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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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When you go to work in a homecare agency part of your employment contract is that the worker acknowledges that there may be inappropriate types of behavior coming from dementia clients. The worker acknowledges and agrees that they cannot bring about lawsuits over such behavior. If the homecare agency is reputable, the aide would have watched an educational video as part of her orientation workshop before starting the job.
This must be painful to watch, especially considering the history in your marriage. Nothing about what he’s doing is unusual in Alzheimer’s, but that doesn’t take away it being hard to witness. At the least I would expect the aide to maintain professional boundaries, speaking to her employer if needed. But really in your shoes, I’d move my husband to a facility for full time professional care and distance myself from the hurt. Doesn’t mean you don’t still care, but sometimes it’s wise to first protect yourself. I wish you peace
If the aide is not respecting boundaries in ANY WAY then you replace her. If she is from an agency you can simply say that you would like someone else. You do not have to give a reason, I would say though if you do know that she is acting inappropriately then you need to say something to the supervisor. If you would feel more comfortable you could ask if there are any male caregivers.
Do you have a specific question for us? Or are you just wishing to have our thoughts or comments?
In all honesty, the earlier years of your marriage, when your husband was cheating on you, he was in control of his actions. Now he is not.
While at times, in requesting an aid of a certain sex, you may be told by agencies that they cannot discriminate on the basis of sex; but if you discuss hubby's history, his actions now and their relevance to your past, and your own distress, they may supply you with a male aid. In all truth, you may find he STILL prefers the aid.
You might consider at this time--since this seems not to have been a satisfying marriage, and for all intent and purpose your husband is no longer even the person you married--that placement is a good idea. Home care, at BEST isn't sustainable at a certain point for many reasons outside of your history together.
Wishing you well. Make a life for yourself that isn't all about him; there's not much of him left at this point.
Put your husband in memory care. Let yourself have some good years where you don't have to be his caregiver or watch him coming on to the homecare workers. Have a talk with the homecare aide. Tell her that you expect professional conduct from her while on the job and that the client (in this case your husband) is a JOB to her. He is not family, or a friend, and certainly is not a lover. Put her in her place then call the agency she works for and have her replaced with a male aide.
I have a homecare agency and often get calls from old lady wives requesting male aide for exactly the same reason as you. Their husbands inappropriate dementia behavior. If you're using a large homecare agency, they will likely have some male aides looking for work.
This is dementia behavior and old men usually act this way towards female aides. I know this behavior is making her uncomfortable, but aides understand this and do their jobs if they are allowed to. If hubby gets too friendly, aides are trained to stop whatever they are doing and detach from the client momentarily and then resume duties once he calms down. She could speak with him calmly letting him know that his behavior is inappropriate, and that she is there to help him with whatever task is being performed at the time.
Switching to a male aide may work, unless there is a shortage of aides at the company.
Aides are professionals. Wives usually get insecure because of husband's past behavior such as in your case. Trust and believe, the aide has no interest in your husband. Inappropriate behavior is reported to the agency by the aide.
Is this one sided? If not, then you need to talk to the aide. If it continues and she iscan agency aide, you talk to her boss. But if him, then the ALZ is at fault. He now has no filter. If he touches the aide in anyway, she has to make him aware she does not like it. Even if he says inappropriate things to her. My daughter has put many a male resident in their place.
If I was in your place and had the money, I would place your husband. See an Elder Lawyer about splitting assets. His split will go to his care in a facility. When almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. Once on Medicaid, you get enough of your monthly income to live on, the house and a car.
This sounds like the continuation of a one sided marriage where you do all the giving and he does all the taking. At this point, after 5 years of caregiving and a marriage of infidelity on his part, what is in this for YOU? You stayed with him all these years for some reason, but now that his mind is shot, why not either place him or divorce him? This disrespectful behavior needs to stop now. There's no way any woman is responding to his interest.....its his DISRESPECT of you I'd think you've had enough of by now.
You don't ask a question, so... what do you want to see happen?
What would you consider a solution, since old relational wounds are still present for you? With ALZ he now can't really work on marital issues, and misdirected & inappropriate/unwanted attraction/affection toward female aids is a common feature in men with ALZ.
You can replace the aid with a male aid.
You can place him in Memory Care and get your life back and move on.
I'm not sure there's a third option but now you're the only one who can change. It's up to you.
No wonder you're uncomfortable. Unfortunately, some senior men can give the CNAs unwanted attention. They mistake someone doing their job for flirting or attraction. I was in my 50s and still had to put some men in their place, often more than once, and I was in no way flirty or anything but professional. Some aides will take advantage of the attention they receive...I knew some who would take money, gifts, from senior men. This is unethical but it happens. If there is anything that makes you uncomfortable, perhaps a male aide might be a good idea so that your husband can have a buddy and you won't have to worry about anyone's behavior.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you would feel more comfortable you could ask if there are any male caregivers.
In all honesty, the earlier years of your marriage, when your husband was cheating on you, he was in control of his actions.
Now he is not.
While at times, in requesting an aid of a certain sex, you may be told by agencies that they cannot discriminate on the basis of sex; but if you discuss hubby's history, his actions now and their relevance to your past, and your own distress, they may supply you with a male aid.
In all truth, you may find he STILL prefers the aid.
You might consider at this time--since this seems not to have been a satisfying marriage, and for all intent and purpose your husband is no longer even the person you married--that placement is a good idea. Home care, at BEST isn't sustainable at a certain point for many reasons outside of your history together.
Wishing you well. Make a life for yourself that isn't all about him; there's not much of him left at this point.
I have a homecare agency and often get calls from old lady wives requesting male aide for exactly the same reason as you. Their husbands inappropriate dementia behavior. If you're using a large homecare agency, they will likely have some male aides looking for work.
Switching to a male aide may work, unless there is a shortage of aides at the company.
Aides are professionals. Wives usually get insecure because of husband's past behavior such as in your case. Trust and believe, the aide has no interest in your husband. Inappropriate behavior is reported to the agency by the aide.
If I was in your place and had the money, I would place your husband. See an Elder Lawyer about splitting assets. His split will go to his care in a facility. When almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. Once on Medicaid, you get enough of your monthly income to live on, the house and a car.
Take care of YOURSELF now, ok?
What would you consider a solution, since old relational wounds are still present for you? With ALZ he now can't really work on marital issues, and misdirected & inappropriate/unwanted attraction/affection toward female aids is a common feature in men with ALZ.
You can replace the aid with a male aid.
You can place him in Memory Care and get your life back and move on.
I'm not sure there's a third option but now you're the only one who can change. It's up to you.