My lovely neighbors and my dementia mom. Am I overthinking this?

Are you considering placement for your Mother? Your neighbors have already reassured you, but it sounds like there is more than a neighbor issue afoot here.

No, you're reacting as any considerate neighbor would do -- and so, too, are your neighbors. Be grateful you have such kind people to support you.

Hang in there -- you have a wonderful support system.

aside from dementia, she is perfectly healthy and strong woman---i know that won't last, but for now, I'm grateful for that. I want to take care of mom until the end, so I'm not planning to place her anywhere outside. It's overwhelming and frustrating 99% of the time, but I'm down for the journey.

Indeed, you have lovely neighbors. Still, I understand how awkward you must feel in this situation.

I thought that I could care for my mom until the end. It becomes too much mentally and physically. My brother took the reigns after I did it. It was hard for each of us. Mom prayed for a way out of being a burden on the family. She was blessed to spend her last month of life in a wonderful hospice house. She received incredible care from the staff. She died with dignity and free from pain.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. No one can do it all forever and if they force themselves to do everything they usually pay a high price for it. Their health will start to decline, both physically physically and emotionally. I struggled with anxiety, depression and extremely high blood pressure.

There is no shame in admitting that we need help or find that we feel it’s best to place our loved ones in a facility.

Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.

Your mother is so blessed to have you as her daughter; and you are so blessed to have the neighbors you have - how sweet they think enough of you to bring you treats.

I agree you need to have your mother assessed by her doc for anti-anxiety meds to take the edge off. Could she possibly be experiencing physical pain that you are unaware of - an infection?

While it is commendable that you want to care for your mother, it appears to be getting to the point of being too much - have you considered to add some in home aids? You also may need to consider placement. Placing your mother doesn't make you any less of a caregiver - or means you failed as a caregiver - it just changes how you caregive. Instead of being a hands-on caregiver you are then free to again be her daughter and advocate for the care she receives - smoothing over problems and handling issues that arise at the facility. In addition you have a team of caregivers there 24/7.

Again your mother is so lucky to have you as her daughter. May your mother, you and your neighbors be blessed.

Regrettably, it is time to consider placing your mother in a dementia facility, for her well being more than yours. Have you exhausted medication assistance? Your mother sounds terrified of changes she can't control.

Yes . Dementia .can cause them to scream.finf something to look .or try to find what your mom loves, the reason ,why I. Am telling you this. I myself have dementia ad will .it's now border line progressive stage.vascular dementia.57 years old. And walk with a quid cane.try reading to your .mom. or turn on the radio something.that she loves.my family.csnt handle my dementia. ,Try taking her for a ride in the car. ,try to take out to eat. Like a fast food.where you and her in the car.i love to listen to the radio.a lot. Try those.if you want more information. I am here to help

Do ask for a medical evaluation if you have not already done so. Some physical changes could heighten your Mom's confusion and anxiety. Medication might be helpful. Consider some rest for yourself-part time help, a respite stay for Mom it is feasible. A chance for quiet and rest might free energy up for you to think of ways to ease the situation and let you see how care could change your Mom's situation. Your attitude reflects well on you as a person, and your Mom's care of you in the past.

No, you're not over thinking it but there really isn't a lot you can do about it other than tell the Dr what is going on and have him prescribe a medication to keep her more calm.

You first need to go out of the house while she is screaming and see exactly what you can hear and also ask the neighbor what exactly they can hear.

Maybe the screaming is muffled and not as loud as you think to the neighbor.

It's an awful situation for all but when you say your mom screams, hopefully only for a few seconds while you move her then she stops. .

If it's a constant scream on and off all day, than you really need to find a solution as
it isn't fair to your neighbors to have to live out their retirement years like that.

Prayers

Your mom is exhibiting extreme anxiety. She doesn't understand what you are doing or how to express her needs. Please talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety medication. Yes, she will be a bit sleepy, but the screaming should lessen.

I’m going through the same thing with my mom. At its extreme, I discovered she had a UTI. Once that was treated, she calmed down. She lives with me in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment, so I share walls and floors with neighbors. Most of my neighbors are elderly. My mom’s doctor has her on lots of anxiety medication to keep her calm through the day. At night she gets more sleep medication. Again, when she had a UTI she was streaming and crying at midnight. At times, she screamed for the police! UTI seems to really play with their behavior and emotions to the extreme. Ask the doctor for anxiety medication but watch for the possibility of a UTI. My heart goes out to you and others like us who are trying our best to care for our love ones. This is sooooo hard but know that you’re not alone.

I think you are in a good place regarding your concern for your neighbors. Bear in mind that their real feelings may be less accepting than their company manners. But also bear in mind that they do want to be your help and support. They also have a relationship with your mother. Others have suggested meds, I agree that the right med may help her remain with you for a while longer. However, your mom's dementia will continue to worsen. If you can get the right meds for her to ease her anxiety that is great--for now. Do begin looking for an appropriate place for her, though. At some point you will not be able to handle the stress any longer, when that time comes you need to have another option handy. Take care of yourself first, then your Mom. Your neighbors will be fine, as long as you are. Hugs.

🤔thinking... What do I want most, you for my neighbor or you my kid?

You're not over thinking at all. It's a very tough, stressful situation. Your inner observer is just trying to help.
I think one reason all of this is so hard is because our parents are such authority figures to us. In other words, next time she gets to protesting, remember you're the new sheriff (at least in your own mind). You know best now. Your judgement is solid. And you can find peace in that if you can get past the nerves and remind yourself during all the noise. Breathe, and wiggle your toes for a second. Your intent is loving and nurturing. You're the grown up now.
I don't think your awesome neighbors will be bothered or concerned unless you start screaming back that you don't want to eat your "veggies first - either!".
Take good care. You're doing such hard, good work.

It's time to put your mother in a nursing home.
If you can manage to pay the rent on your own at the townhouse then great. If you can't then get a roommate to help share expenses.
Either way, your mother's needs now cannot be met by you alone. Or by any one single person.
You are not over-thinking it. You know that you're going to have to make this decision soon because she's getting worse fast.
Find a care facility that will take her.

Wow, you have nerves of steel. I would be a wreck with all the screaming. So, my hats off to you and your neighbors for being able to deal with this.

I would get some heavy blankets, you can get cheap quilts at the thrifty store, and hang those up as tapestries. This will help muffle the sound. If money permits, you can buy the foam that is used in music studios to keep the sound in and out. It is black and looks like an egg crate and it works incredibly well. No idea what it would cost but, you can install it yourself with a double sided tape or a hot glue gun. You can also add a layer of cardboard behind whatever you do to increase the sound proofing.

Ask the management about installing solar screens, black can not be seen through from the outside, unless back lit. Or put a reflective tint that looks like a mirror from the outside on the windows. I assume that you don't have many windows exposed to passersby, so this would be a fairly easy fix. If you are handy, you can buy all of this at home depot and do it yourself, if not, this would be a 1 day job for a handyman.

One benefit is the noise reduction but, you will also get insulation value. So you will be able to keep the temperature close to what you really want. The downside of thin walls we don't think about.

It is great that you are thinking about how to minimize the impact on the neighbors. Even though they are fine with it now, we all know that things can change and then they are not okay. Proactively deaden the sound and you will feel less stressed and the neighbors will appreciate it, even if they say otherwise, they will appreciate it.

Stop apologizing. I am sure that they sympathize with you, by their actions.
She needs a medical evaluation. There are places that have doctors that come to your home. I see several suggestions to check for a UTI. There are several brands of test strips that can be used at home.
Best wishes.🤔🙏

No you are not overthinking - my first suggestion is to read all you can about dementia - my mother (100 1/2 yrs) the same and does the same and my mother also throws in swear words and calls them bad names - Usually they yell out because they are afraid, in pain, nervous, upset, confused for my Mom it is usually because of pain or because no ne has the time to just talk with her. But the suggestion from our hospice nurse was to give her .25mg of Roxanol which is Morphine - it does help and it has happened less but my mom is on a slow progression with dementia so who knows - you just go by the symptoms - we also use distraction alot and try all the therapeutic lies we can come up with but mainly distraction - you just never know with dementia - I read there are 8 dementias and all are different - read what you can call you Alzheimers Assoc and get some information and maybe a group to go to - you will receive much information and for you, do not be nervous about it because of others it is something you cannot control neither can your dear Mom - we just learn how to deal with the issues dementia brings - take care and God Bless you in all your efforts
Laurie

No your not over acting . What your mom , is doing .is part of the dementia condition. She doesn't want is going on. Also, there is a website for dementia.its society dementia of america.they will mail .all the information. Including a wear shsre card ,for you and your mom.and a id bracelet.for her and you.including Information.that can have .with a number to call them .also let her doctor know.get a case worker. If she has Medicare, and medicade. Case worker.and a social worker.

I agree that medication may make your Mother more comfortable. Imagine how she feels when she is screaming like that - all that anxiety! A medication to bring her anxiety level down a few notches will make everyone feel better, but most of all your Mom - even if it makes her a bit sleepy, that’s better than the awful knot of anxiety. You want her to feel the best she can through this journey she’s taking.

What a terrible situation but the neighbors seem wonderful. Talk to a doctor about medication stopping her behavior and when she starts screaming, somehow (even with professional advice if it is available), find a way to make her stop screaming. If she still screams and acts out horribly, you may have to find a way to place her somewhere (with the help of Medicaid). This cannot go on and you should not have to tolerate this. The day will come where the neighbors won't be so nice and then what. She has to be stopped or moved out.

I honestly don't know how you can stand it. It may not ever get better, you know. My dad lives in a memory care facility and there is a lady there who screams for her mother constantly. I'm sure they have tried medicating her but she is in distress all day long, every day. I feel so bad for her. The other resident's though have their own issues and no one seems bothered by it.

I would look for a nice memory care facility for her. They will have a doctor that contracts with them and that person will see her as needed adjusting her meds.

Check with her doctor about Hospice care. Nurses come to the home to check vitals etc. You may also be able to get assistance in bathing her via Hospice. Do have her checked for joint pain, UTI. Do see about medication for anxiety. Make sure it is with a prescriber who specializes in the elderly and dementia folks.

This must be hellish for you. Take care.

I understand what you’re going through but I would change things to make it easier on you. I wait until my mom gets up, then I guide her to the bathroom. Sometimes I get her an ice cream cone afterwards. She doesn’t get angry if I just change her pull ups while she sits on the toilet. I also don’t wake her up. I just let her sleep, open the drapes & do check on her, saying it’s time to get up but I let her stay until she’s gathered her energy to rise. The only problem I have is when she’s napping & we have to leave the house for an appointment. She doesn’t scream or get angry, but she’s just really hard to wake. I’ve enlisted the help of hospice due to her permanent diagnosis of dementia (not end of life at this time) & I try to schedule most appointments while they’re here. In a nutshell, they’re going through hell. Peace is the objective. If they want to stay in bed longer, that’s ok & in the bathroom minimum contact & kind minimum words simplify a scary situation to a generation that is extremely modest. You may also make a med check appointment with her & her doctor to find the right fit of an anti anxiety med. There may be a combination of new things to try to see what works to get the screaming to become unnecessary for her. It’s possible! My mom used to hit people & even try to bite them. Through trial & error I learned what works & it’s usually hands off & let her be when she’s unhappy with something, then trying again later. It worked for us. Good luck!

Definitely consider a urine test - dip sticks might work but a culture is best as some UTIs are sneaky and don't show up with the dip stick test. At the very least, that can rule out UTI. If there is a UTI, keep that in mind for the future. UTIs (and other infections - one person reported her mother's odd behavior was due to an infection in her mouth) can present in really odd ways with elders, and esp when dementia is added to the mix. My mother's first UTI after moving to MC resulted in severe sun-downing, something she never had prior and never had after. She was out of control and had to have anti-anxiety along with the antibiotic. Once treated, we could skip the anti-anxiety. Subsequent UTIs presented as night time bed wetting, as in soaking everything, despite having a max brief with a pad inserted. Once treated, the bed wetting stopped.

Do consider trying a very low dose anti-anxiety medication. When mom took this, it worked first time, every time, in about 15-20 minutes. They do mention these being a fall risk, but mom NEVER fell when taking it, and wasn't doped up. It was just enough to take the edge off for her.

I understand you want to keep your mom home, which is fine. However you might want to consider hiring some help to take some of the burden off, even if it's to do other tasks like cleaning or laundry, or to allow you a little time off to go out and take a break. Trying to do it all AND take care of your mother full time will become a super marathon at some point. The last thing you need is to have something happen to you, leaving your mom with no one!

You might want to get hold of Teepa Snow videos. I do not think you are doing anything wrong on purpose but she knows all the surprising insights. You might find out how to approach her and when to touch her.

What about some sound proofing? I have not looked this up to know how expensive this is. I agree with some of the other suggestions. I doubt if she were in a facility that they would put up with this screaming because it would upset other patients. I think some meds might be appropriate as well.

Try to get calming meds into her ..by crushing it & hiding in her food. I’ve been having trouble lately with my 94 year old mother with dementia…with her screaming today..for my father (who died in 1992) …I live on a quiet block..I’m sure everyone heard her…I turned on air conditioner , & music .& close windows Even if she has meds prescribed, she may not always take them..& have to become creative to get it in her food
Hugs 🤗

Imho, perhaps you should try a low dose anti anxiety med.

Do read all of the comments below because you will come up with a solution. We who have been in the deep trenches have all found a way to deal with dementia in a loved one eventually. I was in an unusual pickle since my husband was a professional singer with a beautiful voice. However when the dementia hit, he was singing off key and quite loudly, spurts throughout the day. My neighbors of 30 years were beyond lovely. They made me feel so grateful to have such love surrounding me. I know exactly how you feel. In a way it's kind of their contribution to life right now to be tolerant so that you can live with some degree of peace. Neighbors can be God's angels at this time.

I also had mature graduate students in my large home for extra income, so I had that challenge to deal with. It was ridiculous, but somehow they understood. They told me that they could put on their headphones at any time and that would shut out the noise . You might consider headphones also and listen to something you love.

Honestly, I finally applied for Medi-Cal pay-per-share long-term care insurance in California. This is a wing of Medi-Cal which middle to upper-middle income people can apply for to pay for a nursing home. I didn't even know this existed until I was obviously in need. My husband passed away on the very day he was approved by Medi-Cal for the stay in long term care with a minimal monthly payment from me. It is called Medicaid in other states but this type of insurance may exists in your state too.

It looks like it's time to think about long term care. I miss my husband very much, but he said to me before passing on... "I love you... and want you to know I'm only changing addresses!" This is nice to think about when a loved one does pass away.

The thing to do is to take a baby footstep forward in what you think is appropriate. See what your sensible options are. When you do that you will see the next step to take and so on.

My home is so quiet now... students have graduated and husband is gone, so I had some moments to write to you. One day at a time and one step at a time--that's the key... this website is such a blessing to all of us.