My MIL went into an assisted living facility Feb. 2022. My husband has much guilt & will not visit often. Any advice?

As Alva says, guilt is for felons. What he may be feeling is grief. Grief that despite everyone’s best efforts, his mom can’t be at home until the very end. Her condition got to be such that it takes a team of one on one people to manage her.

I put my mother in a memory care home against her will recently and feel the same way. I force myself to go once a week in spite of my mother's efforts to make me feel guilty about her being in a home. Counselling has helped a lot. I wish both of you the best, it will get better with time.

Since he isn't comfortable going alone, could you go together? You already go 1 to 2 times a week, so why not just invite him along and gently encourage him to join you? Try bringing magazines, treats to share, and maybe a simple activity to do together to keep busy and to take off the pressure to have long conversations.

A family member has a psychotic break this time last year. Not a senior a 30 something adult. It is terrifying to witness. In our case the delusions were leading to talk about killing. Once he was finally hospitalized and it took multiple interactions with the healthcare system and 4 police forces in 4 communities, the family needed time to decompress. It is exhausting, and for me was terrifying dealing with him before he went into the hospital.

I spoke with medical staff on a regular basis, but only spoke with my family member once during that time.

And I started counseling again in order to protect my own mental health.

OP for your husband, if he is going to visit his Mum, he has to put some boundaries in place. If Mum starts into him, he is allowed to leave. He should not have to go alone, he needs a buffer.

As far as warehousing her, he needs to reposition in his mind what is happening. Mum is in a place where she has access to professional care, care that you were not equipped to offer in your own home. You have your family home back without the shouting and chaos brought on by her behaviour.

It is funny there are many times in our youth when we spend time in group settings, yet few refer to warehousing of children. Daycare, preschool, school, residential private school, summer camps, university residences or dorms. Many of these are looked at as being beneficial to young people, giving them access to opportunities that they would not have if they stayed home all day. Yet when a senior is put into a setting where they get professional care, have access to daily activities to stimulate their minds and bodies, have medical staff on call, we use derogatory terms to describe the situation.

I can certainly relate. After supporting my sister from 20 miles away for many years, she transitioned to memory care in January. She resisted and blamed me and claimed we were locking her away. The best advice we got was from the social worker who said time will change the dynamic. When she was first placed, I tried to visit daily but that only upset me and allowed her to lash out frequently. For the past month I've limited visits to two short visits a week. Things are much better for her as she's gotten involved in activities and forgotten why she's been placed. We chat about family history and I avoid anything that chases us down the rabbit hole. Counseling and/or a support group can only help.

Maybe it isn't guilt? I cared for my mom 24/7 for four years. She then went to memory care. I was absolutely exhausted and could not bring myself to visit often. She expressing she wanted to go home would have depressed me terribly, had me in tears. That would not have been good for either of us. In a sense it was grieving, but, mostly helplessness, and the best way for me to deal with it was not visit.

Don't try to add to his feelings of helplessness, if it is that. It may be a sense of failure that he just couldn't do it any longer, especially if he is one of those "I just have to fix it men". Maybe not counseling, maybe he would attend a caregiver support group if you went with him. In my area there is a group that is just for men which may be helpful.

I am afraid that you are just going to have to sit back and be patient. Have you thought about counseling for yourself to gather information and ideas to help him? Possibly to become couple's counseling to explore ways to support each other through this journey, whatever that may look like.

Would your husband hesitate to put his mother in the hospital if she had cancer, or some other illness? Well, this is the same thing! She has to go to Memory Care for the same reason.

In addition, he should visit for the sake of his mother. She needs someone to check in and advocate on her behalf. Placing your loved one in a facility does NOT mean just dropping them off, and forgetting about them. You visit for their sake.

I agree with Tynagh. I'm always dismayed by the people who stay away using the guilt excuse or the "I can't bear to see him/her that way". Stop thinking of yourselves and start thinking of the person who needs the caregiving and the company. You are that persons lifeline - and you MUST be around to be their spokesperson and advocate. Go with your husband if he needs support, stay positive, help your MIL participate and make friends, and keep the atmosphere cheerful. Remember, you guys get to go home, she doesn't.

Tell your husband, JUST GO. It will not make the situation any better by him not seeing his mom. He may regret not going one day. Of course, this is only my opinion.

It was the hardest thing to put my Daddy in a group home. I had him in an assisted living but he was just not able to care for himself there and with me working and his SS and pension just did not cover the care he needed. I had to continue to work so I could pay for the professionals to care for him. Yes it was hard to see him like that but I have seen death I watched my grandmother die and I watched my Mama die. I knew he was not going to be here much longer. So I told the director I must be here when he goes and I must hold his hand. She agreed. When my Daddy did not get out of bed for a week. I was there everyday every hour. The director just let us be there. My siblings came and went and if they wanted to stay well we were allowed. We were not loud because of the other residents and we were respectful of the mask stuff because he died in 2021. But let me tell you I do feel guilt sometimes but I also tell me that I could not care for him. And now it's done I know I was there and he knows I was there I held his hand as he passed away and as best I could I sang his favorite hymn. So yes I feel guilt sometimes but I also feel great happiness that shadows that guilt because I know I did what needed to be done at the time it needed to be did. I would not change the decision I made, I would do it the same way with the same people if I had to do it all again.
Prayers for you and yours