We’ve been married for 12 years and have a 5-year-old daughter. My husband is 52, and I’m 38. In 2021, we relocated from Los Angeles to Japan due to my job transfer.
About two weeks ago, a friend of my mother-in-law contacted my husband and his younger brother, saying that she was no longer able to live independently. The very next day, my husband suddenly told me that he planned to return to the U.S. within a week.
He explained that he had originally planned to return in September if his job in Japan, which he had started at the end of May, didn’t work out. He said that his mother was aware and supportive of this plan. However, he had never had a mutual agreement or any clear discussion about this with me, so his sudden announcement left me deeply confused.
I later confirmed with my sister-in-law (my husband’s brother’s wife) that while their mother does require external support, the situation is not urgent enough to require any of us to move in with her. The four of us—my husband, his brother, my sister-in-law, and I—had a group call to assess the situation and we all agreed that there was no emergency.
Despite this, I recently found out that my husband had already quit his job in Japan (after having been unemployed for most of the past three years), and he still insists on returning to the U.S. immediately. He says he’s deeply worried that his mother might fall and die while alone, but to me, his urgency feels disproportionate and emotionally driven.
My husband has long expressed that he doesn’t feel happy living in Japan, which seems to be one of his motivations to return. Yet just three weeks ago, the three of us visited a potential elementary school for our daughter and even talked about buying a house in Japan. His thoughts and plans are inconsistent, and I no longer know what he truly wants.
Last year, he returned to the U.S. alone for about 10 months, saying he needed to “find himself again” and work. But when things didn’t go as planned, he chose to return to Japan, saying he missed our daughter very much. It hasn’t even been a full year since then, and I fear this is becoming a repeating pattern.
To me, it seems the real reason he wants to go back to the U.S. is tied to his relationship with his mother. After his father passed away, he told me it was the first time he could have genuine conversations with her, and it seems he is trying to heal emotional wounds from his childhood.
When he visited her in April, she cried in front of him, saying, “I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.” She refused his brother’s offer to live together in Denver and has also declined any kind of external support. I sensed that she was quietly hoping my husband would return. When he told her he would come back if work in Japan didn’t go well, she said he was always welcome to come home — rather than encouraging him to stay in Japan and fulfill his responsibilities as a father and husband. She is a kind woman, but her choices and words—though subtle—create a situation where her sons feel they have no option but to prioritize her. Watching this dynamic is deeply frustrating and painful for me.
His younger brother is trying to convince their mother to accept outside help, but my husband seems determined to return to the U.S. regardless of whether support is arranged or not.
My husband doesn’t seem to realize how strongly he is being influenced by his mother. When it comes to our daughter and me, all he says is that he will “send money once he starts working in the U.S.” There’s no timeline, no clear plan. It feels as if he expects me to raise our daughter—financially, emotionally, and physically—entirely on my own, as if that’s simply my role.
He says he doesn’t want a divorce and wants to keep the family together. But to me, the moment he chooses to leave his young daughter behind and prioritize his mother…
The right order of things is wife/husband and children come first before parents or anyone else. Your husband is using his mother as an excuse to get out of his marriage and still look like a good guy. His mother is probably in on it and going along with it. Talk to a divorce lawyer.
As complicated as this is- at its core, unfortunately it is simple. It sounds from your post as if your DH has never attempted to settle in Japan (lack of a job, was there a reason -no work visa for example - or just him not trying). He has already traveled back to the US for nearly a year to try this "work and send money" thing once.
His mother is just an excuse unfortunately. SHE would love to have him there of course. Your SIL and BIL have already said that she does not need 24/7 care. THEY have even invited her to move to their home AND she has declined not only that but also external help.
This feels very engineered to me. He is unhappy in Japan (for whatever reason) and he is angling to come back to the US. And how could you possibly be upset if his mother needed him to return? (sarcasm of course) That's like the one "reason" that you likely wouldn't put up a fight or ask a lot of questions.
Sadly, as Geaton stated, this is not a caregiving issue. It has already been confirmed that she doesn't NEED your husband specifically to come back to the US to provide her care. She has other options.
Of course he doesn't want a divorce, because then legally his "send money once he starts working" would come with child support requirements and actual potential to garnish said wages. As long as you are still married, he can just do whatever he wants with no legal requirements to provide anything for your child. If he believes that his mother requires 24/7 care and that is why it is so urgent for him to return - what makes him think he will have time to work outside of providing her care?
The lack of a plan - that's on purpose. That way you are off balance and don't have a leg to stand on legally to ensure that he does what he promises. Additionally -what kind of visitation is he going to have with your daughter? What happens if there is an emergency and YOU need him to come to Japan immediately? Can he leave his mother on the fly to come to you and your daughter? I realize there are people like those in the military who deploy and have no choice but to be away from their children for an extended periods of time. But your DH doesn't HAVE to do this....your MIL has other options.
Sadly, you said your DH is determined to do this. And sadly that reflects on his dedication to you and your daughter when there are other options and he is insisting this is the only one.
Again, I feel like his "I don't want to divorce, I want to keep the family together" is his way of making sure he has no legal obligations to provide for his daughter.
Also, this has given him a way out of Japan and basically his marriage.
This "I'll send money when I can thing" will not work, simply put, he is a lazy man.
Me? I would not depend on him for anything, and if you cannot live with that, I would divorce him and firm up child support.
Red flags have been flying in your face for a long time, might be time to do something about them.
What's YOUR plan to deal with a husband who has no interest in his marriage or family?
I felt guilty and still sometimes feel guilty about divorcing a person who took care of his very old parents in their home. The man was practically a saint! But he wasn't a good husband and for many years (from their preteen years to their 30s), he wasn't a good father to our children.
I won't say that every married adult who takes care of their aging parent is doing so to get away from their spouse or their children. But for some, abandonment of their family of choice and of adult obligations is a primary motivation.
He seems to have an aversion to working and thinks caregiving for his mother will give him a way out. (He's got a big surprise in store if he thinks caregiving will be easier.)
The thing to remember is that actions speak louder than words. No matter what he says, the truth will be found in what he does.
Face the problem by treating it as a business/financial matter. There will be plenty of time to get emotional about it later, but for now ALL BUSINESS. After the lawyer advises you of your options, think it over and decide what's best for you and your daughter.
Do this before your husband leaves Japan, if possible. Options may decrease once he's flown the coop.
Frankly, considering the lack of respect and love he's showing for you and your child, if I were you I'd want to be rid of him permanently, but you do have to consider your daughter and I understand that. I wish you luck in a bad situation.
Ummmmm. That was your first clue.
You also say this: "My husband has long expressed that he doesn’t feel happy living in Japan, which seems to be one of his motivations to return. "
You have all the facts here. Your husband is very unhappy with this move. It sounds as though he doesn't feel free to discuss with you where you will move, where you will remain, how long you will remain there, how he feels about being a continent away from family with aging parent. So he agrees to do it your way, then simply leaves.
But I'm no marriage counselor and that's what you need.
This isn't an aging care issue. Your MIL is fine and has family.
This is a marital issue.
I suggest marriage counseling and I am not certain that the cultural differences--Japan VS USA will allow for adequate counseling for the two of you.
I think an aging care forum can be of little help to you. I think this has almost nothing to do with your MIL but has to do rather with an unhappy hubby who longs to return to his own country and his own family, and but for your child would have long ago done so permanently.
Just my guess. I could well be wrong. But given you clearly are an exceptionally intelligent woman, I believe, given what you've told us, that you are more aware of all this than you pretend to be; it's going to be hard to push this off onto MIL.
MIL is the excuse that the husband is using to go back to the US .
It’s not that rare for a relocation to end a marriage.
OP never said how she responds to her husband expressing his unhappiness for a long time with this relocation .
You have some big decisions here. Do not go too fast. Can you support yourself without your husband? Can you transfer back to the States and support yourself? Do you like Japan and is your daughter thriving?
My opinion, let him go. You need to see what he will do. Maybe he will use caring for Mom as an excuse not to work. Make him aware that you will not be supporting him if he returns to the US so he must get a job. Your money is needed to support you and your child. He is deciding to leave his family so he has to take care of himself. If Mom becomes more important than his family, I may consider divorce especially if you don't want to return to the States.
As they say, time will tell.
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