My husband has decided his best friend of 40 years is a no good, lying, cheating b*st*rd. Do I continue to let the friend come visit?

Imho, while it is entirely possible that there are untruths told about Bill by Gary, Gary cannot help it as he has a broken brain. YOU could advise Bill of the fact that your DH is ill.

If this friend upsets your dad, for whatever reasons, I would not have him visit. Perhaps start with phone or a Zoom meeting and see how that goes.

You want to insure that your dad is not unnecessarily negatively emotionally impacted.

Likely, the friend will not know how to interact / communicate with the 'dementia talking,' i.e., if dad says you took my tools . . . friend will likely say "No, I didn't." This is NOT the way to communicate as it sets up an argument based on dementia thinking / brain chemistry 'talking.' And, setting this scenario up will upset your Dad.

It is somewhat common for dementia inflicted people to think those close to them are stealing - or doing something inappropriate. What you want to avoid is trying to convince your dad that he is 'wrong' - this doesn't help because the brain (chemistry has changed) is what is talking.

I'D TRY THIS: You might introduce your Dad to Bill, as someone else - and see how that goes. I don't know if your dad has the wherewithal to know who Bill is. You will need to determine this and how best to approach. Gena

You could try to be a mediator but also maybe your dad is embarrassed he can’t control his mind more & more. He may not want to be seen like that.

In a case like this, it seems dementia has set in and it will get worse - it can't be fixed. Personally I would ask the friend if he is aware of the dementia and why he acts so horribly and ask how he feels about visiting or not visiting - how is it affecting him when the behavior is so bad. If it bothers him, then I suggest not coming. Why would someone put themselves in the situation where someone's behavior ( and I don't care why) would be so horrible and upsetting. I personally would immediately STOP visiting as I could not emotionally take that from anyone, dementia or not. Let your friend decide. Your patient won't know the difference.

Are your absolutely sure that this is all falsehood? (I'm assuming it is, but of course anything is possible.) Has Gary said anything specific as to what he believes Bill has stolen? If so, that item (or items) could be presented in at least some attempt to counter, although he probably won't remember it. He may even claim that you are "in cahoots" with Bill to cover up this supposed theft, especially if he says "yes, but what about [a dozen other items, some of which perhaps he never even owned]? This would be just one step short of accusing Bill of "stealing his wife" as igloo572 mentioned).

I would call Bill and give him the “heads up.” He knows your husband’s mental state. It would then be up to Bill to visit or not visit. However, if the visits are upsetting to your husband, I would ask Bill to not visit at this time.

I don't understand why Bill would wish to continue to visit Gary if Gary gets upset. I think "my2cents" hit all the right buttons...if visits upset the visitee, why would the visitor wish to continue visiting? Who is the visit supposed to benefit?

Continue to allow Bill to visit and let him know what your husband's thoughts are.

Has your husband told you not to let him visit?

You could just tell your husband that his friend brought back the tools and you forgot to tell him.

If Bill understands Gary's outbursts and can tolerate them, he can choose whether or not to keep visiting. Do Bill's visits upset Gary at the time or are Gary's criticisms just ranting? Dementia erodes one's social filters, so Bill's visits give Gary an opportunity to express whatever is going through his mind
It certainly must be hard for Bill to watch his friend deteriorate, but if he has the heart to keep visiting in spite Gary it should be his choice. Disregarding Gary's negativity can be a gift Bill can give to his friend.

It's a typical phase of dementia - and it will eventually pass. I clearly remember taking my father to a family reunion when he was still cognizant. He pointed across the room to his brother and said loudly, "Who is that bastard over there?" When I said, "It's your brother" - my father burst out laughing.

Meanwhile, you probably need to have a chat with Bill and explain that your father is in an angry, agitated phase of dementia right now - and that explains the behavior. Bill may choose to stay away until this phase passes.

This is typical with dementia...so, you should tell Bill straight-up what's going on and let Bill decide. If it's too painful for Bill (or your husband) after a single visit, then forego future visits. People who are close usually are the ones who take the brunt of complaints and accusations; Bill should know this so he's ready to hear it from your husband when/if it happens. My mother was this way: I was stealing her money; the neighbor/friend of 40 years was stealing her furniture; her brother was no good -- the list goes on and on. It became humorous after a while.

But I do think that Bill should decide because your husband probably won't remember much two days (two hours?) after the visit. Dementia is a nutso disease ... keeping a sense of humor in light of the horrendous things that can be imagined and said by those with the disease is paramount.

No. But I would go face to face and tell him what his friend of many years says behind his bZck. Explain that this is a side effect off his illness. Explain that if his best friend lashes out , it is still hard to hear and feelings will get hurt and more than likely this is not a phase but may get worse. After explaining let him choose to come or not. If he decides to continue visiting it might be a good idea to restrict the length of visit.

I would suggest a confidential phone call to this very good friend of 40 years. Explain that your husband's dementia has progressed to the point that he is anxious, agitated, and accusatory. Explain that he has some issues with their relationship that are not based on truth but are part of his broken brain coming to inaccurate conclusions. Ask him to consider writing letters but not to come in person until you can get your husband's anxiety and agitation under control.

Please talk to your husband's doctor about these outbursts. Your husband may benefit from anti-anxiety medication. Your husband will also benefit from redirecting conversations that stray into accusatory language and agitation.

If Gary doesn't want to see or talk to Bill, then Bill is not welcome (to Gary, that is) and you don't invite him.

You and Bill are free to discuss Gary's anxieties and agree possible approaches to relieving them, of course, and you can continue to suggest that Gary might like to call his friend whenever it seems the right time.

I would tell Bill that Gary has entered a new phase of the disease - accusing people of things. Emphasize what a dear friend he has been, but if he can't handle being accused of doing things you will understand if he decides to quit coming for now. Tell him you have to deal with the same issues and you completely understand. It may pass because he forgets that he is mad at Bill or he quits associating Bill to the 'damages'.

It's very possible Gary will mention that Bill hasn't been around recently and you can advise Bill that you'll let him know when there happens to be a good day. It's also possible that Bill is one of those people who can defer him to another conversation, wearing rhino hide, to get Gary on to another subject. It is very difficult to do, but some folks are really good at it.

If it upsets him while Bill is visiting, I would have a good honest chat with Bill to let him know he may need to take a break from visiting. Explain the situation. Delusions, false memories, whatever, they do happen. Welcome his calls to you to check in and ask about the situation. At some point Gary may forget this and Bill can resume visiting.

At the very least, Bill deserves to be told what's going on. There's no point in Gary getting riled up or agitated while this is in his head.

Yes, speak honestly with Bill about your husband's serious limitations now, and hope he will stay on standby. This will likely pass. Just remind him "Would you like to see Bill? If you would, do let me know".

It is no doubt a phase, so perhaps his friend who must be very understanding to have continued his visits will agree to stay away for a few months until it has passed. There will be a bit of trial and error as to when he can come back-I think it is wonderful that he is so supportive of your husband and I am sure he will understand how phases come and go. You are not trying to stop his visits just to manage your husband's response in the phase that he is currently in.

Is Bill ok with your husbands false beliefs and rage against him?

if he is, and he wants to continue his visits, let him.

I will say, what is likely to come up next from Gary is that you & Bill are having an affair. So expect that and role play in advance how you will deflect & deal with that conversation. Yeah it goes from he’s stealing my tools to he’s stealing my wife. Dementia is such an awful disease.

Does Gary seem to enjoy the visits while they are going on? Do you enjoy the visits? Is Gary okay after Bill leaves? Does he even remember that Bill was there?
If all is well during the actual visit and the visits don’t upset Gary, I would let the visits continue.
I would warn Bill that the dementia is worse, he is welcome but be prepared to leave if Gary gets upset.
My DH aunt, 94 with dementia, will speak
despairingly of someone if their name is mentioned. However if that same person appears you would think it was the greatest gift just to see them.
So, I would take guidance from how he behaves face to face with Bill.
And how it affects you.
It sounds like Bill has been a good friend. It really depends on how much the dementia has progressed.

If Gary is uncomfortable, support him.

This is a scary confusing time. Even if you don’t agree with his reasoning, stand by his decision.

There may be a deeper reason that he can’t explain.