My mom eats then forgets I fed her, and insists that I feed her again. Any advice?

Oh, dear! That sounds just awful! I know just how you feel because my uncle with dementia did much the same type of thing to me last week during a meeting. I’ve been his primary caregiver for almost five years and he’s been the kindest, sweetest, most loving man until he began to fall on his head last year and has gone downhill since then. Now he told this group I’ve gone “power hungry” and all I want to do is take control of him!”

As in the case with your mom, these remarks came seeming from out of the blue. As we all know, there is no way to “reason” with a person with dementia because “reason” has left the building. We certainly cannot ask our LO “why?” or “what?” prompted the thought, nor would it matter—even if we got an answer, what would be the point?

At times like these, after a few deep breaths, I find it helpful to remind myself that the brain of a person with dementia works differently than ours. Logic, and reason are gone. Judgement is poor. Confabulation and lying is common—imagination can run amok with paranoia and we know all about how tricky memory can be. So is it any surprise at all confusion reigns? And that, we, as beloved caregivers, end up as the targets for most outrageous comments?

The most we can do is protect ourselves emotionally as fiercely as we should be doing physically. I mentally bite my tongue so I won’t lash out verbally in return and/or walk away to cool down, if I need to. Call a friend with a sympathetic ear. Take a break.

Do what you need to get past it! The upside is: your LO will probably forget all about what she said, long before you do. No need to carry it with you!

I hope my words bring you some comfort. Prayers go with them!

Try not to stress to much. I work in a dementia specific residential home, and atleast 1 person each day forgets that they ate. We usually just tell them that they had dinner etc not to long ago and if they still keep asking we l take it as a sign that they must be hungry still so give them a sandwich or biscuit or something. Dementia can be hard so you are doing a good job enough as it is with care at home :)

Thank you, I do grazing with her. Exactly how you suggested. She has never missed a bite, but she honestly doesn't remember eating. I take pictures as well to show her that she ate. I make sure to not argue with her. I just gently remind her. It's an all day event. I will commit to taking care of her for as long as I can. I'm not worried about anyone coming over for a well check. I was just HORRIFIED. I thank you for your understanding and great advice.

I understand how you’re feeling. Last year, an overzealous caseworker for our local Department of Health and Human Services called for a well-check for my husband and me. The feeling I had when I opened my door and saw two police officers standing there is something I will not forget. I was livid. But, this caseworker, like the doctor, was a mandated reporter and they are obligated to report things like this.

APS workers are very experienced with investigating things like this. It will not take them very long to realize your mom is compromised and an investigation will go nowhere.

As for feeding Mom, can you try “grazing”? Give her a half sandwich, say, and then when she asks for more, give her the other half.