My MIL went into an assisted living facility Feb. 2022. My husband has much guilt & will not visit often. Any advice?

Oh, I’m sorry. My mother lives with me and has Dementia, so I understand. Guilt is not good and only keeps us from moving forward and keeps us at a place that’s unreasonable. He can’t take care of his mom and if he tried and she hurt herself, he would blame himself as well. He needs to see that the facility can take care of his moms needs and now he can be the son who visits and brings joy to her heart and himself by seeing that she is being taken care of. When my mom was staying with my aunt it was so awesome to visit her for the hour and spend time with her but not have to deal with the caretaking part because it was so stressful for me. I felt good giving her my time to just sit with her and she felt good too. Not visiting her is only going to perpetuate this guilt. Parents don’t like being told by their children but they do love too see and spend time with their children. When she cry’s at seeing him, just tell him to hug her and assure it’s okay and he will come back again. She is more like the child now and needs reassuring that it’s okay. He feels like a bad son because he’s avoiding her, if he visits with you, that may help support him, so he can be encouraging to his mom that everything is okay. If he’s having a hard time, then you can initiate the hug to her and say that you two will visit again. Try to keep conversation about maybe the flowers you bring her or a funny memory; just keep it light and keep re-directing. I’ll be praying for you, your husband and his mommas heart.

"he’s a stubborn man. 🙄"

Well we here shall do what councelling we can.. for you.. to maybe try out on his stubbornness!

The below article is more burnout but also explains the 'fix it mentality'. Maybe your DH has this?

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm

Jamk1505: Best of luck on the needed counseling if he's finally agreeable.

Try online counselling as a couple to deal with this issue. Tell him that you are struggling and need his support in this. Might want to say the counselling is for you - you need a little help with coping and he definitely does.

They have a toxic relationship. I can relate. Maybe look up "enmeshment" and see if that describes the relationship between your husband and his mother.

This type of relationship is groomed over a lifetime; and it sounds like your MIL has used guilt and histrionics to control her son. He may not be able to distinguish his feelings from his mother's feelings.

For instance: What if your MIL perked up and smiled and said that she was enjoying her new living arrangements and told your husband to LIVE. I'll just bet that it would be a boulder of guilt off his shoulders. The problem arises when he and his mother don't have healthy boundaries.

(I'm also enmeshed with my mother who lives with me. It took me over half a century to recognize and understand the dynamic between us and it's a daily struggle not to get drawn into HER emotions. I've read the book by Cloud and Townsend about Boundaries and it helped tremendously. But my mother will try to cross every boundary and I set. Plus, she has dementia and can't really distinguish that what she's doing is unhealthy.)

Peace and blessings.

Geriatric Psychologist: If you set up the appointment for both of you, then your husband will see that you're serious about getting help through this painful process..........it is painful for everyone and affects everyone. His guilt and anger may actually be fear. Seeing this happen to his mother may make him fearful that he will face the same fate. Going with him and participating in this process will help you face your fears and may help in making your relationship healthier. Relationships are complicated.

P.S. FaceTime Mom everyday and that will give her something to look forward too. You can give them some time together each day and you can step in to say hello and cheer her up. Husband will see that the placement is necessary, not punitive.

It was the hardest thing to put my Daddy in a group home. I had him in an assisted living but he was just not able to care for himself there and with me working and his SS and pension just did not cover the care he needed. I had to continue to work so I could pay for the professionals to care for him. Yes it was hard to see him like that but I have seen death I watched my grandmother die and I watched my Mama die. I knew he was not going to be here much longer. So I told the director I must be here when he goes and I must hold his hand. She agreed. When my Daddy did not get out of bed for a week. I was there everyday every hour. The director just let us be there. My siblings came and went and if they wanted to stay well we were allowed. We were not loud because of the other residents and we were respectful of the mask stuff because he died in 2021. But let me tell you I do feel guilt sometimes but I also tell me that I could not care for him. And now it's done I know I was there and he knows I was there I held his hand as he passed away and as best I could I sang his favorite hymn. So yes I feel guilt sometimes but I also feel great happiness that shadows that guilt because I know I did what needed to be done at the time it needed to be did. I would not change the decision I made, I would do it the same way with the same people if I had to do it all again.
Prayers for you and yours

A family member has a psychotic break this time last year. Not a senior a 30 something adult. It is terrifying to witness. In our case the delusions were leading to talk about killing. Once he was finally hospitalized and it took multiple interactions with the healthcare system and 4 police forces in 4 communities, the family needed time to decompress. It is exhausting, and for me was terrifying dealing with him before he went into the hospital.

I spoke with medical staff on a regular basis, but only spoke with my family member once during that time.

And I started counseling again in order to protect my own mental health.

OP for your husband, if he is going to visit his Mum, he has to put some boundaries in place. If Mum starts into him, he is allowed to leave. He should not have to go alone, he needs a buffer.

As far as warehousing her, he needs to reposition in his mind what is happening. Mum is in a place where she has access to professional care, care that you were not equipped to offer in your own home. You have your family home back without the shouting and chaos brought on by her behaviour.

It is funny there are many times in our youth when we spend time in group settings, yet few refer to warehousing of children. Daycare, preschool, school, residential private school, summer camps, university residences or dorms. Many of these are looked at as being beneficial to young people, giving them access to opportunities that they would not have if they stayed home all day. Yet when a senior is put into a setting where they get professional care, have access to daily activities to stimulate their minds and bodies, have medical staff on call, we use derogatory terms to describe the situation.

There can be a lot of shame and guilt involved, anytime a loved one needs to move to a higher level of care. It's ok to feel that way. Seeing her deteriorating at home and having "terrible arguments and shouting matches " must have been scary for all 3 of you, in different ways.
I read on this forum that guilt is often grief, in disguise.
It is so hard to lose the parent that you knew and watch that loved one become someone who has a damaged brain.
Asking about his feelings is likely to distress him, nobody likes to admit being ashamed for yelling at an old person OR the relief that she is no longer in your home. When she says she wants to go 'home", think of it as a wish to return to her own 'former self'. Not possible.
He may be most comfortable with very short visits, to start. Can he go with you to a visit, spend time alone in the car and read or go for a walk or whatever, and then go in to join you at the visit for the last 10 minutes or so? Then you both say your goodbyes and go along. That worked for my husband, when his mom was first placed in a nursing home.

Tell your husband, JUST GO. It will not make the situation any better by him not seeing his mom. He may regret not going one day. Of course, this is only my opinion.

I know the feeling of guilt. My dad had a Tia in June 2021 after having 2 brain bleeds and surgery in March 2021. He was in and out of the hospital and then finally in August the va called my sister and told her he needed long term care. Then the next day he had another episode. I felt so guilty about having to call 911 again because I knew he wasn’t going to come back home and he was going to be totally upset with me forever. Once he went back the nh where he had been going every time after one of these for rehab he started having memory problems (which I really think is because his brain never healed). It got really hard to pull up and go inside because you felt so bad for him being there and all he wanted to do is go home. Then it’s hard to leave because you know he just wants someone there with him. It kinda helped make me feel better because I would take him lunch and homemade g brownies and take him outside in his wheelchair. My sister did take him to her house. I don’t know if any of these things would help make your husband feel a little better or not it did me because it I think it made him feel like he was still connected.

p s it did get hard to pull up in the parking lot and know this is where he will spend the rest of his life and it was your fault. maybe there is some support groups he could join.

Would your husband hesitate to put his mother in the hospital if she had cancer, or some other illness? Well, this is the same thing! She has to go to Memory Care for the same reason.

In addition, he should visit for the sake of his mother. She needs someone to check in and advocate on her behalf. Placing your loved one in a facility does NOT mean just dropping them off, and forgetting about them. You visit for their sake.

Your husband needs some time to process his feelings about everything.
You say that they used to get into terrible arguments and yelling matches. Part of your husband's guilt is because he's relieved and even pleased that his mother is no longer living with the two of you. He likely feels guilty and ashamed because that's his mother and we are all conditioned to be loving and obedient to our parents no matter how they treat us. It's our fault if we don't obediently and joyously accept our elderly parents' terrible behavior. All too often when a parent gets placed they can be adjusting very well to their new environment and even making friends. The minute their kids visit they turn on the hysterics, negativity, and misery. That happens all the time. Many people limit the visits or stop them altogether for just this reason. They are not wrong.
Your DH needs to know that he is not alone and anyone who's ever had an elderly parent living with them who they had to place has had the same feelings about it your husband is having.
Tell him he didn't do anything wrong and he's not wrong if he can't visit her for a while. Tell him over and over again if you have to until it sticks. In the meantime you continue visiting her. Maybe in time your husband can start having short phone calls or Facetime visits with her while you're visiting her. That might help because this way he won't have to deal with her getting emotional or hysterical when it's time for her to go back to her room. This might help.

I agree with Tynagh. I'm always dismayed by the people who stay away using the guilt excuse or the "I can't bear to see him/her that way". Stop thinking of yourselves and start thinking of the person who needs the caregiving and the company. You are that persons lifeline - and you MUST be around to be their spokesperson and advocate. Go with your husband if he needs support, stay positive, help your MIL participate and make friends, and keep the atmosphere cheerful. Remember, you guys get to go home, she doesn't.

I think difficult tasks are often easier if you make them part of a routine, if you always visit every Sunday for a shared meal (for example) then there is less room for waffling and procrastination. It's probably easier in MIL as well because if she still has the capacity to remember she will know when he leaves that he'll be back next week.
And sharing a meal together is a piece of advice I always give to those who find visiting difficult, it takes some of the pressure of coming up with things to talk about away because there is always something to comment on in the dining room, and the end of the meal is an obvious time to kiss goodbye and leave.

The situation is sad and staying away isn't going to help as guilt for staying away builds upon grief and sadness for being unable to care for his mother at home until the end of life. But sometimes we just have to admit that the care they need is beyond our knowledge and abilities. Offer to go with him to visit, it's time for him to stop excusing himself, accept it is a sad situation, pull up those "big boy undies", and visit his mom. It won't be easy, but it's better than stewing over the unknown.

I can certainly relate. After supporting my sister from 20 miles away for many years, she transitioned to memory care in January. She resisted and blamed me and claimed we were locking her away. The best advice we got was from the social worker who said time will change the dynamic. When she was first placed, I tried to visit daily but that only upset me and allowed her to lash out frequently. For the past month I've limited visits to two short visits a week. Things are much better for her as she's gotten involved in activities and forgotten why she's been placed. We chat about family history and I avoid anything that chases us down the rabbit hole. Counseling and/or a support group can only help.

maybe just explain to him there are some conditions that can't be taken care of at home and if you both go together it would be better for both of them

Maybe it isn't guilt? I cared for my mom 24/7 for four years. She then went to memory care. I was absolutely exhausted and could not bring myself to visit often. She expressing she wanted to go home would have depressed me terribly, had me in tears. That would not have been good for either of us. In a sense it was grieving, but, mostly helplessness, and the best way for me to deal with it was not visit.

Don't try to add to his feelings of helplessness, if it is that. It may be a sense of failure that he just couldn't do it any longer, especially if he is one of those "I just have to fix it men". Maybe not counseling, maybe he would attend a caregiver support group if you went with him. In my area there is a group that is just for men which may be helpful.

I am afraid that you are just going to have to sit back and be patient. Have you thought about counseling for yourself to gather information and ideas to help him? Possibly to become couple's counseling to explore ways to support each other through this journey, whatever that may look like.

I understand your husband’s reaction to visiting his parents. I am becoming increasingly depressed over seeing my parents, as it breaks my heart seeing them. Every visit is watched by my youngest caregiving sister, every phone call listened to, and since mom is immobile and incontinent, barely able to sit up in her recliner, always slumped over, she always looks uncomfortable. I share what’s going on with our kids, life and try to be upbeat, but it’s tough. My parents are where they want to be, but I have internal guilt over not helping more. Ridiculous, since my help is unwanted.

I’m doing my best not to feel guilty that I visit less and less. They don’t seem to care if I see them, so it is my internal guilt feelings, and I need to let it go. I have told my sister if they want to see me, just call, and I call every week. They don’t ever call me or ask to see me, so my summer plans are to enjoy being healthy, enjoy summer cause we live in winter mostly, and do nothing to upset my caregiving sister, so when they do need help, she will ask for it.

I hope your husband will try to go see his parents. You both did your best to take care of mom. But her needs are too great. I will never open my door to my mom and dad, so if it doesn’t work out, until the end in their home, with the daughter that’s never left their home, I will feel no guilt. My parents did not care for their parents either. I love them very much, but what they ask of my youngest sister is so much, and they never asked me. Not my fault.

I put my mother in a memory care home against her will recently and feel the same way. I force myself to go once a week in spite of my mother's efforts to make me feel guilty about her being in a home. Counselling has helped a lot. I wish both of you the best, it will get better with time.

Jumpingj's advice is very sound. Visiting together is wise. Magazines with large photos are a great diversion. My husband loves the ones fromCornell Lab of Ornithology

Since he isn't comfortable going alone, could you go together? You already go 1 to 2 times a week, so why not just invite him along and gently encourage him to join you? Try bringing magazines, treats to share, and maybe a simple activity to do together to keep busy and to take off the pressure to have long conversations.

As Alva says, guilt is for felons. What he may be feeling is grief. Grief that despite everyone’s best efforts, his mom can’t be at home until the very end. Her condition got to be such that it takes a team of one on one people to manage her.