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We separated a year ago because of his aggressive behavior. I live in USA and he lives in my family home back in UK (long story). I have to travel every 5-6 weeks to check on him and make food. He refuses any care. The house is full of alcohol and he has stopped washing and changing clothes. His nutrition is terrible. In USA I was his legal guardian but once he got back to UK and refused to return I have no options to manage money or health. I have tried to make conditions as safe as possible for him but in the UK I have a (springing?) POA that requires medical assessment that he cannot make decisions. But he refuses to go to the doctor. Social services will not get involved because they say I need his permission. On a tcon with his doctor he said that my husband seems to look clean and fed (no kidding - when I visit that is my goal). He’s bigger and stronger than me and already has attacked me a couple of times.. The Uk police said that if he does this again they can force him into hospital for a psychiatric assessment. Social services in the UK said that because of his violence record that few memory loss facilities would be willing to take him. I can’t get any help from anyone so I’m now looking to move back to Uk to take care of him. But it’s frightening. His behavior is so unpredictable. What I do? I spoke to an attorney who tells me just to divorce him and let him decline to the point that he destroys his own life. His family and friends have withdrawn because he is so nasty and unsociable. Do I have to wait till he attacks me again in order to get help?

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When you say "get help" and that you "need help managing his illness"...

What sort of help have you in mind?
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You're caught in a terrible dilemma but one that you need to completely extricate yourself from, however painful the process is and will continue to be. You got out because of the abuse and need to salvage your sanity by further distancing yourself from his alcoholic abuse. He'll never change as long as you or anyone enables his alcoholism and advancing dementia; he's not the man you once married and that's among the realities that you need to steel yourself to fully embrace.

Stop this back and forth across the pond to rescue him in his downward spiral. Do not move there to rescue him and do not place yourself in harm's way ever again. You need to legally and emotionally divorce yourself from his situation and do whatever it takes to protect your interests and assets, including the home that in his dementia and drunkenness, .he's destroying, along with his own sad life. Stop rescuing him and save yourself.

You are legally separated but still have some say as his legal spouse, that should allow you some control over the shared asset of the UK home. His self-destruction is his own choice and you can do naught to save him from himself, you can only work toward getting him into care and begin to heal your own self from this tragic end to a marriage and a life together. You have to protect yourself and your assets.

If you own the home, you can proceed with the divorce and force the home's sale as part of the asset allocation in the divorce, this may force his being admitted to the hospital. I assume that you both have dual citizenship? You need to consult with a UK attorney to get help in untangling this mess. No one in this or any forum, except maybe one for ex-pats, can guide you in the complexities of UK vs US marital, divorce and property laws; you need a UK lawyer. The UK legal system is so very different from US laws that it hard for anyone not familiar to be of any help.

From my knowledge with ppl who are Brits or have moved there, the NHS is quite dismissive of complex home situations and it's doubtful that, shy of his being in-hospital, you'll get any real help from any Dr.; one has already blown off the dreadful situation with a flippant observation that is off the mark and helps no one. Perhaps calling in the police or social services when you know that he's a total mess will garner some gov support.

Surely there are services that you can call on to properly assess his actual safety and welfare, you may have to research this for the region or city that your soon to be ex husband is living. Ultimately, a lawyer is your greatest aid in this complex situation.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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This is so challenging. BUT what I would do is let him stay there and you stay here. He's out of control. It is NOT safe for you to go there. If you want to divorce him, get it going ASAP.
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You should never knowingly put yourself in a position to be attacked by anyone. You don't "have" to take care of this train wreck of a husband. You have no obligation to this man and need to stop being his wife/slave/enabler. Under no circumstances should you move back there! Your attorney is right, and you deserve the peace you can have in the US. Cut the ties, get it over with, and find new interests where you live. In that way, you can have a truly happy new year.
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Do you talk to him on the phone when he's drunk? If you can call the police when he's falling down drunk, then they might get him to the hospital. That would trigger the evaluation you need for the POA to go into effect, and you can get him into a psychiatric facility. Once he's dried out and medicated (and calmer), perhaps a memory care will take him then.

I'd still stay clear of him, however, and evict him from the house while you're at it.
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Just stop this nonsense of going back and forth to try and help him. All you're doing is enabling him to continue on with his destructive behavior.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Do you not see how "insane" what you're doing is?
He will never change while he has you to pick up the broken pieces every time you go visit. So STOP!!! Listen to your lawyer and get a divorce and get on with your life.
Your husband has made his bed and now he will have to lie in it. He has to want to help himself and until he does, nothing you will say or do is going to make a difference. So please don't put yourself in harms way. You deserve so much better than that.
And please start going to Al-Anon meetings. They are everywhere and at different times of the day. They will help you better understand the horrible disease of alcoholism and the role you're playing in it.

*On a side note, I know of what I speak. My first husband(who I divorced)was an alcoholic as was my son. Thankfully both are now recovering alcoholics. And my son only got help AFTER I stopped enabling him, which I didn't at the time realize I was doing until the good folks at Al-Anon pointed it out to me.
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You are not his retirement or care plan. You are not responsible for his happiness. You cannot have his recovery for him. If you insist on doing this, you'll exhaust yourself. Then, who will take care of you? You need to take care of you, right now, today, and with no guilt or regrets.
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(((((((SadSue))))))). I am going to differ with your statement. You need help in managing yourself, not your husband's illness.

Scampie below quoted Alanon "You didn't cause it, can't control or cure it". I'm going to add some more wisdom to that. "You need to care for yourself first."

Under no circumstances put yourself in any danger from your husband. Never. Not at all. That means keeping at a distance from him.

The point has been made that enabling him is doing him no good service. He needs to experience the consequences of his illness in order to make any changes. So let him not look clean and well fed to his doctor. Then maybe the dr will take some action.

Speaking of the doctor in one paragraph you say he won't go to his doctor and in the next paragraph you say the doctor says he looks clean and well fed. That's confusing.

No, you don't put yourself in the position that he can attack you in order to get help for him. You look after your self and your understandable anxiety and stress over him. That's not doing you any good. Regarding him, let the chips fall where they may. Eventually a different crisis (not you being attacked) will happen and he will get attention. You have my sympathies. This is a very difficult situation.
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You shouldnt have to wait for him to attack you again to get him help. What if his next attack renders you with serious injuries or death? Follow your attorneys advice and divorce him. You cant save him at this point so you need to save yourself.
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Dementia has forced the end of the living together years of your marriage. I am very sorry.

Living OK at home.
Not OK.
Adjusting to life in a NH.

What an awful stage 'not OK' is. Do what you can but within reason but keeping yourself SAFE as a priority.

This may include stepping back from his care & just advocating instead. Eg reporting him to Social Services (as you have), his local Doctor, local Police, tipping off his neighbours too.

Dr knows the sequence: Welfare check, escalate to a forced psych inpatient stay, assessment, possible guardianship & POA 'sprung' then into a care setting. From there, only if stable, could you arrange medical transport back to the US.

I personally wouldn't divorce my husband because of a dementia diagnosis BUT I don't know the law where you are. It may be needed or beneficial. Get a 2nd opinion? However, if he was a violent man before the dx, I would take this opportunity to physically & legally separate.

It is very hard awaiting the crises. But it will help him to move to the next stage.
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Hi SadSue,

Have you tried Al-Anon? There was a saying years ago that an alcoholic will have to hit bottom before he/she gives up drinking. If someone continues to drink it will result in insanity or death. Sometimes, it ends with both. I'm sorry to say this. I've been around Al-Anon for over forty+ years.

In this case, your husband has chosen to move to the UK. You going there every six weeks is not going to fix his problem. How long can you keep this up? We practice the three C's in Al-Anon regarding alcoholism. You didn't cause it, can't control or cure it.

I don't know what your husband was like or if he was always a drinker even before his diagnosis of dementia. If this is the case, the alcoholism probably caused the onset of dementia due to the lack of vitamin B 12 especially if he has been drinking for years. Read up on Wiernicke's dementia. However, please keep in mind that there is a type of dementia caused by alcoholism or drug abuse. It's called Wiernicke's Korsakoff Dementia.

I've heard of this happening to people who have drank alcohol for years, but it was called something else years ago. I think what you need to figure out is if this dementia is being caused organically by another disease such as Alzheimer's or if this dementia is being fueled by the alcohol. Sometimes, a person can have more than one type of dementia happening all at once depending upon what part of the brain is being affected.

I can understand not wanting to detach from your husband because you love this man. However, the more you educate yourself about his mental health, the better you will understand his dilemma and make rational choices about how you would want to handle this situation. However, take care of yourself. There are Al-Anon meetings online and phone meetings all over the world. I have included the Al-Anon website below. Feel free to send me a message if you want to chat. I will be more than happy to chat with you.

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/
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Scampie1 Dec 2022
I couldn't go back and edit my post; so, I'm adding an addition. So, he is staying in your family home? This man will not hit bottom until you stop supplying his every need. You are providing a home and free meals. Most alcoholics will stop drinking once people stop enabling them. You doing everything for him, he has no reason to quit. Is he at least paying the utilities to stay in the house? And please, whatever you do, do not place yourself in an unsafe situation to go take care of a violent man. Take your attorney's advice.
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I pinged one of our UK members to see if she has any resources.

If he was declared incompetent by a court in the US, does that not hold any weight in the UK?
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MJ1929 Dec 2022
He doesn't live in the US. This country has no jurisdiction over him.
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Few isn't zero. You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for you. He attacks you, don't put yourself in that position. You wouldn't put anyone else in that position, don't do it to yourself. You deserve to be safe. You do not deserve to be attacked.
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Why on earth would you fly that far every 5-6 weeks to make food for him?! If he insists on staying in the UK, then he needs to find someone who can make food for him. He has left you. Really, you’re separated at this point. You can’t help him, can’t reason with him, and he is not going to get better even if he quits drinking.

Call local police and put him on their radar. They can do welfare checks and maybe let him know where and how to get food and such. Call up charities and food banks near him, Stop using your money to baby him.

Sorry, but there is no way you can get him to move back or even love you back. No matter how many times you see him.

AND DO NOT THROW AWAY YOUR LIFE IN THE US AND MOVE BACK. He was able to get himself to UK; he knew what he was doing. He has left you. Sad he is wasting his life away, but please don’t let him waste yours too. You deserve better.
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