My husband refuses to get his diabetes under control and quit (or even cut back) smoking. How can I not take this personal and be so angry?

Lor, welcome!

Your profile says that you are caring for your father in law and grandmother as well? How are you managing all this?

With regards to your husband, do you think he's experienced some cognitive decline due to his stroke?

Does he acknowledge that his habits may lead to a further decline in his health, and that this is making you scared for the future?

My husband is kind of a "magical thinker" when it comes to his health. He doesn't accept that his very sedentary life style will inevitably lead to a decline in his overall health.

Have you considered seeing a therapist, like a licensed social worker, to help you manage your anger and disappointment in your husband?

To begin you have way too much caregiving put on you. It is time to get some homecare brough in to help out with grandmother and FIL. That's too much on it's own in the best circimstances. The fact that you still work full time and have a sick husband means you will get burned out quick, my friend.

So do something about it. Bring in help.

As for your husband. He's a grown man and he's going to do whatever he wants.

I quit smoking a few years ago when I got Covid. I had been a smoker since I was a kid. I had two husbands nagging me about quitting. I broke my boy's heart every time he saw me smoke because he knew it was dangerous. My nasty bully of a mother never shut up about it. My entire life.

None of it got me to quit though and none of it will get your man to either. I was so sick for so long with Covid that I didn't even really have any withdrawl symptoms. So when I recovered I figured I'd try to keep it going and I have for almost three years now. It's a struggle though.

How you can deal with it is get separated or divorced. That's an option if living with him is too stressful. I understand where you're coming from because my first husband was an alcoholic. He was a wonderful man and I loved him very much, but I left. I couldn't live with him drinking himsef to death which is what he did.

Ignoring the problem won't help either. Tell your husband straight that his smoking and uncontrolled diabetes will result in something catastrophic happening then his life will not be in his control anymore. If he doesn't die from the next stroke, he will be living out his days in a nursing home. His life will be beyond your control too.
You have to make him understand this. If he refuses to then your best bet would be to leave.

Nicotine addiction is as hard to quit as cocaine or heroin (https://www.ucsfhealth.org/conditions/nicotine-dependence) so you're never going to nag him to stop. A tack I've taken with my son is to point him towards therapies (someone on Nextdoor.com gave a testimony to using a type of hypnosis so I found the place and price and texted it to him saying it looking like a financially reasonable, faster and "easier" option). I bought him Nicorette gum, I ask him other ways I can help, if at all.

Diabetes is different. Does he know enough about where it will all lead if he ignores it (dialysis) and other health problems? Has he considered a support group?

I agree with BarbBrooklyn that couples therapy would be the first strategy as a shot over his bow if he doesn't start making some changes.

I also agree with BurntCaregiver that you need help with the other care receivers in your life. IMO to help your marriage you may need to consider finding alternate care for them, not from you. Burnout will not help your relationship.

In the end, your hubs is an adult who's had his whole life to plan for his senior years. You will need to decide what you're willing to tolerate and what's the dealbreaker. If he knows what this is for you, and still does nothing to improve, then he's making the decision to throw it all away and maybe be alone. Don't make threats you aren't willing to act upon. I wish you much wisdom and clarity as you work to save your marriage.

Are the ages correct, you have a 67 yr old FIL and a 95 yr old grandmother you are caring for? Is the grandmother related to u or husband? How old is ur husband? I am stressed just reading this. And you work FT too? God love you but this is too much for one person. Is ur husband holding down a job?

I had a woman I worked with that her husband had a bad heart. She was on him all the time about his diet and smoking. Finally she told him she was not going to say anything anymore. If he did not care, why should she. She would miss him when he was gone.

This is what is going to happen with your husband. I had two friends who were diabetic, one juvenile and one type two. My GF had a heart attack in her early 50s. By 60 she had half her leg removed because of circulation problems causing gangrene. By 63 her kidneys gave out and she passed. She took care of herself. My other friend was a man who really didn't care for himself. He was very overweight. He ended up having half a leg removed and had to go on dialysis. He chose to quit dialysis and died at 70. Neither smoked.

Smoking puts strain on the heart because the veins constrict. This is what my Dad was told after receiving a heart valve and 3 bypasses. At 65 after 53 yrs of smoking he went cold turkey. He lived until he was 79. I would tell husband what he has to look forward to. I would then say, I will not be caring for you when u become wheelchair bound (both friends were in wheelchairs) and cannot do for yourself. You will need to go into a NH. You really are not being fair to me. Never bring it up again.

let him know you can no longer take care of him because of a 2nd stroke and hell be put in a nursing home.....is he on blood thinner

Have you asked him WHY he is neglecting his health issues? Not as in an accusation, but genuinely curious? You say that he "worked hard" to get his walking back, which leads me to think he does - or at least at one time did - care something about his health.

Is he frustrated? Scared? Angry? A combination of these? Does he get support or advice from his medical team - beyond "stop smoking!" "watch your sugar numbers!" and "here's some medication"? What sort of medical team does he have? Does he see an endocrinologist about his diabetes? A nutritionist? Does he even have a clear understanding about what foods might cause his sugar to rise, and what he can eat safely to keep his numbers in check? Had he been working hard at making changes and then STILL suffered a mini stroke, leading to a "why bother?" mentality?

Either quitting smoking or changing lifelong eating habits are two very difficult things to undertake successfully, and your DH needs to do both at the same time. That's tough. Even with tons of support, he will need ironclad willpower. Do you think, realistically, he has that in him?

I'm not trying to be negative or nasty. You asked how YOU can deal with this. I'm sorry to say that if your DH has made up his mind to ignore his health issues, then the only thing you can do is set your limits and stick by them. It would not be unreasonable for you to tell him that if/when he becomes "too much" (and you have to decide what that line in the sand is) you will cease to be his hands-on caregiver. And whether that means placement in a facility or home-based care by outside caregivers is a decision you will have to make, based on your own resources and tolerances.

But I suggest, before you go the ultimatum route - which doesn't usually help relationships - you have a calm, rational talk with him. If he has just decided "f*** it, I'm tired of trying so hard and just want to enjoy whatever time I have left", you should point out that those questionable medical decisions won't only affect him, but you as well. That's a fair and reasonable statement. But if he is struggling with all of the changes, that's something you can help him tackle, one step at a time. One small change after another, and then hopefully his health isn't so far gone that he can't make many small improvements that will hopefully lead to better health overall.

You are not being selfish. Not knowing his reasoning behind his lack of self-care, I can't even lay selfishness at his door at this point. But an understanding of WHY he's behaving the way he is might help you to at least not take his behavior personally.

Good luck to both of you.

My husband has serious back issues that he hasn’t cared for for decades. He is very heavy and that makes a huge difference in how his back is, it’s never good. I have done everything I can to get him to diet and exercise to no avail. My daughter works in the medical field and has said, he’s a grown a$$ed man, you can’t make him do anything. So, I have stopped talking. I don’t help with things other than what I would do for others. I have also decided tho that when he is unable to do anything, I am going to continue with my life. I will travel without him and go and do what I want, because, I am a grown a$$ed woman and have made better choices for my health and wellbeing. It’s a mind set. It takes a lot of work, but you can’t make him do anything. Don’t buy his cigarettes or junk food. That’s all you can do. Try to make yourself happy, or at least less stressed.

You have a lot going on here and I can understand why it feels like a personal attack but I’m not clear on some of the relationships and I think it does make a difference.
Is it you FIL or father that you live with and help care for? Are both your father/FIL and husband diabetics? How long has your husband known he was diabetic? How far away is your grandmother (yours not your husbands rite?) and what are her needs? Do you have any family help?

I think that one of the most difficult things to grasp emotionally is our inability to change others. Whole organizations out there exist solely to teach us that our choices narrow down to two--stay or go.
I am speaking here of another addiction entirely--alcoholism. But destructive habitual behaviors are all more similar than we know.

I am certain that you told your husband that you feel uncared for. But the sad truth is that this is about HIM, not about you. And about his inability to stop self-destructing. He doesn't want help. He cannot change until he does.

I can't think of another way to approach this but for you to help for yourself from a psychologist or a LSW in private practice. It is going to be crucial ongoing that you don't waste energy trying to change the things that cannot be changed (as the serenity prayer says). Addiction is a tragedy that visits its pain not only on the victim but on entire families, and my heart goes out to you.

You’re not selfish. You can’t live other people’s lives for them and THAT is a hard lesson for a wife that loves her husband. I too had to detach from begging my DH to be mindful of self destructive sedentary habits that will lead to debilitating health problems. We had many tearful conversations that when (not if) the inevitable day comes, I will be unable to care for him at home and AL will be his doing. It’s certainly not how I dreamed this chapter of our marriage would be. Try your best to find things that make you happy, DO THEM, and take care of yourself. You matter. Hugs to you. I get it.

Hello, No you are not being selfish. It’s natural for you to be concerned the way that you are. It is selfish of your husband to be unconcerned with what the situation is doing to you mentally, emotionally and physically. I’m sure he loves you and wants the best for you both, but the situation has overtaken him to such an extent that he would rather sulk than fight for what life he has left. So what does that mean for you? You’ve learned to cope a little by developing the skill of ignoring him which seems to be causing stress. Ask him the below questions.

1. Why do you want to speed up the decline of your health?
2. I’m trying to do everything I can to assist you but, I need your help. Can you help me?

My husband's family has a history of hereditary high blood pressure among its men, and always at around age 60. If I saw a male obit in the paper with a certain name or age, I knew... uh-oh, it's one of his family. So, in 2011 my husband lost his job due to the company shutting down and he had to go job-hunting, which he hadn't had to do for most of his work life. He was 59. A routine blood pressure check by an oral surgeon yielded a number so high that the doctor told him they wouldn't treat him until he could bring that number down. He reported this to me and said he would take care of it on his own. What he should have done is to get medication right away. He didn't. He had a massive stroke about a month before turning 60, spent time in the ICU and rehab, then seven months in a skilled nursing facility, which did an excellent job bringing back what could be brought back. He's still with us with cognitive facilities intact, but wheelchair-dependent, with only limited mobility, and I am the community spouse home caregiver. The thought has crossed my mind in the 12 years since that I could have 'threatened' to leave him if he didn't get on the stick about getting medication on a timely basis but adding one threat on top of the dual threats of job loss and family history, didn't seem like a good strategy. I know there are those out there who would say I should have read him the Riot Act but if anyone did that to me in a similar situation I'd have withdrawn from life completely and said, 'I give up'. I've never given up on him. The only reason I reply to this essential caregiver topic is to say that the care receiver's situation may have complex, altho flawed, reasoning and bringing out the sledgehammer, while it works for some, likely has the opposite effect for some. Sending caring thoughts to all the rest of us out here.

This is what you have to do, ask him these questions and take down the answers so that you have them when it happens again.

1. When you have a stroke again where do you want to be put when there is NO COMING HOME?

2. What do you want me to do with your stuff when you are placed somewhere?

3. Ask him what he wants for his funeral maybe even set it up so that when it happens you can be prepared.

Then put it to him this way I will help you with your diabetes and to stop smoking if you need someone to help and understand you. I will take this journey with you so that we both can be healthy.

I have done this personally with my husband who is a diabetic we have changed our eating habits and the amount of sweets that are in our house. I also tell him if he doesn't watch what he is eating the next medication will be insulin and he doesn't want that. I don't nag him I just calmly remind him that its still up to him.

You have to look after yourself don't let it stress you out because that is a killer too. Anything he does like money, banking and you don't get involved because there will be a time where you may have to take over.

I would also get my will, POA's anything financial and medical all in order since the next stroke could have him in a nursing home or dead.

Prayers that he will listen to you and even listen to us if you read some of the answers to him.

Your father lives with you and your husband ...but you are living with your FIL!
This is a pretty busy household. And you mention you are caring for your grandmother. That is a lot, I hope your husband is very involved with the care of his father. (You do not mention what care he or your dad need though)
You need to accept the fact that YOU can not control what your husband does. But what you should do is sit down and talk to him about the "what if's"
What are the plans for HIM if he does have a stroke and needs care. You can not be expected to care for your dad, your FIL AND him. So you tell him that he will have to be placed in either Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing. AND his dad will have to either go to Skilled Nursing or Assisted Living as well because you can not be expected to care for FIL.
Next you will have to figure out where you will live. Not sure of the dynamics but would you be able to remain in FIL's house if he is placed in AL or SNF?
To sort this all out a trip to an Elder Care Attorney might be your best bet.
Next get him to complete a POLST or "advanced directives" whatever that may be called in your State. (POLST is more detailed than a DNR)
I think talking this all out might be more of an impact than trying to get him to take care of himself.
You are right he will not change unless he wants to make changes,. Maybe a discussion like this might get him thinking.

My brother had a heart attack and my mom found him on the floor. He was not taking care of his diabetes and he too was a smoker. You can't live their life you can only decide how much you can live with. You must take care of yourself. I lost my brother in 2016, my mom in 2018 and my Dad in 2020. My brother was 5 years younger than me. My mom was 81 and my Dad was 89. Others have said good things. Please take care of yourself.

It's his life to do with as he chooses.

However, yours is YOUR life to do with as you choose, so what are you going to do with yours?

If I've learned one major lesson from the addiction issues in our family, it's that addiction has nothing to do with love, it really is about self hate and self-indulgence. Everything is about them, but they don't know or care that their choices kill all their opportunities, including loving and being loved.

Pack a couple of suit cases and leave them by your door, so that you always feel free to leave misery behind.

When habits have become full-blown addiction, it's never about other people. It's only about satisfying the addiction.

The addiction will trump everyone.

The following may be hard to accept, but I've seen it happen more than once in my family:

Your anger will kill you. So stop stressing today over your husband's refusal to take care of himself and start taking care of yourself before he outlives you, stops his addiction and dances off into his future without you.

Peace.

Unfortunately you cannot make him stop. I know how awful it is. My husband had poor eating habits I tried to help him correct. I controlled groceries and cooking.

He would eat junk behind my back. He had a congenital heart condition. I took him to many, many cardiology appointments because he wouldn't go on his own. The doctors would warn him too.

He died of a heart attack. Am sure it was brought on by his terrible eating habits.

I did the best I could. I accept that.

LorBlyn: To cease his nicotine addiction, he is going to require professional help, e.g. via his physician or with a program for cessation. You are not being selfish at all. I just helped a wonderful friend (who, btw, does have an AC account) get though the grief of his mother's death from second-hand smoke lung cancer as her husband, a lifelong smoker, refused to quit. YOUR health is being affected by your husband's stubborn habit. Add in the fact that he has uncontrolled diabetes, he is shortening his life. Please visit this website for help - https://rurecovery.com.

Dear, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. If he’s unconcerned about his health, why should you jeopardize your own health worrying about him? He’s a grown man and knows the dangers. If he chooses to ignore, he will have to accept consequences.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Seems like all focus is on HIM. I've read all the responses so far and I keep hearing in my head, "What about LorBlyn"?

You matter too, and your husband doesn't seem to bother with that fact. He's choosing his path, despite or because of depression or other factors, which is overcomplicating your path.

Ask him and demand an answer from him about what is HIS responsibility to:
- YOU
- YOUR HEALTH, and does your health matter to him?
- His household
- His father

Then ask: Dear husband, what are YOU going to do to fulfill your responsibilities?

The focus on that high pedestal seems to be on what's best for him, but you deserve to be on that high pedestal right along with him. You matter, LorBlyn. You matter very much.

Ah, join the club. I've posted on these forums previously about my diabetic husband that sits around all day and wants to eat junk food all the time. Many of these suggestions are well-meaning, but I'm just tired of fighting the fight. My main concern now is that he will end up in assisted living or a nursing home, and we don't have the money to pay for that. I haven't worked in decades and have no skills. If I don't buy his junk food, he wants to eat out all the time, which is expensive. I have tried and tried to get him to eat even a little better and move around even a little, and he says he knows he should but never does. Top it all that he is crabby and expects me to do absolutely everything. He is totally inert, and please don't ask about depression. I think he's happy living the way he does. Unfortunately, we can afford 1 household but not 2, so I'm stuck. I just wish God would take one of us soon.

Unfortunately, you cannot do more for a person than they are willing to do for themselves.
Try hanging in there ❤️