Deliver Mom to his new home, wherever that is. If he has moved out of State or out of City you may be down to the ER dump, which is having Emergency Services transport Grandmother to a hospital, leaving the name and number of next of kin, and telling Social Services on your way out that you cannot accept her back into your home, and cannot care for her either physically nor mentally (even if that home is jointly held with yourself and husband). I would let him know that you will be forced to do this if conditions remain as they are. Give him a month to make arrangements. What is the physical and mental condition of the grandmother. Have you or has he been the primary caregiver, and for how long?
If this is a recent split with your husband, there is still some shaking down to sort out what is going to happen. Most guys walk out to a flat with the sound system and the car, not with their grandma!
Clearly things can’t remain like this, but it may depend on the finances. Have you been renting yourselves, or is the house in joint names, or does it actually belong to grandma? If you could give more details, we could make more realistic suggestions. Are you still in contact with your husband, or has he gone AWOL completely? This may turn out to be one for the lawyers and the APS, but there really ought to be room for some rational discussion first.
You have my total sympathy for an impossible situation.
I am no longer in contact with him and have changed my number. My adult son relays messages and he doesn’t care about me calling APS. I own my own home, although this is a community property state, has no relevance regarding him leaving her here. He should have taken her with him wherever he went. She has been with us for 2yrs and was taken out of the nursing home. They have not gotten along and yelled at each other for the last 2 yrs. She makes our lives miserable and is impossible to live with. She begs for cigarettes from strangers on the corner and has been brought back home by them. My kids and myself don’t even want to come home. She has dementia and picks up butts from off the ground. She knocks on the neighbors door and asks children for cigarettes and nothing helps. She has lung disease and should not be smoking. She doesn’t want to bathe, or even get dressed. I’m afraid for her being here when I’m at work, he was here in the day time with her. I have called everyone and don’t know what to do.
Where are her children?Because they r the people who should make sure she is cared for. Either in their homes or placing her somewhere. I would contact them and tell them that someone needs to take over you have no authority and cannot be responsible for her. If they say, no, then tell them u will be calling APS and allowing them to take over her care. At that time, you will give them their phone numbers so they can be contacted.
She has 1 son who claims he can’t take her and I don’t have his address to drop her off. She is intolerable and everyone knows it. I already told him I was calling APS and he doesn’t care! He claims he has nowhere to bring her because he is living with my son for now.
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this situation. What a freaking nightmare!
I certainly understand why you are divorcing him! He is showing NO consideration for you.
Bring granny over to your sons house, or do you think he would walk out on your son too?
Why was she taken out of her nursing home to live with you? Was she in a nursing home close to your home? Did you agree to that or did he just bring her home?
What a sad situation for your children.
Who have you spoken to regarding her care?
Wishing you all the best in this horribly stressful and dangerous situation!
Well if I was Grandma... Old, demented, taken in by family, then dumped on someone... Well I would hope someone just bundled me up, dropped me off somewhere safe. Hospital or Police Station - Nurses may understand my needs better than Police.. ? Then a nursing home would do. Somewhere with a bed, a shower, hope of some hot meals.
Pack up her things and drop her off at the home of whoever has her POA. You're not the one responsible for your husband's grandmother if the two of you have split. She's no longer your family and responsibility. If you want to be her caregiver and choose to, then you need a contract in writing agreeing to whatever your demands for taking it on. In that contract, make sure it's clearly stipulated that the first time a payment is not made to you, granny gets dropped off at her POA's house.
I wouldn't even worry about a contract. Sounds like there is no one with the responsibility to carry the info thru. APS or ER, you are not her Caregiver and you are not related.
Who told you you would be charged with abandonment? You need to tell a state social worker from elderly services that there is an at risk elderly person in your home that you cannot take care of or be responsible for. They need to take guardianship of her. If the wheels move too slowly, yes follow BurtCaregiver's advice and get her to the ER and have them do a social admit. You won't be charged with abandonment, you never signed up for providing for her care in the first place.
Call 911 NOW! Expand one of grandma’s symptoms (can’t breathe, chest pain, disoriented). Insist she be taken to the hospital to get checked out. The hospital will need to contact next of kin which is not you. The end.
My dear mother in law was already in a nursing home when my husband and I finally divorced. I had no legal power but was allowed to represent her for Security Security to pay for her stay at the nursing home (and before that SSI). I had to go once a year (it may have been every six months) to reestablish her eligibility. I was amazed at what they let me do in the way of decisions. When my x-husband died of cancer 5 1/2 months after our divorce (I didn't realize he was sick) I was her only representative. Even though legally I was no longer related to her in any way. Her daughter lived in another state. But never took over the making decisions part. I didn't mind doing it as it was easy stuff to do. And I loved my mother in law so visiting her at the home was a pleasure even though by that time she only knew me as the lady who cared for her. When she died I had to point out to the nursing home that I had no power to make decisions as to what to do with her body. That I was no longer married to her son who had just passed away. I gave them the daughter's phone number but since the calls were from where I lived she wouldn't take the calls. So I had to tell her that her mother was gone via e-mail. The daughter finally stepped up and took over getting her body to where the daughter lived. I'm telling this because sometimes when you are doing all the paperwork the powers to be will look the other way and let you. The most important part is NEVER sign anything that would make you financially responsible. In the OP position I would go with the suggestions here, have her taken to a hospital, give them all the info on her son and let them handle it from there. They will contact him and make it his responsibility. Please keep us posted on how it turns out.
You need to contact the husband and tell him that she is he responsibility not yours. And since you have no authority to care for her, it will come back on him. Maybe he is setting up care for her and getting a bed takes time? Maybe he will come back at diff times of day to care for her? Wow I hope he didn't forget about her. Maybe he thinks you will be forced to care for her? Legally I don't see how. Poor woman!
You can call 911 to say she is neglected and no one is feeding or caring for her. And that she is very dehydrated and sitting in her own filth! Ex abandoned her. Didnt tell you anything. You thought he was caring for her,, then found out she was alone and he didn't show. Hasnt been back. I wouldn't do that unless absolutely necessary bc it will just make the divorce even worse. Whatever you do dont sign anything! Ever. My sibling tried to get me to sign the nursing home paperwork. So did the director. I said no way. I'm getting sued bc she stopped paying. She thought it was funny. Keep us updated.
jasmina - Calling 911 and saying neglected/dehydrated/sitting in filth would very likely get this poster in big trouble. No reasonable person, related or not, can just leave another person to starve/sit in filth/dehydrate while they live under the same roof. Grandma live in the SAME home as poster.
It would be like you having a step child in your home and hubby walks out one day leaving the kid behind with you. What do you think the police are gonna say to you when you tell them you 'found' the kid in YOUR house in that condition. You and hubby - both - would be talking to a judge and getting 3 hots and a cot at the local jail.
Since you don't have a POA and are not next of kin, this ties your hands. Of course, you can't just dump her on the streets. However, you also do not have "legal rights" to direct her care - that would be your ex-husband's responsibility.
Please start by contacting an attorney that specializes in elder law in your state or call a hospital and ask form help from their social service department. Yes, you will have to pay for their help, but it will be well worth it. Follow their advice to get grandmother into a long term care facility and pay for it using her resources.
It may be a bit of a lengthy process, but I'm praying for you for perseverance and for good outcomes for both of you and grandmother.
I don't believe she needs an attorney in this case. She simply needs to contact APS. If APS is too slow to respond or doesn't take care of the situation and grandmother is in danger to herself or of the house, OP needs to call 911. If OP for example needs to work or otherwise can't supervise grandmother and grandmother is in a dangerous situation being alone, OP needs to get her out of that environment. What OP DOES NOT have to do is pay for care or be her caregiver herself
I'm going to ask a question to make sure I and others understand the family situation.
Tmadonna1 has said her husband's grandmother is the elder with all the issues. In response to JoAnn29's question about children, the response was that "She has 1 son who claims he can’t take her and I don’t have his address to drop her off."--if this is the case, then it would appear to be that the "1 son" is Tmadonna1's father-in-law--that is, the father of her soon-to-be ex-husband. In an answer to MargaretMcKen, she also said "My adult son relays messages..."
I'm just trying to make sure I understand how many generations there are. Are we talking about a great-grandmother who has "1 son" who claims he can't take care of her (who would appear to be the FIL of the OP, and therefore the grandfather of the "adult son who relays messages"), the grandson who is the husband who left the OP, and then the great-grandson who is the "adult son" who relays messages? If this is true, then the elderly woman needing care must be very old to have an adult great-grandson. However, in Tmadonna1's profile, she mentions taking care of "45 y/o Tracy", as JoAnn29 noticed.
Does anyone else interpret this differently, or have I overlooked something. Of course if there are some "steps" as opposed to biological relations, then this might account for some of this. Perhaps Tmadonna1 can help us on this.
In any case, I hope Tmadonna1 can find an appropriate solution from all the (positive) suggestions.
So who took care of grandma before you split? And did you ask grandma what she would or could do at this point? Too many blanks to just say...what do I do now..and your other have is another one you will need to start with.
I agree with mstrbill and BurntCaregiver. You are not responsible for taking care of this person. Do not spend money on an attorney. Do not involve your son. You already know how things would go with your ex so trying to involve him is a waste of time. So sorry you are in this mess. Keep us posted.
Well, if you split - are you filing for divorce? Has hubby filed for divorce? If either of you has filed, contact lawyer for that representation and tell the lawyer about grandma. The grandma issue could be remedied that way. If not started yet and you want her out of the house, get someone to help you locate a child of the grandma and any living grandchildren. It's not that hard these days on the internet. Send her children (and POA, if she has one) a letter giving them a deadline to move her elsewhere - certified, signature return receipt - and mail copies to all of the grandchildren so they are aware their parent has been notified.
Surely you (or your children??) know where hubby is. You might try contacting him first...and record the phone call/keep copy of texts/letters... to find out what his plan for g'ma is. If he is couch surfing at the moment, then tell him he needs to arrange round the clock care for mom until he finds a place to live. I mean, did he just walk out the door mad one day or is this a for sure divorce situation?
If you love the woman and don't care if she stays in your home, w/her family providing the paid in-home care - then tell them that. If she has income, then hire whatever care she can afford to start helping you right now. (Assuming she can write a check to pay for the care).
If you want her removed, then call your Dept of Aging and tell them the situation - ask how to get her placed in nursing home, assisted living, etc - whatever her needs and finances are.
I doubt APS is going to do anything quickly for this reason: If you have a small child and drop it off with your parent and then don't return, APS will not consider that abuse or neglect in any way because you left the child in the care of a responsible family member. If parent doesn't want the child, they may help you place in foster care or other home. They may provide you with paperwork to act on behalf of the child. They may even find financial aid for you to care for the child. But it will take some time. If they could just get you POA, it would be helpful.
The shortest answer is to send a certified letter with a 30 (or 60, 90) day notice to move out. Children/grandchildren are not legally responsible for her and you shouldn't count on them to do anything. If they cared, they would have taken her with them by now. I know it's a tough decision but, that's life.
Some Eldercare attorneys do free 15 minute consults. Not all, so be prepared to call around. I talked with one office who referred me to someone who did do that. I called the one they referred, and asked his assistant if I could get an answer to one question, or if they provided the free 15 min consult. I was able to talk with him over the phone and get my question answered. Good luck!
Call your husband and let him know that he has to make arrangements for his Grandmother or you will be calling Senior Abuse and report abandonment for him deserting his Grandmother.
If neither of you are willing to take care of the Grandmother and there are no other relatives thst will step up, than husband needs to make arrangements to put her in a Senior Home.
Call Adult Protection Services. They will guide you in the proper steps. Then contact your local police department and file abandonment charges on him or better yet you can have you attorney do that. Regardless if she has dementia or not don't just drop her off at the hospital. You will have to show you made every attempt to place her properly as a human being, regardless if she is not related to you or not. Your husband can lie and say he had every intent to come back for her and turn the tables on you making it look like you were the one who abandoned her without his consent. Cover all your basis, cross all your t's and dot your i's.
I just read your post explaining whats been going on for the last 2 yrs. Without POA or any legal documents, I personally would call APS and/or do the hospital Social admit. She is no kin to you. But you are making sure shes taken care of until the time comes for her to be removed from your home. I can only imagine what trouble she could get in to alone while you are at work. Hope this all works out and she gets the help she needs and you and your children can finally have some peace in the home.
Okay this one here is by far one the most concerning posts that I've seen. Cause quite frankly it just doesn't make any sense. First you and your husband split up. But he leaves you to care for his grandmother. If that ain't crazy. Then Lady I don't know what is. Now why you two split up or the true nature of your relationship is not important. That is between you and your husband. But there is clearly something else going on here. And there is surely more to this story. But if the house your living in is actually your husband's grandmother house. And if she wants you there and the two of you have an understanding. Well my advice to you is to first document everything. Get everything in writing. And make sure that you are at least covered on that end. But if this is a house that you shared with your husband. And his grandmother was just living with you. Then first I would ask the husband what is/are his true intentions? As to what is his plan? And if he doesn't respond or bothers to care. And if you cannot care for his grandmother. Then you should proceed with taking steps to get her placed in a facility. And move on with your life. But also is/are there any other family members who will be willing to come in and help her? Or take her in? But if this is her house. Honestly you have nothing to say. Except for get out of her house. You are not legally tied to this woman. And if your husband feels for whatever reason he can just walk out and leave you behind to care for his grandmother. Then either he knows you and his grandmother are extremely close. Or he has something else up his sleeve. Or he just doesn't give a darn. Or there may be an issue of finances at stake. Usually when something remotely as close to this happens. Money is always involved. So my advice to you is to clearly identify the role that you play in all this. And be honest with yourself. Cause really this situation is alarming. And something just isn't right on all ends. And lastly if a man, any man or anyone in general could just walk away from everyone and everything. He has shown you that neither you, his own grandmother or anyone else matters to him. But this is a situation that is not going to get any better. Until someone, somebody start telling the truth.
Kayla, OP has been pretty blunt about highly dysfunctional issues, in replies to earlier posts. Ex husband is expecting to go to jail shortly, MIL ‘begs cigarettes’ on street corners and from local children. If that’s all true, expecting OP to be describing a normal situation, or to be explaining things that would make sense (like home ownership), is not realistic. If it’s not true, she’s had appropriate advice already and we should stop stringing it along further.
I can't believe your husband did this to you. Sorry you are in this situation. I think you will get better advice from other posters in this matter. The best to you.
What is the physical and mental condition of the grandmother. Have you or has he been the primary caregiver, and for how long?
Clearly things can’t remain like this, but it may depend on the finances. Have you been renting yourselves, or is the house in joint names, or does it actually belong to grandma? If you could give more details, we could make more realistic suggestions. Are you still in contact with your husband, or has he gone AWOL completely? This may turn out to be one for the lawyers and the APS, but there really ought to be room for some rational discussion first.
You have my total sympathy for an impossible situation.
Call APS to check this?
I certainly understand why you are divorcing him! He is showing NO consideration for you.
Bring granny over to your sons house, or do you think he would walk out on your son too?
Why was she taken out of her nursing home to live with you? Was she in a nursing home close to your home? Did you agree to that or did he just bring her home?
What a sad situation for your children.
Who have you spoken to regarding her care?
Wishing you all the best in this horribly stressful and dangerous situation!
What is stopping you from calling APS?
How old is she? How old are your children?
Granny dump may be needed here...
Burnt is right, gotta do that Social Admit thing. Like, now.
I'm telling this because sometimes when you are doing all the paperwork the powers to be will look the other way and let you. The most important part is NEVER sign anything that would make you financially responsible. In the OP position I would go with the suggestions here, have her taken to a hospital, give them all the info on her son and let them handle it from there. They will contact him and make it his responsibility.
Please keep us posted on how it turns out.
You can call 911 to say she is neglected and no one is feeding or caring for her. And that she is very dehydrated and sitting in her own filth! Ex abandoned her. Didnt tell you anything. You thought he was caring for her,, then found out she was alone and he didn't show. Hasnt been back. I wouldn't do that unless absolutely necessary bc it will just make the divorce even worse.
Whatever you do dont sign anything! Ever. My sibling tried to get me to sign the nursing home paperwork. So did the director. I said no way. I'm getting sued bc she stopped paying. She thought it was funny.
Keep us updated.
It would be like you having a step child in your home and hubby walks out one day leaving the kid behind with you. What do you think the police are gonna say to you when you tell them you 'found' the kid in YOUR house in that condition. You and hubby - both - would be talking to a judge and getting 3 hots and a cot at the local jail.
Please start by contacting an attorney that specializes in elder law in your state or call a hospital and ask form help from their social service department. Yes, you will have to pay for their help, but it will be well worth it. Follow their advice to get grandmother into a long term care facility and pay for it using her resources.
It may be a bit of a lengthy process, but I'm praying for you for perseverance and for good outcomes for both of you and grandmother.
I agree with the poster who suggested you contact APS (adult protective services)
I am sorry that your husband dumped his granny on you. His grandmother is his responsibility not yours.
This however is a good example of why people should plan for their own elder care. People can not and should not depend on relatives.
Tmadonna1 has said her husband's grandmother is the elder with all the issues. In response to JoAnn29's question about children, the response was that "She has 1 son who claims he can’t take her and I don’t have his address to drop her off."--if this is the case, then it would appear to be that the "1 son" is Tmadonna1's father-in-law--that is, the father of her soon-to-be ex-husband. In an answer to MargaretMcKen, she also said "My adult son relays messages..."
I'm just trying to make sure I understand how many generations there are. Are we talking about a great-grandmother who has "1 son" who claims he can't take care of her (who would appear to be the FIL of the OP, and therefore the grandfather of the "adult son who relays messages"), the grandson who is the husband who left the OP, and then the great-grandson who is the "adult son" who relays messages? If this is true, then the elderly woman needing care must be very old to have an adult great-grandson. However, in Tmadonna1's profile, she mentions taking care of "45 y/o Tracy", as JoAnn29 noticed.
Does anyone else interpret this differently, or have I overlooked something. Of course if there are some "steps" as opposed to biological relations, then this might account for some of this. Perhaps Tmadonna1 can help us on this.
In any case, I hope Tmadonna1 can find an appropriate solution from all the (positive) suggestions.
So sorry you are in this mess. Keep us posted.
Surely you (or your children??) know where hubby is. You might try contacting him first...and record the phone call/keep copy of texts/letters... to find out what his plan for g'ma is. If he is couch surfing at the moment, then tell him he needs to arrange round the clock care for mom until he finds a place to live. I mean, did he just walk out the door mad one day or is this a for sure divorce situation?
If you love the woman and don't care if she stays in your home, w/her family providing the paid in-home care - then tell them that. If she has income, then hire whatever care she can afford to start helping you right now. (Assuming she can write a check to pay for the care).
If you want her removed, then call your Dept of Aging and tell them the situation - ask how to get her placed in nursing home, assisted living, etc - whatever her needs and finances are.
I doubt APS is going to do anything quickly for this reason: If you have a small child and drop it off with your parent and then don't return, APS will not consider that abuse or neglect in any way because you left the child in the care of a responsible family member. If parent doesn't want the child, they may help you place in foster care or other home. They may provide you with paperwork to act on behalf of the child. They may even find financial aid for you to care for the child. But it will take some time. If they could just get you POA, it would be helpful.
I called the one they referred, and asked his assistant if I could get an answer to one question, or if they provided the free 15 min consult. I was able to talk with him over the phone and get my question answered. Good luck!
Is the home ya'll are living in hers?
Call your husband and let him know that he has to make arrangements for his Grandmother or you will be calling Senior Abuse and report abandonment for him deserting his Grandmother.
If neither of you are willing to take care of the Grandmother and there are no other relatives thst will step up, than husband needs to make arrangements to put her in a Senior Home.
Prayers