My marriage is about to end; am I being selfish?

The OP hasn't returned since July 25. I wonder what happened. Did she move out?

Why did you let her move in? Having different views is normal and life does change. If you choose different paths you either work out how they can meet or go separate ways. Perhaps you could stay married and live separately. Go get yourself a great apartment and see him for dates.

Wow!! What a mommas boy he is. She could easily live to be 100 years old. How is the romance going with all those baby monitors in your bedroom when there isn’t even a baby in the house? She comes first, not you. You are getting ready to retire. If I were you, I would retire by myself!!!!

So if this were a sick child or if he had a health issue, would you still leave the marriage. The vows are for better or worse in sickness and health. I know my mother living with us is not easy for my husband and I, but we are working it out. He has his own time with the guys and we make time for us. the last 2 months have been very stressful, but we are working through this together. we are working on a MIL suite addition for mom and I am trying to figure out her HHA needs and may increase from 4 up to 8 hr / day morning and evening to allow more time for my hubby and I to spend together.

You are not being selfish and your husband does have options. He can find an assisted living community for her. He can bring in outside help in your home. She can go to adult day care or respite care to give the two of you a break.

I’m sorry your going through this difficult situation. I don’t think your being selfish I think your husband is consumed with his mother’s care and needs. He has put you & your marriage last. He needs to realize his mother will pass soon. He will be alone. It won’t hit him until your both out of his life. Your his wife and you have to come first or feel as though your on the top of his priorities. You deserve to live your life in peace and happiness. If he can’t see this is destroying your marriage he needs counseling and help. He probably feels guilt putting her in a home. He should have hired staff. It’s tough because your stuck in the middle and when a son or daughter are too close to the aging parent it can be unhealthy. It will be difficult to get him to see your point of view. He probably makes you feel selfish but he is being selfish. Seek out other family members to help? If you pray pray on it and ask for guidance or seek out a Pastor for advice.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation- a brother-in-law with Downes syndrome who moved into their small apartment when her husband's mother died. Intimacy- gone; activities alone- gone; feeling unimportant, selfish, extraneous, zapped of energy, depressed, stressed- dominant feelings. She eventually left him and they both had to make their own life (imagine the extra expense). A couple years later they managed to get back together, found new options- a care-taker, a nearby separate apartment for b.i.l. New-found commitment to themselves and each other. It's a difficult situation, one wants to do everything they can, and often feels obligated to, but at what cost? What is his commitment to his own life and to his wife? For better and for worse doesn't mean it has to be bad. The advantage of being a team is using your collective intelligence and resources to find a solution that works for ALL. You are right not to sacrifice your life at this point but your husband needs a real wake-up call to do the same. Love does not mean you have to kill yourself, only get the situation handled. Many options, as previously mentioned. Important that he knows you are commited to him and your relationship, and keeping it healthy means not becoming drudges and slaves.

I'm sorry to hear things are not going well. One answer you could use right back at him when he attempts to guilt and shame your compliance by quoting your wedding vows that he also promised to honor you, forsaking all others....And a man shall leave his mother and father, hold fast his wife and the two shall become one. Has anyone spoken with him about what happens with a person that has dementia and what an ugly, unforgiving, devastating disease it is? Maybe if her physician could explain to him that it is actually kinder to find a good memory care facility for her now so she can acclimate herself to it and become familiar with the facility and caregivers while she still has some of her cognitive abilities so she is not afraid if he needs to have her placed at a later date because she needs more help medically than he can do. Is he prepared for when it gets really bad? When she doesn't know where she is, who he is, when she forgets how to walk, talk, chew or swallow? This is a bad situation for all 3 of you. Sometimes when going to counseling the first therapist is not a good fit for you. If you felt encouraged to return and that it was a waste of time you had the wrong person attempting to help the two of you. Caring for my MIL in my home caused the greatest amount of stress in our married lives, we survived it, barely, but we've also been together for 40 years, it wasn't easy.

Hubby is right...."things happen in life" and I assume that when you married and moved to FL, MIL living with you was not in anyone's mind. I wonder if the situation were reversed how much would he tolerate your parent living with you. Of course, there is really no way to tell because I'm sure he will say it would be fine since it is a theoretical situation only.

I'm new to this thread so I don't know where you stand after all this good advice from forum members but...... have you broached the subject of a continumum of care retirement with your husband in regard to your MIL?. A CCRC is generally has an expensive once time entrance fee but as your LO's needs increase, they simply move to a higher care state on the same campus. If finances are not a problem, perhaps your husband might consider one of these for his Mom. Most all CCRC's now have secured Memory Care (MC) units. I mention it because money doesn't seem to be an issue, it may be some form of guilt (in addition of love) that is motivating hubby to put his relationship with you on the altar of caregiving. CCRCs often "look" better (i.e. baby grand pianos and chandeliers in the lobby) to prospective family members than Nursing homes; I can't tell you how many families would come to the NH I worked at and protest about placing Mom in our facility but were guiltless and happy to place her in the CCRC down the street. Had very little to do with the care provided - it was the fact that they felt that they were walking into a five star hotel when they entered and so "they" felt better. Had very little to do with Mom's feelings when I considered it. It's just a suggestion for you to try if you haven't done so already (I'd do some scouting and present a few facilities for him to consider before I even broached the subject with him)

Unfortunately, I'm more familiar with facilities in NJ so you may have to do your own research. Now yes you want them to look nice but check out their skilled nursing /rehab ratings (just in case MIL ever needs that) on the medicare.gov site. Should you and hubby agree on a CCRC (but only after several visits, a test meal and review of activities for those in memory care) secure a written copy of the contract and have it thoroughly reviewed by your attorney before signing it!!
Good luck to all of you but know that life does go on and can be good even without him if it comes to that.

Why, why, o why do people seem to feel they are obligated to live with an ill person in order to show truelove for them? ? Logically, everyone should try if at all possible to maintain seperate households.There are some very excellent assisted living facilities in almost every area. Such facilities do monitor their residents day and night. They have night shifts and day shifts of competent people.Only if finances make it absolutely impossible to do otherwise should any of us agree to live with a mentally ill person neither in our home nor in their's. This is not to say no loving child should ever live with his or or elderly parents. There are some very loving and happy such arrangements.However, when dementia is involved, it can sometimes be impossible.It would certainly seem that this 65 year old woman ahould be able to lovingly encourage her husband to carefully look for a good facility to care for his mother nearby so that he could visit her daily.People should live together only if it is desireable for both parties; not perfect because nothing in this world is perfect, but agreeable for all.Combining two households is usually never a good idea even though it works very well for some.I know a 65 y year old widower who really enjoys having his very ill mother living with him. however, she is illonly physically. Her mind is fine and they are great loving companions hiring extra help whenever they need it.Such good arrangements are very beautiful but very rare.Most of the time, seperate households are better.

There are few opportunities in life to be a real super hero. This is yours. What you do with that opportunity (take it or pass) is your choice alone.

This is the “for worse” for him in his life. It is his personal Armageddon. You could turn this —-one of the worst times in his life—- magically into one of the best times by being wonderful — for him.

it may seem like this will last forever, but it will not. You can be nice for this short term. The payoff would be immense. It may even make you feel really good to be extraordinary).

What if you were the sick person? We all may be there someday. Treat her as you would like to be treated. Support him as you would hope to be supported in a situation that would be a crisis for you.

You may not want to help. Again, this is your free choice. If you treat your husband badly now, when he is suffering the slow painful torture of losing his mother, yes, the marriage is over.

You are a stranger to him too. Anyone can “be there” in the good times. It’s the true friends that rise up in the worst times.

I was in his shoes. Some choice friends and loved ones came to my rescue. They are my super heroes.

If it were as easy as "leave" you'd already have left. So I've been mulling.

When you and your husband first became a couple, your (now) MIL was 83. Looking back over the years of your relationship and then the two when you were married but before MIL moved in, how involved was your DH in her care? And what about you? - how did you get on with her?

YUP... Hunker down hold on, the ride has not ended it, and it will be a softer landing than the one you were thinking about... trustme.....

HANG IN THERE THE SEAS DO GET ROUGH ,AND THEN COMES THE CALM..

WAIT FOR IT ... WAIT FOR IT.... There's a change in th weather... feel for it. You will be okay :)

I am Roman Catholic. I would talk to a Priest. God bless you. No judgements here. I have posted in a reply below that if I were financially able I would walk out on my mother now. I get how it feels. His mother has care, she has your husband. I am only child and feel positively trapped right now.

no, you just want quiet retirement life. taking care about dementia people it is hard time even if she was your mother. Could you place her in Facility?

Sounds like you've got a huge mommy's boy on your hands. If he wont put her in a home leave him. Spouses come first.

Before you married, and in the years leading up to it, did your husband give you any idea that he intended to retire to care for his mother? When his mother got towards 90, what did he expect to happen? His determined mind-set on this suggests that it was there all along, and (unless she suddenly dropped dead) this is what he intended you to sign up for. Quite deliberately, and without notice to you. You couldn’t anticipate a husband who would watch his mother on a monitor while he is in bed with you. He retired and moved her in just a year after the marriage. You can with justice feel that he married you under deliberate false pretenses. If so, who is selfish? Let yourself off the hook. You gave each other some good years, that’s all you probably were going to get.

So either his mom goes or you go.
I would divorce a person like you.

Life is full of choices. Your husband has had to make a choice between having his Mom or his wife and has chosen the former. You now have to make a choice for your own life. I certainly myself would be unable to stay, nor would I question myself as to whether or not I were a selfish person. It is simply a matter of having limitations. I know mine. I would be moving on now.

Traces109: Please see a good attorney in order to protect yourself.

I cant add much better advise than what others have given.  While we did not have any of our parents live with us in their declining years we were part of the caregiving especially with me being an only child.  I also watched my mother care for her own father for several years.  I have told my son that I hope I am never a burden to him and if the time comes that I need placement then I am ok with that decision.  Just make sure they give me my 3 meals a day and cut my toenails, LOL.

Oh my goodness, how I can relate. I just posted my questions on here just a few days ago titled, "How much is too much?". If you're interested, you can read mine, it sounds so similar. I'm 52 & feel exactly how you're feeling. I don't want to start over but feel like I've got to get away from here. I feel like I'm being selfish but I'm not being heard that this is making me crazy. I don't have a solution, just wanting you to know that I relate & understand where you're coming from. Best of luck to you!

After all the good advice, all I can say is (((Hugs))) and get a good attorney.

Traces 109, I feel very sad for you and your husband and the situation that you are in. I can speak to the topic b/c my 97 year old father has lived with my husband and me for the past 4 years - it has aged me 20 years. Many in that generation fear nursing homes; if their children suggest it, they interpret it as “nobody loves me - I’m abandoned”. So once they are in your home, it is near impossible to change the situation without dealing with the guilt of “breaking their heart”. The only chance of moving her is if she was to fall ill, be hospitalized and then transfer her from the hospital b/c it “is what is best”. I feel lucky that my husband has tolerated my father this long (we’ve been married 45 years) and is sticking it out.
I think you were right in getting your own space, where you can have some peace and privacy. Perhaps your marriage will survive with this move - I hope so. Good luck - you are a strong woman and I admire your conviction to stand your ground.

No, you are not being selfish. Your husband is being selfish by forcing his demented mother to live in YOUR home and to disrupt YOUR lives together. She should be placed in a Memory Care ALF or in a SNF for her own well being and for the sake of your marriage. If your husband can't see that, he's blind as a bat, I'm afraid.

I got married 11 years ago and then my parents moved here from Florida, which disrupted my marriage in spite of the fact that they didn't move in with us. Here it is 9 years later and my mother is still alive, still acting out, still complaining and 'wanting to die' but living in Memory Care, at least, which is STILL enough of a burden on me to give me chronic anxiety as an only child. If I had no other choice but to move her in with us, I'd just as soon shoot myself. Honestly.

Move out for now and let him see what it feels like to bear the burden of his mother alone and with nobody to talk to. He may just see the light.

Good luck!

It seems your MIL has reached a point in her dementia where living with anybody is going to cause them problems: disrupted sleep, always needing monitoring.... the kinds of things she could get in a memory care facility. Maybe you need to talk with your husband about how her care needs 24/7 awake and attentive caregivers. There is no way the most dedicated child can provide that kind of care alone. If he will agree to helping his mom get the kind of care she needs, you may find a lot of the tension drain away from your relationship and your husband can remember that you have needs too.

A trial separation would be a good first step. Move into an efficiency and give your husband a timeline to place his mother (6 months is a good number).He will find that living alone with her is a very different scenario than having you there. If he decides to continue the current arrangement after this time, I would file for divorce.

https://www.hg.org/legal-articles/moving-out-of-the-marital-home-do-i-lose-my-rights-to-it-51782

This website cites NYS law only I think. But you run the risk of a judge deciding that you owe spousal support because you "abandoned" him in his hour of need. That's how HIS lawyer is going to argue it.

If you can do a mediated divorce, it's a better choice. You are in an economically vulnerable position because you are still earning.

Traces, talk to a lawyer before you move out. State laws differ on this.

Traces, I find it very valuable to talk to a therapist. I know some people feel it didn’t help them, but for me it does. Try seeing a therapist for YOU. Not couples therapy, but therapy for yourself. It will help you find clarity.