My husband is angry at me and will not eat or sleep in the same bed. He has early Alzheimer’s and he seems to hate me. Any advice?

Glad to hear he’s calmer now. We’re any medications added from the hospital visit for him to help with the anger and his demeanor? And good for you on driving!

Thank you for all your support and ideas. He is home now. The first couple of days were tough but now he is a little calmer and eating what I prepare for him. His driving skills do not seem to be affected yet. I am with him when he drives but will be getting my own car soon. He is angry about this. But I don’t think he feels his driving skills will diminish. I haven’t driven in a couple of years but want to start driving ASAP.

So sorry you are going thru this but unfortunately this is sometimes part of ALZ. My spouse didn't remember our daughter one day, the following week he did not know me and tried to keep me out of "his house". He never did remember and its two years later. He is in a wonderful ALZ facility and is "at home" there. We visit and often wonder if one day he might know us.

That's good that the police officers took his guns. I was concerned that he might have guns when I read that he's a retired police officer.

Ellie - your son can be a great help and support. Check your local county office of aging, they have resources for you. You just have to call. You can find them online. You can ride Barta free all day. They offer other services for seniors as well.
You need some decompression time. I know what it's like to have a person with dementia be antagonistic, cursing, demanding, etc. It's not easy at all. It's like having to stuff your feelings.
You can always call the doc/nurse and discuss husband's care any time you need to. They will return your call at the end of the day usually.
The alzheimers org online also has information.
Maybe you can hire a college kid or get son/relatives to come in and be with him a few hrs a week, or just 1x a week for an hour, while you de-stress, and do something for you.
Go out with a friend or son for coffee, meet up with church friends, even if just for an hour. It will help you so much.
There is also adult day care, senior center etc, after his meds are adjusted. Lean on your son. You are dealing with a lot.
We're always here for you too. Take care.

Ellie so glad he’s going to the dr Tuesday. Make sure your son shares all your concerns including the threats and anger against you and recordings you may have made of his outbursts. And the police report. Please let us know how the appt goes.

Be safe, Ellie. Don’t kid yourself about hubby being unable to get to your gun. He can. While he’s at the doctor tomorrow, go out and buy yourself a fingerprint safe. (Take Uber or Lyft or a cab?) And use the damm safe. If you already know there’s no way you can get out tomorrow, order one on Amazon tonite. 

This is Ellie again. My son is taking him to his doctor tomorrow. My husband will not go if I go with them. Hopefully, this will help if it is medication problem or whatever. Also, a Resource Officer from our Senior Center will be getting involved. The police officers who came to our home wrote a report out about the visit. He was very cordial to the officers as he is a retired police officer. Because he was saying he wanted to die, they took his guns. He did not object to them but it certainly has made him more angry toward me. I am determined to start driving our van even if he objects. I have many appointments to go to in June. I have cardiac problems, rheumatoid arthritis and do go to a therapist/psychiatrist every couple of months. Not on pity potty but independence will be the best for my future. That will anger him more! Thanks for the support everyone. Your support has been so helpful for me. I will also look for a support group nearby.

Just posted on
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/husband-was-diagnosed-with-alzheimers-this-year-he-is-80-years-old-and-is-very-mad-at-me-439348.htm

Now is the time in your life where all your faith, patience, etc. should be summoned to get you through this terrible time in your life. Its not him its the disease. If you need to put stickers up around your home to remind yourself then so be it. The mental anguish can be unbearable, let alone the future medical requirements.

You've done nothing wrong. His brain now works 'wrong'. Difficult to understand, we did not with my dad at first and it took a while. It is an extremely difficult illness and very difficult for those close to the relative. Be prepared by reading up on it. It might be safer for you to drive too. They don't mean what they say or do. They often have anger issues with it. What worked best for us as his two daughters, was to be gentle ALL the time. They respond better to it. All the best.

I am sorry you are going through this difficult phase. It will pass and other phases will begin. I have lived this also. It is heartbreaking. Please stay strong. Seroquel helped my husband and his behaviour.

My hubby was diagnosed 11 yrs ago & on 3rd visit our son had seen his father being unkind to me. He asked the Dr. Is there anything you can give him? She gave him an antidepressant that chgd him from a lion to a lamb. I know this horrible desease has an ending & pray I can survive longer so I can take care of him. He even thanks me. I stay as calm as I can & makes life much better. Remember in their world they cannot chg. We in our world can. I suggest you call his former team mates & having known him could they please give you a ride or occupy your hubby so you can drive someplace. My hubby would be jealous if I talked to a man even our pastor. Not so much now. Sneak out all fire arms or have his buddies do it. Call 911 if you have to. Alzheimers has a 24/7 help line also.

Your husband maybe experiencing some personality changes due to disease progression. It may be a good idea to have him see his primary care physician or neurologist for follow-up evaluation. Best wishes and be sure your are getting the support you need as a primary caregiver to avoid burnout.

I think you should get him to the hospital ASAP if he is not eating and drinking. Thenvtell docs what is going on. They can help you with meds, and the social worker has dealt with this before. She can help you with options.
I just read where anger, and lashing out are common for those with alzheimers. Don't argue. Try to de-escalate situation. If that doesn't work, don't engage.
I would let 911 know he is combative. He needs to be seen asap. This is over your head at this point.

A lot of anger and hostility from victims of dementia, is probably fear. They know "something " is wrong but can't figure out what is amiss. Fear of the unknown and anger from the frustration. Of course,those nearest will be the target of their fearful rage!

Ellie, Do not blame yourself. Ask your doctor for information on the type of dementia your husband has and how it should be handled. My wife was the kindest person you could ask for but periodically the dementia would take over, especially in the late afternoon when sun downers syndrome took effect.Also, have your doctor contact authorities if the doctor believes the driving is dangerous. Being a caregiver is difficult. I found that playing soothing music (I used familiar hymns) and trying to get others to visit or call helped a lot. Unfortunately it is difficult to get others to help. During the last three months of my wife's life none of our children or church members would visit or even call.

Hi Ellie;
I hear from a lot of people whose husbands become angry and combative when they have been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's. There are some drugs that can help with this (some are antidepressants) so I would suggest you speak with the doctor. However, the truth is that each person reacts differently and there is no real fix. I think that your husband is angry and is looking for a scapegoat so as not to turn his anger inward. I would consider some counseling that seems to work well in these situations. Often both husband and wife go together and sometimes, just the patient.

Ellie ... i may have missed this but my idea is that he may not remember any caring serious discussions you want to have with him and so his mind will remain "closed" to anything you say. Im sorry. This is so sad.

Definitely an understanding helpful doc who says something more than "well he just wont talk to me so i dont have an answer" is someone you need to find and talk to.

It is the dementia talking not him - basically he is scared so he turns on the person closest to him - take it as a badge of courage - he'll switch to something else as he goes down his path of dementia

Make a meal & leave for him to eat if he won't sit down to eat with you - he shouldn't be driving as he is not making good choices anymore - his anger to end up as a road rage incident - the dr. needs to know how he is by taping a few incidents with your cell phone

Tell his doctor right away. He should not be driving. Better hide the keys.
As for you- there are groups that help loved ones struggling with partners with dementia. They can be a big help.
Every time he starts on you, remember it's the disease, not him. He could be paranoid bc he knows something is wrong, and he is powerless to change it. He might be lashing out. Unfortunately you are the one there.
You also need to take care of you. You need time away too. You need help as much as he does as a care taker. Find ways to decompress if you can.
His doc should be able to help.
Perhaps the county of aging office? They have services and programs.
Take care of you too.

Was the MRI for an alzheimer work-up or did something else happen? Did he strike his head in a fall, for example? Head injury can cause personality change, as can masses and tumors. As awful as his poor behavior will act as a catalyst to help you become more self-reliant....that is not a bad thing to work on. In a perfect world, his complaints could be deep down a worry about what you will do when he can't do any more. So, I like everyone's ideas....dust off your driving skills, look at other forms of transportation and get some help to come to the house. Start looking into the details of advanced care for someone with alzheimer's so that you are prepared for that eventuality. The more empowered you feel, the better you will feel.

He could be losing memories of the goods times, of the reasons he's with you. It's time to find other ways to get around, not just because he doesn't want to drive you, but also because he's driving is going to deteriorate over time.

Give him space. Do your own thing. If he has Alzheimer's, then he's going to need you. He's going to have to reach out to you. If you push it, then either he or you could be out the door and very vulnerable.

My FIL is suffering from dementia. He can't make decisions anymore. He has forgotten much. He doesn't recognize many people he used to know. He's wife recently past. They were "two peas in a pod." He doesn't remember it. He dreams of finding someone else. He talks about a friend who found his true love after his first wife past. My FIL is deluded. His first wife was his true love. He has dementia--most likely he's has moderate Alzheimer's. Thankfully, he still knows who we are. We're currently making preparations for him to live with us.

Early onset dementia means dementia that occurs before the age of 65--as opposed to early stage dementia, meaning dementia which has just begun and not yet progressed.

I 'm sorry, that is very hurtful. My father treated my mother the same way and it hurt her. I think it may very well be the dementia.

My wife was like this in her early stage of dementia. She would lose things and accuse me of hiding them from her, she accused me of trying to poison her, She called me demon, devil, and other foul names. She ran away several times and would tell people I was trying to kill her. This went on for four or five weeks, and it eventually ended, turning out to be but a stage she was going through. She went back to being the loving wife she used to be. I hope this is the case with your husband. My wife is now in a dementia/ Alzheimer's and memory care facility and has adjusted to living there quite well.

Ask your father who he thinks you are? He may be seeing you as someone else. I remember that my late mom was seeing my father as her dad.

Ask your father who he thinks you are? He may be seeing you as someone else. I remember that my late mom was seeing my father as her dad.

When my mom had Alzheimer's, she'd often tell me to "drop dead and go 'someplace warm.'" This was over nothing, by the way. The first time she said that, (and she never, ever spoke to anyone with those words), I was mortified. My husband would mouth the words, "It's not really your mother." By the tenth time she said that to me, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. My advice, aside from echoing what other people have suggested, about talking to his doctor about this, is to find some humor when you can. I even wrote about this in, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." R. Lynn Barnett

We're going through similar with my mother in law who's living with us. Anything to start a verbal spat. She seems to go along pretty much the same for a while, then if some happens to rock her boat, it's like she slips a cog and and gets noticeably worse. She'll go along like that for a while and then when something else happens, she slips again and on and on and on. She used to have good days. Not so much anymore.