My husband has a passive/aggressive relationship with his mom? How do I deal with that?

Of course it's normal. The life you had with your husband has been upended. He has other interests now (keepmomhappy keepmomhappy guiltovernotkeepingmomhappy keepmomhappy wifeisnthappy). That's his thought process.

Mom will probably never be happy. Her cognitive issues will get worse. This often includes blaming, shaming, and thinking others are stealing from them. No matter what he does, it will never be enough

I suggest you read other posts on this forum about wives who are in the same position with selfish and sick MILs and their sons who have been sucked into the quicksand of keepmomhappy. That's a whole education about the problems of caregiving.

Try talking to husband about your concerns. Tell him you miss what was. His attitude will tell you a whole lot of what you need to know.

My sympathies about a bad situation.

My Dh is doing the EXACT SAME THING with his mother.

My only answer is that he feels tremendous guilt over being a crappy son and he's doing all he can to make up for that. (She calls him a crappy son, and he has assumed the role as being true).

Nothing to do and nothing I intend to do to help him.

If she ever passes, the first thing I'd like to see him do is get some therapy to work through the love/hate thing he has with his mom.

And I hope feeling ticked off is OK because I know I am, on a daily basis.

It's a sick dynamic that has likely been going on for years and isn't going to end until she dies. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but while he's in the trenches with this, he cannot see it for what it is.

When my DH does something for his mom that is just, well, ridiculous, I just bite my tongue. One more issue to work out in therapy, someday.

I get your dilemma. I have no solace for you. You recognize it for the crazy that it is and let it go. (Advice I need to remember!)

This is not your problem to solve.

In summer 2022, you wrote that your H complained about your visits with your parents in a NH.

Did your MIL move to a MC near you within the last year because her H passed?

I say you do what you want for your parents in the NH, and let your H do what he wants for his mother in the MC.

You say that your MIL is now in a memory care facility, so that means that her brain is broken and will only continue to get worse.
You talk like you believe that she is responsible for her actions and words, but someone with dementia sadly no longer lives in the real world, but live in their own broken and often very scary world where things don't always make much sense.
Perhaps both you and your husband would benefit from educating yourselves more about the horrific disease of dementia, as it would give you both a better idea of exactly what is going on with your MIL, and why she does and says the things she does.
Dementia is so very complicated and no 2 cases are the same.
And your husband is obviously very torn about making his mom happy in her final years and because she has dementia what works one day doesn't work the next. That's how dementia often works.
To me it sounds like he's trying his very best and that is all that one can do. And if you're "ticked" about that, well that is on you not him.

I don't know why you would be this upset about your husband's relationship with his mother. She doesn't live with you. As Dr. Laura says, his relationship with his parent is his business and for you it is "just be polite". I love her form of tough love. So I would say let him visit her without you; no reason you both need to go, show up once in a while, be polite, move on with your life. He is doing what makes him most comfortable with an uncomfortable situation. Just let him do it his way.

If MIL is in Memory care then her Dementia has progressed to the point she needs 24/7 care with help with her ADLs. As said, her brain is broken.

I am sure that if my MIL had chose to stay in NJ instead of moving to Fla, my DH too would have done for her. Why, because he looks at it as, if I have the time why not. I am sure boundaries would have been set. He is a golfer and does not give that up unless something important needs to be done. He would not jump on command though. Nor would doing for her override doing for me. I would come first. She found that out early in our marriage.

So my question is, are you suffering in any way because he does for his Mom? Is he canceling something with you to do for her? My DHs Mom was passive-aggressive too but she didn't always get her own way. So if doing for her is not interferring with your time with DH, I would just let it go.

He does these things for his mother because he loves her. She's not asking for diamonds and furs, she's asking for a CD, a book or a movie. If I had a dime for everything I bought for my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living, I'd have enough to buy MYSELF a diamond.

These elders are scared and lonely in Memory Care, for the most part. Their addled brains are tricking them into paranoid and delusional thinking, believing their parents are still alive and other assorted things. They regress in time back to young girls and want to go home, when life was wonderful, which it no longer is. If we "children" can bring them some joy and happiness for a little while, why wouldn't we?

I'd bring my mother a new blouse with matching costume jewelry when I'd go visit. Or a fancy dessert. Or her favorite food from a restaurant. My husband once drove across town to buy her some Italian struffoli at Christmas time bc he knew she loved them.

I always thank God I have a loving and supportive husband who stands by me no matter what.

Thank you. Sometimes we only need support, not criticism.

AlvaDeer, is, as usual, right on target. Why on earth do you bother about what he does for the old lady, as it requires absolutely no action/hassle on your part? Let him do what he feels he must, and just enjoy NOT being involved!

I kind of see where you’re coming from. I have a friend with an overbearing, “nervous”, abusive, narcissistic, passive-aggressive mother.

My friend is the only daughter and thus took on the entire care of mother. Mother now has what looks to be dementia— she won’t go to any doctor to get a diagnosis. The mother has hit my friend so hard that she’s left bruises. Calls police because she is certain daughter is stealing her money (she isn’t). We all beg her to stop going to mother’s house. She keeps going. She has been trained her whole life to let people walk all over her and treat her badly. It’s SO frustrating to watch her go back for more abuse. I would have cut a mother like that out a long time ago.

So I get being annoyed with husband jumping whenever his mother asks. If she’s always been difficult, it’s hard to imagine being loving towards her.

But ultimately, it’s not hurting him. It’s annoying you, but there are worse things. Do you feel he is giving mother more attention than you, or he wouldn’t do the same for you if you were the one in the NH?

What Loopy said

"She has been trained her whole life to let people walk all over her and treat her badly."

In your post you did not mention that what he does is effecting how he relates to you. He needs to realize that Mom is safe where she is. Is cared for, has shelter and food. He needs to also realize that your needs override what she thinks she needs. He has been groomed since childhood that Moms needs were the most important. She goes and lives in Fla and you don't have to deal with her. There is a reason she was placed in a MC facility and u aren't caring for her and thats OK.

If MIL is in MC then her Dementia is pretty advanced. I would ask DH to have a little test. Instead of running home and ordering her that book* or CD wait till the next visit and see if she asks about it. Tell him time for little white lies. Tell her its being ordered. I will bet, the book is not being read (have him ask her what its about) or listened to the CD (ask her "what was that song u liked?"). Waste of time and money. Her short-term should be pretty bad, so she may not remember from day to day or minute by minute. Their days just go into each other. He could see her every day and the next day she will want to know why he hasn't been there for a week. They have no conception of time.

He needs to realize, there is no reason to jump. You and your family are #1 and come first. He does not have to visit her every day. I so hope she does not have a cell phone. Really, no reason to have it in MC.

*the book, she maybe able to read the words, but not be able to string them together and comprehend what is being said. I found when my Mom read, the bookmark would be to the end and the next day at the beginning again. She could no longer follow the story. Sad because she was an avid reader. The CD, maybe she heard the song in the Common area. You don't by a CD for just one song. She is going to hear conversations where people are talking about things. Maybe even bring a gift that she will see that she likes and thinks she should have. Doesn't mean she should have. Her reality includes TV and dreams. Think of her like a toddler who wants everything they see, doesn't mean they get it.

I so hope you can sit down with DH and explain that he is not obligated to fill every whim she has. When he married, he left his mother and you and your children became a his priority. My MIL too was passive-aggressive. I think as boys that were given a lot of freedom, they learned to just say "Yes Mom" and go on their way.

After reading all your responses, Ines, it seems to me you more want only support (which reads sympathy) than ideas how to make things better. It also sounds more to me like this is a marriage problem than a MIL problem. You clearly don't like the woman. To me many of your complaints about her seem vague as in she wants to be treated "like a queen". So it's hard to judge what's going on. Perhaps consider seeing someone for counseling to help you with these issues. Either you alone, or if he would consider it, you and your hubby.

I do wish you the best moving forward. Your MIL is in care, not in your home, and that's a major plus that so many here aren't lucky enough to have. She is also an aging elder, so this is kind of a self-limiting situation.

"We" want to please our parents.
This "training"starts when we are young (think Pavlov's dogs) when we are "good" we are rewarded, when we are "bad" we are punished.
So I think him wanting to please mom is a response that he has.
It is easy to give someone something when they are happy and nise to you, it is difficult to be nice to someone that is being mean and hateful, spiteful to you.
You can not change him or his "training" and response to it.
You can change your reaction to it.
If he wants to please her, let him but if he drags you into it tell him you are sorry you can't help him track down the latest book or whatever she wants.
If and when you visit if she is the "hateful MIL" that day make your excuses and go to the car and read or go to another part of the facility and sit and read. If it is the "nice MIL" stay and visit a bit. (if you want)

Since nothing she is asking for costs very much, but may make her happy i just don't get this. Perhaps your hubs just wants to give her some pleasure in her time left, and I can;t really see where it impacts you much as he is going to visit her anyway? If you feel this is really impacting your time together then talk to him

My husband is one of three sons. My MIL totally controlled their responses. As far as she was concerned she was the most important person in their life and she was. Completely manipulative woman. None of them are close because she kept them compartmentalised from early childhood. I hear you.

Innes, your profile says “Facing a near future with ageing parents. Looking for support and encouragement on how to navigate this new ‘normal’”. I would encourage you to be polite to your husband, to your relations, and to the people on this site. And you should be able to see that’s really a supportive comment. You’ll do better that way.

Your question could be right out my husband's mouth. We moved my mom here to NC from Florida. She was in IL now in ALF. My LO was a good mom, we had a decent relationship thru the years but I look back and realize she has always had a tendency toward manipulation. That said this trait has expanded exponentially as her dementia has advanced. It has taken a few years but I have learned how much this affects both myself and my husband. I don't go see her every day but she calls incessantly all day every day with varying "needs" and crying hysteria.
I have had to emotionally distance myself knowing she is in a safe place. I truly understand everything you are saying and your feelings are very real. It takes alot of strength to let the guilt go and you husband may just not be there yet.

I quite understand your frustration at your husband for his passive/aggressive behavior toward his mother. My daughter was going through the frustration of her MIL calling her husband 10+ times a day to speak about nothing important. The calls got more incessant after the MIL retired. As it turns out, my son-in-law is the only one out of his siblings who would answer his mother’s calls because the siblings know that her calls are incessant and not important. I advised my daughter that it was wrong for her MIL to be calling him so many times during the day and she needed to have a talk with him about this. I also advised my daughter that she has to respect her husband’s wishes to answer his mother’s calls but that she needs to tell her husband that he needs to tell his mother that she can speak to him once a day if it’s not important or if there’s an emergency or something that is important to more than once a day. My daughter gave her husband an ultimatum that if he does not put a stop to her incessant calling that she would divorce him. My son-in-law has since started limiting the calls that his mother makes.

I went through the same thing with my MIL. I did not like my MIL, but I tolerated her because she was my husband’s mother.

Your husband is trying to be a good son to his mother, and you should respect him for doing this.

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can offer medications and refer her to a Geriatric Psychologist who can help her make herself happy (something her son cannot offer her). Perhaps moving to senior housing where she can focus on friendships, hobbies and adventures with her peers.

You have many choices to make yourself happy, no need for an emotional tug-o-war between any of you. While she is busy creating her new life, your husband can focus on your marriage, right?

Did you talk to your husband about this? Shouldn't HE be the one to tell you his thought process and not a bunch of strangers?

Could it be that you are alittle jealous of your mil because your husband tries to make his mother happy??

Ines89: He is apparently showing love to his mother.

I would suggest that you go see a therapist.

He sounds like a victim of an abusive relationship. When his Mom leaves this world, he might become the abuser in your relationship.

I'd seek professional opinion.

He is trying to find positive ways to interact with his mom. He is also trying to find ways to deal with her problem behaviors (by ignoring them and her). If he isn't getting emotionally crushed by her behavior, let him be.

If you see him getting emotionally hurt over and over and over again, then other steps should be taken. Start by reading with him any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud. The counsellors have successfully helped many people work through a step by step process to deal with problem behaviors. It might be wiser to also meet with a counsellor weekly while developing a plan for dealing with his mom and while putting it into action.