My mom eats then forgets I fed her, and insists that I feed her again. Any advice?

I understand how you’re feeling. Last year, an overzealous caseworker for our local Department of Health and Human Services called for a well-check for my husband and me. The feeling I had when I opened my door and saw two police officers standing there is something I will not forget. I was livid. But, this caseworker, like the doctor, was a mandated reporter and they are obligated to report things like this.

APS workers are very experienced with investigating things like this. It will not take them very long to realize your mom is compromised and an investigation will go nowhere.

As for feeding Mom, can you try “grazing”? Give her a half sandwich, say, and then when she asks for more, give her the other half.

Thank you, I do grazing with her. Exactly how you suggested. She has never missed a bite, but she honestly doesn't remember eating. I take pictures as well to show her that she ate. I make sure to not argue with her. I just gently remind her. It's an all day event. I will commit to taking care of her for as long as I can. I'm not worried about anyone coming over for a well check. I was just HORRIFIED. I thank you for your understanding and great advice.

Try not to stress to much. I work in a dementia specific residential home, and atleast 1 person each day forgets that they ate. We usually just tell them that they had dinner etc not to long ago and if they still keep asking we l take it as a sign that they must be hungry still so give them a sandwich or biscuit or something. Dementia can be hard so you are doing a good job enough as it is with care at home :)

Oh, dear! That sounds just awful! I know just how you feel because my uncle with dementia did much the same type of thing to me last week during a meeting. I’ve been his primary caregiver for almost five years and he’s been the kindest, sweetest, most loving man until he began to fall on his head last year and has gone downhill since then. Now he told this group I’ve gone “power hungry” and all I want to do is take control of him!”

As in the case with your mom, these remarks came seeming from out of the blue. As we all know, there is no way to “reason” with a person with dementia because “reason” has left the building. We certainly cannot ask our LO “why?” or “what?” prompted the thought, nor would it matter—even if we got an answer, what would be the point?

At times like these, after a few deep breaths, I find it helpful to remind myself that the brain of a person with dementia works differently than ours. Logic, and reason are gone. Judgement is poor. Confabulation and lying is common—imagination can run amok with paranoia and we know all about how tricky memory can be. So is it any surprise at all confusion reigns? And that, we, as beloved caregivers, end up as the targets for most outrageous comments?

The most we can do is protect ourselves emotionally as fiercely as we should be doing physically. I mentally bite my tongue so I won’t lash out verbally in return and/or walk away to cool down, if I need to. Call a friend with a sympathetic ear. Take a break.

Do what you need to get past it! The upside is: your LO will probably forget all about what she said, long before you do. No need to carry it with you!

I hope my words bring you some comfort. Prayers go with them!

My grandmother did this to my mom as well, and my mom did EVERYTHING for her! I recall visiting her one time and my mom was walking out the door of my granny's house, carrying dirty dishes and food containers of the breakfast she JUST finished. The house smelled like food, and yet my grandmother told me she had not had anything to eat yet.

My grandmother also tried to get her sitter to report my parents to APS just because they DARED to take a vacation for a week! They made all sorts of arrangements with neighbors and sitters to make sure she was cared for while they were away. She was not an invalid. She just needed someone to provide meals, ensure she took her meds and check on her multiple times daily.

If Dr knows anything about dementia patients, they always eat & then forget they ate. If he’s not familiar w dementia, don’t go back to him. Period . My mother says that all day...that she didn’t eat & she’s hungry. I have to figure how much is a good breakfast, for example. Cereal, milk w berries, juice, coffee & muffin. Enough for a person who sits all day in a wheelchair. Then as soon as she finishes, she asks, “Am I going to get my breakfast today?” It’s about having a broken brain...just change doctors . Hugs 🤗

What I don't understand is why a doctor who's versed in dementia would be 'obligated to send someone to question you', when he KNOWS your mother is well fed!? That makes no sense to me at all. Is this doctor a neurologist or just a primary care provider?

In any event, I know you will be cleared of any 'wrongdoing' when APS (or whomever) comes to 'question' you. I'm sorry you have to be put through such an ordeal, too, after being such a loving and caring daughter for your mother. It's nobody's 'fault' but dementia's......it's just a terrible disease to be burdened with, for ALL involved.

Wishing you the best of luck

So sorry you are going through this I go through it every day with my mom I could pick her up from the daycare she could just had a snack. soon as she get in the car I'm hungry. I get home feed her she get up goes to the bathroom and come back I haven't eaten all day I'm hungry can I have something to eat mom your plate is right here I'm not eating that because it's not mine or I will tell her mother you just got finished eating 5 or 15 minutes ago but she won't remember that's another stage of dementia that I hate just love up on her a little more

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My mom lived with us also until she died at 95 from Alzheimer’s. She would often do the same thing / just after eating say she had not eaten. My husband would sweetly make her a pb sandwich and she would be happy.

I would strongly suggest looking at getting her a new doctor. The best thing I ever did for my mom was ‘quit’ her longtime doctor and found one that came to our home. So much better!! They are out there!! Even did labs here. All covered on her insurance. I don’t know where you live but start googling! Good luck!

Maybe the doctor should have shown some discretion but I think the tripwire was that she made you leave the room before talking to the doctor. That takes the situation to a whole different level.

My grandma does the same. She constantly says that she hasn't eaten in days. Sometimes she says it as she's eating something. I thought this was common behavior for people in this state.

Props, this is actually a good thing. Doctors are mandatory reporters and that they are paying attention is a good thing.

When APS comes out to check on things that is a perfect opportunity for you to find out what services are available to help you care for your mom. Ask them for names, numbers, referrals and anything else you can think of. There are so many programs that we never hear about until something like this happens.

They will be able to see that she is healthy and that her weight has been stable or improving and they will know that she is getting fed.

Don't fear this process, use it to get you and mom all the resources available for you both.

If you are doing the right thing regarding your mother and food - and I do believe you - then you have nothing to fear from being investigated. The fact that her weight is not plummeting supports your good care giving as far as I am concerned.
That your mother does not recall saying anything untoward, that she claims being denied food, tells me your mother might be slipping a bit further into dementia. Don't be surprised if she soon says she is never given water or fluids of any description. Or that she is being locked in her room, that you will not allow her any clothes to wear at all, or that you are hiding her precious belongings et al. It is all part of dementia - when those accusations start coming hot and strong it can be very confronting, especially when care givers have little experience with dementia. I have written previously about how our knowledge was limited to people simply losing their memories once dementia set in. We had no previous experience to prepare us for the realities of dementia.
Yes it is a horrible and sad experience. And it will be repeated over and over again whilst ever your mother is in your care and while the dementia progresses. If and when she is moved into a memory care unit your mother will be making the same accusations against staff. Then there will be different accusations against you - you have dumped her there to die, you are taking all her money, you won't come to visit. In the meantime the staff will be accused of locking your mother away, denying her food and water etc etc.
I am sorry to say it really is a case of just learning to roll with the proverbial punches. You cannot afford to take this personally if you want to come out the other side with your own sanity intact. Courage and strength to you as you and your mother take this horribly difficult ride.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this, I feel,like there’s new shock after shock dealing with what they say and do! Great replies above. When the agents are there, I’d see if you can find time at the end to ask whether the Dr *was* obligated to call them, based on the whole interaction. If they say No, ask them to follow up and apprise him of that.
Best wishes, I’ve had my mom forget she ate but not be insistent about it if I tell her otherwise. Maybe leave the used plates and whatnot out for a lot longer!

It hurts when mom claims she hadn’t eaten all day. I had to learn to bite my tongue and not take it personally. There are also unexpected “grilled cheese sandwich days” which seem to take over. I witness 2-3 grilling episodes over the course of the day usually right after we have eaten. Instead of saying something I turn to gratitude- she is handling the need herself, she relishes the food, keeping her weight up and the A toasty smells stir a childhood memory.
At mealtimes, just the two of us, I set up two plates, encouraging her to help, and a smaller cereal bowl.
Later, when she begins to forage
for more food, the backup is ready in clear view— same spot on a uncluttered shelf in the refrigerator, next to her Diet Coke (which is another issue!).
Usually I have two choices always ready and wrapped with plastic - 1/2 sandwich, cottage cheese and yogurt, fancy oatmeal. For now, It gives me a gauge on
how and what she eats besides bread and cookies. When she is in a panic “I haven’t eaten” I can calmly direct her to the ready choices and I feel good that i already put the effort in.

Setup a video recorder and a sign with the time and date... save the videos for issues like you’er dealing with... my wife’s daughter accused me of the same thing... even went as far as posting it on Facebook... my son’s friend went to jail because his mother accused him of mistreatment... we need to keep written records of everything we do... if you have to go to court you will at least have documentation showing your actions...

Forgetting that one ate is commonplace for a person with dementia. Your physician may be going a little overboard by thinking he needs to report this to the state, but on the other hand he's trying to be most protective of his elderly patients. Get him to write a note saying that despite your mother's complaint, she does seem well-fed and healthy. You can show this to the person who visits you. (Just be glad your mom didn't complain that you were stealing her money! This would be a much harder issue to deal with.)

To answer your question but not the rest of your comment, feed her again.

The day will come when she will refuse to eat - I had that with my DH. And then he claimed I hadn't fed him. At first I would tell him that he ate - and then I mentally slapped myself upside my head - I could get him to eat when he thought he hadn't had anything to eat!! Worst case scenario was he'd have 2 meals instead of none.

Even his doctor and nurses thought I did the right thing by just fixing him another meal. Eventually he was down to drinking Ensure Plus for his meals and it didn't hurt to squeeze in another Ensure when he thought he hadn't eaten.

You are doing a wonderful job by caring for your mother in your home. Be sure that all of her paperwork is in order (POA for financial and medical affairs, will, etc. and be sure that you know her wishes about medical care, feeding tubes, etc.). Her dementia will not get better, and it could get much worse. Alas, people with dementia are not logical. Their minds go to a different place. You have to accept that they are not what they were. Focus on the love you have for her, and try to make her as comfortable as you can. You may want to keep a record of her weight as proof that she is being fed, although this may never come up again after this incident. In my mother's senior residence, they weigh her once a week and keep a log. At first, when she went to her residence she ate everything put in front of her and gained weight, but now with more advanced dementia she no longer feeds herself and has lost a lot of weight. I spoke about this with her doctor, and short of force-feeding her, which she would not want, there is nothing to do. Health officials also know that with dementia there are issues with eating.

I am not caregiving in my home. My mother is in a facility and my FIL is also. So I cannot speak to this but I can imagine it and it would drive me crazy. But of greater concern is that your mother knows to report you to the doctor essentially behind your back and he then questions you and feels this activates mandatory reporting. Why concern? Because what about the next thing. Clearly is she is not losing weight, she is eating. But what about when she falls and is bruised? Or won’t bathe and you have to be firm with her and then she reports that? To the doctor maybe, or to someone else and you again have a visit? There is a fine line here of course. Elderly people are abused by caregivers. So over watch is necessary. But there are instances where they act like children and lie just to do it with no understanding of repercussions. So yes, I would get a good understanding of what triggers mandatory reporting. I would guess there needs to be some sort of credibility threshold. If someone has not lost weight, then how could you be withholding food. If the doctor cannot figure this out, I would find another doctor. Also you don’t say if you are POA but if you are not, you need to have that done. Also you might consider neuropsych testing to confirm competency for her. Just to have your documentation in line. We all used to think if you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide, it will all be fine. But nowadays that might not be the case. I know I sound paranoid, but I would call it cautious.

My mom got that way too but if she said she was hungry I would give her something else to eat. Eventually she got where she did not eat or drink no matter what we put in front of her and you don't last long that way. I miss my mom.

I know that you love her but it would upset me too if she told the doctor that you did not feed her. I am glad that the doctor didn’t believe her and believed you. You could have a doctor that turned you into APS.

Were you afraid that he would report you?

Give her "healthy" items between meals.
Fruit, yogurt, cheese and crackers maybe, veggies and a dip.
Possibly break meals into 2 smaller meals so breakfast might be an egg and a slice of toast a few hours later another slice of toast with jam. Lunch might be a bowl of soup and a few hours later a sandwich.
One of the 2 things that happens with dementia is forgetting to eat or forgetting that you have eaten so one of 2 things happen a person does not eat simply because they forget to or they continuously eat because they forgot that they have already eaten.
I am surprised the doctor took the comment seriously given that he had examined her and found no signs of weight loss. But anyone in that profession is a Mandated Reporter of abuse and or neglect so I can see why the report was filed. (seeing both sides of the coin here folks)
When you do get a call or a knock on the door requesting a visit or a talk be open, honest with them.
I kept a log book almost like a daily journal when I was caring for my Husband. I wrote down how the shower went, what he had for breakfast lunch and dinner, "poop report" and anything that happened during the day. If you have something like that anyone can see that she is eating, what she had and when. (good to keep this info so you can catch any declines when it comes to swallowing, pocketing, choking and things like that)
Don't stress about a report that has no basis, worry about the ones that are true. And sadly there are probably more true reports than false!

I see some responses from posters giving you advice on "how and when to feed her" and I know that is not your issue.  Your issue is that her dementia is causing her to say things to the doctor that are untrue which is prompting an investigation by adult protective services.  That is absolutely HORRIBLE and one of my worst fears, because I know what crazy crap comes out of my mothers mouth and I don't know what I am going to do if she ever points it at me.  I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  If it were me, I would sit through ONE investigation and if they didn't get that she is being well taken care of and that this is the dementia "talking", I would place her in a nursing home or memory care unit and become her child again who visits frequently.  It is not worth the accusations and stress of it all.

My LO is in a nursing home, and other day I was at her room when she returned from the dining room from having lunch. My first question to her is what did you have for lunch? She instantly said I didn’t get lunch.
Cannot recall from just minutes earlier, and so I let it go. It’s awful when you really see how short term the memory really can get.
Sorry your mom thinks your not feeding her. I’m sure your a loving concerned daughter, and as much as you now have to deal with APS or whomever, I’d just continue to do what your doing. Things will work out, and your mom is very lucky to have you caring for her.

You could try giving her a small snack or something to drink and telling her that you will be starting to cook the next meal soon. Remember this will pass after awhile.

I worked with APS for years.  Hopefully, you will get a mature caseworker that will understand exactly what is going on.  We were required to talk to the reporter so the doctor will have a chance to tell the worker he does not think the accusation is true but had to report it.  Remain calm and cooperative and everything will be OK.

I had this problem with my dad too. Within a half hour after finishing a large meal (hadn’t even got the dishes from it done yet!) he’d ask me if he was going to get anything to eat! Had also called me into his room every five minutes or so while I was trying to get dinner cooked to ask if he was going to get anything to eat. This phase finally tapered off as did other phases he went through. I think you can be confident that this is pretty common in dementia and based on the evidence that your mom isn’t physically in bad shape I’m sure your caseworker will understand. It helped a lot to keep snacks on my dads tray and then when he’d ask again I could say “you still have a snack there to eat to hold you over till lunch/dinner”.

My stepfather was the opposite, never wanted to eat saying he just ate lunch lol. It’s the disease so if too much weight is a problem maybe give fresh veggies, a salad , or some dish you would have served with the last meal but held back. My mother is the opposite as well and never wants to eat except junk food. She’s bordering on malnutrition so needs nutrition. Her gastroenterologist just told me yesterday to let her graze if she refuses to go to meals ( in an ASF) but try to get her healthy calorie dense food if she’s going to just snack instead.

I saw the same thing happen with my husband's grandmother, who lived with my MIL. Drove my In-laws crazy and grandma was almost obese. Eventually she was
placed in a facility due to increased needs. YOU are the priority today!

You know, I just responded to another question how what happens that we are upset by has happened to others prior. So the MD is, like nurses, social workers and an increasing list of people a "mandated" reporter meaning they have to report the issue. In some cases that's a good thing, in others not. It's SO distressing because there you are doing your damn best and you wind up "reported." The workers from Adult Protective have seen it before; the laws are there to protect the vulnerable...I would put money on the fact that the MD has also shared he was doing his job and that in his opinion the patient is in excellent shape and has a caring daughter. If nothing else it will be an efficient visit probably by a nice worker who has empathy for you and maybe will share a few resources you didn't know about. HOWEVER, you might also be caught by surprise and I do believe you have some rights, as in they can't just barge into your home without your consent...but of course if you refuse...that will be documented. I hate this stuff. At my support group another good daughter and others would laugh because she told the story of being in the grocery with mom; mom got in front of the cart in the check out lane. Daughter inadvertently pushed cart a 1/2 inch forward, it bumped into Mom, and mom yelled STOP PUSHING ME! Or similar. So of course daughter imagined the worst..that another customer would see which car she was getting into and report her. We get so isolated being caregivers dealing with these issues...my only suggestion is if you have another family member or friend who can hang out with you so when they show up you have moral support. DO make sure you ask for ID, and it IS within your right to call the place and verify /confirm the identity of the worker before you let them in.