My MIL is in a full-time care facility and continually asks for a phone. Any advice?

Well.... We did the cell phone thing and had similar results to what you had: burning through minutes, believing the phone was out of minutes when it was not out of minutes, believing the phone was broken when it was in perfect working order, forgetting to charge the phone, and generally forgetting how to use the phone. She was so convincing that another family member purchased a NEW cell phone for her - which brought forth the same results. We just stopped dealing with the cell phones completely and I'm sure somewhere in her nursing home room there are two dead cell phones - which will remain that way. She does have a landline in her room & she's a little better with that, but she does still (at times) complain it's not working or whatever. She does manage to successfully call me on it, so I know she does have the ability to use it. She's pretty good about not calling at all hours of the day/night. However, she did use the phone to actually file a complaint with the state against the facility she lives in! I was floored. It's a lovely facility & they do everything she needs - plus a little bit more! Yes, she called from her room to a state ombudsman to complain about the facility - and then she called me to let me know she'd done it. We let the facility know she did this & I now have the task of contacting the state to find out who the complaint went to (if it truly went anywhere) and try to stop the "investigation" that Mom says is coming. The facility does not need to be investigated. Period. However, she will continue to call if no investigation takes place. to answer your question, if she continues this behavior of filing unfounded complaints, I will remove the phone from her room and I don't care if she likes it or not. I can't have her wasting people's time and/or alienating the staff at the facility she's in. My best advice for you will be to please try it and see how MIL does. If she can't handle it for any reason or it causes her more agitation to have one than to not have one, you'll need to take it away. Just let the staff know if you remove it because MIL will try to report it stolen....

Put your phones on do not disturb. She can call you all you want, but you will not hear it. You can put the nursing staff's number into your favorites and they will need to call you twice and it will ring through!!! Explain the the staff what you are doing so they know what is going on. There are phone plans with unlimited minutes. I do believe you can also use parental controls on the phone to only allow the phone to work during the day. Ignore the calls during the day. Set a specific time to call her daily. Remind her that you do have a job and / or other things to take care of and do NOT make a special trip to the facility to fix her phone issues. I have set her phone to only work during the day. If I am busy, I do not answer.

The beauty of the video idea (if you mean the Amazon Show) is that she doesn't need any tech ability for it. Doesn't ever need to touch it even. My mom has a terrible time figuring out the cell phone too, though she is able to use the Favorites to call the 3 people she needs to call and she is able to answer our calls to her but not able to answer a Face Time call, swiping is a problem both to do and to not due (don't ask), hehehe...of topic how frustrating is it that Apple keeps changing the basics when your dealing with aphasia/brain injury!!!...Back on track now. You can probably use one of the picture handsets with a VOIP service if your liking that option. You might be able to add restrictions on what numbers can be called too either through the VOIP service or the handset (I'm not familiar with the type people have suggested so can't speak about what other calling features they offer). But whatever the method if you set something up that only allows calls to go out to a few numbers so she isn't making call after call to strangers you might be able to have all other numbers dialed go to a number that you control (a Google # for instance) that get's her through to a voice mail at least so she doesn't think the phone is broken, she's just leaving messages without the a phone ringing somewhere all day and night. Also you may be talking about these and I'm just not understanding that part but I think there may be some of those pre-paid plan cell phones, meant for elderly or kids, that have the 2 or 3 outgoing numbers only, with bigger individual buttons making it simple to use, I think. I haven't looked at them closely but seems like I've noticed basic cell phones like this on the AARP site and or Amazon (I do use them a lot don't I...), it might be worth checking out. I don't think we can expect her generation to be comfortable with today's smart phones even if they were tech savvy at some point in their lives, it just isn't something they used enough during their lives or was even thought of in their youth (which is the time that most often seems to create the second nature function we seem to revert to as our dexterity and minds deteriorate) but your right it sure has offered some of that comic relief in our family as well. ;) If you ask my son I'm not very tech savvy either and far too slow! I take solace though in the fact that my husband is far worse. Hehehehe

Thank you all for your suggestions and sharing your own experiences. She is lucid enough to know the difference between a real and a toy phone so that's not an option. The picture phone that several of you mentioned was my first choice until I found out there are no landlines in rooms. She is now bedridden so going to use the house phone is not an option. Our names and numbers were programmed into the cell phones (plural) that she's had, but she just can't remember how to use the phone and she uses all the minutes in one day calling random numbers. She is not tech savvy at all, to the point that we always changed her lightbulbs, batteries, etc. Her lucidity is in and out. She'll ask how her grandkids are doing, then she'll tell us how her dog made the best yogurt. I think the humor is what keeps us sane. 😊Again, thank you all for your responses. Going to look into the video idea (may be above her tech ability) and the VOIP- type phone.

With regards to telephone and mail solicitations, I got my local attorney general involved for one charitable organization that went too far asking for money. I also wrote three organizations that were soliciting monthly and asked them to stop. They did. Fortunately, Dad is hard of hearing and many of these folk talk so fast, he just hangs up on them.

Cell phones and cordless phones have never been intuitive to the generation that grew up with rotary dial phones. I just purchased a picture telephone with big buttons, a louder ring and better clarity for my father, as he forgets our names and the abbreviated telephone list is too hard for him to reconcile. All he will have to do is press the picture. Mostly he calls me all the time when he is alone and not sure what to do with himself. I will sometimes find the cordless phone off the cradle and today he says it's broken even though he called me on it.

Muthrof3--By posting your question here and asking our group, you ARE "doing something" and "looking into it" for your MIL!

WE told my husband's mother that the phone was in her pocket and was washed with her clothes. She has forgotten about it now. Only took a month or so. When she shows us the ads from AARP magazine, we tell her we will look into it, but of course, never do.

Lymie61 - Very good point I had forgotten. A bit off topic ...Three years ago when Mom and Dad first moved in with me, she had a cell phone that she knew how to use. Then she started to get a lot of solicitations for money, and it became clear that she couldn't tell if the person was legitimate or not. One particular university was very aggressive about fund raising (framing it all as friendship). I finally had to call and tell them to stop calling. I even had to change the number so none of these "friends" could reach her. But I also had to isolate her from her mail as well. Once I did that they started sending email requests for money - I had to cut that out too, and in desperation they started sending her snail mail with notes to the effect of: if you come to Los Angeles, we can pick you up and stay at your home with you while you potter around. Imagine!

Lymie61 - Very good point I had forgotten. A bit off topic ...Three years ago when Mom and Dad first moved in with me, she had a cell phone that she knew how to use. Then she started to get a lot of solicitations for money, and it became clear that she couldn't tell if the person was legitimate or not. One particular university was very aggressive about fund raising (framing it all as friendship). I finally had to call and tell them to stop calling. I even had to change the number so none of these "friends" could reach her. But I also had to isolate her from her mail as well. Once I did that they started sending email requests for money - I had to cut that out too, and in desperation they started sending her snail mail with notes to the effect of: if you come to Los Angeles, we can pick you up and stay at your home with you while you potter around. Imagine!

My mom rarely called anyone, seems she couldn't remember anyone's number but mine. In the care home she broke their phone buttons trying to call my brother, whose number she couldn't remember. They just kept telling her the phone was broken, then re-direct her focus.
Best of luck, lots of good advice here.

It depends on how aware she is but a pretend phone - a brightly coloured one from a toy store - is a possibility. This will give her a sense of control over her surroundings and stimulation of pushing buttons & colour, easily replaced. you can sometimes pre record a voice message from yourself on these too. I would love to invent one where each number has a pre-recorded message from a different family member - just for comfort.

My father went through a period of asking for a cellphone. In his case, he was lucid but his tremor and vision issues would make a cell phone difficult to use. He felt the need to reach me in the event he was experiencing a problem. I was his advocate. Eventually, the nursing home set up his phone so that he could call me. Calling me was long distance. A label was made with my landline number on it. That mostly worked pretty well until he started calling in the middle of the night. After 11 pm, I would turn off the ringer but keep my cell phone on. The facility knew to call my cell phone in the case of an emergency. I was able to advocate for him on occasion when he needed assistance and no one had arrived bedside. (Just know that I would keep track of the duration of the phone call to know that after a 30 minute wait, it was time to intervene, for example. Most of the time, I helped him advocate for himself.) This system worked very well. For my mom, we provided a phone with large numbers that could have pre-sets. They were all set with my number. She rarely called, but felt comforted by the fact that she could. For dad the phone was a lifeline, because he was quite sharp cognitively and loved interesting conversations and learning new things. For mom, her condition made it difficult to remember things, but I think she found comfort in hearing my voice and being read short poems and small memoir passages or recalling her old favorite songs or actors/actresses of the golden Hollywood era.

Would the NH allow those of you that have phones in your loved ones NH Room a private landline through the phone company that does necessitate dialing a 9 to get an outside line? I ask as in WV the phone company can setup a feature where it pulls up an operator if the system finds attempts to make phone calls where they made a mistake and it would no place the call. A friend had a mother that was legally blind and she constantly kept having trouble placing phone calls. The phone company added this feature as she was legally blind and the operator would come in the line and somehow would place the call. I am not sure if the family gave the phone company a list if phone numbers or what, but it worked well when the technology was turned on.

Bob

we got mom this phone: www.amazon.com/Future-Call-FC-1007-Picture-Phone/dp/B00INR388I/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526668503&sr=8-1&keywords=photo+telephone
You can program the numbers and the only people she can call are the pictures

It's difficult when a person with dementia is fixated on something. But you answer your own question when you say she got frustrated with using a cell phone, couldn't remember how to use it, or used it inappropriately. It sounds like the idea of having a phone provides some kind of security for her, but it's not functional and, although her reasoning makes sense to her, it's not rational. Re-directing her when she asks is a good strategy and your response is spot on.

I like the "scam" suggestion. My mom has been scammed enough in the past that she understands and would respond to that. My mom's problem is thinking that it's 4:30 pm and calling me when it's really 4:30 am. I bought her a really good clock that not only shows the time, day, date, am/pm, etc. but ALSO shows "night", "afternoon", "morning", etc. Somehow she ignores that.

Lymie61:

Excellent post:

You wrote: [ "The fact that she is persistent about this and doesn't seem to forget about it from one visit to the next indicates to me that she must have some lucidity and be present often during the day.

With that in mind, if the problem is how often she calls and how many people she calls for no real reason and at all times of the day and night, would just having the ability to use a phone passify her?

Would a realistic toy phone be enough? " ]

Lymie61

I agree with all your points. I also have question marks about whether a toy phone would be the solution.

If she has some lucidity, this is infantalizing the poor woman and it is a form of abuse.

The Amazon show phone sounds like the perfect solution.

All she needs is family members that are tech savvy enough to set it up.

Again, your post is both intelligent and sensitive.

So many good ideas here but such varied ones because we all come at this question differently. There are various reasons for being torn about giving our loved one a phone and I'm not sure which is your main roadblock. The fact that she is persistent about this and doesn't seem to forget about it from one visit to the next indicates to me that she must have some lucidity and be present often during the day. With that in mind, if the problem is how often she calls and how many people she calls for no real reason and at all times of the day and night, would just having the ability to use a phone passafy her? Would a realistic toy phone be enough? How about a phone that calls a number and gets voicemail? Would she be frustrated by never getting an actual conversation? You can easily set up a Google phone number for free that rings somewhere if you want or just get's answered with VM that you can then listen to or not. There are several options, any VOIP like Ooma (I used Ooma for years), landline units made for elderly, cell service and or handsets made for elderly or kids that will allow you to set up specific numbers it will call out to so while she can dial any number she wants she can't actually place a call to numbers not set up for it, protecting everyone. I'm not sure but seems to me you can set this up on a Iphone too with the kid features.
You mention she wants a cell phone, at least I think it was OP... is the type, cell or landline an issue? If the facility doesn't have landline access the VOIP idea is a great way around that. If she is insisting on cell the spotty or lack of service/reception there at the facility is a good excuse. You might need to have "issues" when you get or make calls from your cell on occasion and if she says so and so seems to use theirs fine you can always explain it's a different carrier and it's far too expensive to get service just for her (you would add a phone to yours for her) or switch your plan. Maybe yours is the only one that works at your house or somewhere else you need to have a phone. If you do set something up for her maybe calling her or letting her call get through to you every so often when convenient would be a good thing just having these other things in place so it's on your terms and not her delusions. I don't know if it has any place for your situation but we have an Amazon Echo Show set up at my mom's and it has been great! It has a screen and facilitates video calls basically but she doesn't have to do anything to answer it or call us (if she could say the words, she can't) and we wouldn't need to either if we had one of the Echo devices (we use our phones), it really is just like "dropping in" on her for a visit. She loves it too, we were a bit concerned that once she understood that it kind of takes away some of her privacy she might not be so wild about it but given your mom is in a facility that may not even be as much of a consideration. There are ways to not accept the drop in so you are covered at home should you set this up so your mom can drop in on you too. You can even set hours and set different hours for different people but I'm getting away from the basics, only the people you approve have access to you and maybe seeing you more often or feeling like she has that access to you, she can kind of be a part of your household again, without you having to go in for a visit would help some of her fears and need to have contact with you. I know it's all part of the disease process and their minds deteriorating but I often think that part of this type of behavior is rooted in the separation, change of surroundings and lack of control over where they are, what they can do and who is caring for them. When they have a delusion maybe being able to see a loved one they trust and talk it through with them at that moment would help to bring them back to present or at least not be as scared. Maybe having the ability to see you and or be "around" while you make dinner will help them feel more in control and less left out for lack of a better explanation. I know it isn't going to eliminate it all but perhaps it can help, I know it helps me to know I can check in on mom visually when I can't get her on the phone or am concerned for some other reason. Maybe telling your mom you can check in while shes sleeping to catch any thief or night visitors will help her fear. We set up the Show in Mom's hospital room last time she was there and it not only allowed us to be there when doctors came around but she really liked just knowing I was there, I just left the link open while she fell asleep or we watched TV together, she didn't need to talk or visit just the feeling I was there. Maybe just knowing she has a connection to the outside world would help ease your mom's need for a phone. Who knows maybe being able to pop in and check on the dog home alone while your at work would give her enough purpose and chore to not be board which I think can also play a part in these phone call obsessions. Good luck!

My Dad was living independently and over the last 5 months had more and more trouble with his phones-both the landline and his flip phone.
He is in a nursing home now with dx of vascular dementia. We did not take his cell phone as he couldn’t figure it out. He has a phone in his room, but he can’t figure it out either. He insists he has to dial 6, my sister even showed him it worked by just dialing the number. But he argued with her, got nasty about it, so we just told him to ask the staff to dial the numbers for him. When he dials he is also transposing or adding numbers.
We just stopped talking about it, and just said to ask the staff to dial the phone for him. We just keep telling him how helpful the staff is, and they want him to be happy.
In a three week span of time, he seems to have forgotten about having a cell phone.

My Mom lives with me. I got her a separate landline for her, which, with Comcast, runs an extra ten dollars a month on my plan. I bought her a basic trimline-type of wall-mounted phone with bigger than normal numbers from Amazon. It looked cheaper in real life than on the computer photos! But it works. It's just that we had to unplug it from the wall because she kept getting sales calls and other "wrong numbers". The ring sounded like a police whistle, too - very loud. Now it's just for outgoing calls. Fortunately, she doesn't want to call that often. And I think just seeing it on the wall makes her feel a little safer. I sympathize with your dilemma. Dementia is such a cruel disease - there is probably nothing that will really work, phone-wise, with dementia.

Not a good idea to get her a phone even if you pre-program it. Even a locked phone can dial 911. That could be a problem. I agree with the person who said to get her a toy phone that looks real, or you could get her a cheap tablet that is not connected to the internet and tell her it's a new-fangled phone.

Muthrof3:

To add, if your mother is totally incompetent and this has been verified.....then then the toy phone and play money may suffice, without exposing you to undue influence charges down the road.

If you mother has not been declared incompetent and is only partially impaired with moments of lucidity, you will be exposing yourself to undue influence charges by withholding the phone.

Buy her a really cheap prepaid phone. My mother always lost hers, couldn't figure out how to answer it - but she likes having it. She's lost a bunch of them.

Hi. Do they have a house phone she can receive calls on? We had the I need a phone issue and didn’t get the folks one for all the reasons others have mentioned. I make sure to call the facility and speak to the folks daily on the house phone and I gave that number to the people the folks knew and asked the friends and family to call folks to keep them connected to outside world. Option 2. Give the folks an old cell phone or pick up a phone at a thrift store to plug in. Since it won’t work and it won’t matter if it’s lost, just having it, may be enough to placate your loved one. From my experience, when diversion doesn’t work, simulating sometimes does. I did this with credit cards( gave them one I had to cancel because they lost that credit card), play money in a wallet because they had to have money. Old keys to carry( real ones kept “getting stolen”, and the list goes on. Such a sad situation when the folks can’t remember how to dress themselves, but have OCD when it comes to wanting something and won’t let up asking for it or demanding it. It’s exhausting on the caretakers.

My mom was the same way. She wanted a phone, and that is all I heard when I went to visit her. Finally, I told her that there is no reception in the area, and she could not use a cell phone, and a landline is too expensive. Also, I told her there were a lot of scams out there that would be able to get access to her bank accounts. Just be creative, if you give in on the phone issue, when it comes time to take away the phone, it will be twice as hard. Best wishes.

Hi muthrof3...I am not sure what the answer is but the look alike toy phone sounds like a good idea. I deal with something similar but my honey's issue is not from memory issues. My honey had strokes about 13 years ago and he has a tendency to fixated on something he wants or something he feels needs to be done and it is like tunnel vision. Sometimes I can sidetrack him, but other times it does not work. He gets very angry when he does not get what ever it is that he wants or whatever he wants done is not done as fast as he thinks it should be. He is getting better about it though. When I was caring for him at home, he could not stand to see me sit for 5 minutes. We finally had a talk about it and he eased up a little. Don't know if it is because I have spoiled him so much or from the strokes. Since he has been in the hospital I have finally been able to get a little rest. I agree, with all you have said I would not get her another phone at this time. Try sidetracking her.

Tperri123 wrote: ["the phone company offers a phone with pictures of family members on it so all your Mom would have to do is hit the picture to put her call through. I don't think there are numbers that she would have to call. Hope this helps."]

This is an excellent idea as are the ideas for the phone with child controls.

There are some caregivers who refuse a phone to an elderly person as a way to exert control and prevent them from calling other family members.

Also, if a person has POA, the fact that you refused your mother a phone, can cause a case for undue influence and self-dealing to be brought against the POA.

Use her money to pay for any stray phone calls. But, again, if you use the child controls you can control the numbers she is able to dial.

People with Alzheimers or dementia do often have moments of lucidity.

It seems odd that someone would want to deny their parent the ability to reach out to other family members, when a child control phone is available to limit charges.

I am from California and I don't know where you are from but in our State, the phone company offers a phone with pictures of family members on it so all your Mom would have to do is hit the picture to put her call through. I don't think there are numbers that she would have to call. Hope this helps.

Why can't you give her a not working phone, even a landline with the cord that's tucked into the dresser or no cord. Or a non working cell phone. She didn't tell you it had to be a working phone. We are all trying to be the best lest stress gets us caregivers.