My husband's sisters are imposing terrible guilt on him, trying to maintain an unsustainable caregiving situation. How can I support him?

CCWargel: Your DH's (Dear Husband) parents should opt for assisted living now as the bickering of his siblings is too much to handle for anyone's health. The current situation cannot remain status quo as it's not working, e.g. the remote home of the parents, the mother's legs and other things.

Your husband might want to hire care takers to fulfill his 1/6 obligation or pick up 1/6 of the nursing home and then assisted living placements. Getting professional care might make your mother's suffering subside and then your husband can plan visits. How about a Zoom call with 6 siblings in attendance so they can hash it out and come up with a plan? It's also a good time for all 6 siblings to evaluate their end-of-life plans so that their loved ones are not left with similar issues that hurt and harm?

So sorry that the situation has stressed out his family, but it has made them all realize they need a different plan going forward. Time that all involved focus on future plans and strategies and let “by-gones be by-gones”. Sort out the “home team” and the “support team” by each one’s capacity.

For your husband's "turn" in the rotation, could he arrange and pay for in-home care? Either day or night shifts as needed, or someone to live-in during your husband,'s turn. It could be that he could offer that or nothing..

All of the siblings should get together and have an honest conversation. He should be firm and concise with his input on the matter. Pointing out that this could literally go on for years. Pointing out that physically and mentally this is very taxing on his health and home life. Suggest that they spend their time finding the best place for their mom and dad so that they can get round the clock care. Some of his sisters are going to be all up in arms about placing mom and dad, but he will need to let the insults roll off of his back. Choosing to run yourself into the ground does not make you the better child. Even once placed, there is still a lot to be done. Managing their finances, dealing with the medical decisions, shopping for clothing and toiletries, filing their taxes, selling off their property, spending time with them, etc... He needs to stand up for himself in the meeting and just say...enough with the name calling and shaming....lets focus on what we can do to improve all of our lives, including mom and dads.

I agree it is time for the parents to move to AL.

The burden of driving those distances is bad for the parents and the siblings. Your DH has to take care of himself. The answer is to say: “Enough. I can’t do this anymore and live. I will end up in the hospital if I continue to do what I have been doing.”

If the parents refuse, he will have to cut back and the others will have to insist on AL.

It seems cruel but the caregiver needs self care.

My DH is the only child and his mother is difficult. He doesn’t want anything to do with her. Every step has been a slog with him. I took up the slack where I could but I see that he complains a lot and says it is a full time job when now she is in AL it is more part time paper pushing. He wants nothing to do with her. I think he has the beginnings of his own problems. I will have to reach out for him since she will need to see a neurologist.

If there is a way to support your DH in the background, without causing problems, try to do so. Encourage him to pull back and look into AL. They do provide transportation and doctors do come to them.

Your parents live in an isolated area they need to move away from at their stage of life. Get a social worker to help get your parents to the proper facility and closer to medical assistance for their care. Your parent's house should get sold to free up funds for their care, unless some family can afford keep the home. But it should be occupied with someone to maintain it, otherwise, clean it out and sell it.

People get ugly when they're tired, overwhelmed, and watching a parent decline. It's an ugly, awful process - trust me I know. I guess all I can say is remind your husband he's doing ALL he can, that this arrangement MAY have worked for a while - but that it's simply UNSUSTAINABLE. Having people driving 4-6 hours to be with a parent every few weeks is crazy - how do I know this? 'Cause I had to do it too for my Dad (although I was the only one doing it - no one else was helping). So finally I got to the point where I said ENOUGH. He's moving into Assisted Living because this is literally KILLING me.

I totally feel for your husband AND you. Don't let his sisters give you grief. You're doing all you can. Your husband is doing all he can. I'm sure his sisters are doing all they can. But reality is...people decline and they get worse and will - AND THIS IS IMPORTANT --> CONTINUE to get worse.

Assisted living or a nursing home (probably a nursing home if she has wounds that need care) will be the best option for everyone. Definitely encourage the family to look into this. Your mother in law will do better with consistent care and they can provide the wound care and other necessary medical help 'round the clock which she likely will need in the coming months or years. Also, the sooner she makes the move, the easier it will be. Because every time you move a senior, they need to get adjusted to the new environment and it shakes them up a bit. It's better to move them while they're lucid enough to understand what's happening and to make friends with others and the staff.

Good luck and hang in there!!!

Your in-laws need to realize that what their children are doing will not last. I am surprised that if those who work are taking time off from work aren't being told they need to find a solution because they can't keep taking time off unless they are using family leave but that only lasts so long.
Your husband needs to say "Sister, I am doing the best I can. My business is my livelihood, I have bills to pay. If that is not enough, I am sorry. Mom and Dad have the assets to go into an AL. They need to get closer to resources they need. We children cannot sustain this."

If they go into an AL, find one that has the ability to take residents to appts. Also, there is Senior bussing. I would also see if all the appts are necessary. Drs do milk Medicare. Moms PCP had Mom coming back every 2 months. Probably because Medicare allowed it. Mom was on 2 meds, high blood pressure and Cholesterol. These are not illnesses that you see someone every 2 months for. Even his nurse questioned it. I told her "if he says 'now what are we here for' we will not be making another appt unless she needs a prescription refilled or she is sick". He asked. Other doctors once the problem is stabilized, 6 months to a year is enough. Some things a PCP can handle. If something happens, you go back to the specialist.

Think, this is ridiculous that 6 children, some driving hours, put their lives on hold to care for 2 people. Those two people need to make changes because they can no longer do for themselves. If they have the money, they need to use it.

Start searching Now. My in laws too, we’re too busy fighting to
act. I googled care advisors, found a LOCAL company called care patrol.. an independent agency that helps you find a place . They know your needs, availability, cost , reputation, will meet you for tours. Many places have Nurse practitioner s coming in to see patients. You don’t pay for the care advisors service, they are paid by the facility. Get the information you need and have it in hand. ( it doesn’t have to be care patrol, just the name of the franchise I found)

things do not get better from here. I wish you luck, and peace.. I never want to go through the family garbage again ..(unfortunately, I have a SIL and BIL who both want and crave control, so it still continues)

I doubt his parents want their children's lives to become worse because of their issues. If they were good parents, the job of the kids is to make sure they get good care and comfort. That doesn't mean doing it yourself. It's easy to become martyrs in this situation and almost make it a competition of who loves Mom and Dad more as evidenced by their service. Sacrificing your health and wellbeing is not a good tactic. Nor is blaming a sibling for your perception of what they should be doing.

Different people have different skills. Your husband needs to put his foot down and say, "I appreciate that you feel I should be doing X. I simply cannot, but I can contribute to AL or a health aide. This will be my role as Mom and Dad age, but my first responsibility is to my wife and children."

Agree with the others. Now's the time for a major change, as in selling the house and moving to a nursing home because of their medical conditions. Maybe the house can finance that until the money runs out and then Medicaid.

In the short run, this is going to be harder than the rotating fire drill of driving to where they are to support them, but it's the only viable longer-term solution.

Guilt truly is the gift that keeps in giving.

Sounds like it is time for mom and dad to sell their house and move closer to the services they need. It is ridiculous that all the siblings are forced to keep this charade of independence going with these in denial seniors.

Husband has to learn to say no and not be a party to propping up this unsustainable lifestyle the parents are choosing.

I would advise him to have a meeting first with all the siblings. Then with the siblings and parents. Unfortunately i dont expect any of them to be reasonable about what needs to be done.

Husband needs to set a boundary about what he can or can't do and stick to it. If he can't then his siblings and his parents needs will grind him into the ground and the stress will cause him to have his own serious health issues and consequences.

Even with AL, won't she need transporting to all of her appointments? The sibs will still be disagreeing over that schedule. Doesn't it sound like she needs more than AL at this point?

People don't respect how much the self-employed have to work. I know; my H has his own company (I work there, too). Then there are the ones who work gov't jobs vs private industry. My MIL expects her nearby son to do all sorts of things for her an old house on many acres AND a lakefront cottage. He has a busy, demanding job. HER H (FIL) was able to retire as a teacher when he was 55 and just kick back. Her son is NOT the same. (Fortunately, we live states away and don't participate in any of this work (that she should be hiring out).

Regarding "on duty" at his parents...

I think this is key.
Your Husband needs to decide who he is working for - himself, or his sisters.

If he needs to say No. Then he says No.

Leave the reasons out if they won't listen. No is a complete sentence anyway as they say.

He is not responsible for how others react to his no.

All the manipulation, guilting, pulling etc is unfortunate but understandable when things have got to a crises stage & there are many (too many) leaders.

A good Social Worker with experience with elders could sit down with the folks & work out their options with them.

What do THEY want?
Is that possible?

Re-starting the care plan based on the parents needs, rather than what each sister *thinks*. This would be a very good re-starting place.

Your sister's in law seem to have their values on relationships mixed up with the concept of servitude.

The Sister-Brother relationship is NOT one of Master-Slave relationship.
Neither is the Parent-Adult Offspring.

I have had family members like this. Assumed others could be timetabled at their direction. No.

Each adult is a separate adult, has their own family, work, health & other responsibilities. Is free to choose IF, WHEN & HOW they help. Like in the film Pretty Woman's, when Julia's character says "I say who, I say when, I say how much".

"So how can this continue to work?"

It can't.

"The folks live in a remote spot".

The folks will need to reassess this.

If they are longer independent, then they must
A. Arrange copious amounts of help.
B. Move where help already exists eg AL.

Arranging help comes in many forms, but simplified into family & non-family.
Once needs exceed what family can do, other sources are required eg neighbours, friends, community, volunteers & paid services.

As Zippy on the forum often says (bluntly yet so effectively!);
Elders' poor choices should not destroy their children's lives.

I’d suggest that you turn the situation on its head, and start criticising the overall care that your husband’s parents are getting. It’s not good enough. MIL is seriously ill and her condition is deteriorating. Their domestic situation is clearly too remote for adequate medical attention for either of them, and Mom almost certainly needs 24/7 medical care on hand. Not just visits to the local doctor's office. Why can’t the sisters see this? Are they trying to save money? Are they trying to impress each other with how much they do – even if it isn’t enough? Why have they not requested a needs assessment from the local Aged Care assessors?

You get the line I am suggesting (and which is probably true). Bring it to a crisis, and ask DH to stop participating in an arrangement that is working for no-one. ‘This is wrong, and I won’t be part of it’.

If DH backs out of care, and both of you put the pressure on about the inadequate care, it will bring things to a head. ‘This has to stop, for Mom and Dad’s sake, if not for yours’.

When things have changed, you can see what is left of the personal dynamics – and try for better if possible. This approach may work better (in several ways) than 'attacking' the sisters. Worth considering?

Assisted living is the only answer. You’ve done all you can and your husband’s health must come first. He has a responsibility to you and the kids more than he does to his parents.

Sounds to me like everyone's at the breaking point and no one will admit it.

I'd say it's time for a family meeting/Zoom call where everyone lays their cards on the table and makes it clear what they can and cannot do, then they come to a realistic consensus as to what to do within the constraints each person has.

I don't know that you can ever get disagreeable siblings to come together and agree on ANYTHING when it comes to what's 'best' for their parents b/c everyone is too busy sniping at the other for who's not 'doing enough' and who's doing 'more' than who. To get everyone together on the same page is often impossible, when you can't even arrange a good time to have a family reunion due to conflicting schedules these days. If I were you, I'd put my foot down about what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do for the folks, and let the chips fall where they may. Suggest Assisted Living for them b/c they HAVE the funds available, and in reality, having caregivers available 24/7 is the safest route of ALL to take. Versus having family members with no experience, and no real time available to care for these elders, begrudgingly doing what they feel obliged TO do, while not really WANTING to do any of it.

In AL, the staff is paid to do a job and you'll all know the folks are fed, bathed, seen by medical staff, medicated properly and on time every day, etc. Then you'd all be free to work and play w/o the worry of who's doing 'more' and who's doing 'less' for the folks who, in the long run, are suffering as a result of all the bickering.

They need professional help at this stage of their lives and they're not getting it. You and your husband should advocate for THAT, most of all, and perhaps the rest of the siblings will come on board when someone's making a strong case for managed care. I insisted on Assisted Living for my parents, and it was the best decision I could possibly have made for them. My mother wound up living to 95 as a result of the excellent care and attention she got while there, from a loving staff. And I didn't have to totally ruin MY life trying to jump through hoops I was unqualified to jump through in an effort to provide her with medical care I knew nothing about. She had teams of people working 24/7 for her, vs. me, who'd have gotten burned out in short order trying to be chief cook & bottle washer, and failing miserably at ALL of it.

Wishing you the best of luck trying to convince the rest of the siblings to get on that bandwagon and come together for the sake of their parents. And for the sake of their own continued relationships. Quite often siblings wind up estranged from one another after the rigors of caregiving their elderly parents' is over with. All those judgments they passed, all the fighting and harsh words spoken can't be taken back. What's it worth to avoid all THAT?

The clueless one's need to understand that duty to one's minor children, one's marriage and one's own mental and physical health comes first.

Perhaps they don't agree with that way of looking at things. It’s probably worthwhile to find out.

Husband and his sibs need to put on their own oxygen masks before they try to rescue mom and dad.