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It's been a long few months. A battle that seems to be coming to an end. I myself feel quite sad about it, but I know my husband must feel devastated. His mom, only in her 40's is looking like she's about to leave this earth, no longer eating or drinking for the past 4 days from advanced cancer. He fought so hard, and so did she, to keep her and let her enjoy her first grandbabies, but she's tired now and ready to go. Understandably so, she's been bedridden and unable to have any quality of life. She can't really speak right now either.


It always worried me seeing him in emotional pain, and I am sad about that part about as much as seeing my MIL pass. She's always been so nice and loving, the best MIL ever. But I'm also worried about my husband and how he will take it. Death he confessed was never something he's been good with handling.


I didn't know the day would come this soon, but I always fretted in my mind how would I be able to help him cope, especially considering the deep love he has for his mom.


How are ways that I can be there for him and support him through the grief? I know I will have grief too, because she was my MIL who I dearly loved. It breaks my heart seeing him so sad.

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Pain and suffering builds character. Welcome to the real world.
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Ahmijoy Apr 4, 2019
Oh my God.! That is such a compassionless and cruel answer! What’s wrong with you?! I feel immeasurably sorry for someone as bitter as you. How sad your poor little life must be. Please be gone from this site.
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Findingmeagain: I am so sorry for your loss. I send deepest condolences.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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My condolences to you and your husband and the rest of the family for your loss.

Your pain is a testament to the love you felt for your dear MIL. Rest assured, she knew how much you cared for her. Yes, she was young but remember, she passed surrounded by love, something many, even much older than her, do not have.

I am glad that she suffers no more and remember, she now has a front row seat to the beautiful life you and your husband are building, she knows she is in your memory and in your heart.

With thoughts and prayers.
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Thank you all very much. My mother in love left this earth a few days ago. She is in no more pain. I feel happy for her but I'm still so sad. I miss her so much and wish she had the opportunity to enjoy her first grandbabies. They are twins at that. She loved them so much and always talked how she prayed to get better to help us and watch the babies she was so excited. That's what breaks my heart the most.

She was such a loving and giving selfless person. Though caregiving had its moments where I wanted to throw in the towel I wouldn't replace that time for the world. It was our gift to her. I'm happy she is no longer suffering but she left this world so young, just a few days after her 49th birthday. I'm glad with got to celebrate with her. It was like she was telling us goodbye. I did tell her things while her eyes were closed but now I think I wanted to tell her loads more of how much I love her.

My husband is doing pretty well for the most part. Yes there are tears and heartache. He loved his mom so much. We all have our moments but at this time I think I'm actually taking it the worse. I keep thinking about what could've been. I wish I could tell her more of how much she meant to me. Losing a mother at any age is tough but I feel she was so young. I thank you for your prayers. This is hard.
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Ahmijoy Apr 4, 2019
Sending you and your family hugs and prayers. It’s much easier to leave than to be left. You have much sympathy from our family here.
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Let our Lord, thy God comfort you in this time of need.

John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

Praying for you at most difficult of times.
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Every one here has great advice. Thomas S Monson said "I have learned that grief is the price we pay for loving some one-and that the price is worth it." I agree with him. I would never trade the love I have for my loved ones that have passed just so I wouldn't have to greave for them. It is time and patients that heal that kind of pain. Remind him that his mom will always be close to him no matter what happens. Love NEVER dies, that part of her will go on and on. Remind him that you too love his mom and that you will be there.
I pray that she will be at peace and when it is her time to go she can go knowing both of you will be OK
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I don’t know anyone who handles death well. There is no right way to grieve. Whatever works for the individual is what works. Short of violence to yourself or others.

My condolences to you and your husband. It sounds like at this point, there is only hugging and kissing and caring and reminiscing. Just caring and loving at this point there is nothing else you can “do”. May her pain end soon; not that I wish anymore pain on any of you, I hope you understand. God bless & much love & hugs
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Do your best to be there for him. It will be hard on you too. My husband has recently lost both a younger brother & younger sister to cancer both in their early-mid 50’s. He is the 2nd oldest of 6 and they also lost their eldest bother to complications from an accident 20 years ago. If has been like being in a fog for the last 3 years for both of us. Being there for each other is how you will work through it and hopefully be strong on the other side. Reach out to others for support, your friends can be your strength when you need support. Take time for yourselves, we all move forward at our own pace, don’t let anyone tell you that it’s going to get better and it’s time to get back to your old lives. Your old lives are over because there is a piece missing and you need time to be the new you and find your new normal. Missing that person will always be there, yes some days it won’t be a big a hole as others and there will be times when the loss and memory will knock you over. You are strong enough to walk through those days and together you will have your best support team.
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All good advice. If you're looking for something more concrete that may help, here are some suggestions... find a lovely picture frame for his favorite picture of his mother, designate a place in your yard or home to plant her favorite flower/tree/bush, donate to a charity she supported and do so in her name, make a small keepsake (wall hanging, quilt, pillow, or the like) from some of her favorite clothes (I did this for my daughter when her father died, and she loves it!), provide a journal for him to write about memories with her, or perhaps a gentle windchime to remind you of her love when you're outside. These are just a few suggestions. It doesn't have to be a major project; sometimes just small remembrances mean the most. I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray you will find comfort and strength during this difficult time.
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Reply to Marti1140
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You will be there and that is what is most important. You seem to be a bit stronger, so let him lean on you. I suggest you not try to make him happier through this, as it is important to let him feel his pain, see yours, and allow love to find a way through it. Very naturally humor and happiness will be restored as the memories become as much a part of your life as your dear mother-in-law is now. She will remain with you.
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Have you been invoked with hospice? They were great at helping my mother with the grieving process. It’s really different for everyone, partially depends on how prepared or at peace you are with their illness’s resolution. My mother was in total denial about my stepfather and they helped her. They had a grief counselor. If you haven’t contacted them, you still could
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My dad just passed away and my beloved is even more devastated than I am. I just try to listen and remind him how much joy he brought my dad these last few years. We had an informal memorial service, just a gathering at my sister's house with lots of food and family, where my dad's kids and my sweetie all gave little speeches about the things we loved about my dad and that helped us all a lot.

One thing I've thought a lot as all the remembrances have poured in about my dad from his former students and friends, is why don't we celebrate a person while they are still here to enjoy it?

While your MIL is still here, word has it that she can hear you and may be conscious of you even if she seems unconscious. This is an important time for your husband and you to say anything that you feel is still unsaid, maybe even write something down so you can tell your MIL how much you love her while she can still hear it. Peace and hugs to you and your husband during this time, you are supporting him just by being there.
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Just be there for him, and allow him to talk. Just listen. Sometimes he will be angry and even yell at you which is part of the grieving process until acceptance so you must be patient and do not take things personally. Remember it's easier to be angry than to cry. Expect a lot of anger and guilt..but it's part of the grieving process and is normal. That's really the best thing you can do for your loved one--just be there and *listen*.
Elisabeth Kubler Ross's five stages of grief is very true
https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
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Reply to cetude
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You sound like a very supportive and loving wife. Grieving is a very individual thing and it comes and goes in waves. I lost my mother when I was 36 and my ex spouse was not a warm person and didn’t do much to help me. Like just hold me and hug me while I cried. So just be there. Tell him how you loved her. The worse thing a person can do to anyone who has lost someone is to avoid talking about the deceased LO being afraid it will make them sad. Guess what..they are already sad. Talk about her..bring up things you loved, good memories or ask him to talk about her. Men have a harder time with expressing emotions but let him and listen with sincerity and kindness. My condolences to you both.
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A grief counsellor pointed out to me that everyone grieves at their own rate and in their own time. You and your husband may well grieve with different rates of intensity and at different times. There are a lot of books on grief management; and you might find it helpful to look in a bookshop or at Amazon and see if there is something that might be helpful. My experience is that talking to others about your grief, as well as listening to others who have grieved can be helpful. You might also consider visiting a grief counsellor locally to help guide you and your husband through grief. That would not be a sign of weakness, but rather of courage, because you would be facing, rather than denying, rhe difficulty of how best to grieve.

My wife, now nine years into Alzheimer's is still at home with me, but increasingly not able to live as she (and I) would wish. There is a saying that with Alzheimer's the caregiver begins to grieve and cry long before the person dies. In a sense, one is grieving for the loss of the dying person as they once were, as they will not be, and because they are dying. There are many forms of grief; and you and your husband have every right to find and experience the grief that is right for each of you. However, it might not be helpful for each of you to be the major support for each other, because the ways you are grieving might be different, given your different memories and experiences of your mother-in-law/ his mother.

My prayers and hopes for you both.
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cetude Apr 2, 2019
death is death..so there is no way to prepare for it even with something as slow and lingering as Alzheimer's disease. My mom had Alzheimer's for 10 years (actually affected by it for the last 20 years) and the last five were severe..the last couple of years were really bad. But I know when mom dies I'll be traumatized because death is so final and you will never see them again for all eternity, or their smile. I have hair clippings and keep them in a jar -- when she dies at least that much I'll have.
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Be supportive. I know how this feels to have a Loved One die of this awful Disease.
God Bless...Just know God is Here, dear.....
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Reply to Parise
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Is Mom on Hospice? If not, now is the time. They will keep her comfortable and pain free. They also have grief counseling. My Mom was 89 so easier to let go. Your MIL is so young and you must be too.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Your husband will show you how he needs you. Just listen and care like you always have.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband's loss.
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Reply to Gershun
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Good advice from Ahmijoy. There are no magic wands. Just be there. You are allowed to cry too, so he knows that you care as well.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I’m so sorry. I was close to my MIL at the end too, after a less than loving relationship for years. We’d just gotten close and then she passed.

Let your husband dictate what he needs. Let him cry and talk about her. Just listen. He may turn inward for a while, but don’t take it personally. Just be there for each other.
(((Hugs)))
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