My husband just passed away and there's so much to do..where do I start?

I am so sorry you are going through this terrible situation. Three years ago, I lost my precious husband of 34 years. I still am trying to figure out what my new normal looks like. One truely has to redefine their identity after losing a spouse. To make matters worse, so much of culture is geared around couples so I often feel like I no longer fit into society. If possible try to connect with others in a similar situation.

Widowhood  by Alisha Bozarth helped me feel like I was experiencing normal feelings.

The first thing you probably want to do is figure out what you are going to do with regards to cremation or burial. At the same time, you will want to figure out what you want to do for a funeral or memorial service. Funeral homes charge a lot to use their facility. (I had my husband's memorial service at the library which was free and not nearly so gloomy.) Funeral homes will try to talk you into spending top dollar for things you dont need. You have to figure out what you are comfortable with. While you may feel like the service/send off is the last thing you can do for your beloved, you want to stay in keeping with what your husband would have wanted in life as well as what you can afford. Your husband would not likely want you to go hungry or lose your home because of spending too much.

Not knowing your situation in life, I would recommend figuring out your finances. Do you have an income? Are you eligible for your husband's life insurance or pension? These items will need to be taken care of pretty quickly after the death certificates come in. If you have young children, do you have someone trustworthy that can watch them while you go to work?

If Houses, cars, bank accounts, etc are in both names you should be ok. If not, depending on how much these assets are valued at, you will likely have to go through probate. (I used Quick tags to change registration to my name instead of my husband's name for one of our cars.)

You will want to find your husband's will if he had one.

ASAP apply for new credit card(s). I found out the hard way that even though I was an authorized user under my husband's credit card, as soon as the death certificate was filed, the accounts were closed and I was left hanging with no card. Fortunately places like Amazon, your bank, etc all can get you a new card pretty quickly.

The funeral home will help you figure out how many certified death certificates to order. I bought 10. Many places will allow you to provide a copy or scan electronically. I recommend you only use your originals when necessary. (Office of Personal Management required an original.) You can get more later if needed.

You will need to update your health insurance.

I had to put utilities, house and car insurance in my name.

Report death the SSA if he was getting a pension from SSA.

Make sure all accounts are updated to reflect your email and phone number. I would recommend you keep his phone and email active for awhile until you know you have everything working well.

Know where your marriage license is in case you need to prove you are eligible for certain benefits.

After the dust settles, you will want to update your own will.


The situation is overwhelming. Make lists of tasks that you know your spouse handled. Keep track of the things you have completed.

Allow yourself to grieve. Grief looks different for everyone. There were times I had to leave a store or church because all of a sudden something reminded me of my husband and tears started flowing. Years later, some things are still just too hard. I have to accept that I am not the same person I was when I was happily married. The loss of my husband has permanently wounded me. I do the best I can and cant beat myself up when I am not able to do things as well as my sweetie was able to do them.

If you are physically able, try to walk and get some fresh air. You need some "you" time. Remember the good days

I also recommend reading “Widow to widow: Thoughtful, practical ideas for rebuilding your life” by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg. A friends Mom gave it to me after my husband passed. It contains a wealth of info and you can skip around for whatever phase of grieving your in. It’s on Amazon. Highly recommend it.

Totally agree on keeping notes. I'm a list person and keeping a Google doc with actual checklists that I update, cross off, etc., has helped. Try to make a note of date & action taken or open issue etc so you know what you did when and can revisit things as you wait for changes to be made and notifications sent to you. When you come across a good suggestion (like in one of these forum Q&As) you can drop it into the master list instead of trying to hold on to multiple articles/ideas/resources.

I also like to see everything charted out in order to figure out the right order of tasks. Some things have to be done in the right sequence (like making sure you change any autopay-connected bills or secondary user needs before canceling credit cards) and some just naturally occur in order (like the funeral home notifying Social Security office, which may go ahead and send the one-time death payment and make spousal payment adjustments without you having to pull all the forms to request everything).

A lot depends on what you already have access to, what final arrangements you made with your husband, your state laws, whether you're on his accounts as beneficiary, joint owner with right of survivorship, transfer-on-death, etc.

We did advance funeral planning for my in-laws, but there was still a ton of details to handle when my FIL died. The folks at the funeral home were an excellent resource, they had tips, options, preferred vendors, etc., along with helping identify all the tasks I'd needed to address.

I offer condolences and wish you the best.

First, I am very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how sad and difficult this is for you. I will say up front that I have not had to go through what you are going through yet. But, I have spent time trying to get organized ahead of the time when my parents pass by visiting the funeral home I intend to use and reading posts on this site. I know that when the time comes. I may not be able to focus. Here is what I have learned:

If you are still making final arrangements with the funeral home, concentrate on that first. The funeral Director should have a wealth of information to help you and is used to helping grieving people make decisions they never wanted to make. Engage a family member or friend to help you make arrangements if you want to - or make those decisions yourself if you already know what your husband and you wanted. Even if that is the case, it can still be comforting to have someone with you while you negotiate these unfamiliar tasks. The funeral home typically takes care of notifying social security and obtaining death certificates. Do be sure to ask for enough death certificates to cover the many places that will require them. That includes banks, investment companies, pension plans, life insurance companies, etc. You may need at least 10 certificates or more. It is easier to get enough certificates up front than having to order more later. Let the funeral director handle those items first you. Also, many funeral homes offer written guides and “to-do” lists of the things that need to be done when someone dies. Ask if any guides are available. Even if you have already handled final arrangements, the funeral director may be able to give you additional information and guidance.

When you feel ready, I respectfully suggest that you create a notebook or folder to keep organized and create your own list of things that need to be done. You need a list of organizations with addresses and telephone numbers where you will have to send death certificates. You don’t need to move too fast on that - using an estate attorney may be the best bet. But, you still need to be organized. I like three ring binders and some three hole plastic sleeves to hold certificates etc. Maybe someone can get these things for you from any office supply store. Have a family member or trusted friend help you if there is someone you feel can do this. Use an estate attorney to guide you through legal matters.

Because you are grieving, delegate what you can to trusted family, friends and professionals, but stay involved and be the ultimate decision maker. Keep copies of everything in your folder/notebook.

Take care of your self as much as you can and don’t expect more of yourself than you are ready and able to do. Let yourself feel what you feel. ((()))

I am so sorry for your loss! 🙏

I’m so sorry for your loss. It has been 7 years since I lost my husband. I have walked in your shoes and it is awful. My suggestions are: Yes keep his name on the bank accounts for now. No rush to remove his name. Also get a notebook from the dollar store to write things down and make your to do list. If he has a will, make sure all properties are owned jointly. You can avoid probate that way. If no will or not everything is jointly owned, that’s where the problems come in. That’s what I went thru. As far as for his clothing and personal items, there is no rush. I offered many things to my kids and I am honored when they wear them. A friend took his flannel shirts and made pillowcases out of them. I bought pillows and gave them to the kids and grandkids. Also, don’t be hard on yourself. Grieve when it hits you and it will hit you a lot. Try and do one thing each day if you can. But don’t feel bad if you have a bad day and can’t do anything. And lastly, if someone asks if you need help, take them up on it with a task you can farm out. We cannot do it all and it is overwhelming. God bless you on your journey.

DianeEliz: Deepest condolences.

Yes, hospice social worker should be able to help with a list of things to do &/or people or websites to refer you to.

I really like the suggestion that someone made earlier to have a notebook & write things down as people mention them. You don’t have to take action right away, but you have a list of things to look at as you feel up to it. All of us have different financial pieces, property, etc. So what some people say may not apply to you, but if you aren’t sure, you can still write it down in the note book & check on it later.

My heart goes out to you.
Deep condolences of your loss.

* Hire an attorney as needed.
* Get in a grief support group.
* Find a grief therapist.
* Ask Hospice what they can / cannot do; they may have referrals.

* Take time to breathe.
Meditate, even for a moment. Focus on in-between the in and out breathing.

* Let all your feelings come out; don't hold anything back.
* Know that grief comes in waves of shock, denial, sadness, and think of the good times (gratitude).

* Treat yourself well.
- Surround yourself with loved ones who care and will listen (vs giving advice)
- You might need to tell your family and friends that you just want them to listen and not tell you what you need to do. You want to ('be in" / ) stay in your experience, whatever it may be, not be distracted by others talking.
- If you don't want to share or can't, just ask them to 'be' with you, in silence or silent prayer.

Gena / Touch Matters

I am one year and a day since my husband passed.

The funeral home supplied a list of things I should do, I think this is standard practice. If you just do one thing every few days, it will all be completed within a month.

I made a few mistakes along the way.

My first mistake was to cancel all the credit cards in his name. I thought that would only cancel the cards in his wallet, not the cards in my wallet that had him as primary. Imagine my surprise the first time I went to get gas and the gas card was declined. (The lady in the store was so kind to me, she gave me the gas for free!)

My second mistake was when I tried to take his name off of our bank accounts. My bank stopped me from doing this, they said to leave his name on everything with the bank for a while. They explained why, but I have no idea now what they said. I should probably go back to them since it has been a year.

Another mistake, if you want to call it that, was to not make a clean sweep of the clothing. Some of it I gave to my son, and when I see him in his father's shirts, it is a bit triggering. That just might be my problem to address.

You are overwhelmed right now. Give yourself grace and time.

First take a deep breath. Hospice will help guide you. Start with first things first. Getting yourself thru the funeral. Take time. The funeral home contacted SS for us.
They ordered death certificates. I ordered copies. I called life insurance company first. I went to banks and financial institutions. They need copy of DC (only there first because I’m so leary of scammers). I called IRA or 401K . Next I contacted health insurance, Medicare secondary.Did household bills last. I wish i could sit down with you.
**You know what- just make a list of things as they pop in your head or as ppl suggest. Keep your notebook handy. Then when you get a minute write down the contact phone numbers for your list. Then you can figure out who to call first. leave space to keep names and the date of who you call and what they say. It’s hard remembering at this point. You’re welcome to msg me if you like. But of course there are lawyers on here that could possibly guide you better. God bless

Just like selling a house and moving, plan to schedule 20 to 30 minutes a day as baby steps. You might find that you do more than that some days and less on others.

Take a deep breath. You do not need to rush most of the things you will need to do.
Hospice may have already notified Social Security. If your husband had a pension, notify the company of his death so they stop making payments. You don't want a lot of payments made that you will suddenly have to pay back.

Let your bank and financial institutions help you with any changes you need to make in titles and legal papers. Again, there is not a great rush. I found the people at such places very helpful and comforting and I knew they were doing the paper work correctly. They can also guide you in what else needs to be done with your legal paper work. You do not need to do it all at once. Institutions are very forgiving.

Take your time in deciding what's next for you. For the next several months, you will not be thinking clearly even when you think you are. Don't make major decisions or sales or purchases. When you feel ready, you can begin to sort through belongings and donate things, perhaps sell an extra car if there is one. In a year or two you might decide you want to move, but do not rush into that decision. You may prefer to stay right where you are.

Do not get rattled by things people tell you "should" do or how you "should" feel.
Again, you do not need to do it all at once.

Don't feel you shouldn't cry at your loss. I held it in for 3 months because of my mother and her attitude and it did no good. Let it out.
Sending love xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. What you’re feeling is completely normal — grief itself is already overwhelming, and then all the ‘to-do’ lists and advice from every direction can feel like too much to carry. Please know you don’t have to do it all at once.

Yes, hospice can absolutely be a resource even after your loved one has passed. Many hospice programs offer bereavement support for family members, sometimes for up to a year or more. You might want to reach out to the hospice team and let them know how overwhelmed you are — they can connect you with grief counselors, support groups, and sometimes even help guide you on the practical next steps.

For now, give yourself permission to take things one step at a time. Handle only what feels necessary today — the rest can wait. Grief is not a race, and you don’t have to carry it all alone.

So sorry for your loss. You've received some good advice here; the only thing I want to add is that it may take a few weeks to obtain the death certificate. When my mother died in 2023, it took a month or so.

You may not need a probate attorney. 0ur Wills read whats yours in mine, beneficiaries only came into play if we died at the same time. Probate can not be done in my State till 9 or 10 days after death. Most of our investments have beneficiaries. So no need to probate that money. Our house is pretty much the only asset we have that may need probating. I only used a lawyer to have the house, that was left to my brother who did not want it, placed into the estate. He ended up helping with the sale of the house and closing out the estate. I had done everything else. Talk to your probate office to see what you will need to do. If you feel the process is overwhelming, then get a lawyer.

You've already received good advice here, but please come back for further questions and to let us know more about your situation. I remember making a checklist and prioritizing the items. Important financial steps were high on the list, other things waited for months and it was fine. (I still have something I've been meaning to do for over a year but it's not crucial and it's OK.)

I tell everyone here to find the grief support that works for them. That can be so many things, including groups(in person, zoom), individual counseling, reading about grief("The Grieving Brain" and "It's OK that You're Not OK" helped me tremendously). Pick one thing to try when you're ready and don't feel badly if it's not for you. There are things that will be for you.

You've just joined a horrendous club and there are a lot of members that have a sense of what you're going through and can help. Keep reaching out as you've done here.

Ask Hospice if they have any recommendations for widow's support groups or for probate attorneys. Your first step, if you are executor, will be in transfer of your husband to a funeral establishment and making arrangements there, ordering your death certificate copies, making certain they or you notify SS of this death.

Choose a probate attorney or trust and estate attorney then. They will walk you through the steps to get an EIN number for tax purposes and settling your husbands estates and affairs.

That's a start. You will be busy for some time, but it is understood that this all takes time.

I am so sorry for your loss. Do understand that we all feel utterly lost and confused in the shock of loss like this. Give yourself time. Gather all the support around you that you are able, family, extended family, friends, faith based or other community you have created in your life. Feel free to consult with a Licensed Social Worker in private practice--this can be a touchstone to maintain sanity in a time of great fear.

Wishing you the best and hoping you will update us as you go.

The Hospice Social Worker can help you or at least help point you in the direction you need to go to do all the things you need to do.
And the Hospice should also offer Bereavement as well.
And yeah you are right there is a lot to do.
Did he have a Will? If so the Lawyer can help you with that.
I hope the Funeral Home is helping you with some things. But do not let them push you into doing what you do not want to do.
Make sure you have ordered plenty of copies of the Death Certificate. Order more than you think you will need.
I do hope you have family and friends that you can count on at this time.
🙏

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with funkygrandma59 to talk to hospice or any church or faith organization for grief counseling.

The funeral home will guide you through everything to organize a service, if that's what you wish. They will also notify the SSA about his passing, but I would still call them yourself. The funeral home will offer a few free death certificates so be sure to get those because you will need them. I think 3-5 should be ample.

If your husband had a Will I would review it to see who he assigned as the Executor. Because he was your spouse, most likely all his assets will "pour over" to you. If you have any questions you can contact a certified elder law attorney to interpret anything in the Will that you don't understand. If he didn't have a Will and all property and assets were owned jointly by you or you were the named beneficiary, then there's not much to worry about. Again, any questions can be asked to a CELA.

If your husband was receiving a SS benefit check, just leave enough money in the receiving checking account to cover that same amount because the govt will likely take it back (since the August check actually paid for Sept and the recipient needs to be alive the entire month of Sept in order to keep that money).

There isn't anything urgent to do except pay the bills as usual. You can transfer accounts later. Don't hesitate to ask trusted family, friends, neighbors or church/synagogue members to help you. Our church has a Care ministry where we keep tabs on elders in our church and provide any help that is requested, members, part-time attenders or completely new people from our community.

In the past 2 years my 83-yr old neighbor across the street from me has lost her husband, son and now just in the last 2 weeks her adult grandson and her beloved 14-yr old dogs. The neighbors have rallied in a beautiful way to lift her up and support her each time. Do not hesitate to ask for help or accept any that is offered. Tell people exactly what they can do for you -- most of the time they are aching to help.

May you receive peace in your heart as you move through the grief and change.

First...I am sorry for the loss of your dear husband. My late husband died 5 years ago today, and I find it so very hard to believe how fast those 5 years have went.
The only thing hospice will do for you at this point is to provide grief counseling for free if you feel you need that.
If you're planning any kind of funeral for your husband the folks at the funeral home will help you plan the kind of service you want.
Then depending on your age(if you're not retirement age yet, but at least 60)you should call the Social Security office and report his death, so you can receive widows benefits if applicable.
After that you can take your time with any of the financial things like his will, any trusts he may have had, or retirement funds. And if you have a financial advisor they can help you now as well.
And if you had a joint checking account like my husband and I did, you will have to take a copy of the death certificate to the bank so you can have them change any accounts to just your name.
There does seem to be a lot to do initially, but most of it you can take your time doing, so you can give yourself time to grieve, as that is the most important thing that should be done after losing your dear husband as he deserves that much.
You are going to be ok, this I know. Will it take some time? Of course. But know that God's got you and that He will never leave you nor forsake you.
May God bless you and keep you in the days, weeks and months ahead.