My MIL is unhappy in assisted living and my husband wants to move her in with her to help! What do I do?

It sounds like hubby is suffering from guilt about placing mom where she doesn't want to be. If he wants to take her back to her home and care for her himself, let him. I agree with other posters who advise sitting down with him and going over what he will have to do and standing firm on you not taking any of the burden. You are dealing with your own mother. If he chooses to leave her in AL, he should visit once a day if it puts his mind at ease, but he should also turn that phone off and let the staff do their job and let mom do what she can do. He can use his daily visits to address any concerns or needs she has and explain to her he will not be answering calls anymore. If she has control of her mental faculties, it will take a little while for that message to get through. If not, then she should be examined by her doctor to determine if she needs additional care, maybe even being moved to a facility that deals with dementia. Good luck to you.

Food for thought,. I just read a story of a 92 yr old lady who passed this past Sat at the memory care in an AL .

The story is she was checked on at 12:30 am, was in the bathroom, then she made it outside, without the alarms going off, slipped and fell, couldn't get back in and was found at 6:30 am deceased.

May she RIP

I want to thank the people that responded to my post. It was comforting to know I am not a selfish individual! He has not thought these things through! I think I will guide us to counseling for dementia/ cognitive decline. My mother is also in assisted living and is just accepting the fact that she needs to be there. Having both moms in cognitive decline is basically mind blowing and extremely exhausting. My husband just retired and I’m working full time. It’s beginning to take a toll on me physically and mentally so I am going to seek counseling before things blow up! Thanks again everyone ❤️

MareMare222, one idea is to hire an Agency Caregiver to work one shift at the Assisted Living, if the facility will allow that.

When my Dad [95] was in a senior facility, they allowed him to bring along his caregiver who worked mainly in the mornings. Since Dad was just beginning his journey with dementia, this gave him a routine. Yes, it was expensive, Dad had saved for such "rainy days".

Regarding visiting Dad, I did start with daily visits, then slowly cut back on the days. I wanted Dad to be as independent as he could. Finally I would visit once a week when I was bringing over grocery items that he needed. He learned to settle in.

LOL

Huge mistake. He needs to be at least a little less available. When she needs something, he needs to tell her to call for a nurse if she truly is in need of help. At my mom's AL they have necklaces and pull strings in their apartments. If she's not disabled, he needs to nicely tell her to get up and get a blanket if she's cold. She needs to be more independent first of all. AL does not have staff to do silly things like this day in and day out. She needs to get out of her room and do stuff with the other residents. That's how she's going to get involved in her new world. Hubby should not go there to do a bunch of things for her but to visit when HE wants to visit. It's a rough adjustment but he has to let her learn to rely on the staff. He might want to talk to the staff and tell what's going on and what they can do and what they suggest for him.

And as far as for you, you should not offer much support for this crazy situation. Sure moral support for your husband and maybe go with him once or twice a month. Ask him to take you out to dinner instead of running to wipe his mommy's nose!

Best of luck.

Imho, you cannot stop him from this move, but you choose how to react. If you cannot live with his choice tell him so, then don't go backwards. Me, I would let him live with his choice without any support whatsoever. I understand his feelings of wanting to fix this situation but his mom can't be fixed. The only real solution is for him to change his reaction to her neediness. Placing her in AL was a great first step...let him know that! Blocking her phone is a good next step/take one call a day only. The next step is limiting visits to maybe once or twice a week. His reaction should be focused on NEXT STEPS not going backwards and wallowing with his mother. I wishe you clarity in seeing how you want to react to this.

Sit him down and ask him to think -- really think -- about how he'll feel about wiping #2 off his own mother's backside, because it has to be done EVERY DAY at least, and usually multiple times until you get it clean.
He'll also likely be wiping it off toilets, furniture, bedding, and anywhere else her bum lands.

Next, remind him that he'll be diapering a full-sized adult at least every two hours around the clock, and ask how he'll like carrying loaded diapers out to the trash.

Tell him that hiring a wiper won't work, because that's what he's already paying for and not using that service, so obviously he doesn't want to do that.

Next ask him how he feels about seeing his mother stark naked, because he'll need to bathe her, too. Explain about cleaning under fat folds (if applicable), saggy breasts, and of course the need to thoroughly wash the lady bits.

I think appealing to a man's sense of mortification might just be the ticket.

As an Italian-American, I have seen a lot of Momma's boys in my days... but your man takes the cake.

The only place he should be going is to marriage counseling with you. He has a very dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her, and he seems to know nothing about dementia (she's not crazy, her brain is broken by the disease). Please tell him he needs to choose you or her as the priority. He doesn't need to abandon his Mother, he just needs healthy boundaries and a therapist can help with this.

I am with Alva, let him take her to her home and let him care for her.

Before he does this make him aware that he will not be bringing her to your home after he finds out that he cannot care for Mom. You will not be caring for her in any way. Tell him by caring for her he will need to bathe her and clean her up after going to the bathroom. He cannot expect you to do it. Remind him of the reason she was placed in an AL in the first place. He will find out you are right , he cannot care for her, but he has to see he can't. So, let him do what he wants. Just make sure he understands he still supports you. That his Mom is going to need to pay her own way because he has a wife.

Your profile says ur MIL has a Dementia. This is probably the cause of her neediness and other things. Some of the things u can do if she stays in the AL. Get rid of her phone. She can't call if she does not have it. If your husband cannot do that then u ignore her calls. You shut your phone off at night. Easy if its a cell, u put it on Do Not Disturb. She needs to depend on staff for her needs. Your husband does her no good being at her beck and call.

Move into AL with her (won't that cost YOU a lot?) or move her back to her home that she hasn't sold yet? If she still has her home, I would tell him to take her back home for a couple weeks (do not move out of AL, just visit the old home) and stay with her 24/7. My guess is he won't last a full week with her.

All I can say is WOW! You think your MIL is crazy. I think your husband is too with what he's thinking.
There is no way in hell that he will be able to give her the care she requires, and I can only guess that he will try and recruit you to be his helper with her.
You both need to let her calls go to voicemail, and trust that if there's a true issue that the facility will call you. Your husband is enabling her bad behavior and until he stops being at her beck and call, nothing will change.
And there is no reason that he needs to visit every day. That too is a bit weird or should I say crazy? Once a week should be plenty, as that will allow her to get used to her surroundings and for her to get used to asking the people there for help instead of you guys.
If he insists on putting his mother over you, then you know what you must do, and that is calling a divorce lawyer.

And by all means let your husband read the answers to your question, as it may be quite eye opening for him.

I don't understand the snarky comments about the OP's husband moving into the AL with his mother, my understanding is that he wants to "take her to her home and take care of her 24/7"
OP, I hope that doesn't mean your home?

Yes, let him go. Do not enable this by helping; in fact, get an activity or a job or a volunteer thing where YOU have to show up for THEM and after that you are tired and in need of rest. He is going to have to try this, apparently to bring his mind to rest. It is clear that this is very very poor decision making, and I am not clear if that is the norm for hubby or not, but fighting him will make him more adamant and confused. Tell him that you understand he must try this for his own peace of mind, that you will not participate in it, and that you are willing to have marriage counseling help or suggest HE get help. There is little you can do here.

Yes, I would let him move in with her. In fact, I’d actually encourage it. I would say little to nothing to him and remain neutral about the whole thing.

When he comes to you seeking solace, keep remaining neutral. Don’t get involved and offer no help, just a listening ear.

Then I would live my life to the fullest while he was gone. Think of it as a vacation away from him where you only have to worry about you! If this causes a rift in your marriage, remember he created that rift by leaving his marriage.

We as women, don’t owe our in-laws a thing! If they were nice to us and treated us like their own children then out of the kindness of our hearts, we can provide care if we are doing it from the heart! No other reason then that since they are not our obligation at the end of the day.

My MIL didn’t wipe my as* or give me a bath as a baby therefore I don’t feel obligated to do the same for her. I have 0 guilt in this.

You move into her assisted living where there are people to take care of you day and night, and your husband moves in with mommy, where he will learn the true joy of caregiving.

Seriously, this is serious. Please remind me why staying married to this man is a good idea. ?????

Whats the point of her being in AL if she's hounding her son to death asking to get her every need met, paying for help she's not using? Does your husband not understand what the purpose of AL is??

If he's that interested in seeing to his mother's every wish by moving in with her and out of his own home, I'd say he's in need of some serious therapy. He's putting her needs and desires above his wife's and that's not a sign of a healthy marriage or a healthy mind. Let him move in with his mother and give him a timeline to make up his mind. Say one month. After 30 days of indentured servitude to his mother, he can decide if he's moving in with her permanently or if you're filing for divorce. It's funny to think that all the services and caregivers in AL weren't good enough for the Queen Mother, yet one sonny boy waiting on her at home WILL be? 😂🤣

Best of luck. I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a terrible position.

Lol he wants to move in with his mother in assisted living. Thanks for the laugh. Let him do it. You may find you like your life better without him around all the time.

He can do whatever he wants. He's an adult, I assume.

I would think that 4-5 days in and he'll be racing back home.

However, if he moves her out of her AL and finds he cannot handle the work of caring for her (and he will) you'd be starting all over again with finding an AL for her.

Your DH is spending too much time with mom. It's not healthy for him or your marriage. She probably hasn't acclimated to the AL yet and if he is there everyday, taking care of her, why would she make any effort to adapt?

He also needs to block her calls and take only one per day.

Or he can ruin his marriage and his life by giving it all away for his mother.

What do YOU do?

State your feelings and then give him emotional support, but let him know that he has to choose between a marriage and mom. Sadly, this very dynamic has taken many a marriage down with it.

It's not like your MIL is living alone and without help, she has a situation where she has 24/7 help, if needed, and she's using your DH as an 'extra' where she should be availing herself of all the people she's PAYING for AL help.

Has she been dxed with dementia or some kind of cognitive decline? Or is this just the dynamic that she and DH have always had? Sometimes, it's hard to know.

I do feel your pain. I have nothing to do with my MIL and my DH reminds me over and over how awful I am to have stepped away from any kind of caregiving for her. However, he does so little it barely registers, so, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.

Good Luck. I hope he sees a way to be a loving son, but a better husband.

If he does it it’s time for a divorce. Each castle can only have one queen. No incontinent person should ever be cared for by family under any circumstance.