My Mom has been in a long term care memory care facility for just 2 months. My Dad wants to bring her home for a weekend. Thoughts?

I wouldn't do it. Hard for Dementia patients to adjust and seems like Mom has. You will only confuse her bringing her home and maybe have a hard time getting her to go back.

No, no, no. Don't do it. This is about Dad, not Mom, so he needs help with his loneliness. Bringing Mom home is a bad idea and will cause both of them great distress when she gets disoriented and scared.

Dad may be lonely and thinks this will somehow help--but, what? mom spends a weekend home after adapting to a LTC facility and then gets taken BACK there--to what end? Make dad happy for a couple days?

I think it would disrupt her 'new norm' tremendously and cause more issues down the road.

A better choice would be to arrange for dad to see mom more often. Is her 'home' amenable to long visits from family/spouses? A man in my neighborhood had to move his wife to a NH close to him. He spent most of everyday there with her.

It actually was helpful, as by the time she passed, he was accustomed to being alone. She never came home once she was in the MC facility. The directors would have let him take her, of course, but they felt she'd do better in ONE location and that proved true.

Bad idea.

If Mom needs MC, then she also needs the structure of the routine that MC gives.

Back with Dad, there would be no such structure.

Why put Mom through the possibility of anxiety caused by such a visit?

Does Dad need transportation to Mom? Would he use an UBER? A taxi? Municipal transport?

Would he have the funds to move into the AL portion of the building, if there is one?

No. Absolutely not. Even an hour out of their facility can throw them for a loop.

We tried this with husband’s grandma, simple lunch outings. But when we’d bring her back, she’d be so disoriented. She thought we were out of town or that we were moving away, and got upset thinking we were leaving her forever … we couldn’t convince her otherwise. Couldn’t remember where the bathroom was.

It’s not worth it!

I would not do this; it will disrupt a scheduled to which she has adapted. I understand that Dad misses her but perhaps there is a way he can make his visits longer and more often. If he doesn't drive, perhaps he could do an Uber taxi or maybe there is a gov't sponsored transportation for older people in his area ( check with the Office on Aging or the state's Dept of . Friends, religious groups could be asked for periodic rides to and/or from the facility.

Of course, if finances are not an issue and the Mom's facility has an AL section, is it possible that Dad might like to move there so that he could be closer to Mom and they could have meals together and share some activities? Just a thought

You’re right, and hopefully he’ll be able to realize that, but is it possible for Dad to see her frequently via technology, so that he’s more secure that she’s well cared for, at peace, and safe?

He may or may not realize how counterproductive it would be to have her leave her present “home” but perhaps you owe it to him to give give him that explanation.

Also, if you attempt to take her out for an extended time, the Assisted Living may have restrictions on overnight visits, in the best interests of the residents.

This reminds me of the schizophrenic who stops taking their medication b/c they're feeling better. Only to become symptomatic immediately afterward and wonder what the heck went wrong? Try using this analogy with your father with regard to taking his wife home & possibly setting off a very bad set of reactions afterward.

Please leave well enough alone. It took a while to get her more stable & content in the Memory Care ALF, why rock the boat? Dad can go visit every single day if he'd like, which is almost the same thing as taking her home.

Good luck!

You’re absolutely right. Don’t bring her back home. They have been giving her meds & she will refuse all meds (if he is the one to give them) from your father. She finally stabilized & bringing her back home would be a fantasy dream for your father, but it will turn into a sad nightmare. She will NEVER go back to the facility if she comes back home. & she probably will get violent & combative when “time to go back”. She or both parents can get injured. Then an ambulance will have to be called to go to hospital…then facility may not agree to take her back…& on & on….
Have her STAY PUT where she is. You can visit with dad…but do NOT bring her back home. Hugs 🤗

You are spot on. The staff and setting on memory care have worked and you are seeing the good results. Bringing her home will be be disorienting and stressful, and you’ll end up back where you were. It won’t be fair to her, or you and your father. Then you’ll be back to square one all over again. It won’t be worth it.

Would the facility let him spend the night with her? he sounds like his heart is broken. Maybe the staff would like him to help in taking care of her or just having dinner with her. When my mom was in memory care they let me partake in her care and let me spend the night in a recliner. I think it helped us both. They were short staffed so they liked me being there. You would have to get permission from the facility. He is feeling a loss of his routine of being her caregiver.

Check with the facility, they may have restrictions about being out of the facility overnight. Mom's required her to be discharged and read mites if she was gone past midnight.

Please don't do it. For her routine is important to keep her on whatever even keel she has. Taking her out could really stress her out and confuse her - then the added stress of taking her back.

I realize that you father misses his wife and is hopeful she is getting better. Yes he feels guilt and is grieving. But you need to explain the importance of routine to him and that the reason she is doing so well is for all the good care she is receiving - and taking her out could undo all the good she is experiencing.

Good luck.

Based on what I see in assisted living with memory issues, it would be nice but don't do it. It will make her want to stay home and she can't and it will confuse her. Let her find peace and adjust to where she is. Let him go to visit her.

I know of one husband that would stay all day everyday of the week with his wife at the facility. Maybe he can have lunches and dinner with her. Sone family members come during meal time to feed their loved ones as loved one can no longer feed themselves. He can read to her etc... but mom should not go home.

Wow, if your mom adjusted that quickly to the move, you ARE blessed!!! Some take a really long time, if ever, to adjust.

The responses seem to be mostly the same - don't do this. It is very hard on those with dementia. Even when I'd take my mother to appts, when we were back in the parking lot, she'd start looking for her keys (to the condo.) She'd look at the place and ask where we are. We'd get downstairs, into MC, and she'd ask where her room was, where normally she could get there on her own. It sounds like he's suggesting taking her home for more than a day - even just one trip home for the day or a few hours is going to upset her routine and she could backslide. Who knows, she may even resist going. At least one resident where my mother was didn't want to go out - they came to pick her up for a birthday celebration for her and she refused to go. While I know they spent a lot of time planning and organizing, I can only imagine how upset this poor woman was, being forced to go against her wishes!

It is very disorienting when we take them out. She's adjusted quickly, I wouldn't recommend messing with that - at least not for a while. It would be better if he could spend more time with her. Try explaining to your dad that yes, indeed, she looks and feels better, but that's because she is in the right place for her. She is well cared for, but won't be getting any better. It will get worse, but he can enjoy time with her there. Suggest him going to be with her, maybe for the afternoon and have dinner together or another meal/snack. You'd have to inquire about overnights. Some places may allow it, others won't.

Work on getting dad to understand how difficult this will be for her. Be understanding for him as well, because he's missing her and feeling like he gave up on her too soon. His feelings DO matter, but he needs to know you all did the right thing and help him not feel guilty. If she's content and relatively happy, THAT is what matters!

If she is doing fine, she needs to remain in her "new home." It would be better to talk with the facility about how he can visit her more often and create special moments that they can share together.

My husband and I, after seeing my mom decline and get adjusted to a AL with medication care and meals, etc. have decided that we will move in to a home together. We are looking now. I had a friend who did that and when her husband declined and moved to MC, she was close by to visit or not (depending on the day and how he was doing). We cannot take my mom out because her comfort level and autonomy is great where she is. She loves her apartment, her visitors and her neighbors are a couple who moved in to help the husband care for his wife with support. Your dad may want to stay there with her for an overnight (if allowed) and consider moving in with her not removing her from her “nest”

From our experience don't do it. It may only serve to confuse her and upset her routine and set back her progress where she is. MY SIL brought my FIL home once, while they thought it would be good for him it was strained few hours. He was scared and did not know where he was. Going forward we arranged for a meeting room at the facility and the family would gather there with him. He was happy to see us there and acted the host. Much better for everyone and some of the Aides were happy to be part of it.

I would advise against it as your mom now has an established routine in her new environment. It was probably a big adjustment for her when she got there & to take her back home for a brief visit would be cruel for her. It might satisfy her husband but she would be uprooted again & face another period of adjustment and might lead to more confusion for her. See if he can spend more time with her at the home in order not to feel so guilty. Best luck!

Now that she is stable and content I would not bring her home.
It would be confusing, possibly even frightening for her being removed from an environment that she knows now. If she does recall "home" it would be upsetting for her to go home then be brought back where she will have to settle in all over again.
If he wants to spend time with her ask if he can stay with her in MC for the weekend.

It will more than likely be a mistake, but perhaps he needs to find that out for himself. Otherwise, he may always feel guilt that he didn’t.
I took my mom to her house once. Everything was wonderful. Until it was time to leave. I learned not to do it again. I was sad, but I knew it was best for her.

Please, for your Mom's and all your sakes do not do this. Our Papa was in AL (broken hip so on walker & he had dementia) then I had to move him to their memory care building. In a very short time he got to where he became anxious when we would get him to go out to eat or just for a ride so we had to stop doing that and would go eat there with him. If your Mom is doing well don't rock the boat. Any change in routine or location can steak havoc. God bless you all. It's a long, hard road many of us have to travel as caregivers.

Although I agree that patients in a NH should not be “locked up.” I think it is a little too soon to bring her home for a short while. I think your mom needs more time to adjust to her new home. Afterwards, patients in good mental and physical health should have outings to restaurants, relatives, zoos, botanical gardens, etc.

Changes of venue are difficult for people with dementia. Day trips and visits are OK, if she (and he) can handle them, but it's best to always bring her back to her facility in the evening, to preserve her basic routine. My mother (who now has advanced dementia), wasn't even interested in (and couldn't handle) going out to restaurants and on excursions as her condition declined. If she's a wanderer, someone must be with her at all times while she's out of the facility.

I agree with the other posts. It would be too confusing. She is comfortable now. A day trip would be nice. They are both at an age where things change everyday, no usually for the better. Bring your dad to visit.

If she has her mental faculties, ask her if she would like to go visit home for the weekend and if she understands and wants to, let her.
Or, maybe just a day outing first and see how that goes.

Heartbands,

As sad and heartbreaking it is, your mom was put into an LTC facility for a reason. Your father, as guilt-ridden as he might be was part of the decision to do this. All of your family including dad knows it was the right decision.
Bringing her home for a week-end will not end well. She has become acclimated to her new surroundings and from what you say, has improved and is thriving there.
Taking her home for a couple days will result in confusing her and probably setting back the progress she's made by months, or she will love being at home again and there will be a total meltdown when she has to leave. Either way whatever improvement and progress she's made at the LTC facility will be set back by months.
Please don't being her home. The suggestions made by everyone here are good ideas. Maybe your father can stay with her for a week-end. Or she can go on outings with the family. Bringing her home is not a good idea.
For your father, he's really struggling and it would help him to have someone to talk to about it. Would he be on board with the idea of a support group? To meet and talk with other people who are also in the same situation as him.

From what I've learned reading post on this sight is that every person is different. You won't know how your mom will handle it until you try it. One person might panic, and another could do just fine. I say it's always worth a try. Life is short.

She’s his spouse, so your wishes are secondary to his. I don’t say this to be dismissive of your concerns but simply pointing out the spouse ranks first as next of kin so respect his wishes and see how it goes. They don’t have a lot of life left, relatively speaking compared to when they were younger and time together like that for a couple is worth it’s weight in gold