My husband's family removed him from our home, because they felt I didn't understand his FTL dementia.They felt they could care for him better. What to do?

I feel for you . You could contact APS and tell them " You are Married and never got any Papers concerning conservatorship and court " Legally to get conservatorship all relatives must be Notified . You will find people Get greedy when Money is Involved and a Lot of Lying Occurs . I would contact a elder attorney - this is your Husband of 35 Years . APS maybe able to help you speak with him because you have that right to do so and they would have to prove they have the papers for conservatorship which I doubt . Please get some support In this matter . He is probably afraid of them . You Can Not give someone POA after you have been diagnosed with FTL By a Doctor. Get a therapist or elder services involved . You Can also Hire a Lawyer and Have a emergency Order granting a restraining Order to get Him Out of their House and also demand a Doctors exam . A Wife has More power then a Neice

You say your husband constantly tested "negative" for dementia yet, in the same breath, say he has "FTL" dementia which is actually FTD or Frontotemporal Dementia. You were working full time and leaving him alone, I guess, which is not a good thing to do with dementia, it's too dangerous. Did you hold POA for him? Did his family just come and take him out of your home one day w/o your knowledge? They must've felt he needed a lot more care than he was getting and they were willing to give it.

I don't understand your question, "Should I learn more about it and keep trying or learn how to move on with my life? I've been asked not to speak to him because it will be a setback for him." You're married to the man for 35 years. Are you okay never seeing or speaking to him again because his family says it'll be a setback for him? They've plowed their way into your home and removed your husband from it! If you're fine with that, then move on with your life. If you're not fine with all of this, call an Elder Care attorney about YOUR RIGHTS AS HIS WIFE.

Me? I'd have already learned everything possible about FTD and have thrown a huge fit about what my husband's family did. But I'm a fighter and an advocate for those I love.

Good luck to you.

There has to be something you can do. To me this is kidnapping if there is no court paperwork saying they have been given the right by a court to do so. By taking over his money, they are leaving u with no support. You are the wife. You need to see an Elder lawyer and find out what rights you have. You are entitled to half of the marital assets.

On face value of what you have written, if this is true, I would be calling the police because your husband was kidnapped.

But I am assuming there is another side to the story because what you have written here is truly bizarre.

We obviously aren't getting the whole story here, as unless your husband was being abused by you, I find it very hard to believe that any family members could just come in and take him away.
You are his wife and have the final say as to where your husband lives and about his care.
Why did you allow them to just come in and take him away? Do you not love or care about your husband anymore and were just glad to wash your hands of him?
If that's the case, then just see a divorce lawyer and move on with your life and let your husband get the proper care that he needs and deserves.
You may need to share the whole story if you really want to get the best advice, because without it, all any of us can do is read between the lines.

If he doesn't have anything "wrong" with him then why doesn't he call 911 to tell them he's been kidnapped? You can call 911, too.

If he does have FTD, and you're working full-time, maybe his family is concerned he's not getting the care he needs.

If he repeats himself, this is, at a minimum, short-term memory impairment. I would not be leaving someone home alone all day who had this problem. We had to transition my MIL into AL because of this. It's not safe. People with memory loss and dementia will often tell incorrect stories to others. Paranoia is also a symptom of dementia. He may be telling his family he's afraid you because of his paranoia.

And, dementia is progressive, so his care needs will certainly increase. If you're working FT, how to you plan to care for him then and support yourself?

nevermind I misunderstood

Are you legally married? If so, be ready to prove it with documents. Do you have any medical records of his? Find them. Do you have his social security records of any sort, including bank statements showing where the checks were deposited? Put all of these documents into a folder or envelope and take them to a lawyer. The first consultation may be free. Call an eldercare attorney and ask.

It's not possible for someone to just "take over his social security." If his checks are being mailed to him at someone else's address, he could endorse them and turn them over to her. But it has to be of his own free will. Please be aware that if he dies, you have been married long enough to be entitled to his social security retirement benefits. You'll need his social security number and date of birth, and you can visit a social security office or call them to find out if you are eligible.

He has a responsibility to you if you are his legal spouse. If I were you, I'd report him as kidnapped. Elder abuse may be happening. Report that at the same time.

I wish you luck.

If you are legally married (not shacking up, living together, or commonlaw married) but are actually his one true spouse and have a marriage license to prove it, you have a case.

If your husband has nothing wrong with him he can call the police and tell them he's been kidnapped because he has been.

His niece could not have taken over his social security and become his Payee for it unless she has legal POA documents. You mention there being a 'conservator'. Is such is the case that is the person in control here.

You should pobably talk to a lawyer yourself. They can best direct you on what your next move should be.

I would also demand to see the updated will removing you from the inheritance. Someone else can't just take away an inheritance. Only the owner of the assets can do that. I would look to see if he really signed it, or if the signature looks forged.

And if you live in a community property state, then they can't remove a spouse as a beneficiary without your written permission.

There has to be more to this story, doesn't add up.

Are you married to him? Who has the DPOA?

You have been married to your husband for over 35 years and his relatives just walked into your home and moved him out of your home? Did your husband give them POA? It’s time for you to seek the advice of an elder law attorney to see what your rights are and if they have violated your rights.

No your Husband has been brainwashed and taken advantage of - someone with FTL becomes very child Like and really easy to brain wash . They Can Not really fend for themselves . My Dad was also Kidnapped from His Home and taken 3000 Miles away - he was More Like a 8 year Old boy - he could Not use a Phone since quarantine . I Lived with him for 15 years . Since I am in Boston and he is in California a Lawyer in Massachusetts can Not represent me in California . The Lawyer at Harvard law school said " Let It Go - it is too Much stress on You . " He is My Dad and My heart was broken and I went Into a severe depression But I got therapy and support and spoke with lawyers and went Out to California . Long story short wish I had better advice for you . Someone with FTL will need a Lot of Care . He is Not afraid of you But people with dementia become very Helpless and yes they can Pass the cognitive tests . Very sad after 35 years for you to have your Husband Taken away . Do You have children or any One for support ? I wish You the best - you have been betrayed . Just stay strong and take care of yourself and try and find a advocate or therapist . Sorry this Happened to you and your husband . The lawyers cost me $10,000 and going to California another $5000 But they have to show you the papers . I think they are Bluffing .

Call APS; why was that not done on day one of this?
They will investigate. You need to tell them that your husband has been taken by the family and you suspect ELDER ABUSE AND FRAUD.
Ask them to investigate. Give them any proof of history of dementia.

If their finding is that your husband is competent to make this decision then he is competent enough for you to sue him for divorce, get division of assets, and make a new life. See an attorney the day you know he is considered competent under the law to make his own decisions.

Pretty simple. He either is competent and prefers to be with family and give them his money; you just need to protect YOUR HALF of the assets.
If he is incompetent the APS can assist you in getting temporary guardianship, removal and placement, but make no mistake, this could be a legal fight. Be sure you care enough to protect him and want his entire care, financial and otherwise on you. And be sure you want to/are capable of being his guardian. It is a LEGAL financial fiduciary duty which makes you responsible for every penny in and every penny out. You become a file drawer.

I hope you have already protected whatever funds you can yourself move. If that isn't done then DO IT TODAY.

You will soon enough need an attorney. The question is whether elder law or divorce.

As others have said, some of this does not make sense. "They" cannot take his Social Security or remove you as his heir if you are still married to him. Nor can they take his driver's license away; it has to be done by the proper legal authority in your state. And specifically, who is "they"?

Regarding researching frontal-temporal lobe dementia (or any form of dementia), you cannot find anything so specific as whether a husband might be afraid of his spouse. It's enough to know that it is a serious form of dementia and that at some point--perhaps that point was already reached--he cannot be left alone. You've indicated that you continued to work full-time as he has been declining. Could it be that the situation while you are at work is unsafe for him, and that's why his relatives had him removed from your home? I'm bewildered on this point, because in one place you seemed to indicate he was still working outside the home. Could you clarify? Also, while we've suggested you call APS, you have written that you've spent $10,000 on a lawyer. What is the lawyer trying to do for you, and has she/he had any success?

I hesitate to offer any advice about your speaking to your husband, but if you can speak with him and want to do so, you might consider whether the relatives are simply making an excuse to keep you from talking with him. How can they know if it will be a "setback" for him if you talk with him? You matter, too, and it may be very helpful for you to talk with him. If the relatives want to keep him from talking with you and one of them has conservatorship, she/he could probably do so, but so far, you've simply been asked not to talk with him.

I'm sorry to ask so many questions, but I think most of us are still having difficulty understanding the situation, and that is making it difficult to try to offer you advice that might be helpful. The lawyer on whom you've spent $10,000 should be better equipped to advise you than we are. Can you explain how we might be able to help you in ways that the lawyer has not been helpful? We are saddened by your situation, but I think many of us are unclear on what we can do to better it.

reneko,
Can you please return to answer some questions posted here, and to let us know if you have retained counsel of an attorney in this matter.
We would so appreciate more information and an update.

There's something you're not telling us. The family can not just come in your home and take your husband. If anyone tried that here there would be a literal fight! Did they come when you were at work? Was it an intervention because you weren't taking proper care of him? He drives? And works? One day he won't be able to do either and maybe shouldn't be now. If your story is true why didn't you call the police?

Your husband has FTD not FTL. You need to research this disease. My husband was diagnosed through brain scans in 2021, but, we now know the red flags were there years before. He is 100% dependent on me now. We have an elder law attorney and a very explicit Will, Health Directive, Financial POA, etc.
This situation you’re in is ridiculous!! Nobody from the family can just come in and remove him! Are you kidding me? That’s a crime! If Social Services or Office of the Aging demanded it due to abuse, that’s another story, Something doesn’t make sense here. FTD is a despicable disease and gets worse by the month. My husband is in the last stage - nonverbal and doesn’t know many commands anymore- not even the word “no”. It’s not a walk in the park, but, you should find out everything you can about it, get to a support group and a brain scan if he hasn’t had one already. The fact that the family took over and removed him is crazy!

reneko: Contact APS.

Now I read that "they" are trying to get a bifurcation divorce.
This story gets more and more odd.
No one can "get" a divorce for someone. People sue for divorce one spouse against the other, or they agree on a divorce.
You are legally married? Then you are next of kin unless your husband actually appointed someone ELSE as his POA/guardian. YOU would be his guardian almost automatically before the courts in almost any state in the union EVEN in the event he has children from a first marriage.
Someone swooping into your home and secreting your husband out of the home would be a kidnapping, especially if he is helpless and under your legal care by documentation.
I am not understanding this at all, and can only guess there is much missing in this story, and again recommend to you an attorney who DOES know this entire story.

Let them try. Then they’ll know.

I think you’ve gone as far as you can go. Stop obsessing about whether he is afraid of you.
If you really don’t care about the money, let them have him. Gather up all his things and take them over. You need to take care of yourself.
Now - watch how fast they try to dump him back on you once he starts getting expensive.

I don't really understand this. If my spouses family came to our home and tried to take over and physically remove my spouse from our home, I would lose it! How did they get all of your husbands information? Who has POA? Do you own the home you're in? Are both your names on it? So they were able to get conservatorship and he hasn't even been formally diagnosed with dementia? Does his family have a lot of money? Just trying to figure out how they were able to move on all of this...they seem well versed in how to quickly cut you out of the picture when they shouldn't even be in the picture. Sorry but I have more questions than answers...

Consult an Elder Law Attorney in your area because this entire situation sounds fishy to me. FTD is a dementia; frontal temporal lobe dementia and it is a very complex diagnosis.

Call a lawyer. Now.

Learn for yourself about FTL dementia. I assume you are mentally competent and capable - so you can continue caring for him. Contact a lawyer about your concerns about his family overstepping decision-making for your husband.

FTL is dementia so how could he test negative? You need to get an eldercare lawyer. Families can't just take people away. Your husban's family probably did have him sign over his durable power of attorney to them without him realizing what he did. Perhaps you can apply to a court be his conservator. Absent legal documents, there is absolutely nothing you can do. But first, see a lawyer or you will lose everything. You have every right to speak to your husband and you have every right to his share of the income. If you move on with your life, be sure to divorce him first so you can get your fair share of the marital assets.

Talk to a lawyer. When he dies, you get his inheritance. I don't know how they can cut you, his wife, out.

By law the spouse is in line to make decisions. He is being taken advantage of. Protect your assets. See an elder lawyer. They will take everything. How did they get him in the first place? Why did you let them?

I am sure there is more to this story than OP is telling us.