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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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When my Mom's hearing was causing me to have repeat myself or talk loudly to her at home and in public, and she was insinutating I never told her things (because she didn't hear them), I told her I wasn't going to help her because in no way was I going to be forced to yell everything at her, it is exhausting and I certainly am not going to take her out in public to shout at her.
Long story short, begrudgingly, she got hearing aids. I put them in for her every morning (I live next door to her). I walk right past her if she's talking to me without them in, retrieve them from the charger and put them in for her -- then we talk.
You're going to have to have clear boundaries with someone like him: no PT for shoulder? Don't help him with tasks he can no longer do due to the pain. Can't read something? Don't read it for him, tell him to get the surgery. Don't want to shout at him out in public in your social life? Don't take him with you. Walk away if he gets mad. Don't enable him.
Make sure you have a local, young, reliable person as your PoA (and not your spouse because he will be useless). Make yourself a priority.
Let me tell you something. My cataracts are SO BAD that I can't see the tv or read the captions or the guide. People appear as blobs or shapes w/o definition. The world is a dirty haze now. I was finally able to get ONE eye done, so I can see better out of it, but the other eye gets worse on a daily basis.
When your husband's conditions prevent him from living, THEN he'll pull up his britches and man up to treatment. Me? If I wasn't plagued with a bad eye condition, I'd have had both of these cataracts removed long ago.
Perhaps your husband could use a cognitive evaluation as well.
I agree that if he was not this unreasonable "back in the day" then the OP needs to consider that extreme stubbornness is actually the very beginning of cognitive impairment of some sort. Not being able to hear well does not help this situation, either. I agree he should be tested (discretely, like at his annual FREE Medicare wellness exam. Talk to his doc privately about the concerns you are having about him).
You already know he’s not changing, it’s you who must adapt or have no peace. Let the doctor advise him on what he needs to do. If he won’t get hearing aids, don’t start yelling when he can’t hear, write what you want him to know. If his vision gets bad, don’t allow driving or ride with him. If his pain or discomfort gets too bad, it will force change. Meanwhile, go enjoy activities you like and live in peace
You could let go of HIM. Unfortunately, his refusal to take care of himself increases your probability of becoming a full-time caregiving spouse. He can't hear, has a car accident because he didn't hear the other car blow its horn, and you're in the car with him - then you're also going to need care. He can't see and insists on driving at night with cataracts, same thing could happen. Shoulder hurt with pickleball, you'll be driving him to doctors for quite a while, and he may never regain full use of shoulder, who knows? How will you get your Christmas decorations down from the attic? Ever? Without his help?
If you weren't a spouse, you wouldn't have all these issues staring you in the face. I live in an over-55 community and all around me are frustrated women who have been turned into caregivers by their stubborn, selfish spouses. Their previous social lives and freedom to do what they want are effectively over in some cases.
My spouse complained for weeks about his shoulder. I finally said "I don't want to hear it one more time unless you go try a chiropractor". He tried it and is much better....
I understand your concern; however he is a competent adult (presumably) and makes his own decisions. often when people get uncomfortable enough they will seek help. What we say here is that you can't change anyone but yourself.
If he wants to play pickleball with a sore shoulder, that's his choice. I agree with the poster below - you don't need to hear the complaints of it hurting,
If he can't hear you, you don't need to be shouting at him.
What I am saying is that there are consequences to him not looking after himself. People vary in how much of those consequences they need to experience before they change. Let him be to suffer the consequences and set your own boundaries in terms of how they affect you e.g. repeating what you said only once if he hasn't heard you.
All this presuming he is competent. This resistance may be indicative of early dementia in which case he needs an evaluation. Good luck.
You are way ahead of the game. You know the problems and you know the cure. You must let this go; there is nothing you can do about him.
I would sit down with hubby and tell him exactly what you told us. I would say: "Hon, you don't see well and you are refusing surgery for your cataracts; I can't know why but you are. You aren't hearing well, and you refuse aids. As problematic as they can be I understand, but you could have them for sometimes and not for others, and getting fitted for easy and less expensive ones are simple as a trip to Costco. You have a bad shoulder, and are of an age; but you won't give up pickleball. I am frustrated at seeing you suffer all these things every day without addressing them to make your life easier. And I know I can't afford to take that on, along with my own things. So I am saying it once. These are problems. There are cures. And if you choose not to take the cures, I will be a bit less sympathetic when you don't see it, can't hear it, and your arm's in a sling".
That's IT. Really, that's it. You aren't his mom. He's an adult. And these are his choices. And let me say this: I am 83. My eye doc says "Let me know when you want to address the cataracts; you would see maybe 15% to 20% better in this particular middle distance. It's up to you." I have chosen not to do it yet. I am fine with how well I see. I don't, ALSO, hear well out of my right ear. My doc says "let me know if you want to get aids. I have seen my partner struggle first with the more expensive high tech and now with the lower cost low tech and come to some peace with wearing them for TV and not otherwise. I have decided I hear--as I tell the doc--"WAY MORE THAN I WANT TO".
I have a left shoulder and cervical spine issue, now exacerbated by recent left mastectomy. I DO WAY TOO MUCH and am often more active. I have finally decided to see PT and it's helping enormously.
Your hubby and I are brother/sister of another mother I guess. And I am stubborn. The more so when someone is at me. Just trying to make you feel lucky that you don't have a heap of ME on your plate as well! Good luck.
FWIW, I FINALLY accepted that my hearing was shot about 4 years ago (age 85 at the time) and got hearing aids. They fit inside my ear canal and have made a HUGE difference. They were frightfully expensive but--although I hate to admit it--I'm glad I got them. I resisted for probably 5 years after I really needed them.
I just had cateract surgery and the difference is so great! I had problems with distance and just about stopped driving. I notice lighting seemed dimmer but otherwise I felt I saw OK. I have worn glasses/contacts since age six for farsightedness. When I didn't have glasses on, it was like looking thru an unfocused camera lens. When I put on the glasses everything was clear. I now only need readers, which comes with age anyway. The first night I walked into our bedroom the lights were so bright it hurt my eyes. I am back to driving.
Your husband needs to have cateract surgery. There will come a time when he will become blind and it will then be hard to do the surgery. He will play better pickle ball.😊 Hearing aids will change his world.
I had an Uncle who had the same problems. His TV was placed a foot away from his body. He tried DHs hearing aid and was surprised what he heard. He was entering his 90s then. Said he was not putting the money out because he could die tomorrow. He lived to be 98 and looked what he missed. Sad part, he had the money.
Very encouraging! I made an appointment with the eye doctor for an exam and very probable referral for surgery on my left eye (it's been recommended for the past 10 years--ever since I got the right eye done). Hope mine goes as well as yours. I resisted getting hearing aids for way too long. I've had them for 4 years and can't even imagine not having them now.
You already acknowledge you can't change him. The advice on letting go - Focus on yourself. Continue (or start) to do what gives you joy. Do not enable him. Let his doctor tell DMV to take his driver's license away if he can not see well or can not hear. Don't yell because he can't hear you. Don't adapt to him - make him adapt. If he hurts himself being physically active, doing what he likes to do, let him get hurt. Do Not become his nursemaid! You can help him and do things for him if you would like, but do not get sucked into the vortex of energy-draining caregiving because of his stubbornness to take better care of himself. Probably better to establish those boundaries now, so he can be prepared. Tell him under what circumstances you will not be attending to his every need. A care attendant will be hired, or he can go to a care home if he needs more than you can or are willing to provide. Perhaps, (probably not) he will want to be a little more proactive in protecting his health.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Long story short, begrudgingly, she got hearing aids. I put them in for her every morning (I live next door to her). I walk right past her if she's talking to me without them in, retrieve them from the charger and put them in for her -- then we talk.
You're going to have to have clear boundaries with someone like him: no PT for shoulder? Don't help him with tasks he can no longer do due to the pain. Can't read something? Don't read it for him, tell him to get the surgery. Don't want to shout at him out in public in your social life? Don't take him with you. Walk away if he gets mad. Don't enable him.
Make sure you have a local, young, reliable person as your PoA (and not your spouse because he will be useless). Make yourself a priority.
When your husband's conditions prevent him from living, THEN he'll pull up his britches and man up to treatment. Me? If I wasn't plagued with a bad eye condition, I'd have had both of these cataracts removed long ago.
Perhaps your husband could use a cognitive evaluation as well.
Best of luck to you.
If you weren't a spouse, you wouldn't have all these issues staring you in the face. I live in an over-55 community and all around me are frustrated women who have been turned into caregivers by their stubborn, selfish spouses. Their previous social lives and freedom to do what they want are effectively over in some cases.
Decide if that's what you want for yourself!
If he wants to play pickleball with a sore shoulder, that's his choice. I agree with the poster below - you don't need to hear the complaints of it hurting,
If he can't hear you, you don't need to be shouting at him.
What I am saying is that there are consequences to him not looking after himself. People vary in how much of those consequences they need to experience before they change. Let him be to suffer the consequences and set your own boundaries in terms of how they affect you e.g. repeating what you said only once if he hasn't heard you.
All this presuming he is competent. This resistance may be indicative of early dementia in which case he needs an evaluation. Good luck.
I would sit down with hubby and tell him exactly what you told us. I would say:
"Hon, you don't see well and you are refusing surgery for your cataracts; I can't know why but you are. You aren't hearing well, and you refuse aids. As problematic as they can be I understand, but you could have them for sometimes and not for others, and getting fitted for easy and less expensive ones are simple as a trip to Costco. You have a bad shoulder, and are of an age; but you won't give up pickleball.
I am frustrated at seeing you suffer all these things every day without addressing them to make your life easier. And I know I can't afford to take that on, along with my own things.
So I am saying it once. These are problems. There are cures. And if you choose not to take the cures, I will be a bit less sympathetic when you don't see it, can't hear it, and your arm's in a sling".
That's IT. Really, that's it. You aren't his mom. He's an adult. And these are his choices. And let me say this: I am 83. My eye doc says "Let me know when you want to address the cataracts; you would see maybe 15% to 20% better in this particular middle distance. It's up to you." I have chosen not to do it yet. I am fine with how well I see.
I don't, ALSO, hear well out of my right ear. My doc says "let me know if you want to get aids. I have seen my partner struggle first with the more expensive high tech and now with the lower cost low tech and come to some peace with wearing them for TV and not otherwise. I have decided I hear--as I tell the doc--"WAY MORE THAN I WANT TO".
I have a left shoulder and cervical spine issue, now exacerbated by recent left mastectomy. I DO WAY TOO MUCH and am often more active. I have finally decided to see PT and it's helping enormously.
Your hubby and I are brother/sister of another mother I guess. And I am stubborn. The more so when someone is at me.
Just trying to make you feel lucky that you don't have a heap of ME on your plate as well!
Good luck.
Your husband needs to have cateract surgery. There will come a time when he will become blind and it will then be hard to do the surgery. He will play better pickle ball.😊 Hearing aids will change his world.
I had an Uncle who had the same problems. His TV was placed a foot away from his body. He tried DHs hearing aid and was surprised what he heard. He was entering his 90s then. Said he was not putting the money out because he could die tomorrow. He lived to be 98 and looked what he missed. Sad part, he had the money.
The advice on letting go - Focus on yourself. Continue (or start) to do what gives you joy. Do not enable him. Let his doctor tell DMV to take his driver's license away if he can not see well or can not hear. Don't yell because he can't hear you.
Don't adapt to him - make him adapt. If he hurts himself being physically active, doing what he likes to do, let him get hurt. Do Not become his nursemaid!
You can help him and do things for him if you would like, but do not get sucked into the vortex of energy-draining caregiving because of his stubbornness to take better care of himself. Probably better to establish those boundaries now, so he can be prepared. Tell him under what circumstances you will not be attending to his every need. A care attendant will be hired, or he can go to a care home if he needs more than you can or are willing to provide. Perhaps, (probably not) he will want to be a little more proactive in protecting his health.
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