My LO is in memory care. Would like to talk to him but most conversations are negative and hateful or complaining. Should I stop calling?

psuskind1,

Conversationally, Mom goes negative if you talk with her much longer than 30 minutes, so it helps to keep phone calls and visits short. I've been known to get up from a face-to-face visit saying, "Mom, I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. I'll come back another time when you're feeling better," and leave! Of course this is only do-able at memory care and I can leave her safely supervised. Before lockdown, I've also had her in the car with me, and when she began non-stop negativity, I'd make a u-turn and cut our drive short saying the same thing. Works with a phone call, too. I always maintain a pleasant tone, never expressing exasperation with her conduct. Just calm and matter-of-fact. I don't see this as "mean," but taking care of my sanity and refusing to enable her complaining. I won't put up with it for long and consequently her negativity has noticeably improved. Not eliminated, but improved. Or maybe it's just a consequence of disease progression; I don't know.

Some have referred to "dad" in their comments, but your profile says you are caring for your husband. That does make it hard on you, for two reasons: 1) he isn't the same loving man you married/lived with all these years and 2) his words are caustic.

Although you say he is allowed to use the desk phone "reasonably", perhaps at the least ask them to restrict his calls a bit. If he was calling every day, make it every 2-3 days. If they can't control this, then every 2-3 days answer, but let it go to voicemail on the other days. If/when you retrieve the messages and they start off negative, DON'T finish the message, delete it as it won't get better! You already know what the message will sound like anyway, so no point in listening!

In one of your responses you say "...LO just is focused on going home and why am I keeping him there and then the guilt begins. True or not LO says he’s told I’m the only one who can get him out."

Clearly he believes this, whether someone told him this or it's a figment of his imagination and thus he is taking it out on you. All too often the closest family member, esp one who did any care giving, gets the blame for all that is wrong in the world! It sounds like even if you told him the doctors have to make the decision, he will still blame you. Is he allowed to get mail? Perhaps draft up a phony letter from a doctor, make up a name even so there's no repercussion, and make it sound medical stating what he has to accomplish before he is well enough to leave. Or just have it state that the doctor orders say you stay until I can clear you medically.

When we had to move our mother to MC, she refused to consider moving anywhere. EC atty told me we couldn't move her against her wishes, even with DPOA (people think this is the answer, but it isn't! it is important, but it doesn't work for everything! mainly for financials, medical and signing documents.) Atty suggested guardianship, but the facility wouldn't accept committals - they said just get her here, we'll take care of it! Just prior to the move, she injured her leg and developed cellulitis. This delayed the move a few days, but meanwhile YB wrote a letter from 'Elder Services' at the hospital (don't think that exists!) It states that due to her condition, she either moves to a place we choose, or they will place her! She wouldn't know it was phony! Madder than a wet hen, but she went with my brothers that day.

So, a letter that at least looks a bit legit, sent to him via mail, maybe? If he throws it away, send another one! Just remember to change the date (he likely won't notice, but just in case.) No return address on the envelope and no phone number (unless you have a friend or family member who might like to play receptionist, nurse, and/or doctor, to take his call, and likely some abuse.) Many times when those with dementia refuse to believe us or do things like shower for us, they WILL do it for or listen to others!

It is good to hear from staff that he is ok, doing well and participating in activities. This reinforces the idea that his anger and blame is all focused on you. This is one reason I told my brothers I would NOT participate in the move. I ensured all legal was in order, found a place, managed the finances, but would NOT be part of the move. YB did all the talking and taking her car key, but I was there, silent, behind him. Who got all the nasty calls demanding the key back and fixing the car? Me of course. I really expected blame for the move too, even though I wasn't there, but never heard a peep about that from her! She would hound YB early on when he would visit, but never asked me to take her back to her condo!

Maybe don't answer all the calls. Or arrange it with the staff to only allow him to call twice a week or something like that.

Isnt there a middle ground here? In other words, have a limited number of calls as I am not sure he can help his condition. But key word being "limited" to limit your exposure to the abuse.

Imho, since your LO has a brain that is broken, the convos with him aren't likely to change. But YOU have the ability to change by limiting the phone calls and making the convos light. Do not engage in acrimony.

Why in heaven's name would you want to talk with anyone, for any reason, who has dementia and then the behavior and actions become ugly? Don't be a fool - love him for the time when he was better but now STAY AWAY. Don't let this person destroy you and make you unhappy and miserable. And if he starts in, do just that HANG UP AT ONCE AFTER YOU TELL HIM OFF AND TO STOP. It will only get worse. Don't let him torture you any longer. Steer clear of him.

Inform him there will be no more phone calls until he behaves himself. And then inform them staff he is not to call you. Give it a week and then call him and see if there is any change.
If not walk away. He has no right to hurt you.

When our dad went into LTC, we nixed him having a phone. Sometimes he would have the nurse call us and she would hand him the phone, and just like you he would begin complaining and ranting. I finally had a talk with the nurse coordinator to tell the nurses they are not allowed to have him call us. They can ask him what he wants to talk to us about and then they call us. We could then decide if we would talk to him or not. It may sound cruel to some, but there was no sense in sitting there listening to him rant and rave or complain. If he is doing fine and participating you will need to find ways to set boundaries. What we did was one way. You will probably never get a normal call at this point in his dementia.

Try asking questions about favorite colors, music, movies, actors, happy family memories, favorite food, President, vacation spot if can go anywhere in the world and why. There are so many questions about favorite things to ask about. Take notes about the answers that produced a hearty laugh and direct to those times when negativity sets back in.

Ask staff to limit his calls. If he is calling daily cut to every other day, then maybe 1 time a week.
You can not expect your dad to change. His mind is broken and he does not know how to change.
You can tell him, when he starts talking in a way you do not like, that you have to go to work and will have to hang up. Once you say you have to go hang up the phone. If he calls right back do not answer the phone.
Little side note though you will miss the calls when he gets to a point when he does not remember your number or does not remember how to use the phone or worse when he no longer remembers you.
Hang in there

Please redirect the conversations. When they veer into hate-filled or complaining speech, redirect by saying "I'll look into this" then change the subject to something more pleasant. Please make sure to call the facility to discuss the complaints - which may be valid or may be a sign that he has anxiety or frustration that need to be dealt with.

Hoping isn't going to solve your problem. You have been listening to him for too long now, and he expects you to listen to him. You created this over time, and it's going to take some time to undo it.

First try redirecting the conversation toward something good like "LO, have you been outside today and enjoyed the beautiful weather?" or "LO, I want to read you a poem by XYZ or Bible verse (if religious), and isn't that a beautiful sentiment?" If you get nothing in return but negativity, simply say "Someone is at my door and I'll call you when you're feeling better" and then hang up.

Since your LO is in memory care, his brain is broken enough that you can do little to change his behavior. Protect yourself from negativity. You do not have to listen to it. And you don't have to feel guilty about hanging up abruptly using a lie. It's the only way to stay sane sometimes.

My mother is a wonderful and lovely woman to care givers and other nieces and nephews; she reserves all her angst and ugliness for ME. No matter WHAT I talk about, she's ugly and miserable and complaining all the time. While the idea to talk about happy times and get your LO reminiscing is fantastic, it's more realistic for an outsider to be able to accomplish than a close loved one; they always act a whole lot better for outsiders than they do for US! That's been my experience, anyhow.

What you're going through here is such a common problem for so many of us with loved ones in Memory Care ALFs. Every night when I get ready to call my mother I get a stomach ache. She will always say something horrible and miserable, I know that for a fact, and so I dread the calls. My DH and I go for a window visit on Sunday's which is good when there's a care giver in the room with her. Then she's showtiming and playing to the audience. Otherwise, she's complaining and mean, but less so when my DH is around. Again, her angst is reserved for ME.

My suggestion is to get your husband or your wife on the phone with you when you take these calls. Having a buffer-person between you will sometimes lessen the blows. They normally try to appear nicer when they know someone else is listening or within earshot. If that's not the case with your loved one, then by all means, let him know you will be saying Goodnight when the call becomes too toxic. I do that with my mother, and tell her Goodnight Mom, I'll speak to you at another time when you are in a better mood. I think that hoping for a normal call eventually is a high hope, when dementia is at play, but who knows? Every day tends to be different with this miserable affliction, so maybe one day you'll be surprised. In the meanwhile, look after yourself too, so you don't develop ulcers.

Good luck!

As earlier mentioned, reminiscing may distract his mindset to be more pleasant. The kitchen timer may also help.

If not, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you will no longer anwer his calls if he continues with angry hurtful calls. Answer the next one or two calls after that and if his negativity hasn't stopped, remind him what you said and stop answering.

You can ask the MC desk to tell him their policy has changed and residents are nolonger allowed to use the desk phone.

Practice changing the subject every time he days something negative. If needed, do something like ring a little bell and say you have to go check on the oven now. But before you do that, try the following, and keep the little bell for after you intentionally cheer him up ;

Try to guide the conversation to PAST HAPPY MEMORIES.

It works amazingly well.
I used to take care of an elderly lady that nobody could stand being around, they said she was horrible and negative.

I thought about what things must feel like to her, from her point of view. She lost her home, her garden, her neighbors, her friends, her youth, her independence etc.

Literally, everything that made her happy was gone. Now everyone was treating her like a burden or a piece of luggage. It's sad getting old and losing everything.

I realised that everything "happy" was in the past for this person. So I asked questions about happy occasions and adventures etc in her past. She told me wonderful stories about when she was young. It was fascinating and cheerful. Her mood was so bright and happy when we were together. She was glowing.

Nobody understood why I was happy taking care of her instead of mad about it. She was a different person when you asked her about happy times. Try it. Sometimes they remember lots of things from years ago. Vacations, hobbies, friends, school etc. Dating or friends or activities, travel, dances in the old days etc. Practice guiding the conversation.

Maybe get him some old movies or music from a time period that he used to love. I hope you find patience and get rest so you can feel recharged. You sound worn out. Blessings to you both. Treat him the way you hope someone treats you someday. Lots of love and understanding. Put yourself in their shoes. They lost everything. Remind them of happier times. It helps. 💝💝💝

Keep a small noisy timer near your phone. When he calls set it for 4 minutes or however long you think you can handle. When you answer, tell him you have something in the oven and will have to go when the alarm goes off. I used to do this with my former Negative Nellie MIL.

Or just say good bye when he starts to complain.

You can keep calling but you can also hang up when he gets nasty. You should tell him why you are hanging up the phone, he may be able to figure out that his ugliness with you results in you hanging up, if not you are not being beat into the ground with his ugliness.

I would think he has to ask staff to use the desk phone. If so, ask them not to allow it. They can make up an excuse. Or only allowed one call a day would be a good one. If you have caller ID then ignore the call. You could try and say "Dad, you are being abusive so I am hanging up now" and hang up. With Dementia this may not work. You need to set boundries for you. This is a hard desease to deal with. He is not "him" any more. He has his little world that he now lives in. Good or bad its his reality now. His brain is slowly dying.

My bro, after entry into Assisted Living, said that the main "activities" they all enjoyed was complaining. About food, about caregivers, about decor, about everything. And that can surely happen. I think call, then say after the complaints start that you are "sorry it is such a bad day", and you are going to "go now, will call back and hope he is feeling better". This is kind of like training. It make "take" and it may not. Good luck. You do mention your LO is in memory care. If he would not miss the calls, doesn't realize when the calls are coming, then certainly cut them down.