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My husband and I are homebodies. He pointed out to me recently how much we would have LOVED quarantine alone. Watching movies, playing on the computer, going for walks, just relaxing in peace at home. Frankly, we were living the quarantine life before the pandemic hit. But now that my father lives with us I feel like he's on a permanent vacation and my husband and I are his staff. I have to constantly make sure he's constantly busy doing something otherwise he's nodding off on the couch midday, chewing the crap out of his fingers (which I had to bandage one last night) or sitting there just staring at the wall. He will not show initiative and do something on his own. I put a movie on for him and I can't get him to tell me if he finds it boring. I have to watch for the above mentioned signs to know even though I remind him over and over to let me know if he wants something different. I get him to sit and read and he starts off quiet but then he starts reading louder and louder and louder. If I'm watching tv or a youtube video and turn up the sound HE gets annoyed with ME and puts his hand over his ear facing me to make it clear that I'm disturbing him. Our life revolves around him and his needs like 24/7. Before quarantine at least we'd get 2-4 hours a day that my dad went to meetings with friends. On Saturdays he'd go out to the diner with his bestfriend for lunch. Now he's with us 24/7 and is ALWAYS around us. He calls me mom even though he knows I'm not his mom so idk what that's about and all day it's mom, mom, mom. My husband and I don't have children so the irony I'm now being called "mom" by my 83 yr old father seems especially cruel. Tomorrow I'm going to set him up with a book to read in the morning, we'll take a midday walk and then I'm going to set him up with movies in his room with his cat so my husband and I can get some much needed quality time together. I'm just so tired.

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It has been hijacked.

How did it come to be that Dad is living with you? Who thought that this was a good idea?
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Have you ever told him no?

Why do you have to gauge whether he is bored or enjoying himself? He can obviously tell you how he is feeling or what he wants, make him and stop trying to run his every moment. It's okay if he is just sitting and staring, daydreaming is a beneficial activity, regardless of what our teachers told us.

He is calling you mom to prove a point. If you treat him like a child he will act like one.

I know that your heart is in the right place, but back off and see how much better you feel.
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dwilliams927 May 2020
My sister was up here in January to stay with him during the day while my husband was in the hospital so that I could be there. She said the same thing. But then after spending 3 days with him she said she understood now. He can't be left alone. He gets bored and starts putting things away where we later can't find them, chewing his fingers raw, he sleeps too long during the day and then is up all night, he won't eat, he'll eventually come find me. One time I took an hour nap during the day because he had kept us up off and on all night and after he said to me "You were asleep. I didn't know what to do." Like if you were to leave a child alone. I think he thought I had gone to sleep for the night rather than just a short daytime nap. He knows I'm his daughter. He's called me his daughter to other people. But he calls me mom. Even when we were out at my in-laws last Sunday for mother's day. We were out in the yard in chairs so we could social distance but still see each other. He called me mom in front of my in-laws and they were surprised. He says it without any trace of irony. The "cruel irony" I was referring to is that we didn't have children and now someone is finally calling me mom but it's my grown father. He's not being cruel. The universe is.
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Your profile states that your dad has dementia. With this he likely lacks the ability to have initiative and it’s doubtful he’s calling you mom to be cruel. It doesn’t matter if he naps, reads, or is interested in movies. All those activities have changed for him and don’t need constant management. Most importantly, if the living situation can’t be made to work for all of you, a new plan for his care needs to happen.
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dwilliams927 May 2020
My concern is when he's bored he chews his hands. In the past his hands got infected from chewing and he had to be hospitalized. Yesterday, I found he gnawed most of the skin away from his nail and there were actual striations IN the nail from his teeth constantly gnawing at it that it was wearing through. And if he sleeps during the day then he doesn't sleep at night and he paces the house and makes a racket waking us up. I spoke to his doctor about the nail biting today. It's an OCD behavior. When I put neosporin and bandaged the finger plus applied neosporin to a couple other spots he couldn't bite his hands anymore and instead switched to trying to shove his fingers in his eye to "open it" even though it was open. Hopefully the new medicine will help him be less agitated and in turn *I* will be less agitated as well.
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You should consider watching teepa snow’s videos on YouTube. Your dad has dementia & you don’t seem to understand it. He’s not calling you mom to be cruel. His brain is broken. You won’t be able to reason with him.
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dwilliams927 May 2020
I do but its hard for me to accept. My dad was an ironworker. One of the toughest guys I know with a larger than life personality and it's been really hard to see these changes in him. He doesn't notice it. He thinks nothing has changed and has stated that on more than one occasion. Yesterday morning he seemed to notice out of the blue and it shook him. But after a car ride to pick up Dunkin Donuts for breakfast (his favorite) and a shower he was back to not noticing again and arguing with me over handkerchiefs. I will check out those youtube videos though. You're the second person to recommend them to me. Thanks.
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I don't think I provided enough information in my original post. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in January. He had "mild cognitive impairment" and been living with my sister in his own home. He continued to decline and his GP put him on me meds. I realize during my visits that he was skipping pills and dropping them on the floor and so I put my sister in charge of his meds. She took 3 months off for a worker's comp injury and that's when we noticed his symptoms worsened further. Despite that, my sister decided to go back to work anyway when the 3 months was up. She said "I have to do what's best for me." A few weeks later I got a call in the middle of the night from him sounding scared and confused and vulnerable. I picked him up first thing in the morning and brought him to our house where he's continued to live. I love my dad. It's just frustrating how quickly our lives have been upended and the quarantine has only made matters worse.

I know calling me mom is not meant to be cruel. Nor is he trying to send any kind of message. His doctor believes it's because I've had to take on the caretaker role and it's easier for him to associate me as his mom in those moments than as his daughter. The fact that I never had kids and have someone calling me mom who is NOT me kid is the cruel irony I was referring to.

I understand Alzheimer's but I get frustrated. I'm not mad at him per say. I'm mad at the illness.
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D, I guess my question is, why did you all think that living g an isolated existence is EITHER daughter's home was a good idea?

Bback in the 1960s, my grandma would say "I'm so lonely" My mom would get annoyed and ask if she were chopped liver.

Ggrandma craved the community of her peers. Perhaps you dad seeks the same.
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DWilliams I was not implying that he was being cruel.

He is seeing you as his mom. The additional information that you provided explains so much more.

Saying that he goes out and hangs with his friends said to me that his dementia was not as far advanced as it appears to be.

My dad has been diagnosed and I was told that he needed to be in a locked memory care facility. That was 3 years ago and he has been living on his own, taking good care of himself and his business, plus his 3 dogs. Dementia has many layers and many years of decline for some.

Again I am sorry that you thought from others responses that I was saying he was being cruel.

Now that things are opening up a bit, can you check into adult groups at the senior center? I believe that is called daycare for adults.

Best of luck finding the best care for dad.
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If he is chewing at his finger then that sounds like he needs some anxiety meds. My dad doesn't do this - he just goes for the nicotine habit ( worse thing he could do, his doctor says and I know). He's bored and it makes him anxious. It IS hard being around all the time - my dad keeps asking me if I don't have somewhere to go. He wants HIS alone time - right... Just be glad that you get called by a female name - my dad calls me by his brother's name. Sometimes he says ' oh who ever you are.' That makes me feel valuable. This is the only advice I can give - other than using your time at home to put up a wall and let him have his own little apartment so you don't have to see him as much. I would definitely ask his doctor about medicine for the obsessive behavior.
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I am not an entertainer. My oldest was a Tomboy I kept her busy with dance and sports. She was my extrovert. My youngest can be alone with herself. Always seemed to find something to keep her busy. By the time Mom came to live with us she could not read a book, she was an avid reader. Never played cards, did crafts or puzzles. So her days were sitting in front of a TV. Eventually I placed her in an AL. She had people. Was able to walk around the inside of the building when she wanted. Activities. Better than being in a room watching TV. Plus I have a split level, she didn't do stairs well.

With my Mom the first thing to go was her reasoning, short-term, processing. They have no empathy. Can no longer appreciate what is done for them.

His brain is dying little by little. There is no rhyme or reason to this desease. I would suggest going to a neurologist when you can. I would not put an person suffering from ALZ in the hands of a GP. A neurologist is more up on medications for Dad.
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Does he have the funds for AL or MC? He needs socializing and better oversight it sounds like and you need your life back. Dementia is a cruel disease and many presentations. Has he been diagnosed with any specific kind?
I hope his doctors prescribed a medication that will work for his OCD and anxiety. One thing you might consider buying is a toy called a Tangle. It is something that might occupy him so he won't chew his fingers. I bought mine on amazon. Just type Tangle Toy in the search bar.
Realize you can't change him or make him happy etc. Just try to ignore what you can and realize acceptance is a gift you can give yourself. And if there is something you know he can do for himself, then let him do it. It is exhausting, I know. That’s why a home in a facility might be better for all.
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My mom lived with me for 6 years and I did figure it out. I made a list of what I could do. Examples : go to Dr appts, make good meals and eat with her and hire a home health person. and handle finances with the help of an elder care atty.

I could not fix her and she was on the decline. I told her that if she was bedridden or ALZ I could not take care of her.

I had my own schedule. I worked part time. I had a small social life with friends and I gardened. I took her on drives and ate dinner with her.
She had three visits to the hospital and rehab. I had a good relationship with her Primary Care Dr. She had a DNR order in place, I had hospice and pallitive care phone number on speed dial. I checked out AL and nursing homes.
In other words,I managed the situation and hired help. When I need a vacation, I hired someone to stay with her which was expensive but I needed it.
The end of this story is that she had the best care and I learned the importance of
taking care of myself. It was not easy but it worked. Her money lasted and she did not end up spending her life savings to receive poor care in a nursing home or expensive AL. There were some programs but the paperwork would kill you.
Bottom line make the call to get more home health care with an eye on long term care which he might need.

I did my best and took care of important details but I hired help.
I used her money to finance this. When I looked into AL and nursing homes, they were too expensive and the care was iffy.
I did lose my freedom but now that she passed away, I know that she received the best care and my life has opened up again.
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You're very kind to have your dad with you, no matter how it got to that point. I have 3 thoughts.

One, do you have a device that your dad can FaceTime/video chat with his friends he used to go out with 2-4 hours a day and his best friend he had dinner with on Saturday? Let him still be with his friends for that time. I don't know where you live, but if he could sit outside, have his space, and be as loud as he wants talking with his friends he may engage. The familiarity and routine may help his anxiety/chewing.

Second, do you have any pets? If not, how would you feel about getting your dad one? Pets are amazing for the elderly to be around or have. If it's "his" he has some purpose, a distraction and something to focus his attention on. It may motivate him to take a walk with the pet.

Thirdly, I agree that perhaps you may want to look at a good AL near you if you have the means and after all this Covid. He seems like a social guy, and I'm always amazed when I see how many residents blossom being in a good community with relatively active other residents. A day program may be good as well, if you'd like him to be able to stay with you. Going twice a week could be good for him and you.


Best of luck
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Firstly, stop organising him. So what if he nods off in the chair? Secondly, find a place in the house or move rooms around to do your own things such as movies. There’s nothing worse than a tv on for those not watching it, especially movies. You need to make adjustments for your father.
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Teeavilnor May 2020
Sounds like my life, it’s been 3 & 1/2 years of quarantine for me now, cause my mother has LBD. Watching her constantly making sure she doesn’t try to get up because she will fall and I have to pick her up. Basically doing everything thing for her dressing bathing diapering, let’s say all she can do for herself is sleep and eat once I give her the food. I am her servant. Yesterday I came to a decision, I have been bringing her everywhere with me or I didn’t go, even skipping appointments because of her, dental, eye, etc. well yesterday I wanted to go out and decided she will stay home, I am not bringing her, she refuses to wear a mask mainly because she doesn’t understand and her memory is 10 seconds long. So I told her I was going out if she needed anything tell me now, and don’t get up if you do no one will be here to pick you up.
( she hasn’t in a very long time doesn’t have the strength) I won’t be long. So I left , it felt fantastic. When I got home she was sleeping, what she does 75% of the day.
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My 93 yo mother with dementia (needs help with everything) has called me “Mama” a couple times this week. But most times, she calls me, “Prostitute, POS, ugly, homely, Shtik Drek, (pos in Yiddish) She’s mostly mean, nasty, demanding, and violent. I have been trying to manage this with medication. It’s a long story, but I discharged her from SNF in March 2017. She was there for 10 months...she fell in between 2 aides at home, fractured her “good “ leg & needed emergency surgery. Medicare only paid if she was making progress, but she was not. She was never able to walk or stand again. She was falling a lot before the fall that resulted in the fracture. Anyway, I suggest that after the plague you look for memory care for your Father. I’m not married or have young children, but I’m in pretty good shape & wish to travel & work. which I cannot do anything now. When my mother’s aide was here on Tues -Thurs, I was able to work part time 3 days a week. But now I have nowhere to go & stuck in house with an abusive, demanding dementia mother. Her neurologist just says to increase her dosage. She calms for a couple days but goes back to being abusive. Nursing home staff warned me she’d get worse but I stupidly didn’t listen & discharged her. Please don’t ruin your life like I did. I’m 61 yo & no youngster. Hugs 🤗
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I think I understand a bit how you feel. I have been caring for my Mom with dementia but she did not live with us until COVID-19. She fell and fractured her wrist. I knew she could not live alone. After 2 weeks I realized I could not be her caregiver 24/7 and I was busy from day one thinking of options. Despite COVID-19 I did virtual tours of assisted living facilities because she needs help with everything and likes a lot of service. Her personality lifelong is very demanding and she is mean when she can't get what she wants fast.This precedes the dementia. I moved her to the ALF over 2 weeks ago and she is doing very well. She calls 10 times a day and I redirect and reorient her. I am using her money and she will likely spend down her limited assets but it's worth it. Even with COVID-19 she receives so much care and gets the socialization geared to her cognitive level. The staff at Bear Creek is so kind and very responsive so far. I still manage her medications and take her to Dr. appts if needed. When quarantine is over I will again bring her to my home for visits and on outings. The facility is following Colorado's state guidelines and they do not have any outbreaks.

No one can know another person's situation but I do know I have limits as does my husband. I do not want or recommend "giving up" your life for a parent because there are always options. Had I not tried to care for my Mother I would feel guilty but I knew I could not continue physically or mentally on a long term basis. I did try many of the things mentioned to keep my Mother's anxiety at bay and stave off her complaints of boredom. I did not want to have to drug her to keep myself sane.

I can tell how compassionate and dedicated you are to your Father. I know how hard it is to become the Mom. Consider ALF as even with COVID-19 many are still doing small group activities.
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I can tell you he probably doesn’t answer you about the movies because he is unable to follow the storyline anymore. If he is napping let him nap, a catnap doesn’t hurt it’s the two-three hour naps that interrupt night sleep. My father would chew his fingers, when I saw this I would give him a bit of hand lotion to rub in, it seemed to help. His reading out loud like he does is annoying, my father used to do it, it took several times of me asking him to read to himself because he was interrupting my show. I believe that it was a throwback to when he had to read out loud at school or at home he seemed to be unaware that it was bothering me. Good luck and believe it or not there will come a time when you wish some of that interaction was back.
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I can see I'm in good company and offer us all empathy which we totally don't get from our person. I'm hearing good advice, but most important is to take care of self in such a demanding, demoralizing marathon of an experience. It changes one, profoundly.
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There is only one solution here. It is likely that he is ni longer able to follow plot of movie or TV show. They never will tell you. He may no longer be able to comprehend reading either. My mother cannot make sense of a restaurant menu but again she won’t admit to it. She reads the paper every day as she always has but has now idea what she is reading. She also chews her fingers raw. You are not going to be able to give him things to do to keep him occupied for more than a few minutes. He looks just like your father but his brain is broken so he is forever altered. And I know it is difficult to cope with. The future is that he will continue to decline mentally and physically. After you get a better understand of what exactly this means by viewing videos and doing some research, you need to decide what you are willing to do. Soon it will not be save to leave him alone. Is anyone established as POA. Hopefully so. He may not be able to sign now. If funds permit, he will be better off in a facility where they provide stimulation and activities appropriate for him. Find one with option to move to memory care as he declines and needs that. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to take care of him in your home. It is a huge task. I am a nurse and I did not want to do it. We just went thru this with my in-laws. Fortunately they had money for their care. My FIL died yesterday morning at age 95. MIL last October.
Figure out what you really are willing to do and act accordingly.
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gemswinner12 May 2020
Dogparkmomma, my condolences to you and your husband for the losses you have so recently been through. My Mom died about two years ago, and now my Dad’s heart is failing. It feels like my world is caving in. I hope you and your husband can become stronger together; again, my deepest condolences.
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I'm sorry you and your husband have lost your alone time.  This covid quarantine has trampled on everyone's routine, including your fathers.  I'm sure your dad would prefer to be out with his friends at the diner or at meetings and not feeling like and treated like "a third wheel" with you and your husband. 

Your father wouldn't happen to be from the south would he?  My family uses "mom" and "sis" with everyone. LOL  I know it's aggravating, but when things loosen up a bit in your state, you and your father will get your lives back!
Take care.
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Why do people allow their parents to live with them? In most cases, sooner or later the good relationships will be destroyed by the intruder - this must not be allowed or tolerated. Unless you can provide separate areas, DO NOT DO THIS...YOU WILL BE SORRY and you do NOT deserve this. Elderly people are very difficult with personalities and behaviors and mental and physical needs. Not everyone can or should be a caretaker without destroying themselves in the process. First, figure out how to make a separation since you seem to be stuck for now. Second, lay down some very hard, tough rules - and make them stick no matter how hard it is. It is YOUR home. He obviously has the beginnings of dementia and you better be prepared. Think about placing him if things get too bad. You will have no choice.
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truwoman May 2020
You may be right in some cases, but not all. My Mom lived with me for 25 years. She was fine mentally, but needed everything (and I mean everything) done for her in the last 6 years. She passed at 97, 3 mos, 9 days.

Just so you know it wasn't a piece of cake, in the last 6 years she was hard of hearing, blind, couldn't pass urine or feces, couldn't walk or stand, or feed herself, but she had a great sense of humor. I miss her every single day.

We got along wonderfully. She was worried about being a "burden", but I felt having her at home was easier as I didn't have to travel to sit with her in a nursing home.

We were 3 generations, my Mom, my daughter and I. We also had a home health aide a few hours several days a week.

I wouldn't trade those years for anything! Wish I had more!
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Imho, he may be reverting to childhood. He pouts if HE doesn't get HIS way and even calls you "mom." This happened to an extent with my own late mom - she'd clam up if she didn't get her way - much like a 4 year old. This dynamic may not work out. Praying for you.
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I hear you. At least your dad watched tv in his room. My mom refuses.
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My mother moved in with me over three years ago and I soon needed counselling for the mental damage it was doing. She now is unwell and has dementia and my health has suffered badly. But I will offer you just a few tips.
. Don't Pussyfoot around your dad too much. Be Kind but say things as they are or his behaviour will drive you mad.
. He is probably agitated so provide a Twiddle Mitt or something he can fiddle with. I make the mitts and they are so easy to do. Google them.
. Make a memory scrapbook with photos of him and family through his life and places he has been. He can then pick it up at any time to look through.
. If he likes music get some dvds of concerts or play CDs.
. If he wants to nap then let him.
. Try jigsaw puzzles to keep him occupied.
. Take him for a walk or drive somewhere.
. Give him relevant magazines to look through or puzzle books.

There are all things which I've done for my mum to keep her occupied and happy and they have worked. And don't forget to show him some love sometimes no matter how you feel as it's very scary getting old and losing a grasp on life. Take care. X
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Have you tried a fidget muff or lap blanket that can keep his hands busy?
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