She had a fall and a concussion when she came, and I was doing most everything for her at that time. I have continued doing the cooking, the dishes, the laundry, helping with her shower and even toileting, which she needs many of those still. I’m finding that I am ready to ask her to do some of her own things. She does usually fold her clothing and towels. Though at first she didn’t do it well. I got a concussion last summer and know how that affected me, so I understand her responses and behaviors at that time. She seems to be stronger and more healthy. She has macular degeneration and I’m not sure how bad that actually is, it seems to be getting worse. She has some dementia, but I’m not sure how much of that was from the concussion, and how much is how much she has deteriorated. I guess I can take her to the doctor to get that tested. She is definitely stronger. We had to get a back molar in each side removed because she wasn’t brushing her teeth well enough, and they had cracked or had to have a root canal. She has had dizziness ever since a root canal almost 20 years ago, so we just had those pulled. She has memory problems, but she seems to remember better what needs to be done for her nighttime routine, but she doesn’t brush her teeth well enough when she does it on her own. I am really doing her hygiene things for her.
She would not shower or brush her teeth if left to do it herself. When I’m not at home, she will go to bed putting her top dentures in a cup of cold water, no brushing or denture tablets. Even though she knows where they are. Sometimes she does use them and other times she doesn’t. I’m not sure if it’s forgetting or just not wanting to make the effort. Most nights I have to make sure, after she’s used the toilet, I wipe her because she has a mess in her depends. Which I make sure she changes night and day. She usually uses the toilet for urinating, so that isn’t a problem.
I’m finding myself feeling guilty for asking her to do things she can do, though it’s probably good for her to do them. 4 to 6 times a week the toilet is a mess from her attempts to clean herself up after a bowel movement. The last two nights, it was right as I was about to make dinner. So I placed Clorox wipes on the toilet in the areas there was stuff that needed to be wiped off, and asked her to please clean the toilet up while I made dinner, as I do make all the meals. She did it willingly as best she could. I feel like I can ask her to do more. She tried to contribute in the ways she wanted to. But it usually causes more problems than it helped. She throws things away she thinks I shouldn’t want. 😂
I love her dearly and she has loved me as her own daughter. We have always had a good friendship and deep love and appreciation for each other. She’s grateful for things we do for her, but also sometimes is like a 5 year old, resentful that she has to do personal hygiene things. I realized she probably hadn’t showered for a year before she moved in. She said she had had a shower, but I think she was occasionally getting her head wet, maybe sometimes using shampoo, but never enough. She had a particular odor about her that was from her somewhat washed/wetted hair and unwashed body. She was an immaculate woman when she was younger, always took care of herself. I just don’t know how much to let her attempt, when she doesn’t take care to do what needs to be done. So I so far just have her do what she CAN do without making a mess or making things more complicated for myself. I have got to get some outside help to take of her, one member of my husband’s family is willing but it sometimes feels like their needs are more important than my needs though she lived here 24-7 the last 8 months. The other two family members could not do what she needs to have done because if their own issues, can you tell me what you have an elderly parent do that lives with you?
... It is important for her to feel 'useful' so very VERY simple tasks, with supervision, could benefit her. However, asking a 89 year old with the physical and cognitive issues you've mentioned to clean a tiolet is not appropriate, and way way too much. It is also potentially dangerous as she might end up wiping HERSELF with a Chorox wipe and that wouldn't be a good idea.
... Asking her to do something to 'help' is really helping her and may be more time consuming, if not frustrating for you, however it is a lovely gesture, showing you care.
... consider what she can or could do then ask her if she wants to 'try it out and see' (no pressure) and then watch her very carefully. If you need to, guide her hands. I've heard folding laundry is a good thing. Perhaps give her some towels to fold. Easy, corners, tactile. Good luck and thanks for asking. This is why we are ALL here. We all help each other. Gena.
He is blind in one eye from macular degeneration and is visually impaired. It is amazing to me that he can still read (cover one eye for a day and try it!). I realized I was taking for granted what he can and cannot see so sometimes we stand together and look through the refrigerator to compare what we are seeing. He spilled coffee on the counter and floor this morning (usually a daily occurrence that, again, is nothing but a thing). I mentioned the coffee on the floor and learned that he knew he had spilled on the counter and thought he had cleaned it all up (he missed some) but interestingly, he could not see the coffee on the floor. I asked him to come stand by me so we could look together and he literally did not see it as I pointed to it. Lesson learned.
Sounds like your MiL's cognitive impairment is slightly more advanced than my Pop. I have to ask if he took a shower. He usually does on his own but sometimes forgets. He also has minor bladder incontinence so I discreetly do a sniff test and do his laundry about every other day.
You are doing the right thing by trying to include her in doable tasks as well as watching over her well-being. Hygiene is often neglected and can easily turned into a battle if not managed discreetly and respectfully. Sounds like that is still an option which, for you and me, is a good thing to be grateful for at this point.
Best wishes.
I would reframe the words "she should not be sitting around wiating for everyone else to wait on her" to words showing compassionate caring to support her to feel needed and useful.
Frankly, when I'm 89 - if w various disabilities and/or limitations - I feel it is MY 'time' to be waited on. It is showing respect to a person aging and losing most of their independence and cognitive and physical abilities.
Your tone sounds like a principal with a ruler although I am not insinuating you'd use it on a 89 year old; it sounds like you are very angry and I wonder what your experience(s) are with aging parents.
It is helpful to put oneself in an other's shoes, as much as possible. And take time-outs for self-care.
Regarding her teeth which had to be extracted, if she had visited an endodontist, 95% of teeth can be saved via root canal, Having the mindset of a bad experience with a root canal two decades ago does not hold much merit. To remedy the poor oral hygiene, you could purchase a Waterpik appliance.
As far as her EXTREMELY poor and gross personal hygiene, if she hadn't bathed for one year, the breakdown of skin no doubt occurred. My own late mother did not possess the strength to wash her body well at all. That "skill," if you will was lost and as a result, she did have an odor. Perhaps your MIL does not wash because of lack of strength.
For myself, I went to help my daughter who had surgery. Every time I started to do something, she would tell me not to bother. She probably felt as you do, sort of guilty asking me to work. It was very hard on me. I didn't mess with the 3 Draft Horses except to feed them, but I did feed and water and put away all the goats, sheep, chickens, and geese. Still, it hurt my feelings every time she didn't want me to do something. She is not a clean freak, so it wasn't that.
My grandmother had macular degeneration, arthritis in hands and knees, and dementia. With macular degeneration, you slowly lose all the central/focus vision but can see a bit around the edges. Gram had a standard routine which helped with many of the types of problems you mention. She had a shower every morning in a chair in the shower before breakfast. Her hair would be combed and "set" after the shower. She liked to linger over breakfast, so my mom or I would complete a crossword puzzle while she ate and ask her about the clues or play the news on the radio. We would give gram jobs for meals: like setting the table, snapping beans... We asked her to complete simple tasks like help fold laundry, help make the bed...
Having a toileting schedule and a bidet attachment to the toilet may help with your MIL's toileting issues.
My Papa has Macular Degeneration and is almost totally blind, he can only see outlines of people and objects.
say you need some help and ask her to help you out.
maybe you can do different things at the same time in the same room ? Or make the beds together or ??? And smile at each other :)
is allows for a spray of water to clean up. I think they are manual so she might not do it on her own, but much better than the mess. They are not super expensive, are easy to install and you could use her own funds.
I am not sure you grasp how impaired he is mentally. Her dementia is not going to allow her to process anything as she once did and no amount of prodding or reminding will help. The woman you knew is really gone. That is the sadness of this illness. My mother in law was terrific and we liked each other. The person she became was nothing like her and I used to tell the memory care staff that it was sad they had not known her.
I would not try to get help from family. Too much of a headache. People always say “let me know if you need anything” but when you need help, somehow it never materializes. I would suggest a bath aide at least 3 times a week since he is in continent. And maybe a cleaning lady to give you some help in the house. Read more about how to use her money to pay for things so you don’t get her into an issue later if she needs to apply for Medicaid.
She may not want nor does she need to take a bath or shower every day.
Maybe she thinks she will fall, you may put a Bench for her to sit on.
1 or 2 times a week would be sufficient.
You can ask her to do anything and everything that you or she thinks she can do.
Best thing is have a chat and ya'll together come up with things she can do.
While with me a few days before her appt, my sister called me to let me know that she was going to have colon cancer surgery and I would need to do 2 things, keep mom and the worse part tell her of my sister's cancer.
I watch mom and saw she was miserable. After dinner one night I asked her if she wanted to help clean up. She was excited. Every few days I would another small chore that she could do. Before long she was doing most everything necessary to live on her own. Since I lived in a very small town, I began to let her drive home from the shopping trips and soon she was driving both ways.
About two weeks after that she was ready to go home. Before she left she told me, if your sister had not had cancer, I probably would never have been able to go home because she treated me like a total invalid. Mom lived almost another 20 years after that and continued to live by herself until her death.
IMHO, you are asking too much. Cleaning a toilet will put her at grave risk for a fall due to postural hypotension changes.
I think that you MIL has now surely entered the phase we call "total care". Sadly. And it is not necessary that you feel you are up to doing this care for the duration. It is time now to have a calm, gentle, loving heart to heart with your husband about the future necessity of placement. So sorry. Hard thing to do.
Maybe the hygiene things need to be outsourced but have her do other things like fold laundry, make her bed, wash vegetables and fruits/stow them, dust with a Swifter, sweep the floors, whatever her failing vision will allow. I agree with Cwillie that you should now consider outside help as long as you are not the one paying for it., or you could consider a care contract to be paid for your caregiving. Please make sure she is not co-mingling her funds or gifting money as this may delay or disqualify her from Medicaid, should she need it. You are a wonderful DIL...she is lucky to have you (and so is your hubs)!