My husband’s mother... Do y’all have any advice?

Your husband is away & left you to do all the work & tolerate a bossy person who isn't even your parent! He should be sorting this out & making sure you don't get lumbered. Is your husband easy to talk to? You seriously need to put your foot down & also phone social services to talk to someone who deals with adult social care. Explain the situation & get them to talk to your husband so they are moral support for you. Then find a job or go out . If your husband says he needs his mother there then tell him to give up his job & look after her. I'm sorry I know what it feels like to be trapped with a sibling who only lives across road & does what she wants while I'm doing everything! I now have carers in place & a lady who sits with my dad. You need to act fast otherwise you will get carers burn out. You will get moody & irritable & it will cause friction between you & your husband. Hope your husband will understand.

unless women have a great relationship with the MIL, it is very difficult and unfair to think the wife will be the caregiver. With your own mother you can speak up more and you will both still love each other. This situation is very unfair bc your husband has basically abandoned you. you need to speak up or you will be in the grave before both of them. caregiving is difficult enuf on a person!!!!

You are being used

Scarlettrene: Your husband's statement in reference to you going out for THIRTY MINUTES to get coffee is rich. He must listen to you, else this dynamic is bound for failure. You are not a maid.

Why did your MIL move in with you in December? What led up to this?

Anyway, it was on the understanding that you would be there during the week, and then on Sundays DH would take her out and you would have the day off. And that isn't happening. And during the week you are beset from dawn to dusk with her demands.

So here we are, halfway through April, four months in to her living with you and a very convenient and appropriate time for a review of MIL's care plan.

She is 87, we don't know anything about her health, but it sounds at least fair to middling and she - may she live forever - could be with us for at least ten years.

Not today perhaps, but next Sunday which is DH's designated Mother time anyway, make a nice breakfast for all three of you, smile sweetly and explain to DH that discussion is not optional. It is happening NOW.

What are the options? Write them down and have them ready to talk about.

How about this, every time your MIL makes a demand call your husband and ask him what you should do about it. The only way he will understand the how annoying she can be, day or night. Especially night.

And book yourself a week away and go. Let him figure out what to do for her.

Keep reminding her she is NOT your mother! She did nothing for you in your younger years that she has the right to make demands on her now that she's 86. NO WAY!

Also, have a bag packed. The second your husband walks in on Friday, you go out the door. Go anywhere.

If she is mentally able, why are you taking care of her?
If she has financial resources, why is she living with you?
It is your home and your life that are impacted.
Please talk to your husband about counselling to deal with his mom... or a lawyer to discuss options to getting his mother re-homed.

If your husband is gone all week, he probably moved his mom in to keep you occupied and to keep an eye on you. I never would have agreed to that. She may feel like she deserves to be waited on, but you aren't her child...you owe her nothing.

My MIL just turned 100. This could go on for quite a while and it could get worse as your MIL ages and requires more care.

If I were you, I would tell my husband this: You are going to be hiring help for your mom. You can do it while I am here or after I leave, but you will be doing it.

There's more than one way to skin a cat, as it were.....
Make your point strongly: If it's a waitress and a nursemaid that she wants, give her & your hubby a detailed invoice every week for services provided, because you do not owe her. Not sure what the going rate is, but make sure you use it. Make taking care of her your full-time job, and by that I mean stop vacuuming, dusting, doing your other expected chores. This arrangement is costing you dearly: you should be compensated fairly, and the cost should be shared fairly.

He has learned how to deal with her. Follow his lead. He doesn't talk about her and doesn't talk to her.

I had the same problem. A therapist told me it was his mother, not mine and he had to take care of her (ha ha) or find her another place to live. She was put in a nursing home real quick.

Back to original post. Why even discuss it with your husband, just let him know once he is home he takes care of Mom and all her problems. She is his responsibilty!

I too am in same boat, I’m looking for some Sr. Day Care Centers that will take him during the day for activities, lunch, etc. But since Covid , can’t locate any. I also need help.

You haven’t mentioned any declining adls or the big D. If in fact she can use a microwave, use the toilet and get showered and dressed by herself, she is just a roommate. And given that she’s probably paying nothing, she has her ss to get an Uber to drive her anywhere. Make her use it. When she asks where you going, when you’ll be back, ignore her. In fact for the Mother’s Day, do nothing.

You are being used. He probably has been cheating on you and doesn't come home because of it. He probably doesn't work all of that time, and days he claims. Has he always been"away" like this?

Before moving in his mother, most likely he wasn't coming home routinely either.

If you have been suspicious about him spending so much time away, and have been on him constantly about it, He moved his mother in to give you something to do and deflect and distract other then questioning him.


He is living the life of a single man.

If he is the primary financial provider of the household that makes it so that you don't have to work an outside job,

Find a way to deal with his mother.

Talk to him, If things don't change,
You can always divorce and leave.

You don't have to put up with anything that you don't want to.


You're not in a worthy marriage anyways. You don't have a partner, you have an acquaintance who visits and calls from time to time.


If he wanted a marriage, he should have found a different job that would allow him to be more attentive and allow him more time to be a partner towards you, and a son to his mother.

You are accustomed to a certain life and lifestyle if you don't work.
He put his mother on you to give you something to do.

Can you go to a friend's home on weekends? Maybe if he had to deal with her . . . and if he thinks you're cheating on him, he has an evil mind and may be cheating himself. He has no regard for you and you need to take care of yourself before you find he has left you alone and unprotected. I'm sorry are dealing with this. My husband would never expect me to deal with his mother single-handed.

By helping Scarlettine~ You have all helped me as well. I too, take care of my MIL and had to gave up my CAREER, home, personal belongings, friends, life and can completely emphasize with your situation AND your feelings. i.e. your same feelings of being in jail (I call it being handcuffed to her home) with very little support, if any from my husband- “his” flipping mother….
I feel I’ve been used and taken advantage of with empty promises, no action, and not wanting to hear about the awful day-to-day functions to include cleaning up her feces …. I am a glorified housemaid and after 2 years of 24/7 care; I rage inside when time to bring her a meal/tray and she doesn’t even bother to grab it; I have to lay it in her lap and put her towel aka bib under her chin and open her Diet Coke - it’s degrading and infuriating!!!
”do we have any more coffee” she says…. Yeah get up and get it yourself this isn’t a diner (if my bubble ever bursts may God have mercy on my soul…
anywho…
Please know - I don’t share to grab spotlight… I share because I want you to know you’re not alone and that by your sharing your situation; it helped me in that “I’m” not alone in how I feel either

I could go on further - especially the message regarding self respect and getting out- while I don’t fully know your situation- I feel we should listen for our own well being

May God Smile upon us both

Golly! Don’t let MJ1929 see this post. You’ll get judged left right and centre for being cruel and insensitive to a domineering manipulative woman. All parents are perfect according to this person and I had the misfortune to be judged by this high and mighty self righteous cow for something i
posted. I have no respect for the elderly and I should put up with my fathers narcissistic behaviour in silence and not talk back or react to him, who has now lived with us for 18 months. Unfortunately I also have family members who will do nothing except when they want something in
return. No help, nothing. A big bullet dodged. I can’t give you any advice only I emphasise with you.

When it's time for meals, tell her it's waiting for you on the table and she has to go get it. If she can do laundry but refuses to, stop doing her laundry and eventually when she has nothing to wear, she'll do it. If she wants a snack, tell her to go get one. It's hard to do because we want to help. I have to stop myself from doing things for people sometimes because it's not really helping them. It's just making them more dependent. And who cares if she questions you when go out? It's none of her business where you went. Your husband is a big part of the problem and if he isn't going to stick up for you, then you can expect it to continue. I think you should take off and go to a hotel from Friday to Sunday every week until he starts to understand and do something about what you are dealing with.

This is not a marriage it is servitude, you are being used and manipulated.

Several ways to address this:

1) Husband hires a full time caretaker.
2) Husband takes care of his mother, full time, not you.
3) You find a job, gather some money together, and leave, or she is placed in a home.

He can pick one, set your boundaries and stick to them, time to stand up and be counted. Good Luck!