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He is incontinent of both. And I have had to clean up both.


I have fallen in pee and I have osteoporosis. About 65% of the time he is congenial, sweet and easy to care for. The other 35% he is stubborn, angry, cursing and has threatened to kill me. I can not coerce him into putting a diaper on when he doesn't want to. I can not physically put one on him. Last night he peed on the floor in 3 huge puddles and I found some stool on the bathroom floor. This was after 6 hours of no diaper. I know a social worker could come in and force his removal. My Dr confirmed that. We can not afford for him to be in memory care and me still have a home. Any suggestions from others who have dealt with stubborness or one who doesn't want to wear his diaper?

I had a similar situation with my husband. I tried several things, I picked up shorts with draw strings and put them on backwards and tied them in the back with a double knot. The thing that worked she best was to take duck tape being careful to come as close to the top without touching the skin. My husband was about stage 6 with Alzheimer’s and couldn’t do much for himself, he is now in the nursing home and bedridden. I had to tell him that if he didn’t cooperate I would have to move him to somewhere that could take care of him. After a week in the hospital with a UTI he went to rehab and from there to a nursing home. He is now bedridden and can do nothing for himself. Not sure what stage he is in now. My heart goes out to you, this I not an easy road either at home or in the nursing home. I miss my husband of 50 years. He still knows me and when I tell him that I love him he tells me he loves me too, can’t really understand much of anything else he says. Stay strong and know you are not alone.
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Reply to Heartsick2
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shad250 May 1, 2019
Poor man stuck in a NH
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If your husband has progressed through a couple stages of Alzheimer's-like symptoms in only a couple months, it is likely that he'll progress through additional stages fairly rapidly, too. Therefore, it would probably be of benefit to start planning now for what is likely to be a need to obtain care for him in a facility quite soon. Unfortunately, there may be no other way to keep both of you safe much longer--he may actually become violent, or you may injure yourself trying to clean up after him. Sorry to be unable to be more encouraging...
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Reply to jacobsonbob
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If you file for Medicaid, you will be considered the “Community Spouse “ and you will not be left homeless. You won’t live “high off the hog”, but they will leave you with enough to live on.

It sounds like your husband has the potential for violence toward you. No one should have to live in fear like you must be doing. Quite honestly, you cannot force him to wear incontinence briefs. If you have called them “diapers” to his face, he is resisting partly because diapers are for babies. What he is doing is not sanitary and since you’ve already slipped and fallen in a pee puddle, it’s downright dangerous. God forbid, but what would happen to him if you should become incapacitated?

Why do you think a social social worker would force his removal? Are there other things going on you didn't mention? Does his doctor feel he shouldn’t be at home? Maybe the doctor sees his potential for violence and is worried about your safety?

Tomorrow, call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for help and advice.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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I would suggest that he wear sweat pants and sweat shirts or polo shirts with the two sewn together with a zipper in the back of the shirt. This would prevent him from taking the diaper off. People also do this when the person would play with their poo when incontinent. I would also see a psychiatrist for medication to help with the combativeness.
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Reply to robin4gsltw
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It's a very good idea to change the words for his continence briefs. If he still won't co-operate, it might help to tell him that if he continues to soil the house he will have to go into a facility. You can say that you are at risk legally, and that the social worker will take him away whether he likes it or not. I understand that you say the finances don't make that possible, but there is no need to explain that to him. You probably don't like the idea of telling lies, but you have to find a way to change what is going on. It might be a good idea to investigate the 'community spouse' options in Medicaid, firstly so that you can be convincing if he argues, and secondly because it really might come to that.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Maybe the laws are different state to state. Our advisers from PA; lawyer, Area agency on Aging and financial told us they can not take your home as long as the spouse is living there. Area Agency on Aging can help. Also the Facility is a good source. Not the Doctor
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Psalms23 May 1, 2019
That's true- won't take your house while you are living. Makes you more eligible for husband to receive Medicaid... My grandmother was in this situation. My grandfather needed nursing home care and she still needed a place to live. Medicaid covered his care in nursing home.
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I think a social worker might want his removal because there are times that things are unsanitary. There is no way to avoid that sometimes. My sister in law was seen with stool on her leg and immediately was moved to a nursing home. I don't want that. I love my husband and want to take care of him just as long as I can. I am not afraid of him. He is so fragile it is a question of who could push who over first. I have a friend who is a social worker and she said that is always the possibility if the house smells and was seen with a diaper on the floor or a puddle or worse. He has been wearing diapers for over a year and this is a recent occurence that he wants to take it off. Although he is brain damaged from meningitis instead of having alzheimers by the alzheimers scare of 7 stages he is in #6 and has moved very quickly through the past couple of stages. I mean in the past 6 months. We live in a house 3 miles from our daughter and I would like to stay here as long as possible. I just want to get that diaper back on him. I will try to think of something else to call it. And yes I did get some plastic
pants to go over the diaper and I call them panties so maybe that is what started this. Thank you for the idea. I will try to think of another word for these things.
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Reply to sondraO
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Tothill Apr 28, 2019
Sondra,

Just call them briefs, or knickers. If you buy the pull up ones he may be more willing to wear them.

Please be careful of your own wellbeing. Yes, you want to stay in your home as long as possible, but that may be longer for you than it is for your dh.
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Hi - My mother and I care for my father, who is rapidly declining and becoming incontinent. We are new to the “adult product” situation as well. A person in the home care industry called it that - “the product” - and it seemed so dignified to me.

Because of prostate issues and serious misjudgment about when and where to pee, we’ve been trying to encourage him to go in the Depends if he’s not sure he’ll make it to the toilet. We keep it light, and I’ve gotten in the habit of calling them “astronaut underwear.” However, when we had an incident where he had fallen in the toilet but had defecate. I couldn't get him off the floor, so I calmly said “it’s a diaper. Please use it. I’ll give you some privacy.

Since then, he’s been clear on the what and why. Mostly. We’re worried, too, and it’s disheartening. But trickery seems to be the way.
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Reply to Slekker
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I get the impression that you do not want your husband to go into any care facility because he is your husband no matter his problems and at the current level of problems you feel you are happy to cope in general. So accepting that and the fact the main problem is the incontinence then the question arises, does he want to wear nothing or does he just not want to wear the incontinence diapers. I don't know what you have available in the US but in the UK we have an option of using proper washable underwear with built in incontinence dealing with layers. For double incontinence one can always put a sheet of paper roll inside so that faeces can be flushed before washing, just for urine incontinence one simple washes them. There is really no difference to look at between normal underwear and these. I am sure you would be able to find under washable incontinence wear online and he may be more inclined to use these rather than the "ugly" disposables with their reminder of loss of control.
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Reply to TaylorUK
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Try using adult pull-ups. They come in different colors and he may think they are regular underwear. You can also try jumpsuits which has a zipper on the back.
www.buckandbuck.com. This site sells all kinds of adult adaptive clothing. I don't believe there is any magic pill to correct disrobing behaviors.
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