My husband, 76, has dementia. I am his caregiver, 74. He has started removing his diaper and wants to go bare, but he is incontinent. Advice?

I had a similar situation with my husband. I tried several things, I picked up shorts with draw strings and put them on backwards and tied them in the back with a double knot. The thing that worked she best was to take duck tape being careful to come as close to the top without touching the skin. My husband was about stage 6 with Alzheimer’s and couldn’t do much for himself, he is now in the nursing home and bedridden. I had to tell him that if he didn’t cooperate I would have to move him to somewhere that could take care of him. After a week in the hospital with a UTI he went to rehab and from there to a nursing home. He is now bedridden and can do nothing for himself. Not sure what stage he is in now. My heart goes out to you, this I not an easy road either at home or in the nursing home. I miss my husband of 50 years. He still knows me and when I tell him that I love him he tells me he loves me too, can’t really understand much of anything else he says. Stay strong and know you are not alone.

If your husband has progressed through a couple stages of Alzheimer's-like symptoms in only a couple months, it is likely that he'll progress through additional stages fairly rapidly, too. Therefore, it would probably be of benefit to start planning now for what is likely to be a need to obtain care for him in a facility quite soon. Unfortunately, there may be no other way to keep both of you safe much longer--he may actually become violent, or you may injure yourself trying to clean up after him. Sorry to be unable to be more encouraging...

If you file for Medicaid, you will be considered the “Community Spouse “ and you will not be left homeless. You won’t live “high off the hog”, but they will leave you with enough to live on.

It sounds like your husband has the potential for violence toward you. No one should have to live in fear like you must be doing. Quite honestly, you cannot force him to wear incontinence briefs. If you have called them “diapers” to his face, he is resisting partly because diapers are for babies. What he is doing is not sanitary and since you’ve already slipped and fallen in a pee puddle, it’s downright dangerous. God forbid, but what would happen to him if you should become incapacitated?

Why do you think a social social worker would force his removal? Are there other things going on you didn't mention? Does his doctor feel he shouldn’t be at home? Maybe the doctor sees his potential for violence and is worried about your safety?

Tomorrow, call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for help and advice.

I would suggest that he wear sweat pants and sweat shirts or polo shirts with the two sewn together with a zipper in the back of the shirt. This would prevent him from taking the diaper off. People also do this when the person would play with their poo when incontinent. I would also see a psychiatrist for medication to help with the combativeness.

It's a very good idea to change the words for his continence briefs. If he still won't co-operate, it might help to tell him that if he continues to soil the house he will have to go into a facility. You can say that you are at risk legally, and that the social worker will take him away whether he likes it or not. I understand that you say the finances don't make that possible, but there is no need to explain that to him. You probably don't like the idea of telling lies, but you have to find a way to change what is going on. It might be a good idea to investigate the 'community spouse' options in Medicaid, firstly so that you can be convincing if he argues, and secondly because it really might come to that.

Maybe the laws are different state to state. Our advisers from PA; lawyer, Area agency on Aging and financial told us they can not take your home as long as the spouse is living there. Area Agency on Aging can help. Also the Facility is a good source. Not the Doctor

Since he's threatened to kill you, perhaps you should get APS involved.

Hi - My mother and I care for my father, who is rapidly declining and becoming incontinent. We are new to the “adult product” situation as well. A person in the home care industry called it that - “the product” - and it seemed so dignified to me.

Because of prostate issues and serious misjudgment about when and where to pee, we’ve been trying to encourage him to go in the Depends if he’s not sure he’ll make it to the toilet. We keep it light, and I’ve gotten in the habit of calling them “astronaut underwear.” However, when we had an incident where he had fallen in the toilet but had defecate. I couldn't get him off the floor, so I calmly said “it’s a diaper. Please use it. I’ll give you some privacy.

Since then, he’s been clear on the what and why. Mostly. We’re worried, too, and it’s disheartening. But trickery seems to be the way.

Buy men’s pull-ups since he’s able to stand, he can wear them.

I took classes for caregivers and learned that as the dementia progresses, the LO will go back to behaviors from their immature childhood. They lose all self control. It is not stubborn but probably what he did as a young child. I wish I had a solution. You need some respite. Good luck.