My husband’s mother... Do y’all have any advice?

This is not a marriage it is servitude, you are being used and manipulated.

Several ways to address this:

1) Husband hires a full time caretaker.
2) Husband takes care of his mother, full time, not you.
3) You find a job, gather some money together, and leave, or she is placed in a home.

He can pick one, set your boundaries and stick to them, time to stand up and be counted. Good Luck!

When it's time for meals, tell her it's waiting for you on the table and she has to go get it. If she can do laundry but refuses to, stop doing her laundry and eventually when she has nothing to wear, she'll do it. If she wants a snack, tell her to go get one. It's hard to do because we want to help. I have to stop myself from doing things for people sometimes because it's not really helping them. It's just making them more dependent. And who cares if she questions you when go out? It's none of her business where you went. Your husband is a big part of the problem and if he isn't going to stick up for you, then you can expect it to continue. I think you should take off and go to a hotel from Friday to Sunday every week until he starts to understand and do something about what you are dealing with.

Golly! Don’t let MJ1929 see this post. You’ll get judged left right and centre for being cruel and insensitive to a domineering manipulative woman. All parents are perfect according to this person and I had the misfortune to be judged by this high and mighty self righteous cow for something i
posted. I have no respect for the elderly and I should put up with my fathers narcissistic behaviour in silence and not talk back or react to him, who has now lived with us for 18 months. Unfortunately I also have family members who will do nothing except when they want something in
return. No help, nothing. A big bullet dodged. I can’t give you any advice only I emphasise with you.

By helping Scarlettine~ You have all helped me as well. I too, take care of my MIL and had to gave up my CAREER, home, personal belongings, friends, life and can completely emphasize with your situation AND your feelings. i.e. your same feelings of being in jail (I call it being handcuffed to her home) with very little support, if any from my husband- “his” flipping mother….
I feel I’ve been used and taken advantage of with empty promises, no action, and not wanting to hear about the awful day-to-day functions to include cleaning up her feces …. I am a glorified housemaid and after 2 years of 24/7 care; I rage inside when time to bring her a meal/tray and she doesn’t even bother to grab it; I have to lay it in her lap and put her towel aka bib under her chin and open her Diet Coke - it’s degrading and infuriating!!!
”do we have any more coffee” she says…. Yeah get up and get it yourself this isn’t a diner (if my bubble ever bursts may God have mercy on my soul…
anywho…
Please know - I don’t share to grab spotlight… I share because I want you to know you’re not alone and that by your sharing your situation; it helped me in that “I’m” not alone in how I feel either

I could go on further - especially the message regarding self respect and getting out- while I don’t fully know your situation- I feel we should listen for our own well being

May God Smile upon us both

Can you go to a friend's home on weekends? Maybe if he had to deal with her . . . and if he thinks you're cheating on him, he has an evil mind and may be cheating himself. He has no regard for you and you need to take care of yourself before you find he has left you alone and unprotected. I'm sorry are dealing with this. My husband would never expect me to deal with his mother single-handed.

You are being used. He probably has been cheating on you and doesn't come home because of it. He probably doesn't work all of that time, and days he claims. Has he always been"away" like this?

Before moving in his mother, most likely he wasn't coming home routinely either.

If you have been suspicious about him spending so much time away, and have been on him constantly about it, He moved his mother in to give you something to do and deflect and distract other then questioning him.


He is living the life of a single man.

If he is the primary financial provider of the household that makes it so that you don't have to work an outside job,

Find a way to deal with his mother.

Talk to him, If things don't change,
You can always divorce and leave.

You don't have to put up with anything that you don't want to.


You're not in a worthy marriage anyways. You don't have a partner, you have an acquaintance who visits and calls from time to time.


If he wanted a marriage, he should have found a different job that would allow him to be more attentive and allow him more time to be a partner towards you, and a son to his mother.

You are accustomed to a certain life and lifestyle if you don't work.
He put his mother on you to give you something to do.

You haven’t mentioned any declining adls or the big D. If in fact she can use a microwave, use the toilet and get showered and dressed by herself, she is just a roommate. And given that she’s probably paying nothing, she has her ss to get an Uber to drive her anywhere. Make her use it. When she asks where you going, when you’ll be back, ignore her. In fact for the Mother’s Day, do nothing.

I too am in same boat, I’m looking for some Sr. Day Care Centers that will take him during the day for activities, lunch, etc. But since Covid , can’t locate any. I also need help.

Back to original post. Why even discuss it with your husband, just let him know once he is home he takes care of Mom and all her problems. She is his responsibilty!

I had the same problem. A therapist told me it was his mother, not mine and he had to take care of her (ha ha) or find her another place to live. She was put in a nursing home real quick.

He has learned how to deal with her. Follow his lead. He doesn't talk about her and doesn't talk to her.

There's more than one way to skin a cat, as it were.....
Make your point strongly: If it's a waitress and a nursemaid that she wants, give her & your hubby a detailed invoice every week for services provided, because you do not owe her. Not sure what the going rate is, but make sure you use it. Make taking care of her your full-time job, and by that I mean stop vacuuming, dusting, doing your other expected chores. This arrangement is costing you dearly: you should be compensated fairly, and the cost should be shared fairly.

If your husband is gone all week, he probably moved his mom in to keep you occupied and to keep an eye on you. I never would have agreed to that. She may feel like she deserves to be waited on, but you aren't her child...you owe her nothing.

My MIL just turned 100. This could go on for quite a while and it could get worse as your MIL ages and requires more care.

If I were you, I would tell my husband this: You are going to be hiring help for your mom. You can do it while I am here or after I leave, but you will be doing it.

If she is mentally able, why are you taking care of her?
If she has financial resources, why is she living with you?
It is your home and your life that are impacted.
Please talk to your husband about counselling to deal with his mom... or a lawyer to discuss options to getting his mother re-homed.

Keep reminding her she is NOT your mother! She did nothing for you in your younger years that she has the right to make demands on her now that she's 86. NO WAY!

Also, have a bag packed. The second your husband walks in on Friday, you go out the door. Go anywhere.

How about this, every time your MIL makes a demand call your husband and ask him what you should do about it. The only way he will understand the how annoying she can be, day or night. Especially night.

And book yourself a week away and go. Let him figure out what to do for her.

Why did your MIL move in with you in December? What led up to this?

Anyway, it was on the understanding that you would be there during the week, and then on Sundays DH would take her out and you would have the day off. And that isn't happening. And during the week you are beset from dawn to dusk with her demands.

So here we are, halfway through April, four months in to her living with you and a very convenient and appropriate time for a review of MIL's care plan.

She is 87, we don't know anything about her health, but it sounds at least fair to middling and she - may she live forever - could be with us for at least ten years.

Not today perhaps, but next Sunday which is DH's designated Mother time anyway, make a nice breakfast for all three of you, smile sweetly and explain to DH that discussion is not optional. It is happening NOW.

What are the options? Write them down and have them ready to talk about.

Scarlettrene: Your husband's statement in reference to you going out for THIRTY MINUTES to get coffee is rich. He must listen to you, else this dynamic is bound for failure. You are not a maid.

You are being used

unless women have a great relationship with the MIL, it is very difficult and unfair to think the wife will be the caregiver. With your own mother you can speak up more and you will both still love each other. This situation is very unfair bc your husband has basically abandoned you. you need to speak up or you will be in the grave before both of them. caregiving is difficult enuf on a person!!!!

Your husband is away & left you to do all the work & tolerate a bossy person who isn't even your parent! He should be sorting this out & making sure you don't get lumbered. Is your husband easy to talk to? You seriously need to put your foot down & also phone social services to talk to someone who deals with adult social care. Explain the situation & get them to talk to your husband so they are moral support for you. Then find a job or go out . If your husband says he needs his mother there then tell him to give up his job & look after her. I'm sorry I know what it feels like to be trapped with a sibling who only lives across road & does what she wants while I'm doing everything! I now have carers in place & a lady who sits with my dad. You need to act fast otherwise you will get carers burn out. You will get moody & irritable & it will cause friction between you & your husband. Hope your husband will understand.

Dear Scarlette,
Tell your husband you are neither nurse nor maid to your MIL and tell him you will hire help for your mom but you wash your hands with this situation. If he does not like that she can go to a home. You will quickly burn out and burn up if something isn't done.
I sure hope this advice helps. I had a MIL like that once! Not fun!!

Temper :}

I suggest you tell him that you'll go on strike in a week unless he hires a home care person to take over; then volunteer at the animal shelter, or get a job in one of your favorite shops - whatever sounds fulfilling to you. Just get out of the house!

You are not a doormat . Her retirement is not called you. You do not owe her your livelihood or life. I don’t understand the communication between you and your husband, why are you walking on egg shells ? Nothing has changed for him yet your entire world is different I assume she is giving you her social security and or retirement income . Let her take that and go to independent living or a retirement community where she can do as she pleases.

I had the opposite problem. My mother wanted to move in with me and my hubby was all for it, but I wasn't. She had all these plans on how I would modify my house for her ability to live in my home at her own expense of course. She had acute COPD which limited her to her ADLs. All I envisioned was having my mother needing me to care for her as her COPD progressed. It wasn't for me. She refused to sell her house and move into assisted living near me. She was willing to sell her house on the condition she come live with me so she could save the money for inheritance purposes. I had to tell her when the time came when she could no longer live alone it would have to be with one of my sisters who had made the offer or residential placement. Unfortunately she passed away before she needed that kind of help.

It's very difficult when there are issues taking care of your MIL. Your husband is torn between his wife and mother. Most men will back out and will not be involved in any conflicts. Much will depend on what she can afford and on her willingness to be flexible (which doesn't sound promising). Can she afford to hire an aide who will do her bidding, leaving you to have your own life? In that situation, I'd look for a job that would get me out of the house most of the day.

I'm laughing... not at Scarrletrene, but at the thought of how that would play in our house. I'm a guy, and if I did that to my wife...dump my mom in her lap... yikes... I can't imagine the consequences... She'd be out the door within the hour. Leaving your partner for 5 days at a time, week after week...not happening in our house.

Of course he doesn't want to hear it. He probably works a lot so HE doesn't have to listen to it.
Not an excuse to be waited on. Set the rules and boundaries and stick to them. Maybe mom will complain about you enough to leave. lol
I like the advice of making dinner at a specific time and it's on her to feed herself.
Your husband not sticking up for you throws up red signs.
I also saw advice on finding a job. that is what I would do. bless you sweetie. My pet peeve is being questioned unnecessarily and that would drive me crazy!

If you are cooking the meals, then you call her when it's time to eat. No more taking meals or snacks to her. If she says she deserves to be waited on, then tell her you don't want her to become disabled because you waited on her. The more she moves, the longer she can manage, so you're job is to keep her from becoming disabled.

Don't tell hubby what she did or said. Just create a new way of doing things around the house. If she can manage a certain task, she does it. She can fold clothes even if she can't get to laundry room. She can probably load a dishwasher or hand wash dishes --- ask her to do that while you put meals away. (Do NOT correct the way she does something if it's different than your method - creates excuse for her not to do it again).

If you leave house for a while - tell her where you're going. If there is question time when you return, brief answers. Or tell her ahead of time you'll be gone longer than you anticipate. Every once in a while, take her with you to get coffee or special treat so she doesn't feel like you come/go and she doesn't get out much.

When hubby tells her he's going to take her somewhere on the weekend, put it on the calendar on frig and hold him to it. These mother/son trips are supposedly so you can have some time to yourself, so put your time on calendar too. Them: Breakfast at 9am Sunday You: Meet friend at 9:30am Sunday -- then leave or don't leave the house. On Saturday night, remind everyone of the plans -- I'm meeting Betty at 9:30 to go to mall. Where are you and MIL going for breakfast?? From time to time - go with them to breakfast, return to house to get your car and say you're going to run to the mall to look for something.

If MIL has any friends in the area - invite one over for a luncheon for the two of them. You leave the house and do your thing. If mom has any other children or siblings that still do well on their own, arrange for mom to visit with them a week or so. You might also consider a PT job outside the house to break this 'waiting on her' routine that got started. If mom is able to do things, she is able to do things.

Find a job you enjoy. This will get you out of the house. If mother in law is able tell she can wait on herself. Ask her to help with the house work since you are working. If I were you I would work some on the weekends.