They are requiring more care now that they are older. A lot of trips to the ER, Hospital stays. Broken jaw. Forgetting how to do or fix things. My husband wanted to help but didn't think it would be like this. What do I do?
Hire help with parents funds. If they are with out funds call Area on Aging for an assesment of their needs. Spend more time with your husband. Make it a priority. Recognize that as time goes by their needs will increase. Utilize the resources available to them.
Spread2thin, if you can, set boundaries. I know it won't be easy as parents can frame everything with guilt. We need to learn not to enable our parents to a point where we, the caregiver, crashes and burn from all the work.
I remember when I broke my right arm, couldn't drive for 6 months, and all my parents could think about was "who is going to drive us?". Seriously??? So they cancelled all their doctor appointments, etc.
As 97oldmom had recommended, have your parents hire help. I found a electrician who would help with changing high level light bulbs because I stopped doing ladders years ago. My parents didn't like strangers in the house, but they did like this painter they have had for decades, they trusted him. So I called the painter to ask him who is a good electrician for my parents. That worked :)
Priorities in order: 1. Minor children; 2. spouse; 3. elderly parents. Of course emergency problems change this priority, but if "emergencies" are happening daily, the are not emergencies.
Tell your parents that you can't do as much because you need to save your marriage. Hiring help is a good idea, but if you're going to have to manage that process, that indicates that they are ready for the next step: either independent living apartment or assisted living.
Please try to find a bit of outside help. I didn't have enough of this and when I had a spontaneous retinal detachment I could not leave my bedridden Mom or drive myself to the ER, and my husband was at work. I found myself bringing Mom her dinner tray and cleaning her and getting her ready for bed wondering why I was nearly completely blind in one eye. I didn't call an eye doctor until the next day. Even one person to help makes a big difference.
In 1985 my parents moved my mom's 81-year old mom into their home, thinking they were doing the right thing. It overwhelmed their marriage and my dad became very resentful and my parents began arguing a lot. Grandma passed in 2000 but my parents to this day still argue over who-did-what, or didn't, 30 years ago. Honestly I can say it was a turning point that their marriage never recovered from. Spouse comes first.
At some point our parents' need for care becomes greater than their need to be happy with our decisions about their care for we must also care for ourselves and our own immediate family, i.e. marriage.
Sounds like they need hired help at home or need assisted living. Surely they don't want you to lose your marriage in caring for them.
Figure out the cost of placing both parents in an assisted living facility. Then share the number with your husband. See if the reality changes his tune. Or compile a daily record of how you spend your time. Then ask your husband to figure out how he would reallocate your time. Sometimes men are worse than small children-IMO.
There are retirement centers that help in this challenge. My wife has been in the Assistance in Living portion now for over four years. The staff has advised me that this is the best for her and ME. She must even be in a private room because she will not tolerate a roommate. She has Vascular Dementia and it is a guilt trip, expensive, and yet in our best interests for her to stay there. In fact, she doesn't want to live with me since she knows she can't and it would most likely be that my health would go down and she doesn't want that to happen since our kids are not close in distance for them to take care of her. Few answers - but take care of yourself and your husband's needs first because if you don't then who will care for your loved one?
When I was away for seven months, caring for my parents, my husband and I talked nearly every day. When I finally arrived home, he had left me. We're divorced now. We had been married 15 years. It's a true testament of a marriage when both of you commit to caring for your elderly parents. I'm still caring for my parents, and I'm engaged to a wonderful man who helps with caring for them now. I know I'm happier not having to be torn between my parents and a husband that demands all of my time. My fiance' and I make a great team when it comes to caring for my parents. Care for your parents and be sure to set time aside to spend with your husband on a regular basis.
Spread2thin, take it from me, I went though he’ll and back , but everyone on this site has nailed it. Husband first, kids second, family 3 rd! Almost the whole aging thing is never planned out. We plan for retirement, we plan for vacations, we plan for wedding, but not for when we age out. We put the burden , yes I said burden on our children. It’s not far, and wrong! Feel no guilt, that your parents didn’t plan properly . Take control of the. Helm ! Start making arrangements , that satisfy your needs and their’s , you don’t ask anymore, say this is what we’re doing. And if family doesn’t want to help then do it your way! Problem solved! And when family bickers, say you take control and me and my family will step back! Yuki
Hiring help is definitely an option but make definitely sure they're reliable.
Luckily, my husband is fine with having my mom live with us. His attitude is "take care of Mom, first." I'm afraid I'm in the camp of blood is thicker than water--spouses (tg mine is so understanding) come and go, so Mom is definitely the priority (after all, think of the sacrifices your parents made to give you a good, if not better, life--of course, this might not be the case). Also, even though initially, my sister's first inclination was to put Mom in a home, she now knows how beneficial it is for Mom to stay put and helps out when she can.
While some retirement places are good, many just want your money even though they will sound like they want to help. A friend had her mom in what was supposed to be a good place--they paid around $5-6k/month--but it wasn't until her mom was moved to another place to be closer to another sibling that they found out that the first place didn't ever give their mom her oxygen treatment when the new place discovered the full oxygen tank was defective (not dispensing any oxygen). That might explain why their mom had to go to the ER several times in the first place.
Perhaps with time, your husband will come around. I would think that even if he's only minimally involved he will eventually become emotionally invested in your parents and will naturally become more accepting of the situation.
First, husband has not been in your position or needs to mature a little. No one needs to choose between parents and spouse. For better or worse remember? No one realizes the strain until it happens. My "ex" husband was so immature over the situation once the dust cleared and my mother moved in with "us" I was so offended at his attitude. Did I choose my mentally challenged mother over my husband? NO. I am an only child. Mom lived with her Dad, however, he died so she had to live with me. She had no siblings, no other relatives I was 23 and Mom was 44 at the time. I was so damn tired of him moaning over his "privacy" as I made her room in his "den". When his grandmother was sick (long after our divorce) he saw she was calling "me" not "him". We became better friends than spouses. He saw I was compassionate period. But it took my breaking point to continue doing what I could not change. I knew as a teen that it would happen with my mother and even shared this with him before our marriage. Even today, his 98-year-old sister calls me regularly. The situation can be dealt with. Husband needs to remember "for better or for worse" I truly feel this includes dealing with aging parents/grandparents. Best of Luck.
Get help. Make changes. You cannot and should not do it all at the expense of your marriage. People our age die too. I didn't want my sister or I to be tending to our parents so much and neglect our husbands. I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't want to find my husband dead or ill and wish I had been taking care of him. There has to be balance.
If only we had a crystal ball to tell us what our future holds. :)
Mom lives with us (husband, 10 yr old, 12 yr old, and myself). Her Alzheimer's has made us home bound and now Sundowners is kicking in. And husband does not understand. He gets angry which doesn't help. He wants his family and a "normal" life.
So I understand where you're coming from. And I'm receiving the same advice you are.... protect your marriage.
Unfortunately we have no family near by, but I have an awesome neighbor and friends that will help when last minute stuff pop up. I mostly use a home service at least twice a week. One of those days is JUST FOR ME (because we still have to take care of ourselves....ugh, really????) Sometimes I invite hubby for lunch on my day because I do miss our alone time.
I will say hospital stays I take that on myself 100%.
We have had plenty of fights lately... just like Upstream's parents.... but we are trying to keep our marriage together.
When you can.... talk... listen and acknowledge his feelings... reassure him that Yes he is important to you and you want a life with him when this season of your life is over. Share with him how difficult things are for you. Tell him it's ok for things he isn't capable of doing but what you really need is his support. This is your mom, she's sick, and she needs you right now. This isn't forever.... it just feels like it.
What helped me was remembering that my mom put her husband/marriage 1st over her mother’s needs. She set the boundaries & helped where she could. That said, I didn’t always remember. I was the one who tried to do everything for her.
When it was apparent she could no longer live on her own, at my very understanding and very compassionate husband’s insistence we moved Mom in with us. BIG mistake. The Waltons we were not. It was overwhelming and we had help! After 2 months, we moved Mom to an ALF and we all settled into the new normal.
That was 3 years ago — 3 years of Mom declining and needing more & more assistance. She passed away 3 months ago and we have no regrets. We realized and accepted our limitations, working with what we could & couldn’t do.
This helped us with figuring out how to help my aging & sickly in-laws. It is especially helpful now, as FIL passed away 6 weeks ago and he did everything for my MIL.
Try as we might, we can’t do it all or be everything to everyone. I want to grow old with my husband like our parents did with each other.
As soon as my parents started using the ER as a doctor's office, a social worker contacted me (I lived out of state) and warned me that something has to shift for them...or the state would do something. It was a wake-up call for how much they had been hiding their conditions...I came home, looked all over near their home, and chose an AL apartment...and although it was the hardest thing I've done, it was so worth it. They stabilized (for over 2.5 years before my mom passed)...and they were safe! If you can afford it, it sounds like it may be time... Resentment is no fun...yet as far as I'm concerned, it's part of life. If not you, who will truly help them? I think he's making it about him instead of THEM. Once they move and are safe, and you have a larger support system, I'm sure your relationship with improve...and there will be less trauma/drama.
I might also add to my previous post about my parents moving grandma into their house in 1985: They assumed because she was 81 at the time that she didn't have too many years left. Grandma lived to be 96. So, you never really know how open-ended this commitment is.
If you are able to pay a carer to do the Personal Care and to reassure that the rest of the professionals are in the same page... you only need to provide and enjoy the 'social' side of care ... make sure your husband is included. Explain your husband this is important and that you CANNOT prioritise one over the other.
Spread2thin, you are in a very difficult position but not alone. My Dad was in and out of the Hospital, ER, etc. before he passed away and my mom lives with me and my husband. She has final stage COPD and is homebound. It is in no way easy and definitely puts a strain on my marriage, but I am my mom's main caregiver as she was for me when I was little. For me, it's not about choosing between my mom or my spouse. I'm choosing both. As other's suggested, I would get as much help as you can for your parents and try and do special things with your husband. The main person you need to look out for is yourself. You can't help anyone if you are burdened down with stress. It will be ok.
After years of Mom living with us due to her weakness, falling and memory emergencies, my marriage was at risk. I have a great husband, but I realized there was a limit to what I could ask of him. I had to make the difficult decision of placing her in a nursing/memory community. One of the hardest decisions of my life. She has now been there almost 10 months.
Still, her needs of connecting with me continue and she calls 15 to 20 times each day. I have learned by now to resist answering every call....although there is a continual tinge of having to pick up the phone.
Because my Mom always taught me that Spouse comes first - both verbally and by example - I now remind her that I need to have sometime with hubby each day. In her alert states, she understands this....then she forgets immediately.
What an illness this dementia is! Hard for the patient, but very difficult for the loved ones.
Save your marriage. That is your most important mission here, although it is a challenging one at that!
Upstream has it right. Spouses come first. A popular family therapist once said: "Men's needs are simple but not to be ignored." Spot on . Ignore them and they will go away. Your husband and marriage come first.
On my wedding day, my mom gave me a piece of advice. To be the best wife for my husband because I want him to be the best husband for me. No parents in their RIGHT mind should expect their adult children to sacrifice their marriages to take care of the parents. If they do, then they are acting like children.
Your husband and your health comes first! There are resources and age-in-place communities to assist with your parents. Been there, done that with my father (dementia/Alzheimers) & Mom (health issues). Assist with your parents, as you can, but don't ever let it ruin your marriage or health. Balance is very important! Good luck!
The Bible tells us to forsake all other when we take a spouse. But we can't ignore aging deteriorating parents who raised us and gave us a good life and upbringing. So what do you do? Make sure your husband knows he is your priority by hiring help for your parent. I see a place nearby our home in FL that advertises "adult care", instead of child care :-) Maybe you could look into such facilities or services at least for part-time relief so your husband and you can get away. Getting old, deteriorating, and death are the cycle we all go through. We have to take charge of all of this while we are healthy and sane :-) Good luck and God bless.
Spread2thin - your name says it all. You are spread too thin. Step back and think about your husband's perspective - is he right? I tend to get all wrapped up in work or the latest crisis with my dad in the nursing home. When my husband starts to complain - it is because he sees me start neglecting myself, him, and our son (9). I get resentful - i'm in the middle trying to hold it together. But then i step back and find other solutions. My husband is not saying to put my dad on an ice floe and shove - but he is telling me when i'm getting sucked in and in and in.
Your parent will need more and more care, not less. You will never be enough. It is time for a village - in home help or assisted living. You will still be the daughter and helping still and your stress won't go away entirely, but you will have a better balance. It is hard setting boundaries with parents - but you need to. God bless you and i hope you find a way.
I think our parents become somewhat selfish in old age and expect us to care for them and to some extent we should but not at the expense of our marriage. A man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home, they shall be as one means just that. I am fortunate to have a very supportive husband in caring for my mother but it is getting to me because I want more time with my husband. My mother keeps saying she doesn't want to burden her kids by moving in but won't go to SNF and can't afford ALF and she doesn't realize she is burdening her kids by us running to her home, keeping up her home and me keeping her in FL for 4 month a year. Don't let ur parents ruin ur marriage, ur parents will be gone soon but hopefully u have several years to nurture ur marriage. I think sometimes we just have to give our parents the best support we can and beyond that it's up to them.
I feel for you on the point of your husband's having started out as an enthusiastic supporter but now beginning to feel aggrieved, resentful, short-changed...
The thing is, when we're all dewy-eyed and dutiful to begin with, we a) don't realise how much time and legwork is going to be involved; b) don't realise how long this is going to go on, and how much more demanding it will get; and c) don't account for the impact all the little things adding up will have on our wider lives.
Delegate, delegate, delegate. Putting your husband first does not mean not caring about your parents, it just means being realistic about there being only one of you and only 24 hours in the day. And you can also, at the same time, expect a *certain* degree of generosity and understanding from your husband at times of crisis, especially. You'll do the same when he needs it, after all, won't you?
You are a blessing to them regardless of how they feel. I am 69 and have no children of my own. My wife has dementia, diabetes and heart disease. She has two grown sons and neither help. In fact her youngest robbed us twice . He is in prison and is constantly begging money. The oldest son is well to do and dose nothing for his mother. He may call for a couple minutes. He did tell me that the younger son was stealing from us. Again Bless you and take care of yourself first, if you go down they have nothing and you deserve a good life.
Well we hat do you do if the parent doesn't have a Lot of money but also doesn't qualify for Medicaid either? Being raised by a European family it is the children's responsibility to take care of their elderly parents otherwise you would be ostracized by your community!! My husband really doesn't understand that but he is trying to be patient through these years while I am taking care of my mother who has late st as he dementia.....
It is obvious that an spouse should never be neglected on purpose. But when it comes to caregiving, any loving husband or wife will either help or at least support the one providing care. And if feeling neglected should have loving conversations and try to -together!- find ways to help correct the situation. Life is filled with difficult situations, a married couple is a team.
Sorry but I disagree with all those opinions that simply put the spouse first, because the complaining spouse should put the caregiving spouse first too! That is a marriage, at least that’s how I see it.
I remember when I broke my right arm, couldn't drive for 6 months, and all my parents could think about was "who is going to drive us?". Seriously??? So they cancelled all their doctor appointments, etc.
As 97oldmom had recommended, have your parents hire help. I found a electrician who would help with changing high level light bulbs because I stopped doing ladders years ago. My parents didn't like strangers in the house, but they did like this painter they have had for decades, they trusted him. So I called the painter to ask him who is a good electrician for my parents. That worked :)
Tell your parents that you can't do as much because you need to save your marriage. Hiring help is a good idea, but if you're going to have to manage that process, that indicates that they are ready for the next step: either independent living apartment or assisted living.
Sounds like they need hired help at home or need assisted living. Surely they don't want you to lose your marriage in caring for them.
It's a true testament of a marriage when both of you commit to caring for your elderly parents. I'm still caring for my parents, and I'm engaged to a wonderful man who helps with caring for them now.
I know I'm happier not having to be torn between my parents and a husband that demands all of my time. My fiance' and I make a great team when it comes to caring for my parents.
Care for your parents and be sure to set time aside to spend with your husband on a regular basis.
Luckily, my husband is fine with having my mom live with us. His attitude is "take care of Mom, first." I'm afraid I'm in the camp of blood is thicker than water--spouses (tg mine is so understanding) come and go, so Mom is definitely the priority (after all, think of the sacrifices your parents made to give you a good, if not better, life--of course, this might not be the case). Also, even though initially, my sister's first inclination was to put Mom in a home, she now knows how beneficial it is for Mom to stay put and helps out when she can.
While some retirement places are good, many just want your money even though they will sound like they want to help. A friend had her mom in what was supposed to be a good place--they paid around $5-6k/month--but it wasn't until her mom was moved to another place to be closer to another sibling that they found out that the first place didn't ever give their mom her oxygen treatment when the new place discovered the full oxygen tank was defective (not dispensing any oxygen). That might explain why their mom had to go to the ER several times in the first place.
Perhaps with time, your husband will come around. I would think that even if he's only minimally involved he will eventually become emotionally invested in your parents and will naturally become more accepting of the situation.
Mom lives with us (husband, 10 yr old, 12 yr old, and myself). Her Alzheimer's has made us home bound and now Sundowners is kicking in. And husband does not understand. He gets angry which doesn't help. He wants his family and a "normal" life.
So I understand where you're coming from. And I'm receiving the same advice you are.... protect your marriage.
Unfortunately we have no family near by, but I have an awesome neighbor and friends that will help when last minute stuff pop up. I mostly use a home service at least twice a week. One of those days is JUST FOR ME (because we still have to take care of ourselves....ugh, really????) Sometimes I invite hubby for lunch on my day because I do miss our alone time.
I will say hospital stays I take that on myself 100%.
We have had plenty of fights lately... just like Upstream's parents.... but we are trying to keep our marriage together.
When you can.... talk... listen and acknowledge his feelings... reassure him that Yes he is important to you and you want a life with him when this season of your life is over. Share with him how difficult things are for you. Tell him it's ok for things he isn't capable of doing but what you really need is his support. This is your mom, she's sick, and she needs you right now. This isn't forever.... it just feels like it.
When it was apparent she could no longer live on her own, at my very understanding and very compassionate husband’s insistence we moved Mom in with us. BIG mistake. The Waltons we were not. It was overwhelming and we had help! After 2 months, we moved Mom to an ALF and we all settled into the new normal.
That was 3 years ago — 3 years of Mom declining and needing more & more assistance. She passed away 3 months ago and we have no regrets. We realized and accepted our limitations, working with what we could & couldn’t do.
This helped us with figuring out how to help my aging & sickly in-laws. It is especially helpful now, as FIL passed away 6 weeks ago and he did everything for my MIL.
Try as we might, we can’t do it all or be everything to everyone. I want to grow old with my husband like our parents did with each other.
It was a wake-up call for how much they had been hiding their conditions...I came home, looked all over near their home, and chose an AL apartment...and although it was the hardest thing I've done, it was so worth it. They stabilized (for over 2.5 years before my mom passed)...and they were safe!
If you can afford it, it sounds like it may be time...
Resentment is no fun...yet as far as I'm concerned, it's part of life. If not you, who will truly help them?
I think he's making it about him instead of THEM.
Once they move and are safe, and you have a larger support system, I'm sure your relationship with improve...and there will be less trauma/drama.
Still, her needs of connecting with me continue and she calls 15 to 20 times each day. I have learned by now to resist answering every call....although there is a continual tinge of having to pick up the phone.
Because my Mom always taught me that Spouse comes first - both verbally and by example - I now remind her that I need to have sometime with hubby each day. In her alert states, she understands this....then she forgets immediately.
What an illness this dementia is! Hard for the patient, but very difficult for the loved ones.
Save your marriage.
That is your most important mission here, although it is a challenging one at that!
All the best!
On my wedding day, my mom gave me a piece of advice. To be the best wife for my husband because I want him to be the best husband for me. No parents in their RIGHT mind should expect their adult children to sacrifice their marriages to take care of the parents. If they do, then they are acting like children.
Your parent will need more and more care, not less. You will never be enough. It is time for a village - in home help or assisted living. You will still be the daughter and helping still and your stress won't go away entirely, but you will have a better balance. It is hard setting boundaries with parents - but you need to. God bless you and i hope you find a way.
The thing is, when we're all dewy-eyed and dutiful to begin with, we a) don't realise how much time and legwork is going to be involved; b) don't realise how long this is going to go on, and how much more demanding it will get; and c) don't account for the impact all the little things adding up will have on our wider lives.
Delegate, delegate, delegate. Putting your husband first does not mean not caring about your parents, it just means being realistic about there being only one of you and only 24 hours in the day. And you can also, at the same time, expect a *certain* degree of generosity and understanding from your husband at times of crisis, especially. You'll do the same when he needs it, after all, won't you?
She has two grown sons and neither help. In fact her youngest robbed us twice . He is in prison and is constantly begging money. The oldest son is well to do and dose nothing for his mother. He may call for a couple minutes. He did tell me that the younger son was stealing from us. Again Bless you and take care of yourself first, if you go down they have nothing and you deserve a good life.
Lot of money but also doesn't qualify for Medicaid either? Being raised by a European family it is the children's responsibility to take care of their elderly parents otherwise you would be ostracized by your community!! My husband really doesn't understand that but he is trying to be patient through these years while I am taking care of my mother who has late st as he dementia.....
Sorry but I disagree with all those opinions that simply put the spouse first, because the complaining spouse should put the caregiving spouse first too! That is a marriage, at least that’s how I see it.