He gets sad any time I even mention going visit. I feel he needs to go talk to someone to learn how to deal with feelings but he feels it would not help. I don’t know how to help.
You might be able to help by learning all you can about Alzheimer's and tell him what you've found out. He might be afraid of the unknown. Leave articles around for him to find and read for himself. Perhaps go visit his mom yourself and report what you've witnessed. Some people just cannot cope with the changes in their parents. My brother won't visit our mother. Only one of my sons visits. If there is a particular chore that needs done at her house, that might be a good excuse to get him there. Some people need practical reasons to do things. Just suggestions. It's wonderful that you want to help him adjust. Good luck.
It sounds as if you’re expecting her to start taking care of MIL as a natural progression with your instructions? The man needs to wake up and take action himself. She shouldn’t be expected to do all this work on her own, while husband gets to hide and play like Prissy, in “Gone with the Wind”. I always wonder how/why women end up taking care of a mother-in-law for years. Now I know.
My brothers didn't deal well with my Moms Dementia. Her last year, she declined so much. Looking so frail. One brother lives 7 hrs away. Came for a long weekend. Saw Mom 1x. Just couldn't go to see her 2x.
I was in my twenties when my dad developed alcoholic Alzheimer’s from binge drinking. He usually didn’t recognize me when I visited him in court-ordered Long Term Care and he was often angry if he had no cigarettes. Smoking calmed him down and he enjoyed sitting in the smoking room. To see your parent like that is unbearable but I used to listen to music before I went to visit and do some deep breathing. Sometimes if I sat long enough beside him while he smoked, he would begin to remember stories from his childhood and I learned a lot about our family. When the negative behaviour was exhibited, it left me with jumbled feelings and even pain in the pit of my stomach but then I would visualize him when he was at his best and this really helped. My dad lived over 25 years like this but I never really got over it, just learned to live with reality and accept that the dementia was an illness.
Men are different. I know, because I am one.Honestly,the best help you can give him is space. Men get a bad rep. because we "don't want to deal with feelings". It's really not like that at all. We come in a lot of different verities, but one thing we all have in common is armor. You can't hug and squeeze your way in. He is processing his feelings. The better his relationship was with his mom, the harder this will be for him. I know you want to get inside his head and be a good wife. That is, after all, what a good wife does. :) Just be there for him like a safety net. He'll come to grips in someway. He's losing his mom one piece at a time and that can be worse than her passing. My grandmother used to say that every boy is more his mother than his father. The lucky ones are anyway. My advice is to stand beside him. He'll let you in when he's ready.
He is grieving the loss of the mother he knows and loves. He should talk with a counsellor, a pastor, or a group dealing with loss.
My husband is also reluctant to call his mother; we live in Florida and she lives in Hawaii. She has dementia as well. He says that the conversations are so vague and do not change. I remind him that you don't call to get new information, but to remind her that you love her. I also send her monthly letters and try to send pictures and occasional "fun" things now that she is essentially a shut-in with COVID-19.
Very well put--sometimes just hearing the other person's voice is a treasured gift. I recall an advertisement along these lines (I believe from the phone company in Spain, back in 1988) that went "the best gift is the sound of your voice".
I get where he is coming from. My moms new diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia and the huge swings from mildly confused to severely confused is so difficult to witness. It depresses me each time she is severely confused and does not know me..She was admitted to a memory care unit 3 weeks ago. I dread calling her. When she is agitated and barely knows me it is so distressing. The days I call and she is mildly confused are easier. I have hired a Mental health counselor to help me talk this out and it is getting better to tolerate. I try to cling to the days when we can really “connect” and I am learning to find some humor in the confused crazy stories mom tells me. I think counseling would benefit him but as a retired Geriatric clinical healthcare person I wonder if his mom does not know him why can’t he just not visit as often..I believe the visiting in some circumstances is for the family member, to make us feel like good children, not for the parent who does not know us....How does it actually hurt her if she does not know him? Maybe we are judging too harshly? Let the family members who tolerate this well to monitor staff and her care..My brother really is affected badly by this so I chose to be the one who watches over her care..He visits and calls when he feels strong enough to tolerate it.
You mentioned him going to talk to someone about it to help him talk through it but he said no. What if you made an appointment for the two of you to go together. Tell him you need to talk to someone and need him by your side. Then hopefully the therapist will be able to get him to open up too. It would be important for you to allow it, not correct him and to not talk for him.
If her diagnosis is fairly recent, he should spend time with her while she still knows who he is. It is sad, but right now moments of lucidity are precious, and he can't let his depression waste them. Get him to join this forum too. It helps us.
there are other things that get people down such as CoVID-19, bills, possible unemployment, and this yet another stress. Alzheimer's only gets worse until they die. My mom had it for 15 years, and it destroyed her life and mine. She died 6 months ago and I have not recovered and probably never will. What can you do? Just go on living. Or crack up. I slowly watched my mother die as she declined and it took years and years. The last years of her life she even depended on me for her bowel movements. Feeding tubes...and if she did not poop in 3 days she would get so severely impacted. Try living with that for years, and see what it does to you.
Slowly dying of a chronic disease like Alzheimer's never prepares you. Yes I lost her years ago even before she died but she had her rare moments she came back for a short time. Very rare moments. When mom died I miss her so bad I would gladly give my soul to the devil to have her back. But that would not be fair to her even if it were possible.
People die. Always have, always will. One day I will die. As odd as that sounds it is strange comfort and suddenly you have this sense of peace..I did all I could for her. Nobody on earth would have done better. Mom died in absolute peace and without drugs. Perhaps all this bitterness and sadness is replaced with this peace--her death was a natural thing. She was 90. I was blessed to have her that long. Very blessed.
I can't say mom's years were bad. Mom did not suffer and she was very comfortable. She felt loved and secure in her home and routines.
cetude, you've obviously done a wonderful job caring for your mother whom you loved so much, and you've described it wonderfully but realistically here, too!
Check out the Alzheimer's Association (alz.org). They have moved many of their educational and group support resources online. I think it might be helpful if you could find a support group for people who have loved ones with Alzheimer's. He could just listen if he wasn't the kind of guy who would participate in group counseling.
It is apparently a very common reaction. But I agree with you that he might feel better in the long run if he shared his feelings- especially with people who really know what he's going through.
Sometimes even just hearing someone else say "I don't want to visit him" just makes any guilt or shame about feeling that way easier to deal with.
I always wonder how/why women end up taking care of a mother-in-law for years. Now I know.
He'll come to grips in someway. He's losing his mom one piece at a time and that can be worse than her passing. My grandmother used to say that every boy is more his mother than his father. The lucky ones are anyway.
My advice is to stand beside him. He'll let you in when he's ready.
My husband is also reluctant to call his mother; we live in Florida and she lives in Hawaii. She has dementia as well. He says that the conversations are so vague and do not change. I remind him that you don't call to get new information, but to remind her that you love her. I also send her monthly letters and try to send pictures and occasional "fun" things now that she is essentially a shut-in with COVID-19.
Slowly dying of a chronic disease like Alzheimer's never prepares you. Yes I lost her years ago even before she died but she had her rare moments she came back for a short time. Very rare moments. When mom died I miss her so bad I would gladly give my soul to the devil to have her back. But that would not be fair to her even if it were possible.
People die. Always have, always will. One day I will die. As odd as that sounds it is strange comfort and suddenly you have this sense of peace..I did all I could for her. Nobody on earth would have done better. Mom died in absolute peace and without drugs. Perhaps all this bitterness and sadness is replaced with this peace--her death was a natural thing. She was 90. I was blessed to have her that long. Very blessed.
I can't say mom's years were bad. Mom did not suffer and she was very comfortable. She felt loved and secure in her home and routines.
It is apparently a very common reaction. But I agree with you that he might feel better in the long run if he shared his feelings- especially with people who really know what he's going through.
Sometimes even just hearing someone else say "I don't want to visit him" just makes any guilt or shame about feeling that way easier to deal with.