My husband's memory care home supervisor called me yesterday to tell me that he has a girlfriend. Any advice?

This is common and unfortunately part of dementia. Don't be angry or upset, easy to say, right? He is not the man you married. The filters are gone and worse, all memory of what marriage is is also gone. He doesn't remember he is married, either. He may even think that girlfriend is his wife.

I know how hard this must be for you. Saw my mom develop a very close relationship with another man which shocked me. His wife was aware, and sad about it, but was relieved that he still had love and caring in his heart. I never told stepdad as I knew it would upset him.

I would be upset with the supervisor that called, though. Your right to know, yes. But, so hurtful at a time like this.

Try to understand the dementia and what he doesn't understand or remember any longer. Then talk with your children that dad just cannot help it, it is part of the disease. Then they will be more able to support you with this new behavior, solely attributable to his disease. Try to be understanding of the disease, it sure wreaks havoc on the brain. And be happy that he has a special friend.

I am with Gladimhere. Its part of the disease.

My daughter had a couple at her NH that thought they were married and would fight if you tried to separate them. I think they may have shared a room. Both had spouses that visited.

My GFs mother was very aware that this could happen. We walked in on Mr. S kissing a lady. Mrs. S understood but she left crying.

My one question would be, why aren't the residents being kept in their rooms? I know, its near impossible with Dementia patients. I really do think this news could have waited though.

Don't apply 'normal rules' to a disease that throws everything normal right out the window! If possible, try to think about your husband's comfort and happiness right now. If he is happy having someone to care about in his MC home, then that may keep him on a better path in general, with less anxiety and acting out. Remember that he's not doing this to hurt you or his children in ANY way, shape or form.........he's just been taken over by a brain disease that's changed him. Entirely. He's no longer the husband or father he used to be, thanks to Alzheimers/dementia.

When I was working in a Memory Care home, we had a man who'd come see his wife every single day. She could not stand him..........she berated him, she said filthy, nasty, foul things to him the entire time he visited. Nobody could understand WHY he'd put himself through the torture chamber known as the daily visits to her. He did so because he knew in his heart that it was the disease throwing those ugly words at him, and not the woman he loved and who he'd married many years previously. The disease stripped her away from him, and it wasn't her fault. So he continued the visits day after day after day. This woman was also well known for taking off her blouse & bra & showing herself off to the men in the home. Plus, she was known for showing up in their rooms at night........her husband knew about her 'appetite' as well, and he just chalked it off to dementia too.

Explain to your children that Dad needs comfort; that he's getting comfort from a new friend at his Memory Care, but that it has nothing to do with THEM or with YOU, or with the love he feels for all of you. It's hard to wrap your minds around such facts, but if you want to allow yourselves (and him) to move forward with a good quality of life, it's necessary. If your children see & hear YOU accepting the situation, they may come around a bit more easily themselves.

I'm really sorry for everything you're all going through. Dementia and Alzheimers is such a dreadful disease, I know, my mother has dementia and lives in Memory Care herself. Sometimes I don't even know WHO she is, she's so foul and ugly. In fact, all she does is badmouth my father who she was married to for 68 years and who died 5 years ago June. While I don't like all the nonsense that comes out of her mouth, I chalk it off to her disease. Easy to say, harder to do, right?

Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with all of this. It's a lot to process.

Ditto to Glad's observations. I think I would want to be told, but not sure. Since loneliness is such a hard part of being in a facility, do try to see it as "good for him" to have a "friend". Try to come to peace with it. I guess I'd want to know from admin if it did move to "friend w/benefits" since the girlfriend's LOs might not be thrilled with that and it may be fraught with legal issues. However, I'm not sure how to prevent it. If it's working for now just let it roll. I wish you and your family peace in your hearts over it!

The supervisor had nothing better to do than to go out of her/his way to call you and tell you your husband had a girlfriend? OMG!!! That is cruel. Why? That news must be shared now? It couldn't wait until after the lock down, before you come to visit your husband? That supervisor must enjoy giving bad news to families.

I’m sorry for your hurt. The supervisor was needlessly cruel

Really insensitive supervisor to tell OP this now, given that they are on lockdown.  This can be dealt with when lockdown is over

I don’t know what to say other than I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I don’t have experience in this area. I would be devastated too. Best wishes to you and your family.

PatriceAnne
I am so sorry your husband has had Alz for over ten years and had evidently gotten to the point to where you needed to place him.
Your retirement years seem to have been about his illness.
Here are articles you might relate to. Give it some time and enjoy your children and grands and know that your husband is happy where he is.
The person who called you needs educating. It seems hard to believe she could be in her position and not be more empathetic.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2007/nov/30/mentalhealth.g2

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/justice-oconnors-husband-finds-new-love/


https://www.google.com/amp/s/abcnews.go.com/amp/TheLaw/Politics/story%3fid=3858553&page=1

Sadly, this is not unusual behavior for someone with dementia. One of the major issues with memory care residents is loneliness. I remember seeing my wife coming down the hall hand in hand with another resident (male). I was initially shocked but then realized why she's in memory care. The need for companionship is real and although it's heartbreaking for you to hear that happening, please try your hardest not to be angry or feel betrayed. Depending on the stage of his disease, he may think he's with you. Look forward to your visit and being with him again.



The supervisor's behavior is reprehensible. I would document and report the supervisor's insensitivity to her agency and request that she not be your husband's care supervisor.

A different slant: I was single for nearly 20 years after husband left me for a younger model, before I met and married DH2. When on my own, I found it was much easier to love someone than it is to fully respect them, certainly to agree to marry them (I turned down several proposals). If you can, let your DH have a little bit of love in his life. Remember that you are the one he respected, married and spent the best years of his life with.

The only reason I can think of is for your financial/asset protection. Does your spouse have a Will in place, and are you the DPOA of him? I kept distant relatives from visiting my Mom because frankly, I was suspicious of their intentions when they hadn't bothered to see her in years and then all of a sudden wanted to come to Denver all the way from Missouri to visit her. She had substantial assets, and she could still sign her name for a short while after she was diagnosed with probable Alzheimer's/Dementia.

I always chaperoned any questionable relatives or friends. Perhaps ask that the two be moved away from one another (if the facility is large enough).

That happened at the nursing home my MIL was at. An Alzheimer’s patient was married but she didn’t know that so she went around hugging and sitting by another man. I’m sure it bothered the husband but he had to know she is like a little child now with little memory of her former life. He would pretend he didn’t notice.

Did the supervisor give a reason for telling you? It seems a strange way of dealing with this at a time when nothing can be done, moreover what is there to be done? Did the supervisor have any suggestions? Do they think that it is causing an issue in the home? I would ring them back and ask. I would also tell them the effect that this has had on you or talk to someone else there, who you trust. At the end of the day this is one of the more difficult aspects of dementia and is not a reflection of your relationship - just another symptom of the terrible illness. Good luck. xx

This happened to my grandmother years ago. Her husband had dementia and forgot he was married. He started to date another woman. My poor grandmother was heartbroken. After all, how could he cheat after so many years together? Her children tried to comfort her with the fact he truly did not know what he was doing. For one, he couldn’t stand to be around anyone that smoked and his new girlfriend was a chain smoker 🤷‍♀️. I think this helped her to realize he did not have the same mind anymore. The hurt was real, but in time she was able to forgive and see it for what it was. I’m sorry you are going through this. Wishing you peace

I am sorry for your deep pain over this happening.

If he still knew you before the lock down, then I can relate to him literally betraying you. If he did not know who you were before the lock down, then it may well be that he didn't realize what he was doing.

May God bless you in your sorrow.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Maybe he doesn't remember he has a wife? All they told you is he had a girlfriend? That is a hurtful thing to say. Since he is in memory care, there could be many reasons for his behavior.

It is quite Easy in thses care Homes to reach Outto others around you. However, Unless your hubby has "Lost his Witts" and has taken on a New woman because of THIS, I would be Pissed. I know there would not be any sex involved, Bu tjust the idea of Companionship during the Virus is hurtful. Let it go for now, But whne the Smoke clears, Let them both know Wifey Poo is There to Care...When Grandma died and Gramps ended up in a Care Home, He took on a girlfriend and MOM had a FIT.lolxx

Kind of wondering what they mean by "are a couple". Like just hanging out in the common area together? Depending on his level of dementia, he could very well think that she is you. Sad either way, but with dementia, not too unusual.

You will see him soon and everything will be forgotten, especially by him. So don't worry. Call your Alzheimer Association … and start attending their support group.

Of course this is heart wrenching. You deserve your emotions. But you might think of it as your husband is gone, because the man you married is. The man that is there now -would you date or marry him if you just met him today for the first time? No. You are honoring your marriage to the man that was by showing grace and allowing him to find comfort with a new friend, This doesn't mean it is easy for you or or children. But you have to remember, the man you knew is not the same man doing this.

PatriceAnne, you haven't been back, i am sure you are hurt and having a very hard time with understanding the comments here. Know that we all understand your hurt at a time there are so many changes in your life. Know when you are ready to come back we will all try to help.

I will add that there is no reason for you to take on any responsibility for any of this. This is how the disease progresses for so mamy. You had reached a point that you could no longer provide the care he needs. That is OK. And this friend would still be a friend even if you had been able to visit him these past weeks.

None of this is your fault, nothing to feel guilty about.

My mother's nursing home has set up a face-time via the Zoom app once a week with family members. Maybe they could do something like this just to make contact.

Aside and your obvious concern for the situation and for your husband, this mental change that he is going through, just like my mother's dementia and her inability to reason thoughts anymore, constantly reminds me of the vast unknown of the human landscape and especially the brain.

Thank you for sharing this story -- it must be frustrating...and unbelievable. It would be nice to hear what happens when you can begin visiting again...

I agree with what some others have said...I am not sure why the supervisor felt the need to tell you at this particular time.  I don't know why she would tell you that at any time.  If we weren't in a quarantine situation, you would have witnessed it for yourself at some point, but it is still a mental adjustment for you to realize that the man you have spent your life with is no longer there.  Another poster pointed something out that I hadn't thought of before.  If you were to meet your husband today for the first time, more than likely he would not be someone you would want to marry.  He is mentally impaired and no longer the same person.  You and your children want the best for him and you want what time he has left to be a time of calm and peace.  Try to be happy that he has companionship that seems to resonate with him.  I know it is hard to accept that they are gone when they are right in front of you...but that is the ugly painful side of dementia.

Take care.

This is pretty common.
Dementia, he is not the person you married. He may not even realize he is married. Or even had a "life" previously. His reality is the here and now and that reality changes constantly. She can easily form another attachment next week as could he. Or this could go on.
EVERYONE wants to be close to someone else. A hand to hold, someone that is a constant when things around you are confusing.
It is common in Memory Care for this to happen and the supervisor I think was letting you know so that it would not be a shock when you visited again.
The first time you plan on going to see your husband contact the Memory Care and ask that they keep "girl #2" occupied so you can have some time together. It will not change things but you will not have to deal with her at the moment. Later you can do that.
You have done noting "wrong" nor has he.
A "wrong" would be to do something intentionally that was to meant to hurt you or the kids.
Ask yourself this...if he did not have dementia, a broken brain would he ever have gone out and looked for a girlfriend? (some men your husbands age would still be out looking and finding..) If he would have then you can feel betrayed but if he never would have done so you don't have to feel like he has betrayed you.
It is possible that this "girl #2" has traits that you have and she reminds him of you and that makes him feel safe and somehow familiar.

The term “girlfriend” is what baffles me. What exactly does that mean? Perhaps the term “friend” or “special friend” is more appropriate? The Supervisor may need educated in how to inform family members of this type of situation. Perhaps the term “girlfriend“ was her way of adding humor and cuteness to the situation. Call and speak with the Administrator and express respectfully how upsetting it was to you and your family with the use of the term “girlfriend”. Ask for more information. It may help to better understand. I agree with the others the disease is such that your husband may now no longer know he is married. Please do not take it personally it isn’t about you.

I would ask the supervisor to please explain the behavior involved in this relationship. Why call the family if your husband has a "friend" unless the relationship involves activity reserved for marital relationships. After getting clarification, you may need to talk with a counsellor about this new dynamic in your relationship with your husband. I won't tell what you need to do, except that you need to decide if you can live with this or need your husband moved away from his new gal pal.

That supervisor needs to be called on the carpet. Who would do that unless she was being funny but didn’t explain.

My husband was in a memory care unit. He had women that chased him a lot. I would tell/ask them to leave his room. I would ask workers too help remove them too. He would tell me " I had to tell them I am a married man" It all shocked and amazed me at the same time. Those memory care units are disgusting foul places. I hated my husband being there but it was necessary for his and my safety. Couples in a place like that was the not in my radar at first. Strangely it happens. For some reason no one wears the clothes that came with them.. I tried to keep up with his things but it was too hard. I gave up. Its communal to share most things. Wierd.

This also happened with my husband . The nursing homes are required to report to you about any changes or happenings such as falls. I wrote a question in to this website also and got good advice. My husband and his " friend " would sit and hold hands. I tried not to have it bother me thinking it was a comfort to him to have a special someone. It really bothered his daughter, age 56. She thought it was "weird ". When I was able to visit I would take him away from her and go to another room to visit. What really bothered me was the kissing. One time I said in front of her, in a very loud voice, NO KISSING! She got the message. Try not to let it bother you. The companionship may make him feel less lonely and much happier.