He does just fine in casual engagements with friends and neighbors, but treats me like the enemy. Has no regard for the care I give. The constant enmity breaks my heart. This really started last Nov. but now things have gone down rapidly. I need help getting him a diagnosis so he can begin to accept help he needs. Right now he rejects everything, as he has more trouble dealing with basic problem solving, among other things.
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation and I hope your husband allows an exam with his PCP to take place as a starting point. My heart goes out to you for all this suffering you're experiencing.
God bless you,
But he did listen when I read him the riot act, backed him down, and told him I was not the enemy!
Then, I let go of a lot of things, as he isolated himself from me more and more.
It is disturbing to watch him not even understand something simple or be able to work it out. As he tries to work it out, I will walk away, realizing this is something so unimportant that he does right, or even does at all! His dignity is more important. I still want to be his wife. I will care give in ways that I am able. But I refuse to be his task master. Some things just cannot be fixed.
• Being the enemy does pass, but the condition worsens
• Dignity is important
I want my husband to focus on the beautiful parts of life daily. I hope to remove things from his life that cause stress.
This puts a lot of stress on me, and I fail quite often. This forum is helpful.
Thank you for your post
I think it might (possibly) be worth trying the ‘please and thankyou’ line. It’s less complex than dealing with the total behavior. If he wants something, he gets it if he says please. It gets removed if he doesn’t say thankyou. My marriage works along the ‘please and thankyou’ line anyway, so nothing ever gets removed! And simple courtesy might change the vibes. How about that for an ‘old-fashioned mummy’ type idea?
This forum is very helpful, as so many people seem to be dealing with very similar issues.
Thank you and God bless you and your husband.
Yes, these types of things are very stressful. And we often fail. But we pick ourselves up and try to do better. Time and time again. It's not easy, no doubt about it.
Getting support is soooo helpful. I am very thankful for this forum.
If hubby is nice when people are around, maybe have more company! More work for you but might be worth it too.
Best of luck.
Personally, I would tell him that you will be there, as long as he doesn't abuse you in any way, including but, not limited to, verbally, emotionally, psychologically or physically.
He, obviously, knows how to be civil or he would be a jerk with others.
Being scared, confused or whatever isn't a free pass to abuse you. That's what he's doing and you need to tell him to knock it off or he can live in a facility with others taking care of him.
Maybe that sounds mean or harsh but, statistics show 40% of caregivers die before those they are caring for, putting up with this crap is a lot of stress and that is a killer. You matter as much as he does, take care of you and put those boundaries in place and enforce them.
Ask the doctor to encourage him to include you in what's going on. Additionally, I would tell your husband you can't take care of him without knowing what he needs, so he may have to consider a care home. That sounds harsh, but maybe it would remind him how good he has it with a loving wife.
Please take a look at your finances and make sure you have control over them. With his decline and attitude, you're in danger of him being financially abusive, too. My FIL does not let my MIL spend money without his approval, and he's a selfish, nasty man. Without her sons, she would be in dire straits.
Is there any way you can get a caregiver to help? If your husband nicer to others than to you, it would give you a little distance from the abuse. And please, get SOMEONE for a few days so you can take a break.
Good luck. I'm so sorry it's this hard. You never picture your spouse turning on you in their last years, especially if the marriage has been good all this time.
You sort of have a chicken-and-egg situatiion here. You need to get him diagnosed, but if you're not his PoA (and no one is), he may not be able to fill out the PoA if he is incapacitated. If I were you I'd attempt to "incentivize" him to sign the PoA that you have at home and ready. I will Private Message you what to do, so go into your Profile and find my message.
If he makes threats to you, you call 911. If you have a smart phone then video his threats and behaviors.
What may end up happening if you can't get him to a doctor and can't get a PoA and he doesn't cooperate with his care and is in any ways threatening to you or endangers you, or is delusional, you will need to keep calling 911 when this happens. He will be taken to the hospital, and then make sure the discharge staff knows he is an unsafe discharge and that you are not his PoA. Ask for the hospital social worker to talk about guardianship by the county. FYI the hospital will make all sorts of promises to get you to take him back home -- do not believe any of it! They just want him discharged.
I basically had to do this with my step-FIL who had Parkinsons with Lewey Body dementia. Eventually the county did get guardianship and he went to a facility and was protected and cared for. At that point, with him having no mind, body or money -- it's all that could be done.
I wish you strength, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work towards "least bad options" in this situation.
Now as I read your responses below “Husband had excluded me from m his HIPPA and I have no control over his finances. He pays for mortgage and utilities; the rest is a fight, to put it mildly.” Makes me wonder a couple of things that might alter my approach a bit. First, have you been married long and is this a second marriage for him? Does he have or do you share grown children, someone else that are cleared on his HIPPA approval? This only potentially changes the immediacy of needing someone on there. It wasn’t that long ago that simply being the spouse automatically gave you medical information and decision making so he may just assume that’s the way it is and if he’s developing cognitive issues being asked for something more official makes him suspicious. Trying to keep or regain “control” and suspicion are common as people start to loose those things as are hiding symptoms and objects, trying to “cover up” and defaulting to anger. Have your financial responsibilities always been separate or are the mortgage and utilities the only things he’s paying now because that’s what he has total control over? If new and since you do have some of your own income rather than fight with him over money for food say, get your meals when out of the house and only serve things already there. You can’t go grocery or supply shopping without money so maybe not having milk in the house for that reason will help him put things together.
He’s hard on you because he can’t hide his needs from you. You aren’t actually what he’s angry at you are just the target that gets the brunt of it, truth is he doesn’t have the control over his behavior you give him credit for and he wants to have. So instead of pointing that out by “taking” any independence, even though that is not your intention when trying to help, try resisting helping without being asked or offer “should I take this, would you like…” and accept the answer, hard as it may be. He may be quicker to appreciate your help if it’s his idea. Maybe
Call his physician and share these symptoms and needs for the physician guidance on appointments, caregiving etc. If you really do not think you can get him into the doctor ! Sometimes there may be safety issues with this) then ask his physician about a
" Housecall Physician" service where someone will come to the home. These are available most areas now.
If your husband becomes too violent or uncontrollable or seems heading in an unsafe direction for you or himself do not hesitate to call 911 immediately.....let the pros handle it and document.....
Your husband may also be fearful of what he is noticing in himself and this fear , grief is coming out as anger toward you.
There are many dynamics that could be happening and, YOU need help..... Call his physician and go from there or if husband is too adverse or beligerant call 911 and have them transport him to ER .
You both need help . Also speak with your clergy if you practice a faith for their support.
(copy and paste) https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/guide/manage-sundowning
Please make appointments with neurologist and Geriatric Psychiatrist (If he refuses, go by yourself so that you're in the know). There's so much to learn on this forum and so much will lead you to the resources you will need to protect yourself and assist your husband.
Now, we no longer eat dinner together! I bought him a TV tray (I didn't know they still made them til I went looking). So, now we are dining in peace..............and that's better than candlelight and music: a new kind of ambiance.
I was really uncomfortable and felt trapped when I was trying to dine and being verbally attacked: I realized we needed the physical separation to keep the calm. Finding solutions is worth the effort if you're going to remain in the same home.
"Protect your peace."
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand, and have no fear
Cause I, I will be here
I will be here when you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind,
I will listen and
I will be here when the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and tryin'
We'll be together 'cause I will be here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,
And the future is unclear
I I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetime's are made for years
So, I I will be here
I will be here and you can cry on my shoulder,
When the mirror tells us we're older,
I will hold you and
I will be here to watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made 💔
To you and to the One who gave you to me
I I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetime's are made for years
So, I I will be here we'll be together
I will be here.
Steven Curtis Chapman
"I will be here"
Yes, our doctor is filled in. Unfortunately, because he keeps me away from processes that he'll need help with, this will be a long process. I'm willing to take things a step at a time, knowing that this will be hard.
Thank you so much for your input,
I really appreciate your input. As things have taken a turn for the worse, I do tend to empathize for him; as difficult as it is for me, I imagine his fear must be very hard to live with.
I don't put it past him to do some permanent damage to me in the midst of his suffering, however. I am picking up the pieces of our business that he was part of until recently. Again, he might just pull some kind of devastating trick, but I need to focus on the next right thing.
I am hopeful that medical professionals will confirm that what is going on is not his fault, and then, I hope he will allow me to help him turn his attention to what can be done, not what can't.
I value your input,
(copy and paste): https://memory.ucsf.edu/symptoms/executive-functions
see if they can refer you to a center near you.
Drastic changes, daily.
I read this:
1 hour ago
That is happening today. This experience feels like a slow motion train wreck and no one is paying attention. He went to the sheriff Tuesday to try to get me removed from the house. Took 2 days for that reality to hit. Now I am devastated."
I hear you. Cannot imagine why he would want you out of the house. I get that he sees you as the enemy, but this is extreme. I would be devastated too.
All I can do right now is to pray, really hard. That does not mean that the two of you might need to temporarily be separated for safety.
Is there a third party in this relationship? Even drugs or alcohol can be a third party.