My husband is resisting putting my FIL in a home. I think it’s time.

You say that your husband can ‘hardly stand to talk to him any more’. This makes it sound as though you do most of the up-close-and-personal care. Perhaps your own doctor could tell you that it is damaging for you (and I’m sure it is – you don’t have to be too imaginative). If your husband has to take over more hands-on care, he may see quicker that this has to change. And try to arrive home after your husband!

Placing FIL in a care facility doesn’t happen without planning. If he doesn’t have enough money or income to cover the costs outright, then you are facing the process of getting Medicaid coverage. A Case Manager through a community agency (or check “A Place For Mom) will be a great help in preparing for the transition and recommending facilities as well as negotiating the system. Additionally, in my experience dementia in an alcoholic patient is especially difficult because, even when they are not drinking they have few inhibitions and caring for them can be especially distasteful. Unless FIL has adequate, readily available finances it will take months to get him placed.

Others have given good suggestions. My Dad could be your FIL. He is now in a nursing home, has structure, is clean, and after 3 months of adjustments, he is exactly where he needs to be.
We just had a family gathering at the nursing home.
Dad was asking for wine with the meal. So my brother brought 2 bottles of non alcoholic red wine. He had the bottle covered so you couldn’t see the label. It looked like wine, smelled and tasted like wine. Dad was happy. He had not had a drink for 5 months. He never said anything about it except to thank us.

Where was the caregiver when this all happened? Yes, husband should have cleaned it up. Hope you aren't leaving FIL alone. He is past that.

Your husband's priority is you and his children. His Dad needs more care than you can give. It is no longer what he wants, its what he needs. So much will be taken off your shoulders if he goes into NH. He will be fed and clean. You can use the doctors there so no more appts. If on Medicaid, footdoctor, dentist and eye doctor will come to him. His laundry will be done for you. You and husband should be enjoying your kids while you can. FIL has had his life. Time for yours.

What does caregiver do if all those things are happening w the feces & underwear? Maybe he needs male caregiver? You should not have to deal with anything like this when you come home after work as you should just eat, take shower & go to sleep...& get ready for next day’s work...like getting your clothes or your lunch ready (if you take packed lunch to work)

If your husband can't see that this is all getting beyond home care you may need to draw a line.

If he wants dad at home then he can deal with the feces and incontinence issues solo.

I have a huge issue with seniors that insist on staying at home in some one else's house. If he was able to live in his own house and hire all the help he needs then this becomes an option. But he guit living at home 5-6 years ago.

Yes, you opened your home and made him feel comfortable but it is still not his house and he cannot expect to have everyone else compromise their lives for his wants.

It is so unfair to everyone, including dad. Who wants their grandchildren to see them covered in feces, unable to dress properly? Not anyone in their right mind. Give FIL his dignity back and let the pros take care of him.

My grandma was in a NH for 12 years back in the late 70s through the 80s. I know she would have rather died then have us kids see the things we did while my mom tried to care for her at home. That makes me sadder than the years I had to visit her at the nursing home.

I pray your husband sees how the kindest thing to do is not always the easiest.

Ps: if the doctor okays it, most facilities will allow alcohol consumption.

Depending on how good your FIL MD is, that may be your best resource! When was your FIL’s his last complete physical?

Doctors are suppose to determine what level of care their patients require based on specific assessments that they perform. They calculate how much the patient can do for themselves vs how much care they need from others for things like activities of daily living, such as dressing, bathing and toilet use to things like cognitive functioning, medical diagnosis, etc.

Your FIL’s needs may be met in a memory care Assisted Living facility if his dementia isn’t too advanced, some specialize in only memory care and have specially trained staff and a specially designed and safe environment.

This may be an option that your husband would like better because it won’t look as “institutional.”

I do agree with you, it gets to a point where moving your FIL into a specialized care home will benefit everyone, especially your FIL.

Good facilities will do everything they can to improve his quality of life while minimizing stress.

They will assist and and encourage him to be active with activities specially designed for patients with dementia. The entire environment, everything from the type of furniture, paint colors, background music, even the color of the plates and glasses are specifically designed with managing dementia. He will make new friends, even though you probably can’t imagine that now, the social aspects are also very important.

Have you thought of hiring a senior care, or geriatric care manager? This person would be a huge help to you!!...... presenting you options and with the transition if that is what you chose to do.

You and you husband have done so much for your FIL for so long! He is lucky to have you both!

But diseases progress, and it gets to a point where you can’t provide the care he needs any longer. It isnt helping anyone, nor is it healthy for anyone, having that much stress at home. Your resources are limited in a home compared to a specialized facility where everything is designed for managing the disease, including specially trained staff 24/7.

The other part of all of this is the financial aspect. Sadly, it does come down to money, something I personally believe is unethical. The more money you have the better facility and care. There are financial experts that can help you no matter what his circumstances are.

Good luck! And please be careful, especially if he starts to wander at night. You may need to unplug the stove or take the knobs off so he won’t start a fire!

What does your husband think of your kids being around this - it isn't healthy - feces everywhere. You both are not giving Dad the care that he needs and it is not your fault that you are  not a mini nursing home. Dad needs to be where there is sufficient staff around the clock who are trained and experienced in helping dementia, incontinent patients with their needs.

It is not a good situation for you and your husband -probably too exhausted and burned out to be good spouses or parents, definitely too burned out to be giving dad the much higher level of care his condition is now requiring.

My son might prefer to stay at home and play video games all day but school is in his best interest. Maybe not exactly the same - but you are now the adults in this situation. Do what is clearly best for you all.

you are not putting dad on an ice floe - you will visit, take care of his needs, just not take care of his physical needs - the professionals will.

let us know how it goes.