dealing with Stockholm syndrome. So you can not depend on your mom to tell you anything, because she knows how dangerous it could be for her once you all go home and leave her with her abuser. You need to have a plan in place to get her away from your niece if you see abusive or manipulative behavior. You can tell what is going on by staying there for some time, not just a few days, I am talking about a couple weeks to really assess the situation. Then you need to protect her if you see abuse, no matter what she says. She will protect her abuser, it is safer for her to do that. Read up on this and then get your bum down there to help your mom.